Help him grow, wise love: influence (1)
· Discover the secret of influence: he will change because of you
At the beginning of this book, I said that in the first two years of my marriage, I couldn't accept it. My wife often forgets things and often criticizes and accuses her. As a result, in the first two years of marriage, this characteristic of hers not only did not disappear, but became more and more serious.
But when I started to allow her this characteristic, no longer pick on her, and pretended not to see her forgetting things, the frequency of her forgetting things began to decrease. Two months later, she barely forgot. Today, ten years later, she rarely forgets things. On the contrary, I sometimes find that I don’t have my mobile phone or keys with me when I go out.
My current job started from this discovery, and what I discovered back then was the mystery of influence. What is the impact of
?
The environment in which a person lives will have a subtle effect on people. Everyone will be affected by this effect and slowly change. In China, "Those who are close to ink will be black, and those who are close to Zhu will be red" and "Meng Mu" This is what "Three Moves" means.
Mencius When he was young, his father passed away early, and his mother observed the festival and did not remarry.
In the beginning, they lived next to the cemetery. Mencius and the neighbor's children imitated the way adults kneeled down and cried, and played the game of funeral arrangements. Mother Meng saw it and frowned: "No! I can't let my children live here!" Mother Meng took Mencius to live in the market, near the place where pigs and sheep were killed.
When he arrived at the market, Mencius and the neighbor's children learned how merchants did business and butchered pigs and sheep. Meng's mother knew this and frowned again: "This place is not suitable for my children to live either!" So they moved again. This time, they moved near the school.
At this time of the first day of the lunar calendar every month, officials would go to the Confucian Temple , bow down, and treat each other politely. Mencius learned to remember this after seeing them. Mother Meng nodded with satisfaction and said: "This is the place where my son should live!"
Later, people used "Meng Mu Sanqian" to mean that people should be close to good people, things and things. Only then can you learn good habits!
Meng’s mother was a great mother and a wise mother. She understood the impact of the environment on people. Without her "three moves", perhaps there would be no Mencius as we know it today, and perhaps we would not have known about it at all. The existence of Mencius.
Psychologists once conducted a study on children's imitation, asking some children to observe the scene of adults attacking toy dolls. It was found that compared with those children who had not seen this scene, these children who had seen adults attacking toy dolls were more likely to The children quickly displayed aggressive behavior in subsequent sessions.
This is also a typical influence of the environment on people, so many people will also use this experience when looking for a partner. Some women will avoid men who grew up in families with domestic violence. And some men also have this belief: When looking for a wife, you should see your mother-in-law, because the mother-in-law has a great influence on your daughter. These are all because people know that the environment affects people.
Psychological research has also found that people are more likely to smoke if they are with smokers; if they are with people who like sports, they will also be more likely to like sports; of course, if they are with people who gamble, they will also be more likely to gamble.
So, as a husband and wife, do they also interact with each other?
Of course, yes, the husband is his wife’s environment, and the wife is also her husband’s environment.
Whether it is a husband or a wife, changes will occur in the marriage relationship, and they will change because they are with their current lover. You may become more and more positive and happy; you may also become negative, dull, and resentful.
Moreover, living with different people will cause different changes.
Some people say: "Women are a school!" They are talking about the fact that women can influence men. A man will be different because he is with different women.In fact, men are also a school, because men also affect women. A woman who lives with different men will become a different woman.
Where I used to live, there was a woman among my neighbors who understood this very well. When we go to her house for dinner, she will say in front of us and her husband: "My husband is a master at cooking braised fish . You are lucky today. My husband is at home." This makes her husband feel embarrassed. Instead of going to the kitchen to cook fish, when her husband went to the kitchen to cook fish, she chatted with us in the living room. During this period, she deliberately told us: "When the fish comes later, you must say it is delicious! This way he will be more confident in cooking in the future!" "
When the fish came, we kept saying: "Today's braised fish was really delicious."
As a result, her husband's cooking skills are getting better and better, and it is often when her husband is busy in the kitchen. While cooking happily, she chatted and watched TV with the guests in the living room.
Whether it’s because she doesn’t want to cook or because of something else, she is a person who knows how to influence her husband. Because of this, her husband's cooking skills are getting better and better, and he often cooks at home.
This is her positive influence on her husband's cooking. In fact, if her husband cooks fish and she doesn't say anything, it will also have an impact on her husband's cooking, which is his assessment of his own cooking skills. My confidence would not be as high as it is now, and my desire to cook would not be as strong.
This means that no matter what she does, it will have an impact on her husband, but the impact may be positive or negative.
Let's change their roles. When the wife is cooking, the husband often encourages or says nothing, which will also have an impact on the wife's enthusiasm for cooking.
Some people say that if you truly love your lover, don't change him. Yes, I agree with that, but don't try to change your partner, it doesn't mean he won't change. Because as long as he lives with you, no matter whether you subjectively want to change him or not, he will change, because he will be affected by you and change because of you.
The secret of influence is that since it will change no matter what, and it may get better or worse, then, what do you do to make it get better and better? Here's what you want to think about and what to do in the future.
A person with strong energy can not only influence his lover and children, but also his brothers and sisters, parents, relatives, friends and colleagues, who will all become happier, more mature and complete because of his existence! The premise of
influence is permission, and the premise of change is that
is not allowed to influence and change. The purpose is to hope that the other party will undergo some changes and become better and better, and they all hope that the other party will grow. But influence and change are very different. Not only are the effects very different, but the prerequisites are also different. The premise of
's influence is permission, which means allowing the other party to temporarily do something bad and let him change slowly. But change is different. Change means not allowing the other party's current practices and hoping that the other party will change immediately.
I have received calls from several women who asked me for help for almost the same thing:
Newlyweds, husbands and wives have different living habits. My wife has the habit of going to bed early and getting up early, but my husband does not. He has developed the habit of going to bed late and getting up late all year round. He even stays up until two or three in the morning on weekend nights and does not get up at all in the morning and sleeps until noon.
My husband doesn't sleep at night, either playing games or watching TV, which directly affects the newlywed wife's rest. The wife is very distressed. Communication with her husband seems to have some effect, but she cannot achieve the early bedtime and early rise she wants. She was distressed by this, and it also affected her good feelings about her newlywed life.
However, the husband's long-term habit of watching TV and playing games to kill time and get rid of loneliness before marriage did not change immediately after getting married. They were not used to going to bed early and getting up early.
As a wife, if she wants to change her husband, she will communicate with them. When the communication effect is limited, some will make a noise with the other party, and some will simply lock the bedroom door and prevent him from entering the bedroom again. This is not allowed. practice. This may cause emotional problems to arise immediately between the newlyweds, affecting the quality and foundation of the marriage.
Because in the husband's mind, the lifestyle habits he has formed over the years have been rejected by his wife just after getting married. He may also feel resentful and feel that his wife does not accept him and wants to change herself, so he may resist. In this case, even if he thinks that going to bed early and getting up early is good for his health, he may not be willing to change because he doesn't want to be controlled by his wife and lose the freedom to be himself. For him to go to bed late is no longer a problem of sleep itself, but a problem of whether he wants to fight for his right to go to bed late by going to bed late.
These habits of my husband are not formed in a day, but are formed by living alone for a long time. Changing them also requires a process. If the wife allows this process to exist, she will not be so anxious. If she is not anxious, she will not be noisy or troubled, and the impact on the quality of life of the newlyweds will be very small.
Then in the process, I slowly persuaded my husband and even coaxed him to go to bed early. When your husband goes to bed early and uses the method of expressing his feelings in a timely manner to reinforce it, he may gradually develop the habit of going to bed early and getting up early.
Actually, this scene has been going on between my wife and me for many years.
A few years ago, if my wife was tired during the day, she would go to bed early to get a good rest. And I'm tired but can't sleep. I usually need to watch TV, let myself be dazed for a while, or divert my attention to get a good rest.
But she couldn't accept my approach and often argued with me about it. I also felt very wronged. I felt that I had no space, and I no longer even had the right to watch TV.
But slowly she seemed to accept this characteristic of mine, stopped talking about me, and went to sleep first, and she allowed me.
As time went by, I found other ways to relieve stress, such as running and fishing, and I unconsciously went to bed earlier. The current situation is that I often go to bed early, but she often sits on the sofa watching TV until midnight holding the remote control.
I have had this personal experience. I told the female practitioner who called me to give her husband a transformation process, instead of asking him to change immediately, as he would not be able to bear it.
Usually after talking on the phone about this matter, we talk on the phone again after a period of time. They all tell me that their husbands no longer stay up late and go to bed earlier than before. Basically, they also go to bed later than before. , both of them made some compromises, and the couple's work and rest time were basically unified.
This is permission, allowing the other person to have a process of transformation or growth, because growth is always a process, not a temporary thing. Since you love each other, you must be patient with the other person and wait patiently for him to grow, just like parents wait patiently for their children. Same as growing up.
Therefore, if you want to influence your lover, don't be anxious first, allow him to be what he is before you, let him change slowly while enjoying life happily, and allow him to have this intermediate process.
The change gives the other party a negative feeling, while the influence gives the other party a positive feeling.
A husband said to his wife: "You never put on makeup, dress yourself up, or do beauty treatments. I don't know what you think? How can I A woman like you! "
What is the purpose of my husband's words? Of course, I hope that my wife can put on makeup, do some beauty treatments, and dress herself up. I hope that my wife can make some changes, but as a wife, what might she think?
Many women may think like this: "I didn't put on makeup, dress myself up, or do beauty treatments before. Why are you still pursuing me? Now you dislike me. I've always been like this. I've never been like this." If you have changed, you must not like me anymore. "
Yes, women feel uncomfortable and may hear different voices and have different thoughts. This is very simple. This is because the husband uses methods to change his wife, not to influence her.
Changes and impacts are very different in how they feel to the other party. The changed approach gives the other party the feeling of being denied. It denies the other party's current practice and hopes that the other party will change their approach. This is a problem. You know, many people can't stand being denied. When you want to make the other person change by denying him, his attention will stay on your negation of him, because this is unacceptable to him.
Just like in this case, the husband wants his wife to put on makeup, beautify herself, and dress herself up. The underlying need may be that he hopes his wife will always be young and beautiful, but because the method of change is used, the wife feels denied and cannot accept it. In this way, not only will the husband's purpose not be achieved, it will even destroy the relationship between the couple.
This is the characteristic of change, which is equivalent to telling the other party: "What you are doing is wrong, you have to do that!" It negates what the other party is currently doing.
If we apply it to the previous case of my neighbor's husband cooking fish, it would be like this:
After the wife saw the fish her husband cooked, she realized that there might be too much salt, so she said to her husband: "Can you cook? , you beat the salt seller to death!"
When the husband heard his wife talking about the fish he cooked in public, he may have immediately retorted: "Then show me how to cook it next time!" As a result, not only did the husband's enthusiasm for cooking become It was such a shock and my husband felt embarrassed in front of us.
As far as the husband wants his wife to put on makeup, beautify herself, and dress herself up, the influence is to tell the wife: "I really like how you feel after putting on makeup!" or "You should also go for beauty treatments when you have time, so that you can always look beautiful!" "Or "Last time you tried on that dress in the mall, I felt it suited your temperament very well. I'll buy more clothes of that style with you when I have time!"
said without denying, confirming his wife's current situation. It is beautiful, and beauty is just because I like my wife to always be so beautiful. These words will not arouse my wife's disgust, and of course they will be more likely to affect my wife.
The woman from my neighbor’s house treated her husband like this. Let’s praise her husband for the delicious fish. As a result, the fish cooked by her husband became more and more delicious. This gave the other party a feeling of being affirmed. This is impact, which is very different from change.
Here are two criteria for a qualified lover:
Many people hope that their lover will grow, but no matter whether they feel comfortable or not, it is actually a change, which often fails to achieve the goal. Or even if your lover has grown, the relationship has been damaged. Therefore, some people will find that they have grown a lot after divorce, but the growth process is very painful.
Just be comfortable, no matter whether you grow or not, it actually feels like doting, just like doting on a child, doting on your lover is not conducive to the growth of your lover. A qualified lover is one who can do both, allowing the lover to grow in comfort.
The influence on the other party is not noticeable, and the change makes the other party very painful.
There is another big difference between influence and change. That is, influencing the other party is a subtle process, and the other party is almost imperceptible. When changing the other party, because you have to first Deny the other party, so the other party can feel it deeply and suffer from it.
is like the husband who went to the kitchen to cook fish. Under the careful "influence" of his wife, his fish cooking skills improved unknowingly, and he did not notice all this.
The premise of influence is to allow the other person, accept the other person, and not deny the other person. In this way, he will adapt to this new environment composed of the two of you. When you do something to deliberately make the other person change, he will adapt to it. Nothing to feel.
This is the same as when we were young and our bodies grew. We grow every day, but because we grow slowly and not overnight, we do not realize that we are growing every day.
Changing the other party is different, because to change the other party is to deny the other party first and immediately hope that the other party will change, which is not allowed or accepted. Therefore, the other party will be painful and even refuse to change.
It's like when our body is not tall enough, adults tell us, you are too short now, you need to grow taller now, and then use external force to stretch us, which will be very painful and even life-threatening. We all know that it is not advisable to "reinforce a child's growth", and of course people will not treat their children's height in this way. But when facing our lover, we often do this, hoping that the other person will grow taller overnight, and the other person will suffer from it.
There is a story that illustrates the beauty of influence. There is an old man. There is a road in front of his residence. A group of children often come to play. When the children are playing, they make a lot of noise, which affects the quiet people. elder.
In order to solve this problem, one day, the old man said to the children: "I found that you are really lively. Let's see who is more lively. You play and make noise as much as you like. I will see who is the liveliest and loudest. Then I will reward him with ten candies."
When the children heard what the old man said, they were so happy that they began to play and make noise with all their strength. The old man picked out the liveliest child every time. Reward ten candies.
After a while, the old man reduced the number of candies rewarded to eight. The children still competed to see who was more noisy, but their enthusiasm was not as high as before.
After a while, the old man reduced the number of candies rewarded to five, and the children became even less enthusiastic.
After some time, the old man reduced the number of candies rewarded to three. The children became dissatisfied and had almost no enthusiasm for the competition.
Finally, the old man stopped rewarding candies, and the children were unwilling and said, "Huh, this old man is starting to be stingy. We stopped playing in front of his house and didn't let him watch us play."
As a result, the children left together. , changed the place where they played, and the old man was no longer allowed to watch them playing, and the old man could take a nap quietly.
