text/Jiang Pei
Dr. M's Troubles
Dr. M came to consult and told him about his Troubles. He felt that he was very outstanding, and now he was a master and doctoral student, and his studies, character and appearance were not bad. But what bothers him was that people who were much worse than him had girlfriends. Not only did he not have a girlfriend, he had never even been in a relationship. Although he will show full of confidence, his heart is full of doubts about himself.
learned in the following communication that he once confessed to a girl when he was reviewing for the postgraduate entrance examination in his senior year, but he was rejected and felt very embarrassed. Because the girl studied the postgraduate entrance examination with him and was often together, the classmates around her thoughts that they were very suitable, and being together was normal. He thought so, so he confessed to the girl, but was rejected by the other party.
From then on, although he had secretly liked a girl, he never confessed his love.
M Doctor
M has strong self-esteem and frequently said to himself, "You are so outstanding, but why have you never had a girlfriend? Are you outstanding?" The understanding gained from the conversation by Dr.
M I first asked Dr. M, what do you think is excellence? He said, I worked hard and my academic performance, class work, etc. were better than my peers. I continued to ask him, you are a smart person, what are so many examples around you telling you? ——Is there a necessary connection between any girlfriend and what you think is excellent or not?
He seemed to have noticed these facts that he had never noticed before, and couldn't help but shake his head. Dr.
M then said, but sometimes I feel that I am actually very inferior. I doubt what I call excellence, because if excellence cannot attract girls, am I still outstanding?
I asked him, is your purpose of excellence just to please girls?
He shook his head.
I said, the reason why you have such thoughts and confusion is because you have cognitively integrated whether a person is excellent and whether he has a girlfriend. For example, if you want to drink boiled water in your cup, I wrote a "pis" on your cup. Do you still dare to drink water in the cup now? Is it water or "piss" in your cup?
He said, of course it is still water.
I asked him, after writing this word, are you still very happy and happy to drink this glass of water?
He looked at the water cup in front of him, he hesitated a little.
I told him that this is cognitive fusion. Not good enough This understanding is like a label with the word "piss", which is attached to the "water cup" that was rejected for confession. If the two are integrated, if a person is not outstanding enough, he will be connected with him without a girlfriend. I want Dr. M to see that not being excellent may be a preset in his heart. The lack of a girlfriend is just an event that meets his preset in his heart.
M said thoughtfully, Teacher, I seem to understand. In fact, I may have always been inferior in my heart, but I didn’t want to admit it and had to face it. Until the incident of rejection of confession occurred, I found a reasonable reason to integrate my inner inferiority and rejection of confession, which gave me a realistic event that I could rely on. So, even after so long, I have been studying for a master's and doctoral degree in the first grade of doctoral degree. I think I am excellent on the surface, but I still haven't gotten out of my inner inferiority. It can even be said that because I found a reasonable reason, I have responsived and solidified my inner inferiority.
I nodded and said, your excellent personal qualities have been proven again in understanding and analyzing your own problems. It seems that there are some stories before this? Dr.
M said that when I was young, my family was poor and often had no money to buy new things. I was a younger child at home and had almost never bought new clothes. I always wore my brother's old clothes and used things they used. I am introverted and don’t like to talk, but I always feel that I am laughed at by my classmates at school. I remember that I was scolded by the physical education teacher several times in front of my classmates, and I felt very shameless.
Are you trying to say that your inner inferiority has left a foreshadowing when you were a child? I asked Dr. M.Dr.
M nodded and continued to tell me about his childhood experiences and feelings... Analysis of psychological distress of Dr.
M
Confession was rejected only to find an excuse and reason for Dr. M's long-term experience of inferiority complex, and the experience and feelings of being laughed at by classmates and being scolded by teachers in childhood are the source of strong inferiority complex. He chose a repressive and avoidable way of dealing with it, and never talked to anyone about his childhood experiences and experiences, and has always suppressed his negative feelings and turned a blind eye to it. However, all emotions need to be seen and accepted, and the more you suppress it and ignore it, the stronger it will become.
So for so many years, although Dr. M has been working tirelessly in his studies and has achieved various results, the negative experiences and feelings that are suppressed in his subconscious have not been faced and accepted, which has repeatedly entangled Dr. M's inner self-confidence and inferiority complex. When he happened to encounter the incident of confessing his love, Dr. M seemed to have found a suitable real event for his inferiority complex. The integration of understanding strengthened his inferiority complex, making him even more afraid to express his true feelings and emotions, because if he was rejected again, it would further strengthen his inner inferiority complex. With such a negative cycle, Dr. M is not only in a state of emotional shrinkage, but also begins to doubt his abilities and levels.
Get enlightenment from Dr. M’s case
Finding the real core problem is important for solving the problem. When Dr. M understands his real problem, clarifys everything that happens to him, dissociates whether a person is excellent and whether he has a girlfriend, and calmly accepts the negative experiences and feelings he experienced in childhood, he can transcend his inner inferiority and gain the courage to pursue love. In fact, each of us has an inferiority complex in our hearts. But as psychologist Adler said, we must see the power contained in inferiority and realize that it is precisely because of inferiority that we can transcend inferiority and pursue excellence.
The excellent standards in love are very subjective. " Book of Songs " begins with "A beautiful lady, a gentleman is a good match." When a boy is in his teens to his twenties, he loves girls and wants to pursue them and establishes intimate relationships with them. This is a very normal need and idea. However, there are many factors that determine whether a person will fall in love with another person, and this "excellent" is not the other "excellent". "Excellent" obviously does not necessarily play a decisive role. Otherwise, how much "excellent" among all living beings? Wouldn’t the vast majority of people be frivolous? Dr. M also understands that the standards of excellence in everyone’s heart are different, especially for love.
confession is rejected, it can also be a good thing. There are only one or two things that are not satisfactory in life. As time goes by and individuals grow, we will find that everything we want is not easy to come true. For love, it is valuable to meet the half you like, not to mention that you need to be willing, so it really takes time, place, and people to promote a good marriage. Dr. M realizes that being rejected for confession is the presentation of the other party’s true feelings. Not forcing one’s own feelings or not deceiving the other party’s feelings is actually the best respect for each other.
Conclusion
Whether you are resentful of the past or worrying about the future, it greatly consumes our inner energy. I sincerely hope that everyone can accept the past, let go of their obsessions, live in the present, and have peace of mind. Only in this way can we obtain true happiness and happiness.
Love is an art and an ability. It requires continuous learning in practice, enriching the art of your love, and increasing your love ability. Even emotional setbacks can make people grow and learn to love others and yourself better.
