Text/Huaizuo
Some time ago, I wrote an article to explore the human world that our generation often hears, but many people don’t understand and are a little disgusted with.
I felt that I didn’t write it thoroughly last time, and readers often asked me related questions, so I will have another article today and talk about it.
Don’t be anxious to be disgusted or qualitative. We are always used to looking at problems from a black or white perspective. It’s great to like it, and if you don’t like it, you will be beaten to death with a blow. In addition, some people say that China is a human society, and the West completely talks about the rules. Strictly speaking, this is wrong.
Any society has rules and human feelings. The key is not having or not, but more and less. At the same time, we must look at a thing, and also its past development and evolution. The formation of social rules in has its cultural origin and comprehensive foundation. For us, we should not judge with our own simple understanding. This is the first step in objective understanding .
To give a very simple example, many people will be sad about the deterioration of some friendships and think that it was a good relationship before, but why did it suddenly change later? Friendship is also one of human emotions, and objectively speaking, it is also human feelings. It is inevitable to look at the emotions that have been developing and changing with a rigid perspective.
Do you still remember a story called "Caring Zhou Jue Jian"?
When many feelings cannot continue, there is always a saying, "The feeling has changed, it is different from before." You see, it feels that this thing is the most unreliable, and it comes and goes away in a flash. If feelings are based on feelings, it will inevitably be unreliable; if all understandings are based on feelings, they can only follow the crowd and make judgments based on emotions and feelings.
After all, the fundamental reason for human relationships is to what to do with . Even for people who hate the world, ask yourself, is it completely selfless to do things and interact with people? It's impossible, you have to make some things.
There are no people who don’t think of anything, and there should be, but very few.
So what we usually talk about is actually The exchange relationship between emotions and interests . Which of the two elements is more important, it still needs to be analyzed in different relationships in detail. Next, I will talk.
1. Don’t kill
Recently I read a collection of papers, which is very interesting, called "Mosaic: Social Network and Economic Action" (author: Mark Granovitt). In Classical Economics , it is assumed that human behavior is rational and selfish and rarely affected by social relations.
And this book is about people's actions, not purely rational or completely following their own ideas, and will be affected by social relations.
is actually easy to understand, let’s take it ourselves. When I applied for the college entrance examination, the family gave me a reference, which major was good for development and which major could make money in the future. You see, whether it is the help of a family or the specific professional development, it will be affected by social relations.
's final choice, is not entirely our own rational choice . There are many similar cases. Since childhood, elders will tell us what kind of person we want to become and who we want to make friends with; the big choices we have when we grow up will basically be influenced by our family and friends.
Everyone is embedded in real and working social relations. We cannot live on our own. Some people say that I don’t rely on anyone, I only rely on myself. This sounds exciting, but it was impossible from the beginning. How did you get born without relying on your parents? When I was a child, I didn’t have anyone to raise me, can you grow up? After that, how can you live without the help of people around you, the stability and harmony of society, and the improvement of market services?
people live in society. Don’t overestimate their individual abilities, and don’t ignore the impact of social relations on us.
. When living in society, when people deal with each other, they will involve specific communication laws. These laws are integrated, which is what we often call human relationships and worldly ways. So we must first fully understand that we should not even know the specific definition of human relationships and worldly affairs, and just rush to deny it.
Many young people hate human nature. In fact, what they hate is not the rules of communication as a whole, but the dining tables that elders often take him to, gifts that he is not good at or likes, and embarrassing scenes of dating strangers.
But be aware that these are only some scenes in the interaction, but not all. If we simplify the process, or generalize it with one stick, we will close ourselves early and shrink ourselves into a shell. When studying history, we all know that the Qing government was closed to the country and claimed to be the country of the Celestial Empire. It regarded Westerners as barbarians, but later it was still knocked out by strong ships and powerful cannons.
From the most basic point of view, if you are a student, you need to date roommates and classmates and teachers, right? When you are in love, you need to get along with your partner, right? Dealing with relatives at home and working with colleagues and leaders in society.
Dealing with, you must learn how to deal with, and at the same time you must understand the other party in order to create a good and harmonious relationship. And these, are all rules and human feelings.
If you only follow your own way and ignore others at all, then your relationship will definitely not be very harmonious. So some students will not get along with their roommates when they are in the dormitory, and their relationships are very stiff; they will not get along with their colleagues when they go out, and even a simple question can leave a bad impression on people.
doesn’t deny it first, just say whether you want to have a good relationship with people around you or whether you want to get things done smoothly.
We should all think about it, right? After all, we are not a hot commodity, and others will not revolve around us, understand the rules, and succeed in success, which is of great benefit to others and ourselves.
2. Relationships will change
In the second part of "Ordinary World", Tian Fujun was directly promoted to the administrative commissioner of the Huangyuan region, and in fact, he is the mayor of the prefecture-level city. The change in identity directly brought about a change in the relationship and attitude of his previous colleagues.
used to hate his superiors, but now he has become his deputy, and he takes the initiative to "give" to him, and says that he will cooperate with his work well in the future; he did not obey his subordinates, actively helped him move, and took the time to apologize to him, saying that he had been stumbling on his past, hoping that he would forgive him; he didn't like him, wanted to squeeze out his leader, and treated him three-point courtesy; he was not familiar with cadres, so he would come to him with nothing to do...
Tian Fujun's heart was mixed, and the people he had worked against him before were afraid and trepidated, and actively looked for opportunities to repair his relationship. We have heard of these scenes and seen them, and may also hate them, and think that there are so many snobbish people in the world.
Moral judgment is meaningless, it is not easy for everyone to make a living.
Let’s think about a detailed node: What are their ways and purpose of patching relationships?
is also very obvious:
"way" to build relationships, talk about feelings
"purpose" to get more benefits, which is what I just said, "Just make a living."
merged into: They hope to get more benefits by bringing the relationship closer.
Return to the common human interaction model for us Chinese. Generally speaking, is emotional communication on the surface, but essentially interest exchange .
It would be clear if the scene was changed. If Tian Fujun did not become the mayor, he was indeed suppressed and arranged to an unimportant department, would the scene in the book appear? Definitely not. On the contrary, some relationships that looked pretty good in the same position may also be broken.
people walk away and the tea is cold, and it is cold very quickly.Imagine again, if he was suppressed for a period of time, the leader with good relationship with him took real power and transferred him to the next level. The relationship that had been cold before immediately recovered and more relationships were obtained.
is very realistic, right? Yes, that's it. Many times people value you, but the position and resources behind you. is definitely not an ordinary person who can withstand such ups and downs. For ordinary people, a colleague may feel so uncomfortable when he says a few bad things about him behind his back and then passes it into his ears. This is also normal. A person who stays in a greenhouse all year round and a person who experiences ups and downs all year round have different mentality, cunning, energy and control over life.
Contact us. When we were young, it was easy for everyone to make friends. Even if there was a conflict, it would be fine after a while. The relationship at that time was basically based on feelings likes and dislikes. When you grow up, you may feel that the world has become more complicated and the human heart has become reality.
In fact, the world is always like this, is just that we were too young before and could not fully participate in society.
Many people who are studying for graduate school will have a feeling that when they were undergraduates, they felt that everyone had a good relationship and could play with their roommates every day in and after class, but after studying for graduate school, they felt that everything had changed. Even those in the same dormitory and major, their previous communications were much weaker.
Age is getting older, people's socialization is deepening, and their future design is different from before, so the communication patterns between people will naturally change.
Back to the beginning, many people were confused: Why did a good friend in the past become weaker?
should be understandable now. used to be small, only looked at feelings, but later it became bigger and considered more, it was that simple.
3. Different characteristics of different relationships
What are the relationships? With us as the center, we can simply divide it into three levels: the first layer of
, and the most recent, is relatives , including family and relatives;
second layer, is friends , including friends or people who are very close to each other;
third layer, is the person you know , , and is also familiar with friends, but not familiar with friends.
If you don’t understand it very much, please see the soul painting below:
The first layer of relationship, relatives, let’s think about it together.
is maintained by blood ties and high-frequency movements, focusing on feelings, limited to a very small circle, talking about collectivism, cooperation, mutual help, and the relationship between people is relatively close.
Interest exchange is also about , but it is not allowed to be placed on the surface. If you care too much about your personal interests, you will be criticized in the circle of relatives. So in "Ordinary World", Sun Shaoping returned to the village to be a teacher, which is indeed very good, but you should still be low-key and humble, because in traditional rural areas, especially in the family, you must abide by the seniority and inferiority of the elders and young people and not express yourself too much.
This relationship can give people great warmth and protection, but everything can be viewed in two parts. The circle is small, closed, has high requirements for people, oppose individualism, and strict constraints, which will naturally bring depression.
At the same time, this circle does not have obvious and strict rules, but people participate the most and most frequently. The cost of trust among people is extremely low, and the subsequent cost of service is also extremely low. Of course, it is limited to small circles and cannot be promoted on a large scale.
The second layer of relationships, friends and people with close relationships. The relationship between
looks complicated, but it is actually not complicated either. It seems that it is not the case if you only talk about interests. You obviously have feelings; it seems that it is not right if you only talk about feelings. In fact, when you are dating friends, you still want to do something. Therefore, the relationship of includes both emotional relationship characteristics and interest exchange.
Compared with relatives, although friend relationships also have strong emotional attributes, please note that because there are also a large number of interest exchange relationships, emotions will change with the change of interest exchange value . In the past, everyone was together every day, lively, warm and helpful to each other, and the relationship could reach its maximum. Later, when the world is not in the same circle, without a common life and being unable to warm each other, many people will get separated, which is normal. Of course, there are also a small number of people who can still contact each other after they are separated, but they also need to be maintained continuously. At the same time, they must be like-minded and can warm each other. Compared with the general relationship, friends also talk about exchange of interests, but because there is emotional bonus, the exchange of interests is not directly placed on the table and safely acts according to the rules. Instead, they take affection as face and profit as the inner, and the two lines go hand in hand. Sometimes it feels sticky when dating, you know.
favor account book in the heart , you can know the storage and withdrawal of emotions in your heart.
The third layer relationship is the person you know.
The layer has the widest range of relationships, and everyone follows the moral norms and exchange principles in the general sense. This exchange can be an exchange of interests or a relationship exchange. At the same time, when interacting with people you know, the principles of communication can be placed on the surface, you can help me and I can help you; if you provide services to me, I will pay you, be fair, and make the accounts clear. The relationship between
is the most exposed to when you live in the city. Under a large-scale trust relationship, everyone has various exchanges every day, including me and I, which is convenient for each other.
After we figured out these things, and looking back, the relationship became clear:
1. The relationship between relatives is close and firm, which can provide warmth, but it will also be restrained;
2. Friendship between friends is staged, and it will also be linked to gains and losses. We must look at problems from a developmental perspective;
3. People you know, talk about rules, fairness, trust, and exchange.
"Afterword"
The maturity and accumulation of wisdom of people is actually the process of gradually increasing rationality and slowly seeing the original appearance of things.
Fortunately, countless predecessors and theorists have already conducted in-depth research on various things. What we need to do is to continue to learn, practice in depth, and continuously improve ourselves in life.
