A friend from Knowledge Planet asked:
Hello, Erya
has a question for you, about my husband’s family.
Last Friday, my mother-in-law sent off her husband's brother's daughter in her hometown, and fell down. Not serious, but not light either. About 6 years ago, my mother-in-law also fell down at my aunt's place in Shanghai. I don't know if this time it was the same wound as last time.
The last time I fell down, my family paid 20,000 yuan. I don’t know how much it will cost this time.
My father-in-law has been sick one after another in the past few years, and he has spent a lot of money.
Especially last year, my aunt insisted on giving my father-in-law a leg brace, saying that it would stop the pain in his back legs.
She did not discuss it with her brother (my husband) at the time.
initially said that she spent the money herself, but later felt it was inappropriate and decided to split it equally between the three siblings. At that time, I felt that my aunt was too scheming. She had money, so she insisted on bringing our little family together to treat his father.
In fact, if you don’t read it, it will not affect your life.
And she only cares about her own filial piety and completely ignores the actual situation of my little family.
treats her parents-in-law for medical treatment and also pays them pension money every year. My small family is really struggling, and my husband thinks we should spend money.
Why do I care so much about spending money on my parents-in-law? In the past, when I was raising children full-time, I was ridiculed by my in-laws.
Mother-in-law is obviously a resource for two sons, why should she only raise children for the eldest son, but also raise two children!
They always say that I will not return the child to my hometown, and that the eldest daughter-in-law does not take care of the child. If not, what will happen if the eldest son and his wife divorce?
My aunt thinks that the reason why my mother-in-law doesn’t come to take care of my children is because I don’t have a good relationship with my parents-in-law.
She only stands in her own position. Have you ever thought about why I put my son in my hometown? Why didn't she leave her son in the countryside?
Her parents-in-law have pensions. She doesn’t even consider that my small family just spends money on her parents, and she still thinks it is appropriate.
In short, I just think that my aunt is a girl, and at the same time, she has the best conditions. She cannot be affected by who her parents-in-law will take care of.
My sister-in-law’s child was raised by her parents-in-law, so she got an advantage. Then I was not emotionally satisfied, and I raised the children.
I am very reluctant to pay for it.
I go to work and take care of my children. In the past, I had to take my children with me to work, and then go home to do laundry, cooking, and housework, so my heart is very unbalanced.
My husband is quite responsible for the family, but he rarely takes care of the children, so he is okay with me. But every time I was faced with the grievances I suffered, I was indifferent and felt that I was a bit unreasonable.
After nagging so much, I just want to try to ask: If you were me, how should you deal with this emotion? How to let go?
I just feel so mentally tired right now, and I feel so unwilling to do so. Why should I take care of my eldest son? If something goes wrong and I pay for it, I will be remembered.
Why does my aunt want to show her filial piety and bring my family together? Have you discussed it with your brother and sister-in-law? How should I fight back against my aunt, brother, and sister-in-law .
Every time I see you answer readers’ questions, your analysis is very good. Especially the last article analyzed the affairs of the beauty salon sister in Huizhou .
Hello~
First of all, I think your idea is understandable. You are not really concerned about the money.
but:
. When you are in the most difficult time, your parents-in-law not only do not help you, but they also treat you sarcastically and have a bad attitude towards you.
At this time, your heart is dead, you have no expectations for them, and you are ready to never have contact with them until life and death. Here in your heart, you no longer regard them as elders, do not expect them, and treat them as just ordinary relatives. Relationship, nothing more.
. People’s hearts are made of flesh. We ordinary people cannot do things like repaying evil with kindness, so don’t force yourself.
You just don’t mind that they don’t help you when you are in trouble. You have endured it yourself, and now your family has to pay for it at every turn. You feel that although your husband earns the money, you are suffering and tired in this family, and you are not lazy. .
What you pay is much greater than what you get. My husband makes limited money, so where the money is spent, he must save some money on other parts of the family.
This will affect your life.
That's the money you saved for this family. They actually asked your family to pay for it without even discussing it with you. This makes you not feel the slightest respect from them.
So, you just mind!
even thought: They are not my parents. They are injured but cannot die. They come to ask for money again and again. It is so annoying!
The most important thing is: If your parents-in-law treat everyone equally and don't help you or the other daughter-in-law, then you will feel better, but! Not only did they not help you, but they helped another daughter-in-law raise two children!
doesn’t feel guilty about you at all, and won’t even give you a good face! Also make some sarcastic remarks! They don’t care about the bowl of water, but they still ridicule you for having to choose full-time.
This makes you feel: They are only targeting you as the daughter-in-law, and they look down on you. You cannot treat them as family members, because they don't seem to treat you as family members either.
If we don’t usually interact with each other, forget it, but if you are asked to take money every now and then, you are very concerned about it and don’t want to take the money.
But maybe it’s because of face, maybe because I don’t want to quarrel with my husband, or maybe I don’t dare to express my inner thoughts, so I can only give out the money, suffer the anger myself, and become more and more confused, then The qi just can’t get out!
You don’t even have a place to vent. You want to talk to your husband about it, but your husband says you are being unreasonable. He thought : Those are my parents, they gave me birth and raised me, what’s wrong with giving me some money?
At this time, you are even more angry, feeling that is isolated from , feeling that is not worth it, angry, angry, wronged, resentful...
A variety of emotions are entangled together.
In fact, you don’t even want much:
. I hope your parents-in-law can help take care of the children;
. If you can’t do it with 1, then give some financial support;
. If you can’t do it with 1 and 2, then give some emotional value. , tell your husband how good you are as a daughter-in-law, recognize your hard work, and recognize your contribution to the family;
, 123 can’t do that, forget it, then don’t ask me for money!
. But they 1234 can’t do it, and they keep coming to you for money! As the payer, you are not even qualified to negotiate!
is so angry!
Your straight husband will definitely not be able to understand the emotions behind your complaints, so he calls you unreasonable.
Most men are like this. The principle behind this can actually be traced back to ancient times.
But let’s not go that far today. Let’s simply analyze the psychology of men like your husband.
A man who grew up in a native family with many brothers and sisters, and he is still the younger brother, is destined to be less independent in than .
Because the skill he learned in his native family is: obedience.
As long as you are obedient, you can get praise and recognition from your parents. As long as you are obedient, you can get help from your brothers and sisters.
Being obedient has become the foundation for his survival in his native family.
But everyone wants to control their own lives. After such men start a new family, they will start to try to make decisions in their own small family. However, because he lacks the training to make choices, he will make wrong choices and be the first to cover for his mistakes. The first person responsible will be the woman he married.
This is the first layer of pressure a woman faces when marrying this kind of man, she has to protect him. To put it bluntly, it is actually raising an older son. This type of man cannot provide much emotional value to his partner.
Moreover, he is usually willful and likes to be praised by his partner. If his partner complains and accuses him, he will become irritable and irritable within a few words and refuse to communicate.
Once his partner has a conflict with his family of origin, he will immediately defend the members of his family of origin. If the one who suffers is his woman, he will remain silent and pretend he doesn't know.
When faced with complaints from his partner, he will act stupid.
Of course, he actually knew it, so he felt guilty, thinking: "I know you have been wronged, and I will treat you twice as well."
But what he called good was just saying a few more words: "Wife, Don't be angry."
Then, lower your attitude in this marriage, that's all.
He can neither make more money to support his partner, nor can he apologize to his partner for his family's presumption, nor can he help his partner win the respect they deserve.
If his partner is dissatisfied with his approach, he will be a little angry and think: Since you married me, you must accept my family!
Then he will think: You just think I make less money and you look down on me. If I could make a lot of money, I wouldn't have these problems.
In the end, he successfully changed the nature of the quarrel into: you disliked your husband for earning less.
Time and time again, women are too lazy to say anything, because it is useless to say it. They talk to chickens and ducks, and play the piano to cows. Not only will they not get a word of concern, but they will also quarrel, which makes their hearts even colder.
Do you think men are not smart? No, they actually have a clear conscience.
It’s just that I don’t take responsibility.
can only bully his own woman, he dare not challenge his family of origin, and he is unwilling to face and admit his own weakness. What else can
do? The lowest cost for him is to sacrifice the emotional value of his woman.
In such an environment, a woman must become a "shrew" if she does not want to be angry.
to men: Don’t you want to make up for it by lowering your family status? Tell him directly that his family status is really not high, and his face is not that big, so he can make up for it for his family.
To yourself: Don’t be kidnapped by morality, and don’t use “virtue” to brainwash yourself. Don’t be led astray by the values of those around you.
You must know that there are a lot of rumors about the family of origin now. You are still worried about the harm done to you by your own parents and cannot dilute it. You feel that your parents have affected your life. But they come to ask us, who married into someone else's family midway and suddenly got a daughter-in-law with "strange parents", to be "tolerant" in the face of the "criticisms" of our parents-in-law?
Why don’t you tolerate your own parents?
Therefore, no one should try to persuade such a daughter-in-law to be generous.You can say that it will be over if you endure it, but I tell you: you won’t be able to get through it!
The reason why you are repeatedly entangled with this emotion now is:
The money is given away;
I am a coward and I have suffered;
I want to take it out on my husband, but he is not the same as you, and even accuses you in turn.
So, you have to ask me how to deal with emotions.
My attitude is this: I am new to your house and want to be your daughter-in-law. I want to cooperate well, do my duty as a daughter-in-law, and have a good attitude. However, if you don’t cherish it and don’t give me a good face. .
Then don’t blame me for falling out.
Actually, I am in a similar situation to you, so I understand you very well.
My mother-in-law is in poor health and spends more than 10,000 yuan a month. The three siblings share it, and our family has to give us a share of 3,500 yuan/month.
My husband’s aunt passed away due to an accident last year. My eldest sister-in-law made the decision, and each of the three sisters gave out a red envelope of 10,000 yuan. I was really angry at the time. cost 10,000 yuan, and the dealer didn’t even discuss it with me. was installed directly by myself, and my husband paid for it afterwards.
I have all the money in our family, and my husband comes to me to get the money, and I get angry!
What makes me most angry is that they didn’t even bother to talk to me!
I just bought a house in Shanghai, and the real estate certificate was not yet warm in my hands. She asked my husband to be her guarantor and use my house as guarantee so that she could borrow more money. Co-authored by
I have worked so hard in Shanghai for so many years, but in the end it all ended up in this sister-in-law’s pocket? Am I helping her with her part-time job?
My sister-in-law is no worse than yours, right?
Of course, when my family bought a house, my sisters-in-law also borrowed 200,000, but I put this debt on my husband. For now, the money will be repaid by my husband.
For me, my parents take care of the children and I have to earn money. As a wife and daughter-in-law, I have done my duty.
This home is not mine alone. I built a nest for my family and borrowed money from my husband’s family. Why should my daughter-in-law receive this love? What are the men in the family used for?
Then let me ask, taking care of children is a matter for both husband and wife. If someone else from the daughter-in-law’s family takes care of the children, is it because of the man’s face? Is it for the sake of the parents-in-law and sisters-in-law?
No, are they okay? Come on.
Do you appreciate it? no.
You don’t respect me first, you have no boundaries, and then you ask me to obey the four virtues. This is too much.
I felt offended, and the way I handled it was: business as usual.
How I treat my colleagues in the company is how I treat them.
My sister-in-law and I had three head-to-head confrontations:
The first time, on the first day of my wedding, his nanny deceived me and asked me to give the bride price to his eldest sister, saying that he would give me 1,500 yuan in interest every month.
First of all, I am a newly married daughter-in-law, and I trust them. Secondly, I thought at the time that if I was going to buy a house later, I would get more interest if I could get it.
Since everyone in your family has said this, I agree.
As a result, after three months of interest payment, there was no sound and no one said hello to me.
This matter has always been a thorn in my heart, making me feel that I have been deceived.
I said in my previous article that after giving birth to my child, I was going through a divorce for a while and wanted to solve some problems in my marriage.
My sister-in-law came out to mediate the conflict, so I took the interest issue as a gift in the quarrel and settled it. I just said directly that I was owed interest for more than a year.
My husband said next to me: Shut up!
I ignored it. I settled the account in front of several of them and said that I was short of 20,000 yuan in interest. She also transferred 20,000 yuan to me on WeChat in front of everyone.
She didn’t give me the principal of the bride price at the time, but I accelerated the process of looking at the house. I knew that she would only return the bride price to me after I bought the house.
The second time, she asked my husband to be the guarantor.
First of all, I told my husband clearly: Your sister has no boundaries. She wants to buy my house, which makes me very angry. She and I don’t get along. If you don’t dare to refuse, I will do it.
Then I sent her a WeChat message directly, asking her not to ask my husband to be a guarantor or do business, otherwise, she would dismantle this home with her own hands.
The third time was last year, when my husband and I were getting divorced.
I told her directly that I am not satisfied with what your family has done. Don’t remember what you have done for your son and brother, and don’t expect me to repay it.
I have fulfilled my duty as a daughter-in-law, and I have a clear conscience.
If you are not satisfied, then please find someone else, I can’t do it.
The current situation is that anyway, my husband knows that I don’t deal with them. We are both in Shanghai, and I rarely go there. Usually my husband takes the baby with him.
My attitude is very clear: Raising children is also a contribution to your family. Isn’t this the incense of your family?
To summarize:
Because my earning ability is not bad, I don’t have a full-time job, and I have such a sharp-tongued personality. I usually feel unhappy in the moment, and I solve the problem immediately, so I don’t keep sulking. .
For people like me, after repeated admonitions, they will accept my character and be afraid of me.
I have always said that my marriage is the story of "the development of a shrew".
I was originally a pregnant girl who had high expectations for marriage and a partner. As a result, through life and marriage education, I have become sober and transparent in the world now.
I don’t know whether this is good or bad.
I don’t want to hide the truth about my marriage, because I want to be honest with myself, the people and things I encounter, the society and the environment I live in, so that I can have some strength.
I want to be compassionate to myself and not be harsh on myself to be a good wife, mother, and daughter-in-law in the eyes of others.
I just want to be myself.
Now that she has taken the path of a shrew, enjoy this role.
This is much better than the submissive behavior in my family of origin. My family values boys over girls, and I have been wronged a lot. Later, I simply used the shrew trick to the extreme. I also used it in my family of origin, and it cured me. Got rid of my mother's pretentiousness and complaints.
In short, no matter it is my husband’s family or my natal family, they don’t dare to mess with me anymore.
On the one hand, I feel a little happy, but on the other hand, I feel a little sad.
Who doesn’t want a marriage with good communication, a natal family and a husband’s family that are sensible, respect each other, and help each other?
People's hearts are unpredictable and desires are hard to fill.
We are like this, and so are others.
Think about it from another angle, we are actually better off than many people. At least the man didn't eat, drink, go whoring or gamble, and he still cared about his family.
Think about it from another angle, why does this society have such low requirements for men and so high requirements for women?
I have been married for 5 years. In other words, behind my shrew character and my "coolness", I have endured many years and endured many things. Moreover, I have a plan for the development of my family, and I have made a plan. Grades, they don’t mess with me.
If I had no money now, rented a house, and worked full time, I might not only be angry with my husband’s family, but also my mother’s family.
Therefore, money means a sense of security to me. The environment I am in is such that I cannot help but value money. This is an important reason why I work so hard to make money.
What advice can I give you:
I think everyone has different personalities, different expressive abilities, different sensitivities, and different relationships between husband and wife. I can't give you a specific solution.
If you can directly point it out and solve it, and don't care if they say you are stingy, then you will go just to vent your anger.
But if you have already given the money, then next time you quarrel with your husband, make this issue clear by the way, and resolve it as a gift in the quarrel, but it cannot be used as a reason for the quarrel.
After all, we can’t control a man’s filial piety. Besides, filial piety is also a good quality. It’s okay for a man to be filial, as long as the family’s monthly expenses are kept within limits, that’s fine.
If you are filial to you, I will support you.
Finally, you can actually buy accident insurance for the elderly.
It only costs a few hundred yuan per year. If you fall, bump, or touch it, it is an accident, and the insurance company can reimburse it.
I bought it for my parents, and even my house was insured. You can read these two articles:
Spend 300 yuan to insure the house
Spend 20,000 yuan to buy insurance
You can give it to them Two supplementary accident insurance.
Finally, don’t force yourself to forgive. Our goal is not to be a holy mother. If you are unhappy, you are unhappy. There is no need to pressure yourself with moral standards.
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