I have been thinking about where to start for a long time and have been organizing my thoughts. I always hope that my thoughts will be clear and logically expressed. However, I found that no matter how I organized it, I could not achieve the level of satisfaction. I suddenly realized that I was too much. To be harsh is to pursue perfection too much, which goes against the original intention, so just write as you like.
Let’s first talk about panic attacks , which make patients with anxiety disorders frightened and shudder. Everyone should believe that using these two words to describe it is not an exaggeration at all, because it is really terrible for those who have experienced it personally. My first anxiety symptoms were panic attacks.
I was in college at the time. I was reading in the dormitory with the lamp on at night after turning off the lights. Suddenly, a kind of fear burst out of my heart without any warning. I subconsciously jumped up from leaning on the bed to sitting upright. The book in his hand was thrown out without knowing when. Fortunately, the feeling only came for a moment and did not stay, but the fear and the strangeness of that fear were something I had never experienced in my young life, which made me stunned for several minutes before I regained my composure. I tried hard to search for the cause within the scope of my knowledge. After a self-righteous analysis, I suspected that it might be a heart problem, and since the time was so short, it shouldn’t be a big problem. I half-jokingly told my roommate that I would call for help next time if this happens again. 120, and then this matter was slowly forgotten by me.
The second time, I just started working after graduation. I remember it was autumn and the weather was very nice that day. After lunch, I went outside to bask in the sun with my colleagues. After a while, I got a little tired from standing, and my colleague’s car happened to be nearby, so we got in the car and planned to sit in it for a while. After sitting down, I saw a newspaper in the car and took it over to read. Just when I concentrated on reading an article, the feeling of fear suddenly surged over me again, and this time it was worse than the first time. The feeling was much stronger. At that moment, I even felt that I was going to die. The reaction at that time was very similar to the first time. My body bounced up like a spring and I sat upright nervously. I threw the newspaper unconsciously again, although the car door was open. , but I still felt that the small space was suffocating, so I immediately got out of the car and went outside. My colleagues were baffled by my sudden series of actions. I didn’t know how to explain it. I just said that I suddenly felt uncomfortable just now and was perfunctory. Fortunately, it stabilized for a while and no other uncomfortable symptoms occurred except nervousness, so I gradually felt relieved.
After this time, I was a little scared. The first time it could be said to be an accident, but this situation happened repeatedly. Is there something wrong? So I even more suspected that it was the heart. I thought that I would have to wait for some time. Go check it out. However, these two attacks have two things in common that I find very puzzling. The first is that both attacks were focused on reading text, and the second is that my stress response movements are too large and exaggerated. But I couldn’t figure it out, and it also caused me to be averse to written things for a long time.
The third time, probably a few months after the second attack, I made an appointment with a friend to go to her house for dinner. I felt a little uncomfortable in the taxi on the way to her house, but I couldn’t tell where it was. I felt uncomfortable, so I thought it was due to poor air circulation in the car, so I didn't pay much attention to it. It had not been ten minutes since I arrived at the place and entered the room. When I was talking to my friends, the familiar yet unfamiliar fear came again. But this time it was not just temporary like the previous two times. This time It continues after the attack, and the feeling of fear that instantly spreads throughout your body and surrounds you and refuses to leave is really devastating. I thought again that I was going to die, so I told my friends that I needed to go to the hospital right away. On the way to the hospital, that feeling persisted, but strangely it disappeared as soon as I entered the hospital. But at my request, a series of heart tests including an electrocardiogram were performed, and of course the results were that everything was normal. Now I started to wonder, if there was no problem with my heart, what was wrong? Could it be that it was not detected through the examination? I went home with a bunch of wild speculations.
This attack was like opening the valve of anxiety. After that, the frequency of panic attacks became higher and higher. When I didn’t have an attack, I spent my time in fear of another attack. My mood was so bad that I couldn’t eat. I couldn't sleep and lost seven or eight pounds in a week. What's even worse is that I had no idea about anxiety disorders at that time, and I didn't think of mental illness at all. I always suspected that it was a heart problem that hadn't been diagnosed, so I went to the hospital frequently for check-ups. Of course, no matter how I checked, everything was fine.
Later, a friend who worked in a hospital told me that when she told her colleagues about my situation, her colleagues suggested that I go to a psychological clinic to see if I might have an anxiety disorder. After hearing this, although I didn’t quite understand or believe it, I still followed her advice and went to a psychological clinic. I talked about my symptoms with the counselor there, and took another test, which she completed. She told me that it was indeed an anxiety disorder, and then she did some so-called relaxation training (now that I think about it, it was very unprofessional, it just let me imagine all kinds of things, not even music. I didn't tell her that I actually didn't imagine anything. ), he also prescribed medicine, and then ended it, saying that he would come back after taking the medicine.
I went back in confusion, although this psychological clinic was not very professional (it was 2007, and most areas did not pay enough attention to or even understand mental illness. Some tertiary hospitals were even classified as neurology , so it’s normal to be unprofessional in a small city like ours), but it opened up my understanding of anxiety disorders. After all, no matter how unprofessional, some definitions and terms are things I have never come across before. Through this consultation, at least I know that since I have gone to the hospital many times for examinations and the results are normal, it really is not a heart problem. The feeling of dying is called a dying feeling, and there will be no Substantial danger, this may be the only comfort. But then I fell into a quagmire of thinking about why I had anxiety. Every day I thought about why I had this disease. I couldn't believe it was true.
Although I know that there is no danger, when the fear comes, the feeling of dying has not diminished at all, and I am also worried that I will go crazy, go crazy, etc. Looking back now, the pain was really too sad.
I lived like this for about a year, with good times and bad times, which made life and work very unsatisfactory. My family also lost a lot of joy because of my condition. I felt very guilty, so I decided to leave home and go to a bigger city to try my luck on my own.
I went out to hang out and found out that I could no longer find a job normally. It will happen during an interview, it will happen during a meeting, it will happen while studying, it will happen when taking the bus, it does not necessarily happen when. I became extremely anxious. Once, I even stood on the side of the road and looked at the people in the bus with envy and thought, "They are so awesome. They don't feel uncomfortable when taking the bus. How do they do it?" What a ridiculous idea, just like taking the bus should be uncomfortable, and those who don't feel uncomfortable or can endure the discomfort are heroes. Looking back now, I don't understand why I thought so at that time. If someone else told me, I might not believe it, but that thought really existed in my heart at that time.
If you can’t find a job, you will have no income, and you will have to rely on your parents to live. This cannot continue. Although psychological treatment is more expensive, if it is not treated, the vicious cycle will continue without an end. So I made a lot of determination and called my mother to tell her that I wanted to get treatment. My mother came to my city with her money and her body, which started my journey to truly get in touch with anxiety disorders and psychological counselors.
I have said so much without knowing it. I wanted to talk to you about how I overcame panic attacks. As I was talking, I started talking about the process. Let’s stop here first. Next time, I will tell you about it and try to be as brief as possible. The language bar process is finished.
