A sister came over today and said, Sister Si, I envy some sisters in the group. They can have different views on being cheated on, and they can comfort themselves when they complain, but why can’t I come out? Woolen cloth?
I say, everyone’s personality is different, and the time to get out is also different. As long as you want to get out, anyone can get out. This key is in your hand, but you don’t know how to find it and use it. Good it.
A few days ago I updated an article about vulnerability.
The opposite of fragility is not strength, but anti-fragility. So what is anti-fragility? Do you still have any impressions? Simply put, benefits from uncertain events.
So how can we benefit from uncertain events after encountering betrayal?
Girl Lin Lin was once a top student in school and a small leader at work. Her married wife was envied by her colleagues and married a good husband who doted on her like a daughter.
After experiencing betrayal, she suddenly felt that she had become a joke in everyone's eyes.
Last year, after she discovered the information about her husband's betrayal, she took a week off and did not go to work.
This was a serious blow to her stable life, which shattered the dream of this woman who originally lived a job. She was surprised and couldn't understand how her husband, who had always loved her, could do such a ridiculous thing.
What made Lin Lin collapse even more was that when she questioned her husband, hoping that he could give her a satisfactory answer, even if she said it was drunken sex and being instigated... the man directly confessed that he loved that girl and did not want to give up. .
The moment the word love came out of the other person's mouth, she collapsed.
"How is it possible? In my impression, he has always loved me, and it should be me."
"What should I do? A person who loves me deeply suddenly tells me that he has fallen in love with someone else. I can't accept it."
...
She cried loudly and was at a loss. A strong sense of abandonment enveloped her whole body, making her feel as if she had fallen into an ice hole, chilling her from the inside out. During the week when
took leave, she locked herself in her room. She couldn't eat or sleep. Even if she ate, she could barely feed her a little.
When the man came back, she ran to him and kept asking her why she was doing this to her, what was good about that woman, and if she did something bad, she could change it, hoping that her husband would not leave her.
Even a capable woman outside will have this side. After all, cheating is completely out of her control, which makes it impossible for her to accept it.
The husband also expressed that he was ashamed of his wife, but his emotions no longer allowed him to go home and love her properly. When facing his wife, he could only remain silent, not knowing what to do.
During those days, my wife would send messages saying, let each other go, get together, and get a divorce. Then she would go back on her word, feeling that the other party did not want a divorce and wanted to go back to the past. Then she would start cursing, saying that the other party had no moral bottom line. Scum to the end.
The girl's recurring emotions were immediately conveyed to the other party, which made the husband's guilt gradually disappear, and instead he became impatient, irritable, and aggressive.
Husband’s reply: If you can’t accept it, just divorce and don’t torture each other.
When these words came out of the man's mouth, Lin Lin didn't want to agree. He wanted a divorce, which meant he wanted to be with his mistress. I couldn't give him this chance.
She was frightened and at a loss. She could only keep hitting the wall and begging the other party not to divorce, but when she failed, she began to threaten the other party.
Men will only respond, you are really terrible.
Lin Lin felt that he was originally an enviable object in the eyes of others, but now he has become a joke.
My husband cheated on me, he doesn’t love me anymore, and he wants to divorce me. How should I behave myself if I tell you this?
So she was at home, emotionally unstable, and nervous about going to work, for fear of being discovered that something had happened to her family. She was tortured and lost a lot of weight.
finally saw Sister Si’s article and came to ask for help. What should I do? She didn't know what she wanted. She wanted her man to go home, to make everything calm again, and to get well soon.
In such a situation, how should a girl go?
01 Get rid of cognition: Emotional betrayal destroys your entire life
If you want to benefit from your relationship, what is the first source of risk?
we are lazy.
We believe that a man can be responsible for his whole life, be good to himself and contribute to his family throughout his life.
But do you know how much ability it takes for one person to be responsible for another person?
This ability does not mean having high or low experience, but that in addition to having a strong moral bottom line, one must also have the ability to see through the essence of cheating.
He can see through cheating and find extramarital affairs. What is his mentality? What emotion? What is the ultimate goal? What was the attraction during the development process?
In fact, many people cheat without knowing what they really want. Some people cheat just because their wives don’t understand and their wives have a bad temper. One is to escape from his wife, and the other is to find the missing needs.
Even if this person is not as good looking or as capable as my wife, as long as there is something that clicks, he will go directly.
went there simply because of their needs, but in the end they really want to be together, can they survive? I really don’t know, maybe it’s better to stay with my current wife.
But you said, are there many people who can see through the essence? In fact, there are quite a lot of them, and there are also many people with high moral bottom lines.
is just a coincidence, the one you encountered is an exception, nothing more.
I don’t quite agree with what many girls say. Most men will cheat, so the next one may do the same, so it’s better to continue with this.
It’s not really, it’s just that the people you meet are like this. We have to accept the reality that we have indeed chosen the wrong person. This is not your problem. The person who did the wrong thing is the other person and has nothing to do with you.
There are so many choices in life, why can't we choose the wrong one? It is good for yourself to allow yourself the opportunity to make mistakes and then actively correct them.
So I tell you, don’t be lazy. You have to be responsible for yourself first, then others will be responsible for you, and then they will know how to be responsible for you. You have to set an example for others.
Is marriage just about relying on others to be kind to you blindly and without any bottom line, so that you feel your life is very happy? In fact,
is not. Fortunately, this matter does not play any substantive role. On the contrary, it will produce blind dependence. He has gradually become the most important pillar.
Once the pillars are gone, the whole house will collapse, making it a dangerous building.
If you want your house to be strong enough, then you must create more pillars to support it. This is what I said, why don't be lazy.
If you give yourself completely to the other person and let the other person take responsibility, how can you be sure that he can do it? Just say it by mouth? Maybe you will say that he has taken actions to make you gradually believe it, but human nature tends to seek advantages and avoid disadvantages.
If it is good for you, then it is good for you. If it is not good for you, it will be unbalanced if you do too much.
So face this point and don’t be lazy. Marriage is a partnership, 1+1 between both parties. Everything between you is accumulated by each other. In addition to being good to you, you should also look at the personality and character of the other person.
If you choose to run away from a problem or make a bunch of excuses, how can you be a partner? Can this person erase everything by being nice to you?
So take a longer view. In addition to being good to you, you should also look at other things.
02 Where is the way to find the direction?
(1) Accept the status quo and never be lazy.
I have said one point more than once. It is his freedom for him to treat you well. It is your freedom for you to enjoy it. He has the right to give and you have the right to enjoy it. But Once hooked up, the right you enjoy comes from whether he gives it to you or not.
If you have enough, and this point is gone, you will also feel that I have other things, but because of scarcity, this benefit will be infinitely magnified.
You were immersed in the sea and broke your wings, but it is really not easy to stand up now.
But when you are working, you have no one to rely on and you can think independently. Why not? So you have to stand up first, and then you can take two steps forward, right?
First of all, accept that the other person has the right to love you, and also accept that the other person has the right not to love you. This is his freedom. If you put a knife on someone's neck, he can't love you, right?
The more you beg him, the farther away he will be from you, right?
So, after you have hit the south wall, you need to understand what your weak push is? Are you inherently vulnerable? Or have you lost yourself on the road of love, resulting in your inability to love yourself?
If so, then take out the paper and pen now and recall the memories. What was your life like before getting married? How do you spend your time alone? What new skills have you learned? How many things have you accomplished without relying on others? Write it all down.
By the way, write down your feelings, and you will be able to understand what you are lacking.
(2) Only by developing more pillars can you make your house solid.
As I said above, in addition to work, your life is about your children and husband.
It seems that your life is to serve your family. For the sake of your family, you gave up your hobbies and interests.
I think it is understandable. After all, many people feel that raising children is a troublesome thing before they have children, and they will lose their freedom after having children.
But after she really gave birth, she began to worry that her child would not have enough to eat or wear warm clothes, and she would feel even more distressed when she got sick.
This kind of involuntary control is voluntary and helpless. It is not helpless to the reality, but helpless to yourself. In fact, these things and these emotions are all controlled by you, right?
So, since this is the case, develop new pillars. If you feel that children are a part of your life, and so is education, then learn how to keep children mentally healthy, how to let children see the world correctly, and how to replace them. He broadened his horizons.
This is also a sense of accomplishment, and it is also something you do voluntarily, isn't it?
Children are a pillar, but what about career? It can also be said to be a pillar.
Before the other party cheats, you have many pillars, which you can see and feel, but their proportion is too light.
So much so that without the pillar of your husband, you feel that the other pillars are no longer important and you can no longer see them. Is this really the case with
? When your job is gone and your children have to worry about you all day long, don’t you think life will make you even more exhausted mentally and physically?
So, when a pillar becomes unusable, in addition to adding new pillars, you also need to learn to stabilize other pillars. The car also needs maintenance, let alone the house.
When you can keep your house, your heart will naturally be at peace, but you have become the person who no longer regards love as the only thing. You have the ability to protect yourself and your house. At this time, no matter who you meet, you know what you want and how to protect yourself.
The core of this topic is not what should you do if you meet a cheating man again in the future?
But you will boldly meet it and believe in love. When you really meet it, you no longer think it is your own problem, and you know how to stop losses in time.
This is called anti-fragility, which is not damaged but benefits from uncertain events.
(3) Being able to stand up means that we are not far from moving forward.
A person's life will be full of all kinds of changes, such as the death of relatives, the aging of parents, and the growth of children. You are facing separation all the time.
When there is gathering, there will naturally be separation.
Only by accepting loss and impermanence can you survive and live better. Only by being worthy of yourself can you live up to others.
When you have figured it out, you can dig out things that interest you.
People must have an interest and a goal, right? Spend two days thinking about these and your future plans, then divide your goals into small goals, and then start moving your steps step by step.
Sister Si, this sister came to the group and participated in the reading check-in. From the beginning, she could not read a book, but now she can write a few thousand words of insights and experiences. There is no end to learning, and she enriches herself through books. spiritual world. It’s also an interesting and accomplished thing, isn’t it?
People in this world are all deficient, but at least making yourself satisfied with your life is the greatest success.
03 Experiencing infidelity is not necessarily negative, it can also be an opportunity, and it is a turning point in your life.
Sister Si has experienced many cases. Those girls had a smooth first half of their lives, but starting from the infidelity incident, their lives were turned upside down.
This seems to be a pity to others.
But I feel that people cannot be happy all the time. They are prone to laziness, lose themselves, and do not know the preciousness of happiness.
I remember that there was a single mother on the Internet who gave birth to two children through test tube . She was still selling goods on the live broadcast with a big belly. Not to mention how good the things she sold were, but at least this enthusiasm is worth learning from.
I briefly browsed through the comments, and many people were saying that she lived a life that many women would envy.
She doesn’t have to worry about a man, whether he’s cheating on her, or taking care of her parents-in-law. She can get along with her children naturally and give them enough love.
So let’s think about it carefully, she is not married, can you say that she is a failure?
She has no husband, how can you say her life is miserable?
has herself and dares to live her own way. At least she is worthy of herself. Not getting married and having children is her personal choice. Maybe she works so hard just to have this day. This is her goal.
If she had been lazy, would she still be where she is today?
You still have to be responsible for your own life. No one can afford it, and you should be the person who knows yourself best.
Sister Si hopes that you can be kind to yourself, not be influenced by others, and do not try to influence others. Be confident and elegant, and don’t let sadness pale your heart.
