The more you like someone, the more you want to stay away from him. What is the reason? What kind of psychology is this?
1. When you are with avoidant people, you always feel "hot face and cold butt". How to get along with anxiety and avoidance?
In fact, the method is to first understand the characteristics of these two types themselves, and why they always torture each other when they get along, and then change this interactive system and mode of getting along in a targeted manner.
To figure out this problem, you have to start from three aspects:
1. Anxiety-type attachment perspective
Usually, the most prominent feature of anxiety-type attachment is lack of love and lack of security.
Some lack of love is because they have not received enough love from their parents when they grew up in childhood. They may have more beloved younger brothers and sisters at home who have been ignored since childhood. Or they are not grown up by their parents and lack the feeling of being loved in their bones; or their parents are too strict and they are severely criticized if they do something wrong, and they develop a timid and afraid personality trait, and they dare not be themselves at will; or their parents love themselves very much, but they do not know how to express their love for material conditions, and they have never seen their parents' intimate and loving appearance. The parents just live a dull life and do not have much spiritual communication, so they also lack spiritual love and lack a sense of security.
Meet avoidant type attached to , you are easily attracted by the temperament of self-centeredness, gentleness, restraint, and even a little deeper, and pursuit of perfection. At first, the avoidant type treats you sincerely, making you feel that it reaches your heart and feels that he can give you a sense of security, so you fall, restrain your sharpness, and be gentle and lovely in front of him.
2. The perspective of avoidance attachment
The characteristics of avoidance attachment are self, avoidance, cold treatment, and no problem solving.
They need personal space and do not like too strong emotional links. They pursue a self, but this self is insufficient, so they will be attracted by the excellent but not overly strong anxiety type at first, that is, they admire the strong but hope to be respected. But avoidant people have inferiority and uncertainty in their hearts. They are afraid of their partner's departure, so they have a defensive mentality, feeling that as long as they don't make too much effort and take the initiative, they are at the upper hand.
So, you will find that after being together for a period of time, people with avoidant attachment will become inactive, uninspiring, and cold, making it feel like they care about you and don’t care, and even make you feel that they love you, but only their personality problems will avoid them.
So, in your middle and late stages, avoidant people hope that you will become stronger and will urge you to learn, or indirectly criticize you to be motivated. On the other hand, they will suppress you, want to dominate the relationship, and hope that you will listen to everything. At the same time, as long as emotional problems arise, they like to avoid and not solve the problem. For example, when you are in a low mood, they will feel that you have been outputting negative emotions and will annoy you. Sometimes when you send messages, they will not reply, saying that they are under great pressure and want to be alone, which makes you feel very irresponsible.
3. Anxiety and avoidance torture
A person who is already anxious gets along with the avoidance type. If the above problems are not solved, the anxious person will be more anxious, the avoidance will be more avoidable, and the two will go further and eventually end.
Anxious people are very concerned about everything, care about the sense of certainty in their relationship, and care about the other person's attitude. At the same time, they will have some high expectations and high requirements. Once the avoidant type does not do it, the anxious type will be more anxious. If you want to verify whether the other person loves him, you will make many requests for him, you will blame him, and you will quarrel;
The avoidant type is most afraid of quarrel, conflict, and criticize him, so when the anxiety type throws the problem over, the avoidant type cannot handle it, they will escape and not deal with it. If you quarrel, he will walk away silently and do not coax you, and you accuse him, he will say that you will think whatever you like, and they do not think that they have problems, they will think that it is an anxiety type that is bad, and it is a conflict you provoked on.
So, the anxious party will become irritable and strong from the beginning. You will chase him and want an explanation, while he will be afraid of this conflict, feel tired, and will run away. After a quarrel, he will continue to fight with you, while you will be in pain, and your relationship will become a "chasing and running away" pattern.
The solution is to fix the lack of their attachment type first, and the anxiety type becomes less anxious, and the avoidant type no longer avoids the problem;
Then the two sides will have an equal dialogue, the pursuers will no longer chase, and the escapers will no longer escape, and use the correct way to solve the problems in the emotional, establish a relationship model that can accommodate both parties' emotions and meet the needs of both parties, and build a benign interactive system. Only when the anxiety type and avoidant type can they fall in love well.
2. If "the more you like someone, the more you want to stay away", "self-humble" and "fragility" account for most of the reasons.
When we like someone, we will produce " halo effect " on the other party, feeling that the other party seems to be glowing. Such moments are very tests of our inner confidence. People with insufficient inner confidence will pale in such a "halo effect", and then lose the courage to advance the relationship and become retreating.
and "fragility" also comes from "fear of rejection and injury".
is afraid of pain, such as "the pain that may be rejected", "the pain that may be separated", "the pain that may be discarded", etc. So he chose to escape, and he was unwilling to start even the beginning, treating feelings too sadly and self-defense too strongly.
Moreover, some people's fragility is manifested in "feeling like is a sense of loss of control and cannot bear it" and choosing to escape is a manifestation of insufficient love and business.
Whether we can bravely express our admiration for the person we like and allow rejection is related to our "self-love".
partner is a mirror for us. When we love and confident enough, we see the positive aspect, the process of giving will feel happy, and the process of connecting with others is relaxed and full of passion.
When we are in a state of lack, we can only see the "self-dry" under the other party's aura. Finally, we have an inexplicable desire to be enemies with each other. The interaction process is a mess, and the way of contact becomes strange. Finally, we simply give up and go back and avoid and escape.
