Store Manager, I grew up being protected by my parents. I feel that it is easy for me to feel uncomfortable for a long time because of a small thing. For example, the scrutinizing looks from strangers, inappropriate jokes from friends, or the neglect and criticism from teachers would make me unhappy all day long, and I would even break down and cry after I got home. Now a quasi-college student, I am facing the challenge of leaving home and facing many things on my own. I want to know how I can improve my mental endurance and overcome my glassy heart?
Speak out your glass heart and seek help, and you have completed the first and crucial step in overcoming it. Regarding the topic of glass heart, we have received many messages from Tangwaner, who all want to understand the glass heart and overcome it. We will use the following books "Fear", "Safety" and "Tools". Let's get started!
1 Fear tells us that the heart is fragile
Where does our glass heart come from? Let’s first find the source of the glass heart. What makes us so easily heartbroken, what makes us so nervous, and what makes this sugar-coated child seem to worry about possible dangers in the future before he begins to imagine a fresh and free college life after becoming a prospective college student?
Here I recommend a book "Fear". It talks about the current cultural environment that spreads anxiety and creates fear, and also mentions the psychological impact of this situation on us. The book says, In the perspective of fear, people are taught from a very young age to pay close attention to their own safety, and to regard fear as a rational and responsible attitude towards life, making fear become a normal state.
You can think about it, having mood swings is dangerous, so can our hearts not be fragile? From the perspective of fear, everything is dangerous. A strange campus, strange teachers, and strange classmates may bring dangers, so you need to be vigilant at all times. How can you experience college life easily under such intense pressure? Every second seems to be walking on the edge of a cliff, and every minute may collapse. In addition to the situation where the family does not provide us with a sense of security, when we lack a sense of security, it is easy to fall into fear.
As this Tangwaner said, his parents have given him a lot of protection, but why is he still so glass-hearted? In fact, parents' protection is also conveying information and their emotions to their children. For example, parents who are overprotective send the message that the outside world is unsafe and they do not believe that their children can handle it, so parents must protect them. The child will gradually and subtly think that he cannot protect himself alone and that he has no way to live independently.
Another example is that some parents do not let their children take care of conflicts in housework, finances and interpersonal relationships, so that children can only feel the uneasy atmosphere at home, but have no idea what is really going on. I remember that when I was a child, I was particularly looking forward to participating in family decisions. For example, my dad had a disagreement with his superior, my mom had an quarrel with her best friend, where should we buy a house, etc. I wanted to express my thoughts. But they all told me "I'm still young" and let me play by myself. This kind of education method deprives children of their right to grow and be independent.
There are also some protections that break the boundaries of children's privacy. For example, telling children that they cannot make friends with poor grades, cannot play with the opposite sex, read the child's diary or mobile phone, and hope to install cameras in the classroom, these behaviors convey the message that they do not trust the school, teachers, the child's peers, and even the child's own ideas and abilities. This can make them nervous and anxious. Things that parents are nervous about will only make the child feel more afraid, and that fear becomes the child's daily life.
Another situation is that parents like to complain to their children about their lives and use this method to vent their emotions.Emphasize how hard it is to make money on your own, the work environment is full of intrigue, and how hard it is for me to raise you. This will also cause children to start to see the world from a fearful perspective, and they may also feel guilty and self-blame. It is difficult to create a sense of security in such a home.
I feel so suffocated just talking about it. seems to be over-protection, but in fact it deprives growth and restricts freedom. If independence is not cultivated, the heart will naturally be like glass and cannot be touched.
So to summarize the origin of the glass heart, Parents who feel anxious and fearful can easily pass on their own anxiety and fear to their children. When children grow up in fear and see the world from a fearful perspective, they will feel that the surroundings are full of danger. As a result, they lack the experience and independence to face the real world, and will be more sensitive to their own inner fragility.
2 Find the safe zone
How to get out of this fear perspective? This sugar pill mentioned improving mental endurance. When your heart is strong, the things you worry about will become less scary; you will be fully mentally prepared, so you will be more confident when facing a new environment alone. But I have to say regretfully and realistically that we will never be able to fully prepare for the future and guarantee that we can be absolutely safe.
The book "Security" says this. Many people think that if I am richer, more powerful, smarter, and better-looking, then I will be safe. But safety does not bring a sense of security, and safety can be lost at any time. Our mental endurance is like a muscle, and the pressure in life is like a dumbbell. In fact, we are already exercising our mental strength every day when we bear these pressures in life.
The difficulty now is facing the new pressure of an unknown new campus. It's not like the dumbbells you lifted before have become heavier, but it's like switching to a new gym. We cannot predict in advance what abilities this new environment will challenge you, and then train these skills at home in advance. So what to do? I am here to provide a reverse problem-solving idea: It doesn’t matter what skills you have, and it doesn’t matter if you have a glassy heart. Strong psychological endurance means that you can accept that you are not strong enough now. Going to college to start living, learning, and growing on your own is the original purpose of going to college.
Here I recommend a video that I have recently collected. I think it is very cute and healing, and it is very suitable for watching when you have a weak heart. Maybe you have also seen the speech given by Yang Chaoyue when Rocket Girls disbanded and said goodbye. She cried so much that she didn't care about her image at all. She said that she was not good at what she did and she argued with her boss for first place. She made a mistake when she danced on stage. But her teammates kept telling her that she could do it and pulled her up in the morning to practice dancing. The video was funny and touching. She concluded by saying that she wanted everyone to see that God also favors stupid children.
really makes me feel very warm, an atmosphere where everything is accepted. Fans, teammates, and bosses have given Yang Chaoyue such trust. The sense of security of being favored has given her stronger psychological endurance, and she has been able to perform on stage with fear for two years. She is lucky to have such tolerance and acceptance, but in reality we may not be so lucky.
Nowadays, many environments really put too much pressure on people. If you are not smart enough, good enough, or capable enough, then what if you are just a crybaby and have a heartless heart...
What's wrong? Why not?
We all have weaknesses and shortcomings, who would swear that they don’t have them? And even if you are ordinary, you don’t only have a one in ten thousand chance of being favored, but you have 100% right to believe that you are worthy of being loved.
Therefore, in the face of a new environment full of unknowns, the top priority is not to exercise physical strength, not to ensure that you have the strength to withstand everything, but to think about where you can rest in the new environment, where your emotions can be fully accepted, and where you can relax even if you are not able to bear the pressure.
For example, if you just leave home and start living alone, you will often cry and call home, and it is normal to need the protection of your parents. Contact friends, go see the stars you chase, and read the books you like. Of course, you are also very welcome to come to comfort and relax. You can also make a rest and recharge list and find a place where you feel safe to rest. Then we can talk about how to develop stronger abilities.
To summarize, when going to a new environment, first find your own corner of security. It can be anything, as long as it is something you can control and can bring you security. You can also post your safe corners and share them with other sugar pills to give them some inspiration.
3 Turn off the switch that amplifies fear
After determining where you can rest, you can start to exercise better. The reason why we label ourselves as having a glass heart is usually because we care about some small things, which are nothing to others, or we think rationally that they are quite normal and there is no need to cry. But the emotional reaction is extremely large, and it is a state of being out of control.
Because emotions are emotional, they do not reason with us. Especially when it is very scared, like a small animal entering the stress response stage, comforting it and taking it back to a safe area is the best choice. So when we feel calm and safe, we can think about it, why is this so scary to you?
When we already have fear and anxiety in our hearts, many small things are actually amplifying switches for these emotions. For example, I was very afraid that everyone would dislike me. At this time, a stranger appeared and looked at me with an unfriendly look. This look confirmed my fear. At this point I was sure that no one really liked me anymore, and I started to enter panic mode.
When I was doubting myself and fearing that I couldn’t do it or not do well, I happened to encounter the teacher asking questions and suggestions, which was like saying to my fear: You really can’t do it, you are a bad student. Looking at it rationally, there are many problems with this logic. But from the perspective of our emotional sensibility, these small things trigger those points that we are most afraid and worried about, and our emotions will have a big reaction.
How can you turn off these switches? In addition to using reason to reason with emotions and enhance the power of reason, it can also enhance other aspects of inner strength. recommends a book here, its name is "Tools", it is very practical.
does not specifically analyze where each person’s fear comes from, nor does it intend to completely remove fear. Because we are afraid of some things, it emphasizes finding the forces in your life that are more powerful than fear. The book gives many powers that are more powerful than fear, such as the power to keep moving forward, the power of love, the power of self-expression, the power of gratitude, and the power of willpower. You can call upon them when emotions hinder you.
The power to move forwardYou can imagine that in "Forrest Gump", Forrest Gump continues to move forward to find the goal, which is the force to run forward;
The power of love You can imagine the love expressed in " please reply 1988". In this drama, whether it is family, friendship or love, it is particularly touching. It is the power of love that can give people warmth;
The power of self-expressionYou can imagine that in "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel", Mrs. Maisel stood on the stage and sincerely expressed the power of her pain;
The power of gratitude can refer to the Thanksgiving that Americans celebrate, such as the Thanksgiving special of " Friends ". Trying to find the strength around you that is worthy of gratitude will drive away a lot of negative thinking and complaints.
and willpower , you can try to imagine a person who you think best represents willpower. I will think of the "Chinese Women's Volleyball" I watched recently. You can type in the comment area the person you think of who can best mobilize your willpower.
When you find these powers and often consciously mobilize them, your psychological endurance will also increase. They are already there like our muscles, but without naming them and feeling them, we don’t have much awareness of mobilizing and exercising these forces. For example, in fact, this sugar pill has mobilized his own strength to move forward. It makes you uncomfortable to leave home and the protection of your parents, but going to college is a more important goal, and worries about your own glass heart have not hindered your progress. You can absolutely not want to go to school or report to the university because you are too glassy, but you don't have this idea. It means that there is a force more important than fear supporting you.
This book also drew a very vivid picture. The specific method of operation is to say to yourself: Let go of the pain! I love pain, pain makes me free! Although sounds a little bit mediocre, when I actually read it out, I still feel a little more powerful. When I'm scared, I often say things to myself that would be embarrassing in public, such as "I'll do my best!", "Come on, whoever is afraid of whom!".
But these words are really useful, because it is mobilizing your dormant and suppressed courage, and it is also updating the automatic language in your thinking. The words you used to automate before were "I can't do it" and "I'm going to collapse soon", but now the words you use to automate are those words to cheer yourself up when you're not good enough.
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