A letter from a reader said:
My husband and I fell in love freely and got married. My husband also has a younger brother who is the same age as me and three years younger than my husband. My husband and I are both civil servants, and my brother-in-law is a truck driver.
In the third year of my marriage and when our daughter was over one year old, my husband became seriously ill and died. This incident was a big blow to me and my parents-in-law.
In the three years since then, some people have proposed marriage to me, but I wanted to stay filial piety for my husband for three years, so I did not consider my own personal issues.
Now, my husband has left me for more than three years, and I have plans to reorganize my family. Therefore, I am also seriously looking for a partner to reorganize my family. During this period, my brother-in-law confessed his love to me. From a practical point of view, I am actually willing to start a new family with my brother-in-law. The advantages of my brother-in-law are: 1) We know each other better; 2) My brother-in-law is very good-looking; 3) If I reorganize a family with my brother-in-law, I am not worried about our The daughter will suffer (this is especially important); 4) The brother-in-law has no history of marriage before.
However, when my mother-in-law learned that my brother-in-law had a crush on me, her mother-in-law, who had urged me to consider remarrying in a few years, immediately changed her attitude: not only did she agree to my remarriage, but she also took the initiative to help me find a partner for remarriage. The implication: As long as I don't start a family with my brother-in-law, it's okay. Moreover, the words reveal that I am not worthy of my brother-in-law.
I am quite confident about my personal conditions: when I was in love with my husband, many boys pursued me; after my husband died of illness, there were still many boys pursuing me, including some who had no history of marriage. The main reason why I give priority to my brother-in-law is because I consider this matter from my daughter's perspective. At least my daughter is my brother-in-law's biological niece. After my brother-in-law and I reorganize our family, even if my brother-in-law and I have children of our own, my brother-in-law will not exclude my husband's and my daughter. I never expected that our marriage would be strongly opposed by my mother-in-law.
I think my brother-in-law and I are a good match. Why doesn’t my mother-in-law agree with us being together? What is she thinking?
Muzi Li Emotional Analysis:
Everyone has selfish motives. After your husband passed away, the reason why your mother-in-law did not want you to remarry early was because your daughter, her granddaughter, was still young and wanted you to Raise your daughter for a few more years and then think about your own feelings. When you and your husband got married, you should have had hardware such as a house. Your mother-in-law is afraid that if you remarry, these properties will be wasted. But your mother-in-law never expected that your brother-in-law would extend an olive branch to you. At this time, your mother-in-law changed her mind and not only agreed to your remarriage, but also proactively helped you find someone to reorganize your family. The reasons include: your mother-in-law may have I have feudal superstitions and think you are a bit cynical, otherwise your husband would have had a car accident, so she is not happy to let your brother-in-law reorganize your family with you, and is worried that your brother-in-law will eventually follow your husband's path; your mother-in-law may think that you Your brother-in-law has no history of marriage before, and you are a widowed woman with children, and you are determined that you are not worthy of your brother-in-law, so you will strongly oppose this marriage.
In my opinion, it is good for you and your brother-in-law to reorganize your family. You yourself have explained the advantages of your brother-in-law relatively clearly. However, you also need to understand another thing: a marriage is not a matter of two people, but a matter of two families. For this reason, your current attitude should be this: Tell your brother-in-law that you are very fond of him. As long as he can do a good job with his parents, you are willing to marry him. Otherwise, it will only be a case of fate and no fate. After all, you can't live too selfishly, and you also need to consider your parents' feelings. What's more, even if you force yourself to be together, without your parents' blessing, you may not be truly happy.
Sometimes, when we consider some things, we just look at the problem from our own standpoint and feel that some things actually don't matter, but not everyone thinks the same as you, so that some things don't matter to you. In some people's eyes, that's what it is.It's like: You think your personal conditions are pretty good, and you think you're more than good enough for your brother-in-law, but your mother-in-law doesn't think so. Maybe your mother-in-law has feudal superstitions, or your mother-in-law thinks that your brother-in-law should marry a woman who has no marriage history. When people have cognitive biases in treating the same thing, it is the main reason for conflicts.
In fact, you really don’t have to worry about getting married, because there are many men who are willing to start a family with you under the current situation, but you are also a mother after all, so when you choose the person to start a family with, you will naturally take your daughter’s feelings into consideration. For this reason, regarding the relationship between you and your brother-in-law, you should have an attitude: be willing to accept this relationship, but don't be obsessed with it. At this stage, your brother-in-law needs to work hard to convince your parents-in-law to accept this relationship. If your parents-in-law are strongly opposed to this marriage, you should choose a partner to reorganize your family from other men who have expressed love to you.
More often than not, people are praising the selflessness and beauty of love, but I have always felt that love is just the survival of the fittest after weighing the pros and cons. Because there are too many more practical things involved in deciding whether marriage can lead to a long life together. There are many shortcomings at the small link level that may lead to the disintegration of a relationship. For this reason, when choosing a marriage partner, at least find someone who doesn't dislike you. Although people's views on marriage and love will change with factors such as environment, age, social status, etc. during the process of marriage, you must not let yourself be too humble at the beginning of marriage, otherwise, the happiness index of similar marriages will often be particularly low. .
It is not enough just for two people to like each other to promote a marriage. During this period, it is also necessary to consider the two people's personalities, eating habits, life style, character, and whether the relationship can be recognized by both parents. I still feel that maintaining an evenly matched relationship in a relationship is a healthier state for two people to be together. Therefore, you must be more cautious and rigorous when choosing a marriage partner. It is not enough to rely solely on the appearance or family background of both parties. Regarding the development of the relationship between you and your brother-in-law, don't start hastily. If you can't get past your parents-in-law, withdrawing rationally may be the best ending.
Editor's postscript:
Emotions may only arise from the establishment of a love relationship when the appearance and family background are mutually satisfactory. As for whether this relationship can last long, two people still need to go through a running-in period of love. During this period, many people have tasted the taste of lovelorn, and will find that this relationship ultimately failed due to the incompatibility after in-depth understanding. For this reason, people should understand the principle of love: not two people who seem to be a good match will definitely lead to marriage.
Because people will have cognitive biases about the same thing, there will be some conflicts and frictions between people. Maybe both sides are not wrong, they just look at the problem from different perspectives. During this period, everyone should follow the principle: don't try to impose your own understanding on the other party. Maybe find a like-minded person, and many things will become relatively simple during the process of getting along.
(pictures from the Internet, pictures and texts have nothing to do with it)
