For many women who are deeply trapped in the shadow of betrayal, why a third party cannot find a single person to start a relationship, rather than interfering in other people's families is also an insolvent mystery.
In many statements, third parties are portrayed as scheming and unrestrained images. In fact, in reality, they are not so scary at all.
More often, the third party just loses to the pathetic person who is weak and not worth paying attention to it.
For example, I have received a question from a woman like this.
She said that her original family was very unfortunate. She has never loved her since she was a child, and no one is good to her.
When I grew up, I met a man who treated her better than my family, but was a married man.
Under her confusion, she was already deeply trapped in it before she knew it.
This person also understood that he was not good at doing this, and asked hesitantly: Should I continue this relationship? But, he is really nice to me...
doesn't have to think about it, I have only one answer: shouldn't be .
Whether from the perspective of morality, altruism or selfishness, there are all kinds of harms but no benefits.
The "good" you are greedy for is nothing more than a poison to quench your thirst, and it cannot heal the trauma of your childhood.
The misfortune of the original family is not your fault, but if you choose to solve it by destroying other people's families, it is 100% your own problem.
I know you are probably unpleasant to listen to others' persuasion, but I should say that even if someone can get lost after reading it, it is worth it.
Next I will analyze two key issues for you:
① Why the cheating person’s “good to you” cannot be really “good to you”;
②How does the trauma from the original family make you step into the quagmire more easily.
01 The "good" of a cheating man is actually "bad"
The cheating man is not to you, but to anyone who is willing to commit to him.
This is the first thing you need to figure out.
The reason is very simple. If a married man is not willing to do anything for a third party even if he has any superficial skills, what capital does he have to attract a good girl to not talk about serious love, and take risks and complain about misunderstandings to mess with him?
I dare say that the "good to you" you say is nothing more than some sweet words, buying some bags of shoes and clothes, red envelopes during festivals and other small favors.
After all, if he does not take these sweets as bait, he will not be able to attract the opposite sex who is willing to ignore his married identity and many risks.
Assuming that you are aware of something and break up resolutely, he will 100% take back all the benefits of the past and turn around and look for the next prey, and will not show any mercy to you.
. Even if he shows all kinds of benefits, the only one who will be obsessed with you is a little girl like you who is not deeply involved in the world and lacks love in her heart.
Women of the same class as him, or girls who grew up bathing in love since childhood, know what is really good for themselves and will not eat this set at all.
He can only take advantage of your original family misfortune and don’t know what true love looks like.
When you truly love someone, you will unconsciously plan for him for the long term, hold it in your palm, and are reluctant to get involved in the slightest risk.
: What is the benefit of her if she asks someone to be a third party?
If you really "for her good", why don't you bury this love in your heart, restore your innocent singleness, and then pursue it with dignity?
is nothing more than that he is clear-headed and knows that divorce has suffered heavy losses to him.
Men are not fools, they also know the various risks of being a third party in terms of personal and reputation.
Don’t they know that if it is exposed, you can’t be a human being in your unit or in your interpersonal circle?
Don’t they understand that once you are discovered by your original wife, you may be scolded and beaten, and endure painful trauma?
A cheating man knows everything, but he is just too lazy to plan for you.
You have to think clearly that the misfortune of your original family can be told to others and you will get comfort from others.
can be a third party Once this mine is detonated, no one will sympathize with you, and will only suffer from the despise of everyone and endure the pain alone.
Do you think that the man who cheats in love will hug you and shelter you from the wind and rain? It's wrong, he is too late to comfort his original wife and destroy the fire in his family!
Secondly, from a legal perspective, all the benefits given by a cheating man are "lent" to you. As long as he figures out one day he joins hands with his original wife, you have to vomit out the principal and interests.
According to Chinese laws, after a man and a woman get married, the economic income of both of them is jointly owned by the couple, and neither of them has the right to transfer the property to a third party.
Once you two have a breakup and the husband and wife stand on the same position and use legal weapons to deal with you, you will be in trouble.
This is something that has actually happened.
The previous example is the famous economist Lang Xianping . When he was in a deep affection, he bought two houses for a third party, and other luxury goods and jewelry were no problem.
As time goes by, the two fell in love with each other, and the man and the third party had no friendly breakup. Lang Xianping filed a lawsuit against the other party and demanded the recovery of the couple's joint property.
This time, the third party not only had to return the house, but also almost carried a huge debt of 9 million yuan. If
is not enough, you can take a look at the example of Wu Xiubo .
After the breakup, the third party threatened privacy and wanted to get more compensation. As a result, Wu Xiubo simply called the police, claiming that the other party wanted to extort money.
If his accusation is implemented, the third party is likely to face years of prison, which is even more terrifying than not getting money.
In short, as long as a man is still bound by marriage, he has no right to "be good to you".
No matter what he gives you, as long as you are willing, you will be able to spit it out one day.
02 Low self-esteem level makes you fall in love with people who are not worthy
Your emotional misfortune is indeed related to the misfortune of your original family, but this does not mean that you should be willing to fall into depravity.
When you figure out why you are sinking into the mud and face up to the pain and anxiety in your heart, you will have the power to come out.
By then, you will deserve the love that is truly worthy of.
You must have single opposite sex around you, but why can't you pursue a better love with peace of mind, but you will get entangled with married men and sink into feelings that are destined to hurt you?
It all has to do with your low self-esteem level.
Self-esteem level means that you have a low self-esteem. As the name suggests, people with low self-esteem generally have negative views on their image. They always feel that they are not worthy of being liked, not good enough, and not worthy of a healthy intimate relationship.
It’s like you feel that your original family is unfortunate, that no one else will be nice to you, that you feel that you are only worthy of the little leftovers given by a married man.
So when he throws the bait, you don't hesitate to take the bait.
Even if you know that this is wrong, you understand that interfering in other people's families is immoral, and you vaguely guess that you will probably not end up in the end... You still can't extricate yourself from the quagmire.
Because you tend to be negative about yourself and always pay attention to the part of your flaws, those who sincerely like you and those who can see your shining points will not resonate with you and become close to you.
But those men who think you are not very good and plan to play with you casually have their opinions in line with your impression of yourself and make you feel that the other person understands you.
This is why low self-esteem people will be more likely to choose those who don’t love them enough and to invest in an unworthy relationship more easily.
. In this process of being hurt, the low self-esteem will further confirm that "I am not good enough, I will not be loved" , further reducing its self-esteem level, forming a vicious cycle in which constantly weakens itself.
As you already realize, children with low self-esteem levels usually grow up in a family where parents cannot give full love and acceptance.
Since childhood, what you get from your parents is more harsh demands or indifferent ignorance than love and respect.
Although you understand sexually that parents have nurturing themselves, and they cannot have no feelings for you at all, deep down you will still be lost because of their various actions.
Maybe you think that compared to you, they value another child more, you are just an extra accessory in the family;
Maybe you think that will only get attention when you do it well . Once you make your parents angry, this little love will disappear;
...
So, you are too eager for someone to treat you well and want to get love from others, so that you cannot distinguish it with a clear mind, and fall into the trap of cheating people.
I must point out that maybe you believe that getting unconditional love from someone else can heal you, but that's wrong.
The self-esteem and confidence built on the "good" and "love" given by others is like a house built on quicksand, with unstable foundations and risk of collapse at any time.
The sense of security and comfort of the inner spiritual world can only be provided to yourself.
When you fully recognize yourself, affirm yourself, and believe that you are worthy of the best life, you can completely improve your self-esteem level and love and accept yourself unconditionally.
Even if you are hurt, you will not be depressed; even if you meet someone bad, you will not completely deny yourself.
is like a ship sailing steadily among the waves of life, with the ability to sail in the direction of happiness.
People who are self-respecting and loving enough will not devote themselves to an immoral relationship just because someone who is not worthy of it temporarily "being good to you".
She will not be tempted because of small profits. When she falls in love with the other person, she wants more to share the valuable parts of her life than to ask for it: love, respect, understanding, optimism...
Just as Fromm said in "The Art of Love", "All people who have the ability to love others must also love themselves. In principle, love yourself and loving others are inseparable."
If you cannot love yourself, it will be difficult to attract people worthy of your love.
When you no longer want others to "be good to you", you can be freed from the shackles of the misfortune of your original family and your soul will truly shine.
You have the ability to be good to yourself and love yourself, then the misfortune in the past doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t matter whether the scumbag is good to you or not.
The love of a person for himself is the true unconditional love that heals everything.
