"What I want has always been a firm choice"

received a message from my friend Tangyuan today:

" I never seemed to be firmly chosen. In order to do a dowry for my sister,

gave my sister the only house that was demolished. In fact, I have a very good relationship with my sister. Well, it’s true to feel happy for her.

is only a little sad, , I actually feel that this choice is of as I expected.

since childhood, they will prefer their sisters more." Tangyuan is a bit heavy at home. The thought of Qingnv, when the glutinous rice balls were born, broke the expectations of father and grandma for the second-born boy, so she has never been pampered like her sister. Tangyuan said that I remember it very clearly, because I lived in my grandmother's house and returned to my own home when I was three years old.

Dad doesn't like children littering. Every time I play naughty, I always pile up tissues on the table. When Dad goes home and sees it, he will shout my name immediately. Although

always has a sister in front and tells her that she did it, my father will not lose his temper. Although

was hiding behind my sister at that time, what I always thought was why my father never chose to stand with me. We have always believed that "to be firmly chosen" is something that makes people extremely proud, because we can be sure that we are loved and valuable through the approval and choice of others.

is like the words said by the faceless man in the movie "Spirited Away"

"I only give to Xiaoqian, not to others."

In recent years, friends have always complained with me. Like fast-food love, it is not difficult to fall in love, but it is difficult to talk about a “only you” relationship.

There is a girl near me, Lin Lin, who is considered a good girl among my friends. She has a gentle personality and looks good, but she hasn't been in love since I had a ignorant first love three years ago.

She said, "In fact, some people say they like me, but they often turn around and leave after I become colder. Over time, I will also have the illusion that they don't like me so much '." She said in the previous paragraph. Time had a good chat with a boy who was a classmate of her high school.

recently met again because of a party. The boy said that he had a good impression of her when he was in high school. The two chatted for a month. The boy jokingly said, "Would you like to be my girlfriend?" Lin Lin hesitated for a while Said "Learn more."

Afterwards, the two of them slowly became ordinary friends. After three months, the boy showed his affection in the circle of friends. She said that sometimes I envy my friends.

envy them being blatantly pursued, envy them having the "no matter what you look like, I like you because you are you" love.

"However, this kind of sweet love seems to have never been with me."

Everyone says this is the age of fast food love, we can't help wondering

"Is the emotion we feel love?" "I am for him." Is emotion love?"

In fact, while we are thinking about "Why are we not firmly chosen?",

we have to ask ourselves "Do we have the ability to love and be loved?" is psychologically true There are four types of people, they are "cannot really love". Come and see if you are among them? Fromm (1956) proposed four types of people who "cannot really love": receptive orientation, exploitative orientation, hoarding orientation, and marketing orientation ). A person may have only one orientation, or be dominated by one orientation, mixed with other orientations (Fromm, 1947). 01. Receptive orientation Receptive orientation people think that love can only come from the outside world, and believe that the only way they can get love is to rely on others to actively give love, and they can only be a passive recipient, and there is no way to take the initiative Get love from others. As long as anyone gives them love, or seems to be loving them, they will be confusedFall in love with this person, or indulge in the experience of being loved (Fromm, 1947). 02. Exploitative orientation is similar to receptive orientation. People with exploitative orientation also believe that love can only come from the outside world. However, the exploitative type is different from the accepting type. The accepting type is still optimistic and expectant to others and feels that it is possible for others to actively love them; while the exploitative type does not think that others will actively give love. It is to get love from others through deception or plunder (Fromm, 1947). Exploitative people do not think that their partners will give love spontaneously, so their attitude towards their partners is mixed with hostility and manipulation. On the one hand, they are delighted that they can exploit love from their partner, on the other hand, they have anger and distrust towards their partner. They will underestimate the value of the love their partner gives, because they always think that their partner will not really give love. 03. Hoarding orientation Hoarding orientation people think that the only way to possess love is to try not to consume it. They are unwilling to give; they think that once they give, they are wasting their resources. If hoarders find that their partner no longer gives love, they will not panic, because they did not expect to get a lot of love from others, they just hope to reduce consumption by not paying. "Don't pay" is their bottom line. If a partner asks a hoarding person to pay, they will become alienated or choose to destroy the relationship. 04. Market-exchange orientation People who are accepting, exploiting and hoarding mentioned earlier do not give love in love, but only passively accept or exploit. The market exchange-oriented people will be willing to give love and think that others will give love to themselves spontaneously, but they regard the essence of love as a transaction: I give you love, so you must also give me love. Market exchange type people regard themselves as commodities. They sell their fascinating qualities in exchange for a satisfactory partner.

And they have "wrong love" often because:

01. Misunderstanding of love Many people simply regard love as a problem of "being loved". They spend their energy thinking about how to mention their own charm and how to make others fall in love with themselves, but they rarely think about how to love others. They are always waiting for the "right person", thinking that as long as they find that person, a good intimacy will come naturally. But establishing a loving relationship requires not only being loved, but also how to give and get along in love. If you don’t learn to love and improve your ability to love, even if you find someone who loves you, you may not be able to maintain a long-term love relationship with your partner due to your own problems. 02. Family influence: not having "unconditional love" and "conditional love" at the same time In the process of growing up, a person needs to obtain "unconditional love" and "conditional love" at the same time in order to grow into a mature one Someone who loves others. "unconditional love" means "no matter what you do, I will love you". If lacks “unconditional love”, children will feel that people are not born with love, but only because they do something right can they get love from others (Fromm, 1956).

"Conditional love" means "I love you because you have reached my standard." Love like will make children feel that they do something right/wrong, and may gain/loss love.

"Conditional love" allows children to learn to be responsible for their actions. They understand that if they can recognize and meet the needs of others, they can get love; if they make a mistake, they have to bear negative consequences (others may reduce their love for them), but at the same time, they can still pass Regret and regain the love of others (Fromm, 1956). No one is an isolated island. The sociologist Fromm describes love in this way: Only through love can a truly mature person establish a long-term and independent relationship with other individuals and escape loneliness.

Finally, hopes that our boys and girls will all become the ones who "really love" and "deserve to be loved".