video recording | Store Manager Wang Rui
video author | Joanne
Store Manager, I have a trouble recently, that is, I am afraid that others know that I am working hard, mainly because I am afraid that roommates and others know that they are not sociable. is afraid that others will know that I have worked hard but there is no result. They always want to study secretly and work hard.
First of all, thank you very much for your message. I believe this represents a psychological state that many people have experienced. Today, let’s talk about ’s efforts and the sociable . I hope it can help this saccharine, and I hope it can help other saccharines with the same confusion.
Then today we invited two friends, one is "The Power of Others" , and the other is " Procrastination Psychology " . These two books should be recommended in the reading column. If you think this book can help you, then find a more detailed reading column video to take a look.
directory
Part1 It seems the benefit of not working hard
avoiding efforts without results
Part2 "psychological cost" of failure—the power of others
Part3 Make your own choice
Real connection
Audio version
https://mp.weixin.qq.com/mp/audio?_wxindex_=0&scene=104&__biz=MzIzMjE5Mjc5OA==&mid=26500 11155&idx=1&voice_id=MzIzMjE5Mjc5OF8yNjUwMDExMTU0&sn=b88ece2bb288c45b8499d48a3fefa867#wechat_redirect
(open the link to listen to the audio)
video version
https://www.bilibili.com/video/BV1AQ4y1d7DT/?spm_id_from=333.999.0.0&vd_source=aaf6214e353eac22e6a003794bfcdf01
(open the link to watch the video)
text version
It seems that the benefits of not working hard
1
When we don’t like some of our behaviors, practices, and want to change, there is one very important preparation to do, that is, look at the benefits of this matter. There are many things, but we actually don’t like them. But, it can bring many benefits. It is something we cannot give up, so it makes it difficult to make changes and is in a very entangled and dilemma.
, Tang Waner, she analyzed her own entanglements well. It is beneficial to work hard secretly, such as feeling that she is more inclusive, and if her efforts have no results, it will not be known to others, for example, if you work hard, you may not get good results, etc. So now you have actually made a safer and safer choice.
is the book on procrastination psychology. It seems that this book is not very relevant, but it mentions many reasons why procrastinators cannot start working hard, which is very similar to what Tang Waner mentioned. The author said that some people would rather procrastinate and bring painful consequences than endure the humiliation brought by hard work but fail to get what they want. They are worried that they will be regarded as incompetent and worthless by others, so both choices are difficult to accept, but we will definitely choose the option that we can bear slightly more. What is hidden behind
is actually, "Once I work hard, I must achieve perfectionism." The book also lists some common ideas of "implicit perfectionism". For example, mediocrity will be despised and looked down upon by truly excellent people. He should not work hard. You don’t need to work hard, you always look effortless and truly excellent. You should do everything yourself and don’t bother others. You must have a correct and perfect solution. You must either not do it or do the best. From this perspective, I found that many sentences seem to be similar.It will appear in the inspirational slogan of or . I think everyone has heard at least one or two sentences.
But if you really believe it and do everything with such an idea, you unknowingly become an implicit perfectionist. You may not confess to others that I am a perfectionist, and when you see perfectionism, you will not feel that it has something to do with you, but in fact you are still trapped in this concept. If you listen and feel that you may have a tendency to do this, you can check out the issue of "Becoming an Imperfectionist" I have done before (click on the title of the book to jump to read)
" The "psychological cost" of failure
2
We need to think carefully about whether we are afraid that our efforts will not have any results, or that others know their failure, or that there are both. If so, we are more afraid of other people.
Then we will continue to explore what kind of power others have to stir our thoughts like this. Each of us lives in a group. There is no way to really say it is like I live alone in this world, and I don’t have to care about the thoughts of anyone around me. Other people in the group may not be referring specifically to who you are. This is the concept.
Its power is very powerful, especially if the relationship between this power and us is negative, it will make us feel isolated and hurt. We must be careful to avoid this negative force continuing to affect us. But on the contrary, if this power and our relationship are positive and we feel supported, we feel courage! But in fact, these two are a way of manifestation that we will be influenced by others.
Didn’t I just recommend this book "The Power of Others". He messed up his investments before his work and faced serious losses, and he fell into self-blame and guilt. It was when he was very desperate that he received a call from his mentor. This mentor taught him a lot, and then, this mentor was also very successful in investment. So he didn't want to tell his mentor about his failure, and he felt that the mentor would definitely say, "Oh, I've given you all the things I've been giving you in vain for so many years, and you've given them all back." However, his concern was not hidden from his mentor.
Under the tutor's questioning, he still told him his failure. What the author did not expect was that his tutor did not say any suggestions, criticize or scold him. The tutor simply said, "We have all encountered this, and then he also gave him a lot of understanding and support." Tell him that the requirements for themselves in self-condemnation are unrealistic, and not failing should not be the standard he pursues. His goal should be to continue working hard and remind him that all those who look successful in your eyes have experienced the same frustration as you are now.
The author thinks that it is precisely the attitude of the mentor that helps him get out of the trough of his career faster and can start over. Research has also shown that whether you can successfully get out of failure is indeed very critical to the influence of others' feedback. Especially for people who are very important or close to you, he really doesn’t need to say too many great principles and high-sounding words. Just like this mentor, he was deeply comforted by such a simple sentence "Oh, I have experienced it too", and then the subsequent words, no matter what the mentor said, the positive impact on him began to work.
But if you think, the tutor is like the kind we sometimes experienced in student times, "The teacher has taught so much, but why can't I understand it, and I've given it to the teacher." This will not help a student better face this mistake, and then make it successful after correction. On the contrary, it may be because of this so-called high requirements and strict standards, the road ahead will become narrower and narrower.
Because failure is not only a loss of time and energy, or economic costs. For many people, it is mainly because the psychological cost is too high. Later, they begin to doubt themselves and do not believe in their own abilities and make decisions. This is equivalent to the fact that in the future, so many moments that need to face choices and decisions will be shaken by this matter.
The reason why other people’s feedback and evaluations are very powerful is because they affect our definition of psychological cost. For example, when we experience failure troughs, if we all respond like the author's tutor, it can help us recover from self-doubt and minimize the psychological cost. We can regain our hearts and recover faster, and then continue to work harder.
But if what we get is the humiliation and criticism we mentioned just now, the author may have paid all his psychological price in this failure and will not be able to cheer up again. So I think Tang Wan'er may have felt that the group around him will mock and humiliate him after his failure, causing him to pay a high psychological price, so working hard in secret becomes a safe choice.
In reality, sometimes it is difficult for us to choose what kind of group I am in. Sometimes it will make you in an environment with high psychological cost. People cannot fail, cannot expose their fragility and shortcomings. Everyone has no sense of security, nor does they have a comfortable atmosphere.
In school, it may be that the roommates have indeed created an environment with high psychological cost. At work, in such an intravenous society, this high psychological cost will still follow us out of the school. We will follow us at work, so don’t think that those people can reach more people by going to a large factory, get in touch with a broader space, and improve themselves and stimulate their creativity. Maybe this environment costs you too much psychological price and you will get nothing in the end. Because all your energy is consumed to replenish and make up for the psychological cost you lack, you have no energy to do anything else.
Make a choice you accept
3
If you feel that you are in such an environment but you are unwilling to stay in such a state, then in the end, we have to face a very difficult choice. Should you fully devote yourself to your future efforts, which may look different from those around you, or do you have to stay in such a high psychological cost group and be controlled by them. The choice of
reminds me of the movie column I have done before. Will and his friends in " Spirit Catcher ". Will grew up in a slum area since childhood. The friends around him have few opportunities to receive a good education. Even a hard work is very frustrated and unencouraged environment, they do not like to study and do not want to work hard.
But Will, not only is he very talented, but he is also unwilling to be content with the status quo. He is working hard secretly, cleaning in college and studying at the same time, and then he also read a lot of university textbooks and books. After finding a math professor in college, he was very conflicted. While solving world problems with the professor, he also worked on the construction site with his former friends. Instead, he was unwilling to accept high-paying jobs given by the professor. He hates the people in the company's lofty appearance and feels that he does not belong to that group. The familiar construction site and the friends who play together are the places where he feels safe and sociable.
In Will's story, the psychological counselor helped him a lot, but I feel that a friend's words are actually very critical. His friend did not say that if you go to a big company, you are betraying us and you will no longer be accepted by us. Instead, you want to encourage him to leave, or even drive him away. He said that if he continued to hang out with them, he was wasting his talent and hard work. He also said that if you fail and don’t like it, we will go out together in the future, and the position of the co-pilot of my car will be kept for you.Such friends will help us to dispel our concerns and don’t worry about becoming different and will we not be accepted again.
We should interact with friends who do not make ourselves feel high psychological cost, with friends who can understand your needs, respect your wishes, and then help your friends get along with them while understanding you.
"The Power of Others" calls this relationship of caring for each other, being honest and hoping that the other party is better, the real connection between people, and we need to "internalize" a relationship like this. What does that mean? For example, what a true friend says to you can also make such a sound in your heart when you encounter difficulties, and it becomes what you can say to yourself, which is internalized.
So what you need to judge now is whether the environment you are in is an environment that makes you pay a high psychological cost. If not, you can try to show your efforts, and there may not be bad results. Maybe it is your misunderstanding. If it is really an environment with high psychological cost, it may be like the two choices I just mentioned. You have to work hard for your future, and you have to accept that you are different from the people around you. This is the current situation.
Finally, let’s examine the living environment we are in now, the school environment, or the work environment. Is it an environment that supports you, with a low psychological cost, or any of your mistakes will be infinitely amplified and humiliated and blamed at a high psychological cost. Such a review helps you make your own judgment.
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