· 01 · Have you ever felt like this: When you are with your closest partner, although you never leave and never quarrel, it is difficult to truly establish a deep, free, and responsive connection. It is always "as if" Almost something" feeling. Some people say that after being in

· 01 ·

Have you ever felt like this: When you are with your closest partner, although you never leave and never quarrel, it is difficult to truly establish a deep, free, and responsive connection. The feeling of "almost like something".

Some people say that after being in love for a long time, it becomes a habit, and it seems that there is no feeling of heartbeat .

But getting used to it and not being tempted are actually two different things .

Habit is when you adapt to the way two people get along and no longer hide your true self from the people around you. When you think about the person you have become accustomed to not being around one day, you feel as if you cannot accept it.

Not being moved means that no matter how many touching things the other party does, you are only moved by the things. If the person who did those things were someone else, you wouldn't be able to do it.

This may not be the exhaustion of a relationship for too long, but it may be what psychology calls "pseudo-intimate relationship" (Irrelationship).

Fake relationships are just living a single life under the guise of being in love.

There are some feelings. From the outside, everything seems fine, but from the inside, I find that they are just two lonely people, acting out a lonely drama.

All low-quality love can be called "fake intimacy".

It may be that you don’t love him at all.

It may be that you subconsciously resist intimacy.

It may also be two people who lack love, both of whom only want to take but are unable to give.

There are many kinds of it, but after thinking about it

this kind of fake intimacy is the most common: We are all afraid of the truth and are used to pretending.

This kind of relationship is not uncommon. If we carefully observe the people around us, it may be ourselves, or it may be your parents.

has a friend. She has a pair of model parents whose relationship seems to be extremely harmonious to the outside world. However, one day she told me that she had never been sure whether the feelings between her parents were real.

Because she discovered that if a father or mother suddenly becomes seriously ill or has an accident, even though the other parent will do an impeccable job in all aspects, there will be no panic or worry the moment they hear the bad news - that is, because "they may lose it." "The strong instinctive emotion produced.

These behaviors of parents, although blameless, made a girl who was originally full of security and happiness begin to doubt the value of intimate relationships.

· 02 ·

How is a "pseudo-intimate relationship" established?

This kind of relationship is actually a state of "collusion" between partners:

There was a very popular video some time ago, in which an old couple in Tianjin were interviewed. They have been married for more than 30 years and have adhered to the AA system.

How strict is the "drawing of clear boundaries" in their lives? For example:

Two people share a refrigerator, and there are strict distinctions. The old man's things are placed on the upper floor, and the old lady's things are placed on the lower floor; even the eggs will have their own marks.

The two of them took turns using a kitchen to cook their own meals; they never slept together. 365 days a year, the old man could only sleep on the cold underground floor. Although an old couple like

live under the same roof, they basically have no mutual support in life, let alone emotional communication.

On the surface, this relationship seems to be a "stable and harmonious" relationship. In fact, has become an "empty shell" marriage with no emotional foundation - it seems that whether there is the existence of the other party, it is almost the same.

uses the form of being together, To avoid real togetherness.You may appear to be close to outsiders; but in fact, this relationship avoids the frankness and acceptance of each other, and avoids the willingness of both parties to contribute to the relationship and each other.

It is a "connection" that is constructed unconsciously and carefully by both parties, and requires the coincidence of both partners.

Psychological research shows that "pseudo-intimacy" is a learned behavior pattern.

Some people's native parents themselves are examples of "pseudo-intimacy". They never express love to each other voluntarily and spontaneously, never conflict, and respect each other as guests. The whole family is always in a dead and harmonious state.

More theoretically, "pseudo-intimacy" is a defense mechanism - two people working together to defend against the "real state of intimacy that requires both parties to work together to form."

So, Why do some people really want to avoid true intimacy?

Many times, we are afraid of "really caring about someone" or "making others important to us." Because true intimacy represents mutual care, mutual empathy and emotional dedication. But these require the risk of emotional investment. If we care about someone, we may be hurt.

"Fake intimacy" is such a defense mechanism

It helps us resist such fear and anxiety, making us feel that staying in such a relationship is "safe" and will not "lose control" .

Therefore, some psychologists believe that in "pseudo-intimate relationships", we are in a state of "emotional confinement", that is, both parties have unconsciously reached an agreement to maintain emotional numbness together.

In this state of confinement, it seems that both parties are together, but they refuse to have a deep emotional connection. In fact, it is a kind of separation.

Take the relationship between lovers as an example: Although some people say they love you and care about you impeccably, in fact he or she has no interest in knowing what kind of person you are.

Your Intimacy, every step of the relationship seems to be just role-playing.

The two cannot be separated, but they are always vigilant not to enter each other's hearts.

"Fake intimacy" has many forms:

Sometimes one party's behavior may depend on the needs of the other party (the taking party is dominant);

Sometimes what one party accepts depends on what the other party gives (the giving party is dominant) ;

Sometimes one party is responsible for the performance and the other party is responsible for the appreciation (a perfect couple on the surface).

But no matter which one, both parties in the relationship are equally bound, and they are voluntarily bound to feel that "the world is safe."

· 03 ·

Some people are miserable, some are struggling in pain, and there are always some who continue to enter marriage without hesitation.

As Mr. Qian Zhongshu said: Marriage is like a besieged city. People inside want to get out and people outside want to come in.

How many people have made a vow, only to realize the price they need to pay when they fulfill it.

Everyone longs to love and be loved, and longs to find a "soul mate", but they will always encounter all kinds of resistance.

Trauma in the original family, conventional prejudices, conflicts between husband and wife, financial pressure issues...

We will always have a way to solve it. The so-called intimate relationship is a relationship that can infinitely solve intimate problems in a limited life.

Roland Miller wrote in "Intimacy": When researchers asked 100 satisfied couples who had been married for 45 years to explain the reasons for their successful marriages, they responded:

Value marriage as long-term commitment and fidelity. ;

has a sense of humor; resolves conflicts easily;

has similarities and can agree on most things;

truly loves his spouse and enjoys spending quality time together.

To sum up these skills in one sentence, it is: stay satisfied, keep appreciating, keep growing.