About the author
The author Robert Dybord graduated from Selwyn College, Cambridge University. He once taught at Henley Business School in the UK and is an experienced psychological researcher and clinical practitioner. His two professional books, "Consulting Skills" and "Psychological Analysis of Organizations", are both best-selling psychology textbooks in the UK.
About this book
This book has been published for more than 20 years and has become a British national-level introductory book on psychological counseling. Based on the theory of communication analysis psychology, it tells the story of a patient with depression who finally regained happiness and confidence after ten psychological consultations. In the book, you can see the listening, empathy , communication skills of psychological counseling, and a template of a standard psychological counseling process.
Mr. Toad has always loved to laugh and make trouble, but now he is uncharacteristically depressed. He is hiding in the house alone, not even having the strength to get up and wash himself. Friends were very worried about him and suggested that he seek psychological counseling. During 10 psychological consultations, under the guidance of counselor Heron, Toad bravely explored his inner world and gradually regained his confidence and hope...
This is not a book for children, but a book for children. It is a very in-depth psychological healing book. It has been published for more than 20 years and has become a national-level introductory book on psychological counseling in the UK. It is based on the theory of TA communication analysis psychology.
tells the story of a depressed patient who finally regained happiness and confidence after ten psychological consultations. In the book, you can see the listening, empathy, and communication skills of psychological counseling, as well as a template of a standard psychological counseling process. Readers feel as if they are personally present, experiencing every detail of psychological counseling and witnessing healing and change.
In this book, the author uses the interaction between Toad and the psychological counselor Heron to explore the origin of Toad's inferiority, weakness, show-off personality and depression, allowing readers to see the impact of childhood experiences on personality. Profound impact, and how to truly grow up psychologically and live independently, confidently and hopefully.
Story background
Mr. Toad is a character in the famous British fairy tale "The Wind in the Willows". In the UK, he is a bit like our Monkey King, everyone grew up watching his stories. In the story, Mr. Toad loves to brag, take risks, pursue excitement, and is passionate about everything. He took three friends on an adventurous journey. Along the way, there were constant accidents. He escaped home after narrowly avoiding death, only to find that his manor was occupied by bad guys. Fortunately, there is a happy ending in the end. Mr. Toad and his friends work together to regain the manor. He also realizes how precious family and friends are.
Mr. Toad, who loves to laugh and make trouble, becomes depressed in the book we are going to talk about. He hid in the room alone, looking gloomy. His good friends came to see him, but he burst into tears. Friends were worried about him and advised him to try psychological counseling.
The consultant he found was Mr. Heron, who had just arrived in this town. Mr. Heron, you can think of him as the embodiment of Robert Daybord, the author of this book. He is a senior psychological counselor in the UK. He once taught at Henley Business School in the UK and has written several best-selling psychology books. In 1997, when Daibode was in his sixties, he compiled his decades of research results and practical experience in psychological counseling and wrote this introductory book on psychology for ordinary people. For more than twenty years, it has been Long lasting sales. In the book, Mr. Heron gives us the feeling that he is a gentle and wise grandfather just like Debord.
The main line of this book is the ten consultations that the toad made with the heron. You can follow Toad and truly experience what it is like to do consultation. The author writes very skillfully. He incorporates the core concepts, common tools and communication skills of psychological counseling into the story and dialogue. The whole process is a standard psychological counseling template.
First consultation
Toad came to Heron's consultation room for the first time. Heron looked at Toad without saying a word, which made Toad feel very stressed.Finally, the toad couldn't bear the silence and asked the heron: "Aren't you going to tell me what I should do to feel better?"
The heron did not answer the toad, but asked the toad some questions. For example, why did he come for consultation? Who will pay for the consultation? The toad replied: He was very sad. His friends asked him to come and they would pay for it. After hearing this answer, the heron actually said to the toad: You should not come for consultation again. He felt that the reason why Toad came to consult was not that he wanted to solve the problem, but that his friends wanted to solve the problem. These words directly angered the toad.
You see, there is no patient listening, no deep empathy, and no practical suggestions. The feedback given by the heron to the toad is actually questioning and rejection. This was completely different from what Toad expected, and completely different from the consultation I imagined.
Not only was this the first time, but in the subsequent nine consultations, Heron often made Toad feel very stressed and did not know how to deal with it.
Second consultation
At the beginning of the second consultation, Heron was also silent for a period of time. This time, the heron spoke first and asked the toad a very common question: How do you feel today? The toad's answer was: Very good, thank you. The toad's answer was very appropriate, but the heron was not satisfied. He did not want to hear such meaningless greetings. He asked Toad again: How do you really feel now? Under Heron's questioning, Toad felt even more uncomfortable.
Why did the Heron's refusal and questioning make Toad feel uncomfortable? This is because the heron doesn't respond in the way we expect. It was obvious that the heron did this on purpose. So why did he do this?
Let’s go back to the scene of the first consultation. The heron's refusal angered the toad. The toad began to take the initiative to fight back. He asked the heron: What should I do to continue the consultation?
This moment is the critical moment for this consultation. The heron's refusal pointed to the problem that the toad came to consult, not voluntarily. Heron repeatedly mentioned who would pay the consulting fees to emphasize this point. We generally think that no matter who pays, the consultant has received the money anyway, and the results will be the same. In reality, this situation is quite common. Parents will pay the consulting fees for their children, and the husband will pay the consulting fees for his wife. However, if you think about it carefully, you will find that if someone needs help, but someone else pays for it, even if he is well, he may feel that it is because of other people's help, other people's contributions, or even other people's charity to him. . The purpose of psychological counseling is to make people change. However, in this passive relationship, it is difficult for people to change.
Therefore, Heron's rejection forced Toad to face a question: Do I really want to change? When Toad thought about this issue carefully and made up his mind to continue consulting, he did not make the decision to please his friends, but made his own decision. The final change is his own change. Only such consultation can be effective.
You see, during the first consultation, Heron broke Toad's habit of passively accepting thinking and made Toad take responsibility for his own changes. In the second consultation, the heron changed another of the toad's usual thinking patterns through questioning.
The heron kept asking the toad, how do you feel now? The toad couldn't answer, so he had to ask the heron in a hurry: What do you mean by "feeling"?
This question sounds a bit stupid. But imagine if it were us, if someone asked us this, could we clearly describe how we feel at this moment? In fact, many people have never been consciously aware of their current emotions, let alone used words to describe their emotions. We may even develop strategies to avoid our emotions, such as anxiety caused by social pressure. That's what a toad is. In "The Wind in the Willows", every time he meets his friends, Toad takes the initiative to start the conversation because he is afraid of being left in the cold. He would say: Hello, my friends! You'll never guess what I've been doing lately? If you ask this question, no one will care about how he feels now.
Therefore, the intention of Heron's questioning is also very obvious. He wanted Toad to realize that he had never paid attention to the current emotions, which in itself was a very serious problem. Next, the heron began to guide the toad to feel. He asked the toads to imagine an emotional thermometer that measured feelings, with 1 being very bad and even suicidal; 10 being very pleasant. Then he asked the toad to make a mark. Toad did not hesitate to mark between 1 and 2. They began to discuss, had the toad ever felt suicidal? What happened? How does he feel now? Toad said that he felt that he had made a mess of his life, and he began to cry. Heron continued to ask: Have you always felt this way?
consultation began to enter the state I imagined. The heron asks questions and listens; the toad answers and tells his feelings. The toad opened his chatterbox and told some of his adventures. Toad went to jail for his mischief and escaped again. Dressed as a washerwoman, he fled and was chased by a group of gangsters. After finally escaping, he fell into the river again and almost drowned. It was really unlucky. Fortunately, at this moment, his good friend River Rat saved him.
This experience comes from "The Wind in the Willows". Although there are many twists and turns, the result is good. What is there to be unhappy about? Sure enough, the heron asked the toad: Why do these things make you unhappy?
Toad said: It’s because of the Rat’s attitude. Although the Rat saved him, he was not interested in hearing Toad share his tragic experience and just criticized him. Not only the Rat, but also his other friend the Badger, always criticizes the Toad, saying that he is nonsense and unreliable. Even when they later took back Toad Manor together, it didn't make Toad happy, because all he felt from his friends was negation.
Readers who are familiar with "The Wind in the Willows" will find it a bit subversive when Toad says this. In the original story, we read that the unlucky toad was finally rescued by his friends and they took back the manor together. We would take it for granted that the toad is happy. But now, the author lets us enter the inner world of the toad and tells us that the truth is not like this. The toad is not happy at all. After comparing
like this, you will realize the problem. In the original story, we would think that the toad is happy because he uses strategies to avoid emotions and prevent others from seeing it. It was like the first time Heron asked him how he was feeling and he responded "Fine, thank you." He was so used to this that he didn't realize the emotions he was suppressing.
We need psychological counseling. It is precisely because of the accumulation of these emotions that the "self" becomes sick. Self-illness is not like a cold or fever. The cause is easy to find and there are medicines to treat it. The self is too complex, and it is related to our experiences, memories, emotions, and cognitions. Its cause is difficult to find and varies from person to person.
However, if you want to treat it, there are still clues to follow. If you become sick, it must be related to your current thinking and behavior patterns. The heron uses rejection and questioning to make the toad feel uncomfortable, just to break the toad's habitual behavior and thinking patterns. Only when there is destruction can there be establishment. Only by breaking the old model can we help Toad establish a new model. This is the core task of psychological counseling, which is to bring changes to people.
How can it be changed? The prerequisite for change is self-awareness. So starting from the second consultation, in every consultation, the heron will repeatedly ask the toad, how do you feel now? This is leading the toad to self-awareness. The process of self-awareness must be painful. As Jung said: There is no awakening without pain. Therefore, psychological counseling is not pleasant, and there will be complex emotions such as stress, anxiety, anger, and collapse.
The essence of psychological counseling is to go through this difficult and painful journey of self-awareness with the consultant.
Let’s talk about what is the job of a psychological counselor?
First of all, we must make it clear that counselors are not psychiatrists and they are not responsible for treating mental illness. You might say that psychological counselors will accompany us, listen to us, and guide us.But, if only, it would be nice to have family and friends. A consultation lasts only a few dozen minutes, which is definitely not as good as family and friends who can stay with us for a long time.
In fact, we need a counselor precisely because he is neither a family member nor a friend. He is an outsider in our life.
Why do we get depressed? Why can’t I get out of being immersed in sadness and pain? These emotions must be related to some things that have been experienced recently, and they must be related to the people around you. If we trace the source, many problems can find deeper causes in the family of origin. In other words, if life is a drama, the direction of the drama must depend on the previous plot. So, if the direction of the play does not meet our expectations, it will be difficult for people in the play to modify the script themselves. Because they have become accustomed to the characters and relationships arranged by the script, it is difficult to change them.
At this time, an outsider is needed. It is best for this person to be an experienced audience member. He has watched many plays and can accurately judge where the problems in the play are and whether there are better possibilities. He can work with you to revise the script.
This is the job of a psychological counselor. The theoretical basis of this kind of counseling is called communication analysis psychology, which is a school of psychological counseling founded by the famous American psychologist Eric Byrne . Bourne's most famous point of view is called "life script", which is actually the script of the drama of life just mentioned. In Bourne's view, the job of a counselor is to help others modify their "life scripts."
So, how can we modify the "life script"? Let's see how the heron does it.
The sixth consultation
During the sixth consultation, Toad told Heron something that happened recently and made him very angry. Toad is the director of the village school, but he has been out of shape recently and cannot attend the board meeting. One day, Toad's friend Badger came to see him. Badger said that since Toad was unable to perform his duties, he wanted to take Toad's place as school director. Badger discussed it with the campus pastor without even asking Toad what he thought. When the toad heard this, he was very angry, but he did not dare to express his dissatisfaction in front of the badger. He had to say that he needed to think again.
After listening to Toad's story, Heron was silent for a long time, and then said: Toad, I have to congratulate you, you are very good at playing this game called "PLOM". PLOM is the first letter of four words, which means "little and pitiful me".
These words sounded very mocking. As you can imagine, the toad was even more angry. He was telling about the hurt his friends had caused him, but Heron said, was he playing a game?
The game Heron talked about is actually a concept in communication analysis psychology called psychological games. Simply put, psychological games are a fixed pattern formed by people in communication, which will lead to specific psychological outcomes. The PLOM that the heron said, "I am so small and pitiful," is the psychological ending that the toad gets in this game.
For most people, mind games are learned in childhood. We unconsciously repeat these games later in life. In this way, mental games determine the script of our lives. If there's something wrong with the game, there's something wrong with the script, and it's going to lead to mental illness. Toad is depressed because his life script is wrong. Obviously, the problem is related to the game PLOM.
Therefore, if you want to modify your life script, the key step is to find the problematic mental game. However, in counseling, the counselor cannot find the psychological game all at once. Psychological games are hidden in daily communication, so the first thing they have to do is analyze the communication.
Communication Analysis Psychologists believe that our daily communication, whether it is problematic communication or normal communication, has a fixed pattern. First of all, in communication, we will unconsciously put ourselves into a certain role and think, feel and act according to this role. The role mentioned here is a person's self-state in communication.For example, when the toad heard the badger's order disguised as a discussion, he first felt angry, and then began to doubt himself. Although he was very reluctant, he did not dare to refuse the badger. This is the state of children. A badger who always gives orders without considering the feelings of the other person is in a parental state. There are generally three self-states. In addition to the child state and the parent state, the rest is the adult state. When we grow up, we can generally communicate with colleagues and friends on an equal footing, that is, we are in an adult state.
Secondly, communication must be two-way. Two people start to communicate, one gives a stimulus and the other responds. This is a social unit. The stimulation and response here may be language or other non-verbal information, such as slamming the door during an argument. The so-called communication mode refers to the self-state of both parties in a social unit.
The communication between a toad and a badger is the simplest mode. The badger stimulates in the form of father to son, and the toad responds in the form of son to father. This is called complementary communication. Sometimes, one person stimulates in an adult-to-adult manner, but the other person may respond in a parent-to-child manner. For example, a husband asks his wife: Where is my shirt? The wife replied: Why do you blame me for everything? This is called cross communication.
interleaved communication plus complementary communication, there will be 81 different situations. That’s a lot, right? There are more complex ones. Sometimes the communication may appear to be adult-to-adult, but in reality the speaker is trying to stimulate the other person into other self-states. For example, when a salesperson introduces a product, he may sound very rational, but he actually wants to put the consumer into a child state, making it easier for him to pay. This kind of inductive communication is called role communication.
The last situation is called compound communication, which occurs at two levels at the same time. For example, on the superficial social level, it seems that we are adults versus adults, but on the underlying psychological level, it is children versus children. You can think of it as "duplicity" communication. There are 18 types of role communication, and there are even more types of compound communication. Theoretically, there are more than 6,000 types.
During consultation, counselors must always be alert to communication patterns and discover those communication patterns that have become psychological games. Once a communication pattern becomes a mind game, it has three characteristics: it is deceptive, it is repeated, and it leads to a clear psychological outcome.
Now that we understand the theory, let’s analyze the communication between toads and badgers. During the conversation, neither Toad nor Badger directly expressed their true feelings. Toad was obviously unwilling to give up his position as director, but only said that he would think about it again. This is deceptive. Toad and badger always communicate like this, as if they are reenacting a plot that has already been set. The badger plays the stern one who gives orders, and the toad plays the poor one who follows orders. This is repetition. The result of every communication is that the toad feels like "poor little me". This is a clear psychological outcome.
Let’s go back and see what exactly did Heron do during the consultation to help Toad realize these problems? When the toad told the heron about his quarrel with the badger, the heron accurately recognized that this was a complementary communication between father and son. He realized that this pattern was not just present in the toad's relationship with the badger; it was a psychological game that the toad had been playing. This game determines Toad's life script and is the cause of his current depression.
found the cause, the remaining question is, what to do?
Life scripts are generally formed in childhood. For most people, they are programs written by their parents. So in the ensuing consultation, Heron asked Toad to tell his life story. The narration made Toad begin to comprehensively review his life, and he realized the impact that certain people and certain things had on him. He realized that his father's harshness had planted the mind game of PLOM in him. To Toad, Badger was an elder and his father's friend. Badger, like his father, was always strong in front of Toad and was very harsh with him. So he will repeat the PLOM game during his interactions with the badger.You see, the narrative is about finding out how the program was originally written. Telling itself is therapy. What is the effect of
treatment? The toad recovered. Toad announced to his friends that he planned to sell the manor and open a real estate company in London. He also joined the amateur drama club and wanted to play the leading role in the next play. Mr. Toad not only got out of depression, but also found a new direction in life.
We often say that life is like a drama, but the drama of life is not completely improvised. The script is most likely written early in our lives. When I'm in a play, I often don't realize that I'm an actor acting according to a script. But once you discover all this, the floodgates of memories open, and you gain a God's-eye view beyond the script, an outsider's perspective. Next, you can rewrite your life script according to your heart. The role of
consultants is to help you identify old life scripts and work with you to write new ones.
▶️ I have seen a widely circulated story -
"Doctor, can you cure my depression , I am not happy."
"If you are not happy, why don't you go to see the clown show in our city?" Anyone who has seen his performance will be happy"
"But I am the clown"
The same is true for the toad in "The Wind in the Willows". In this fairy tale, Toad is an enthusiastic, fashionable and adventurous guy who has caused a lot of troubles and jokes. It seems that such a Toad should be insulated from depression, but in this book "Mr. Toad" In "Go See a Psychologist", he became the protagonist of the story who was deeply depressed and unable to extricate himself.
Jung said: "There is no awakening without pain." In the story of Mr. Toad, we will understand the meaning of this sentence more deeply.
Each of us may be Mr. Toad, and we may all encounter depression. When we encounter depression, we will feel that "our heart has been stabbed." But only after the pain of stabbing the heart can we have the hope of rebirth. courage. What this book wants to save is us, who are like children in the guise of adults but fragile and confused at heart.
When the author of this book was a young student, he was attacked by the German blitzkrieg and had to be evacuated with his classmates to Cornwall to continue classes. This also laid the foundation for his lifelong interest in leisurely life along the coast. Interestingly, Cornish is also the source of inspiration for many works of Kenneth Grahame, the author of "The Wind in the Willows". Perhaps this is another reason why Mr. Toad can become the protagonist of this book.
Robert Dybord, the author of this book, passed away on February 4, 2020, but the warm words he left in this book are destined to heal many people. I hope we all live up to him and become better versions of ourselves.
The content is edited and compiled based on the content of the audiobook and the e-book "Mr. Toad Sees a Psychologist"
