Keywords: My husband fished until two or three o'clock in the morning
Q: Lengai Teacher Hello, Teacher, I have been following you for three or four years, and I have read all the published articles and have benefited a lot.
But I am currently facing a difficult problem, I hope the teacher can help you answer it. The specific situation is as follows.
My husband and I got married after two and a half years together. We have been married for more than half a year and have no children.
He is a very excellent person, humorous, helpful, motivated, responsible, patient, tolerant, and has a good temper. He is also very good to me.
From the time I met and got married, I never spoke loudly to me, never fiercely or blushed. I also feel that I am particularly lucky to be able to marry him.
But he is also a very persistent person. As long as it is something he determines, no matter whether it is right or wrong, he must insist on doing it.
He is a relatively free and easy person who loves to live with his temperament.
After we got married, we lived together, and I found that many of our living habits were different. They like to stay up late, their work and rest time were irregular, and their concept of time was a bit bad.
He is still relatively reliable. He can complete important situations and important things on time and never loses the chain at critical moments.
But he has no idea of time in general. Sometimes he goes out slowly and makes an appointment with him wherever he wants to go, and it is not on time. I can basically tolerate these situations, but I can't stand one thing at present.
It is mainly because he doesn’t work overtime at night, so he goes fishing until two or three o’clock in the morning. When he doesn’t work overtime or fishing, he starts playing with his mobile phone, cleaning up his house, and not going to bed until one or two o’clock.
What I can be sure of is that he loves me very much and he has no physical problems, but he is used to going to bed late.
But as soon as he came to sleep, I woke up by myself and couldn't fall asleep, which led to a bad mood the next day and the quality of work during the day was not that high.
I have communicated with him countless times (communicating well, acting spoiled, and being angry), but it just doesn't work. I also hope that Teacher Leng Ai will give me some suggestions or how to communicate so that the effect will be better.
Answer: When we saw the above story, we could understand the unbearableness of the heroine.
The heroine's husband fished until two or three o'clock in the morning, which would affect the heroine's rest and affect the quality of his work the next day, which would inevitably make people feel a little worried.
But if we just evaluate from a secular perspective, it is wrong for the heroine's husband to fish until two or three in the morning, which is of no use at all.
We have been leading everyone to look at the problem from the essence, so that we can really help things.
I have developed my response to this story from the following two aspects.
1, nature and habits.
In this story, we must first distinguish between nature and habits.
What is nature? What are habits?
Nature is mainly determined by natural genes, and part of it is affected by the staining of the first few years of life.
Many people may have heard the word Qinran for the first time. What is Qinran?
You may have heard of the word "refreshing" before, so I will explain it in detail later in this article.
habits are acquired. Habits can change with the mind and change in an instant.
There are three centers in the body of a person: cognitive center, emotional center, and instinctual center.
What we are more likely to perceive is our own cognition.
For example, when you usually read our articles, you actually learn cognition.
cognition can be changed immediately.
When we learn a new thinking model , a new way of thinking, and a new method, our previous cognition can be changed instantly. These cognitions of
will also be manifested as "habits" in our intimate relationships.
For example, the heroine acts spoiled to her husband, this is probably a habit.
The heroine thought at the time: "Can I find some ways to deal with his late sleep? This way my life will get better."
Habits are more likely to be paid attention to.
The more hidden and harder to pay attention to than habits is our "nature".
If the cognition that we can change immediately is habits, then the part that is connected to our emotions and the heart is our essence, which can also be called "nature".
Most of the nature is decided at birth.
For example, the genes we carry when we were born determine our body type, whether we are prone to fat or prone to thin, etc.
Some people have been losing weight through dieting, exercise and other methods since childhood, but they are still so fat. This is not comparable to your body type.
This is not necessary, it is better to accept it as soon as possible.
We found that some people are still so thin when they eat with ease.
These are expressions of nature, and we must follow nature. There are many things that can be determined by the
gene, and the space is limited, so we won’t expand it one by one.
The point is that most of our nature has been decided at this time and space point when we were born and in the channel where our parents meet.
Some friends may ask: Is that all natures decided when they are born?
Personally I think: No, there is still a dyeing process from the age of zero to seven. What does
Qinran mean?
Just like after a person wears jade for a period of time, he will find that the texture and color of this jade will change.
This is the process of dyeing.
Although most of a person's nature is determined when he is born, at the age of zero to seven, Qinran will also affect human nature.
For example, the way his parents raises, the regional environment in which he lives, the local waters and soil support the other people.
Even a girl of the same body type, her temperament will be different from that of a girl who grew up in the Northeast and in the South of the Yangtze River.
Of course, there is no higher or lower person, it is just that the impact of Qinran is different.
So, a person's nature is a comprehensive result of genes and early life infection.
And in our intimate relationship, we must distinguish what are habits and what are natures.
Let’s tell it in combination with the story of the heroine.
The heroine's husband's so-called poor concept of time, irregular work and rest time, and likes to stay up late are actually his own external manifestations of his nature of freedom and freedom.
Therefore, it is difficult to ask him to change it.
He can complete important situations and important things on time and never loses the chain at critical moments. This also shows that poor concept of time and so on are not his habits.
He is naturally free of sex.
Relatively speaking, the heroine's nature has higher requirements for order.
In fact, there is no one who is right or wrong, who is good or bad.
Each nature has advantages or disadvantages in specific circumstances.
2, accept and adapt.
After understanding nature, we can know that at the natural level, these characteristics of the heroine’s husband cannot be changed, and the heroine can only accept and adapt.
Otherwise, the heroine will be in great pain. How to adapt to
? The following ideas are for reference by the heroine.
For example, if the relationship between the heroine's husband and wife will not be affected by the separation of beds, you can choose to sleep in separate beds.
If you don’t want to sleep in separate beds, you can also try wearing earplugs and eye masks to make your sleep less likely to be disturbed.
I have also seen some people who study meditation seriously in order to improve their sleep quality and develop the ability to sleep deeply.
These are the parts that the heroine can change the day after tomorrow.
The heroine should not use her most limited resources to change the other person's nature, because this is impossible.
The part of the other person's nature, especially the part connected to the heart, cannot be changed. I hope that the sooner you realize the better.
Everyone’s nature is different. The sooner you discover the nature of yourself and the other person, the sooner you follow your nature, the smoother and happier your life will be.
Another example is that a person who gets angry because he wakes up very early is not suitable for work that requires work in the morning, otherwise he will always live a very exhausted life.
If you come to our [Mission Psychology Online Course], you will also have the opportunity to hear our image explanations about nature and habits.
We have taught it several times in previous online classes:
A person's body is like a carriage.
Nature, this essential part is the little white horse pulling this carriage.
The rational, that is, the cognitive part, is the driver of this carriage.
What we need to work hardest is this little white horse, that is, the part of nature. We must adapt to it, rather than telling it with reason: you shouldn't do this anymore.
If a horse can understand human words, is it still a horse? Horses just can't understand human words.
What we need to do is to adapt to it, stroke it along the hair, and make it feel supported and loved.
In this way, it can burst out with the greatest power, and maybe even grow a horn to become unicorn , then your carriage can fly into the sky.
If a person cannot find a good way to adapt to his nature, he will be in huge consumption for the rest of his life.
If you can't find a good way to follow your partner's nature and don't want to separate, then this relationship will always be in great pain.
or above is the response to the story of the heroine. In summary, there are two major steps:
1. Distinguish what are nature and what are habits.
2. Accept, follow nature, change and adjust habits.
Each of us has limited resources and is very valuable.
Only by clearly distinguishing what we cannot change and what we can change, can we bring our precious resources to the extreme.
Creative Team | Leng Ai Fangshang Qianxi
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