From today on, I officially join the ranks of copying books and clocking in. If you are interested in family education, you can follow me. I will continue to bring you dry information on family education, so that we can learn and grow together. This is my income chart yesterday.

Starting from today, I officially join the ranks of copying books and clocking in. If you are interested in family education, you can follow me. I will continue to bring you dry information on family education, so that we can learn and grow together.

This is my income chart yesterday. From now on, I will take screenshots of the previous day's income chart every day. I hope to leave the footprints of my growth under the witness of my friends. I also hope that everyone will support me and encourage me!

The first book I copied today is "Child, Give Me Your Hand", which is a best-selling classic child-raising book in the world. It has been translated into 31 languages ​​and has sold more than 5 million copies in the United States. This book has a lot of useful information and is highly practical. It can improve the way we communicate with our children and achieve a good parent-child relationship.

The author of this book is Haim G. Ginot, Ph.D. in psychology, clinical psychologist, child psychologist, child therapy expert, parent education expert, pediatrician, adjunct psychology professor at New York University Graduate School, AI Postdoctoral fellow in at Delphi University.

Dr. Ginott died young at the age of 51. But in his short life, he devoted himself to the study of child psychology and the education of parents and teachers.

What we are studying together today is the first chapter of this book, Communication Code: Dialogue between Parents and Children

1. Interpret children’s problems and be their close friends

Curiosity is a child’s nature, and there are countless things hidden in the child’s head The problem. But when children ask us questions, can our answers really satisfy them? Sometimes, what we think is the right answer is actually not what our children want.

Children's problems often hide the worries, worries, anger, disappointment, and sadness behind them.

Scene 1: Lele, who was in the third grade of primary school, came home from school. She asked her mother with a sad face: Why do some parents get divorced?

Mom was stunned for a moment, but she still explained to Lele: "Divorce is a matter for adults. Mom and dad will divorce, maybe because their personalities are incompatible."

After hearing this, Lele said angrily: "Mom and dad Good or bad." After hearing this, her mother said a little unhappily: "Why does this mean that mom and dad are bad?"

Unexpectedly, Lele suddenly started crying, and she said while crying, "Mom and dad are bad. "Then he ran into the room and closed the door, leaving his mother with a puzzled face.

In fact, this mother did not understand the reason behind the child's question. Lele didn't really want to ask her parents why they divorced. But she was worried that her parents would divorce and abandon her.

If Lele’s mother understands Lele’s question, what she has to do is: eliminate her child’s worries.

She can say to Lele like this: "Are you worried that your parents will divorce and abandon you? I promise you that your parents will never abandon you."

I believe this is the most important thing for Lele. Satisfactory answer.

Scene 2: Xiao Ming’s mother went to school to pick Xiao Ming up from school. After seeing her mother, Xiao Ming burst into tears. While crying, he said that he had agreed to go on a spring outing this Saturday, but now the teacher said it would rain that day. Spring outing canceled.

After hearing this, his mother said angrily and funny: "It's going to rain, what can I do? I can't go this Saturday, there will be another time."

Xiao Ming cried louder, and he said: "I don't, I I just want to go."

's mother said angrily: "Don't be unreasonable and cry over such a trivial matter. What a man! I will still go after telling you, why are you crying?"

Xiao Ming After hearing this, he turned his head to the side in anger and ignored his mother again.

Actually, when Xiao Ming first started crying to his mother, her mother should have understood that Xiao Ming was worried and disappointed that he could not go to the spring outing. All his mother has to do is understand his troubles, and then tell Xiao Ming how he feels.

Mom can say this: "Oh, it's really disappointing that I can't go to the spring outing."

When children feel understood, their negative emotions will decrease; when children are understood, their love for their parents will deepen.

However, most parents always want to convince their children and want their children to know their Complaining is useless, their ideas are wrong. As everyone knows, parents will only increase arguments and anger.

Therefore, understanding the meaning behind the child's problem and expressing the child's feelings to the child will make it easier. When a child feels that his parents understand him best, the parent-child relationship will naturally be harmonious.

2. Effective communication: Focus on feelings rather than behavior.

Most parents always feel that their children are still young and have no life experience, so they treat their children when they encounter problems. Constant preaching and criticism. In fact, this kind of ineffective dialogue will only make children feel distant and resentful towards their parents.

When Chenchen returned home, she threw her schoolbag heavily and said to her mother angrily: “I hate teachers and don’t want to go to school. "

Mom asked why? Chenchen said: "I forgot to bring my homework, and the teacher said I didn't do my homework and said I was lying. "

's mother said: "Who told you to be careless all day long? If you brought your homework book, would the teacher say you didn't do your homework? Do you still blame the teacher? ! "

Chenchen shouted at her mother: "I hate you too. "

If the mother answers in another way: "Oh, you didn't bring your homework, and the teacher said you didn't do your homework and said you lied. No wonder you are so angry. "

Here, the mother did not make any comments, nor did she ask questions, nor did she preach. She knew that if she wanted to help Chenchen eliminate his anger, she had to talk to him with understanding and sympathy.

When a child is in a strong emotional state When children are in a state of calm, they can't listen to anyone's words, so what we have to do is to help children eliminate negative emotions and then correct their behavior. Only when children are in a calm state can they think correctly and then act. Make the right move.

Things may be right or wrong, but there is no right or wrong feeling. What we have to do is to listen to the child attentively, respect the child's feelings, and acknowledge his thoughts. Only through this kind of effective communication can we help the child understand.

3. Principles of conversation: understanding and resonance

Scenario 1: It is difficult for a child to speak Chinese to his father.

A father answered this way: You should listen carefully in class, complete your homework carefully after class, and read more extracurricular books. Chinese won’t be difficult.

Another dad responded like this: You are so stupid (you don’t work hard), anything you learn is difficult for you.

Another dad responded like this: I know some subjects are. It is very difficult. You must be worried about not doing well in the Chinese test, but we believe you will try your best.

The first two parents, superficial guidance and direct slander will hurt the child's self-esteem and reduce the child's self-confidence.

The last one. From the perspective of understanding, what a parent says is easy to resonate with the child, and he also puts forward specific expectations for the child, so that he can help the child grow.

Scenario 2: The child tells the parent "I am stupid"

Some parents. He would hate Tie Bucheng and say: "You yourself say you are stupid, then you are definitely hopeless. "

Some parents want to improve their children's self-confidence and will say: "You are not stupid, I think you are very smart." ”

In fact, both of these answers are undesirable.

When a child has a low evaluation of himself, our simple agreement or disapproval will not help the child. Instead, it will affirm his opinion of himself.

What can we do at this time? Yes, it means telling the child that we not only understand his feelings, but also understand his special hints. We can answer like this: Do you really think so? Don’t you think you are smart?

Child: No.

Parent: Then. You must be very sad.

Child: Well.

Parent: In school, you must be very worried about failing the exam. When the teacher asks you to answer questions, you must be so scared. You are worried that the teacher will criticize you and your classmates will laugh at you. you.I think it might be the scene where everyone laughs at you and makes you feel stupid, right?

The child may tell you some of his experiences at this time.

At this time, parents can say this: Child, in my eyes you are excellent. It's just that you have a different perspective.

Such a dialogue may not make the child change his opinion immediately, but he will not believe that he is really that stupid, and he will work hard, hoping to live up to his parents' trust, and eventually he will discover his own advantages. .

When children make self-evaluations, parents usually should not just simply agree or disagree, but should use specific details to express an understanding that exceeds their children's expectations.

What children need is understanding, not preaching. When we look in the mirror, we just want to see our true appearance in the mirror. If there is dirt on our face, we will wash it ourselves without the mirror telling us what to do.

When children talk to us, what we say is like a mirror. We only need to understand his feelings and then express the children's feelings. This will help them understand what they think, and then the children will modify and change spontaneously. .

Okay, that’s all for this chapter. Now let's briefly summarize:

1. Parents should understand the meaning behind their children's questions. What they want may not be the answer to the question itself, but a desire for peace of mind.

Communicate effectively: Refuse to preach and criticize. Many communication tragedies are not due to lack of love, but lack of mutual respect, not lack of intelligence, but lack of skills.

Principle of conversation: understand the child's feelings and express the child's feelings. For a child, knowing what he thinks is far more important than knowing why he thinks the way he does.

OK, that’s the end of this chapter. Thank you for taking the time to read it. If there is a sentence in it that touches you, I will be very happy.

Tomorrow's content preview: 1. Better praise than "You are great"; 2. What should I do if my child is angry? 3. Should parents get angry at their children?