Self-Awakening
Everyone has the ability to heal. This power is contained in the human heart, and the meaning of treatment is to help remove obstructive forces and mobilize constructive forces, ultimately promoting self-awakening and growth. From the perspective of Indian philosophy: treatment is the path to redirection through self-knowledge. At this time, his self began to awaken, and he realized what was most important to him. He was no longer dominated by fear and desire, and began to work hard to become himself and live out himself.
But this is a difficult and dangerous road. He needs to get rid of the existing framework that hinders personal growth and happiness, and establish a new life direction and goal based on his own experience. He needs to discover his true emotions and needs, establish his own values, get along with others with his true self, and shift the focus of life from others back to himself. This is not a process that can be completed smoothly. On the contrary, it is a process that constantly produces pain, fear, and confusion. Choosing such a path requires a lot of courage.
At first, the patient came to seek treatment because of physical and mental symptoms, but as the treatment progresses, he will gradually discover that the problem is not as simple as it seems on the surface. After the stage when he initially imagined that therapy was just a "blitzkrieg", he realized that therapy was actually a "protracted battle" - if he wanted to stop inner conflicts and achieve personality integration, he would have to go through painful and long efforts.
In this process, he must see through the phenomenon to see the essence, and transform from symptom relief to reflection on human nature. He needs to understand why he is what he is now, he needs to understand the influence of his family of origin on him, he needs to realize the control of his inner drive, he needs to see clearly the existence of his false self, he needs to wake up to the mistakes of his values and life pursuits, he needs to see through the illusions and illusions about himself and life, he must overcome all the drives or attitudes that can hinder the development of his personality, and only then can he have the opportunity to discover his true potential and then develop them.
What is really needed in the field of spiritual growth is not methods, but awareness and awakening. Although the counselor also hopes that the patient can quickly give up his pathological pursuits and goals, if he does not grow and realize his own heart, no matter what the therapist says, it will be useless. Only when he is aware of it himself, not when others instill it in him, can he have the power to transform. So the role of the counselor is to help him see, try to awaken him, and make him understand.
Here is a case to illustrate this process:
He is now in his 30s and works as a senior executive in a foreign company. The obsessive-compulsive symptoms occurred in high school. The cause of the onset was because the teacher said: Eating gutter oil will affect IQ. This innocuous sentence caused great waves in his heart. After all, IQ is the basis for achievement for him. If he becomes stupid, he will not be able to achieve his ideal in life - to reach the pinnacle of life and marry Bai Fumei.
Later, he no longer struggled with this sentence, but he felt that his brain power was not as good as before. In the past, his brain seemed to be on automatic mode and could automatically absorb information from the outside world, but now it was on manual mode, requiring active absorption, and it was inefficient. Moreover, he gave some examples, such as knowledge about cars, computers, and repairs. Now it takes more time to master them. Therefore, the purpose of his treatment is to restore his previous brain power. He has always been as unwilling as a hero who has spent a lot of time in martial arts.
He believes that only by eradicating compulsion can he find his "real" self. He believes that if there was no coercion, he would not be who he is now. He would be able to take the postgraduate and Ph.D. exams, become famous, become famous, and benefit the world. Although he is doing well now, he is still not satisfied with himself.
In fact, coercion was not the reason for his failure, but from the beginning it was because he wanted to succeed so much that he had coercion. After the coercion occurred, he blamed all these unattainable desires on coercion.
After treatment and analysis, he had a clearer understanding of himself. During a treatment, he drew me a self-analysis mind map . Of course, I present it in text here:
The causes of psychological problems : Parents quarreling, lack of security, lack of love, the normal state is fear, nervousness, uneasiness, lack of confidence, fear of being scolded. My mother is strong, vain, needs face, and cares about other people's opinions. In order to cater to her and gain her approval, her life pursuits are success, recognition, perfection, controllability, excellence, and superiority. The outlook on life is that potential is unlimited and hard work is the only way out. Performance of
in life: strives to gain recognition from others, avoid conflicts, and maintain harmony even at the expense of suppressing their own emotions and losing their own interests. Pay special attention to other people's feelings, look at other people's faces, and always cater to others to maintain interpersonal harmony. They always give in, are afraid of conflicts, and think that they are weak and not strong. In study and work, we strive to be excellent and become a jack-of-all-trades who is proficient in all aspects, so work and study are very stressful. Old customers need to be maintained and new customers need to be developed. I am afraid of not being accepted or rejected, and I am worried about giving a bad impression to the leadership, so I bite the bullet and go to work every day. I feel anxious every day, afraid that something will happen. At the same time, immerse yourself in fantasies, such as fantasies about becoming an elite and an expert. I am always tired. I must be better than others. Only by working hard can there be hope.
Psychological symptoms: Anxiety, always worrying about the worst outcome, such as death, car accidents, terminal illness; not accepting one's own incompetence, laziness, procrastination, not being good, and avoiding. The symptoms include frequently asking for leave and avoiding acquaintances. Split, the whole person is wandering in inferiority and conceit. Compulsion, because you are afraid of failure, think of N ways to solve one thing, pay great attention to efficiency, want to become "automatic", and force yourself to do everything well. I am worried that some thoughts will distract me. This idea has been entangled in my brain and I cannot get rid of it; everything must be perfect and demanding, and every detail must be paid attention to.
Conflict and division: believes that he studies well, has a high IQ, is different, has been praised since childhood, has good looks, and is pursued by girls. Now he has two apartments, two children, and is in the management of a foreign-owned enterprise with a high income. In terms of family, my parents are in good health and can make money, and my wife is beautiful, generous, kind, obedient, and centered on me. Very confident, thinking that I have a higher IQ than others, strong understanding, and strive to make progress. But on the other hand, I feel that I am incompetent, resorting to cheating, attacking myself, and thinking that I am half a useless person.
Later, he read the part about the growth of human nature in my book "Social Phobia", and then realized that his treatment had just begun. He thought that the book was written for him. He felt that he had an epiphany and understood why he was like this—— Living in a false self, losing the true self, I find that I am driven by the false self in life, and forced to do things by what I should. The true self has not lived, has not grown, lives very tiredly, and is playing a role. I did not realize it before, and I always thought it was true.
After that, he said: He understood, got through, and understood that real treatment is to live out oneself. He also talked about a small incident in his life: He rented a house to someone, but the other person returned the lease before it expired. His first reaction was that the other person was very nice, so he wanted to return the deposit to the other person. However, when he came back to his senses, he realized that doing so seemed to be to maintain his image in other people's minds and to avoid conflicts and maintain harmony. He realizes that the true self does not want to retreat, the thoughts of the true self and the false self are different, and his good qualities are all pretended. This time he began to try to establish a link with his real self, and in the end the deposit was not returned.
His vision was expanded, and he noticed aspects that did not seem to be symptoms. He understood that he had only been maintaining a pathological balance before, but this was very dangerous. Once it was broken, or might be broken, he would fall into anxiety and compulsion again.
Because treatment emphasizes the patient's own participation and efforts, sometimes patients will go to the other extreme, from thinking that treatment is omnipotent to that treatment is useless. The function of treatment is like a mirror, helping him to "see" himself. In this sense, it is useful, but the mirror cannot eliminate the flaws on a person's face, nor can it make a person beautiful. In this sense, treatment is useless. Therefore, treatment is not a utilitarian thing, but is equivalent to a kind of self-cultivation. When we have a deeper understanding of ourselves and the problems, we will realize that we have been on the wrong path without knowing it.
In this process, the therapist does not blindly meet the patient's needs, but helps him explore within. For example, if a patient is afraid of being disliked, what the therapist does is not to teach him more social skills and win everyone's approval, but to help him develop the courage to be disliked; when a patient with hypochondriasis seeks reassurance from a doctor over and over again in exchange for a false sense of security, the therapist does not blindly provide him with positive reassurances, but helps him realize that there is no absolute safety. The truth about the world; when a patient with obsessive-compulsive disorder worries that he cannot control his behavior and will do something outrageous, the therapist does not teach him how to control himself, but helps him figure out why he is so afraid of going out of his way; when the patient has low self-esteem and cannot find the advantages in himself, what the therapist needs to do is not to help him become excellent, but to explore with him why he cannot accept himself as a person with shortcomings and deficiencies.
Some patients are always anxious and hope that the therapist will tell them everything they see and know. This can speed up the treatment process, but in fact this is meaningless. Because his mind has not grown to a certain height and his awareness has not reached a certain depth, if he only regards treatment as a means to eliminate symptoms, then no matter what the counselor says, he will not be distracted.
For awakening and enlightenment, this is not a matter of pursuing efficiency. Being too focused on efficiency will shift the focus of treatment. Obsessing with "cure" will only make a person restless, like an ant on a hot pot. Normal analysis and treatment will be impossible, and the treatment itself will become forced. In order to improve efficiency and save time, a patient will stipulate what he wants to say and allocate time during each treatment. Sometimes it is difficult for me to insert a sentence, because it will ruin his entire plan. It seems that he is trying to make good use of every minute of the consultation, but in fact this behavior does not improve the efficiency of treatment, but will hinder effective communication with the consultant, and the treatment becomes his own talk. Spiritual growth has its own rules. As long as we are generally in the right direction, everything will happen naturally.
There is such a story:
A student monk asked the Zen master: "Master, with my qualifications, how long will it take for me to become enlightened?"
The Zen master said: "Ten years."
The student monk asked again: "Does it take ten years? Master, if I How long will it take to achieve enlightenment if I practice harder?
Zen Master said, "It will take twenty years."
The student monk was very confused, so he asked again: "If I work day and night, just to meditate, how long will it take to achieve enlightenment?"
Zen Master said. : "Then you will never become enlightened."
The student monk was surprised: "Why?"
The Zen master said: "You only care about the results of meditation, how can you have time to pay attention to yourself?"
When the patient puts the therapist's words into his heart If Neo-Confucianism books are used as life-saving straws instead of trying to understand the symptoms and the way of self, then treatment can easily become a game of error correction. The patient will correct whatever he finds wrong. He thinks this will cure him, but because he does not know why he is wrong or how to correct it, he does a lot of useless work.For example, if a patient knows the word " let nature take its course ", he will chant it all day long, like a mantra, trying to get rid of symptoms through this sentence, without understanding that this is actually an attitude towards life; when I say that he is too conceited and living in fantasy, he will suddenly let go of his conceitedness and does not dare to show any conceitedness. He would regard all analyzes as orders and everything the counselor said as methods. He tried to become a so-called normal person in the eyes of the therapist. He tried to change all the abnormal things about himself and succeeded. As long as he doesn't feel it in his heart and doesn't really let go, no matter what he does, it will be in vain.
A patient wrote: I feel that we have done a lot of meaningless things, and there are a lot of things that are not worth the gain. I think the word "the gain is not worth the loss" is particularly appropriate. I felt even more tired after seeing a psychiatrist. In the end, nothing seemed to be resolved. I fought with compulsion every day. I didn’t dare to retaliate when people scolded me. I didn’t dare to wear beautiful clothes for fear of being different. I didn’t dare to brag about my awesomeness to my friends for fear of inflating myself. I saw a friend on WeChat whose name is "I am the only one who is crazy". He said that he is a person who must avenge his enemies, is vain and confident, and says that he is good even if he is not good. When I saw him, I was so envious. He had his own self and was living a life, while I was already living according to the formula. In the past, you were a god and I had to listen to whatever you said. But through my exchanges with friends and my own experience, I feel that there is nothing wrong with me. Many people say that I am the best singer in the sports world and the best singer in the sports world. It is a joke. This is also a fact and there is nothing wrong with it. Being excellent in many aspects is not a sin. From the beginning of
's obedience to treatment, to the later loss outweighing the gains, the psychological change was that from the beginning, he was using treatment as a means of "gain". He hoped that by being obedient, he could get rid of his symptoms and maintain his greatness, but when he didn't get what he wanted, he became frustrated.
In fact, the focus of treatment is not to be obedient, but to understand; the essence of treatment is not to "gain", but to face "loss". If he cannot understand these two points, his intelligence will ultimately become a resistance to treatment rather than a push.
For example, if a person still believes in getting rich through MLM, then he will not only not quit, but will continue to attract relatives and friends to become his downline. Even if the police who rescue him take him away from the MLM den, he will still blame the police for affecting his financial resources. After a while, he will be attracted by another scam. If he does not let go of his greed, his IQ will not be online.
Another patient wrote: I really feel conflicted. On the one hand, I am aware of my pathological personality. You told me to learn to accept it, face my true self, and get rid of perfectionism. So, I regarded it as my goal, but I felt more tired. At this time, any of my behaviors, thoughts, and emotions were interpreted as pathological, problematic, and needed to be corrected, even if some of them were actually just normal emotions that normal people have (of course, I know that some of my thoughts and emotions are indeed pathological), so it became even more difficult for me to accept myself.
I shouldn’t be afraid of others, I shouldn’t always care about and speculate on what others think of me when interacting with others, I shouldn’t always be afraid of being criticized, I shouldn’t live based on other people’s preferences, I shouldn’t always beat myself up, etc. I feel so tired, as if there is a ruler measuring me, constantly telling me, "Your thoughts are pathological, your reaction is perfectionism, and you have social anxiety. These are all wrong and need to be corrected." Psychological problems are everywhere and must be corrected.
Before treatment, the patient only discovered the existence of external symptoms, but after treatment, he will discover more distortions and pathologies in his inner personality and pursuits.But because of the desire for perfection, he will be even more unable to accept himself and face such an imperfect person. Therefore, when he finds a problem, he will correct it, thinking that this will be normal. Little did he know that he once again fell into the perfection trap, so the more treatment he received, the more tired he became; the more problems he found, the more he collapsed. But this is no longer therapy, it has become a compulsion.
Therefore, we must first accept our own problems and accept ourselves as a person with problems. Of course, this does not mean that the real problems of patients do not need to be dealt with. It is just that these problems themselves do not need to be corrected, but require more analysis and awareness. In the end, we are not trying to make ourselves better, but to figure out why we can't face our own shortcomings. This is what needs to be done in therapy.
Treatment is like anything else in life, if you try too hard, it will be counterproductive. It's like sand in your hand. When you hold it too tightly, not only will you not be able to grasp it, but more will leak out. For example, a patient was very nervous before and during the consultation because he asked himself to adjust to the best state before each consultation and wanted to gain something and change in each consultation. He put a lot of demands on himself, but during the consultation he was so nervous that his mind went blank and he didn't know what to say. The same is true for him in interpersonal interactions. The more he wants to perform well, the more afraid he becomes, and in the end he has to escape. Some patients finally have to realize the fact that as long as they want to do something well, it will cause problems, but when they don't want to do it well, they can do it naturally.
The same is true for psychotherapy: the more you try to cure it, the less likely it is to cure it. Many people don’t understand why they are willing to work hard and think well, but the results are counterproductive. In fact, we only see the surface. Behind wanting too much, the reality is that he cannot face himself who is not good enough. This is still an obsession at work.
Healing is not as simple as it seems on the surface. There is a difference between true healing and false healing. Real healing is not the elimination of pain and symptoms, but giving up illusions and obsessions, seeing through the illusion of false self, reconciling with self, and finally becoming himself. Although both patients and therapists talk about healing, the actual connotations are completely different. The cure that the patient thinks is to eliminate symptoms, maintain harmony, eliminate imperfections, escape from uncontrollable reality, and maintain his sense of superiority and self-confidence. If the goals of treatment are not unified, the counselor and the patient are just tug-of-war rather than working in the same direction.
Inexperienced therapists will blindly help patients alleviate their external symptoms out of love, but ignore that his pain comes from his inner greed. Visible problems are often just the tip of the iceberg, while invisible problems are often hidden deep below the surface. Just trying to solve the superficial symptoms is not only futile, but sometimes it makes the problem more serious and complicated. For example, a girl, although she is fifth in grades, feels like a failure because she did not reach her ideal first place; although she has friends, because she cannot make everyone like and respect her, she fears and avoids interacting with others. But if she is really number one, she really gains the respect and love of everyone, and her desires are satisfied. Although her pain is relieved and she seems to be rescued, it is like a drug addict. After taking drugs, his desires will not lessen, but will only become stronger. It seems that she has regained her confidence, but in fact she has gone to the other extreme and become arrogant and arrogant.
Psychological consultation and treatment are not simple services, they have their own uniqueness, so we cannot simply follow the principle that the customer is God. If we buy a piece of clothing in a store, the salesperson will never bring you a pair of shoes. But psychotherapy is just the opposite. When the patient resists, the counselor will remind him to accept it; when the patient wants to escape, the counselor will encourage him to face it; when the patient is persistent, the counselor will advise him to let go.The counselor gives the patient whatever he needs. It seems to be a happy ending, but there are huge hidden dangers here. This is hardly treatment, but a gentle trap for the patient.
Therefore, therapists often give harsh words to remind patients that they are on the wrong path and are driven by pathological desires. To put it simply, most of the time the patient's efforts are in the wrong direction, just like a obsessed person, although he thinks that his pursuit and persistence are understandable.
But this is not easy. After all, when he is too persistent, it is difficult to be awakened. At this time, he instead thinks that the therapist is brainwashing him and leading him astray, and believes that there is no hope and light in the treatment. Before he awakens, he will not discover that the "darkness" he cannot face is actually reality itself, and the "light" he pursues is essentially an unrealistic fantasy, just a dream.
For example, when many people come to therapy, they not only have unrealistic illusions about therapy, but also mistakenly regard psychotherapy as success learning - they imagine that they can get ahead by getting rid of their symptoms. Although he is ordinary in reality, he believes that all this is the fault of the symptoms, otherwise he will definitely achieve extraordinary things.
A male patient believed that he could save the world and make great achievements when he was in junior high school. He especially admired politicians and great people, and read various celebrity biographies, Global Times, and reference news. Think that you have to do something great and have a major impact, maximize your own value, and even change the world.
When his anxiety and fear affected his greatness, he sought treatment, but after treatment for a period of time, he asked me doubtfully: Will neurosis affect success?
As expected, he came to treatment to succeed, otherwise he would not come to treatment.
Of course, neurosis may make a person successful in the early stage. After all, his compulsive efforts will temporarily put him ahead of the people around him, but in the end he will slowly fail because he wants to prove himself too much, wants to surpass others too much, and cannot stand failure. Therefore, he loses his sense of normalcy, so he can only escape reality in the end, and finally collapses. From another perspective, even if neurosis does not affect his success, he is ultimately just a loser. After all, he can only achieve success in the eyes of the world, but not in his own heart, so in the end he will still be a loser in his own eyes.
Some patients understand the meaning of treatment intellectually, but subconsciously they still regard treatment as a means to escape reality and maintain fantasy. Only after being hit by reality again and again can he understand the meaning of treatment and growth - growth is actually less fantasy and more reality; less persistence and more tolerance; less pretense and more reality.
And all this is not obtained through intelligence or knowledge. He must experience and realize it through his own heart, otherwise he will not be touched no matter what others or consultants say. One patient talked about what I said about treatment, just like she told me about wedding dresses (she owns a wedding dress shop). Although she told me about various styles, because I have never seen, touched, or worn them, I cannot have a personal experience or form a concept. The same is true for treatment. What I say needs to be understood and seen by her a little bit, so that it can become her own thing, can it be integrated into her heart, and can it affect her life.
Psychologist Karen Horney also reminds us: "Knowing yourself" cannot just stop at "intellectual understanding". Although it may start in this way, it must later become an emotional experience. In fact, these two factors will be mixed, because generally no one can experience "conceit" universally. He can only experience his personal conceit from a specific thing. It is important that he not only consider the forces acting on himself, but also feel them. What he observes with wisdom may be correct, but like a mirror that cannot absorb light but only reflects it, he can apply these "insights" to others but not to himself.
For example, a female patient frequently collapsed due to work pressure. Although her workload later decreased, she still disliked going to work and was still full of anxiety at work. It's not big things that cause anxiety, it's just small things like handing over a job to another colleague and then starting to worry that he didn't explain it clearly or that he didn't do it. She now felt that her pursuit was morbid, a kind of extreme perfection and morbid seriousness. She had not felt it before, but from this collapse, she really felt it. When I told her all this before, she didn't understand and thought it had nothing to do with her. In the past, she had always been stuck in the stage of hoping to be "cured", but at that time she did not understand the meaning of treatment. She now finally understands that the focus of treatment is not to find value from the outside, but to let go of pathological values and pursuits internally, face inner insecurities, etc. It is not as simple as "getting better".
As life experience and understanding increase, the patient will think of the counselor's words or the books he read many years ago. At that time, he did not understand or understand. But after time, he began to understand a little more and listened a little more. He began to understand that maybe it was not that the counselor did not understand him, but that he had not recognized himself and the nature of the problem.
Take my personal experience of learning psychology as an example. When I was in college, I read almost all psychology books, and subjectively believed that the books I could understand were useful, while the books I couldn't understand were just some people's full nonsense, which were completely irrelevant. Later, when I engaged in psychological counseling work, I began to try to use the theories I knew to guide my work, but I encountered a bottleneck in the later stages. When I read the books I couldn't understand again, I actually understood some of them, especially Karen Horney's book. Some of the contents in the book answered many of my questions and opened a new door for me. Later, I was finally able to read the works of masters and understand their viewpoints, and this was entirely because I personally experienced the situation and dilemma of patients at work. When I understood more about human nature, I discovered that books that I could not understand at the moment were more helpful to my growth.
The so-called experience is the specific feeling gained after personal practice and verification. The so-called knowledge is abstract knowledge based on reasoning and judgment. However, the most profound understanding comes after concrete practice and experience. Just like if you don't eat pears, you don't know the taste of pears.
Some patients seem to be analyzing themselves and studying psychology, but they have always been intellectually-centered rather than emotion-centered. Although they have learned a lot of truths through treatment and reading, and tried to use these truths to convince themselves, they did not resonate with him emotionally, so they ultimately gained nothing. For example, a patient has read almost all psychology books, understands various psychological theories, and is very clear when analyzing himself. He is almost becoming a psychological expert. However, this understanding does not alleviate his fear, does not stop him from escaping, and does not reduce his fantasies and conflicts. Mere intellectual knowledge cannot penetrate deep into the subconscious mind. Only what is truly experienced can have a therapeutic effect.
There are also some people who like psychological hints and shout slogans. Such empty slogans have no practical meaning other than making people feel better temporarily like a chicken blood injection. For example, a patient chose a psychological suggestion method called "Oath Therapy". He said to himself every day: I am growing; I leave everything to God; I don't care about other people's evaluation; I don't want to be perfect; others can't hurt me; I love myself and accept myself. Because he doesn't understand why he doesn't love himself, why he cares about other people's opinions, why he can't face the suffering of all living beings, and why he is obsessed with perfection, this kind of empty slogan will only make him happy in the end.
Sometimes, patients also fantasize about being saved by drugs, but drugs are only a means to relieve symptoms and cannot change a person's pathological personality and wrong direction in life.However, some people believe too much in the medical model and believe that their problems are caused by abnormal secretion of certain chemical substances in the brain. They think that as long as they supplement the lack of certain substances, they will be fine. But in clinical practice, I have seen too many patients who have been taking drugs for many years, or even become dependent on drugs, who were not really cured by taking the drugs, but only had their symptoms partially relieved. Although drugs do not cause irreversible damage to the body, an important side effect of drugs is that they prevent a person from knowing and understanding himself on a deeper level. When drugs alleviate a person's symptoms, he will not have the motivation to analyze the real source of symptoms and pain, and will also give him an illusion of healing. His inner conflict still exists, and his self has not grown.
Since these don't work, how can we truly cure neurosis and finally achieve self-awakening?
If you want to cure neurosis, you need to have a deep understanding of the causes of neurosis and the goals of treatment. If you don't understand clearly, you will not be on the right path.
The mechanism of neurosis - lack of love in childhood, so he fell into fantasy. Fantasy became a shell to protect him, but this shell restricted his growth and prevented him from seeing the world as it is. Because he could not accept himself, he was immersed in the fantasy of an idealized self. This gave him a sense of superiority and alleviated his feeling of insignificance, but it also paved the way for future conflicts. After all, fantasy will always be broken by reality. Sooner or later, he will have to face the reality that he is not so perfect in reality, and is even inferior to ordinary people in many aspects. The so-called better self is just an excuse to escape from the true self. In the end, he becomes more and more separated from himself, which leads to various internal conflicts and external symptoms.
Therefore, the purpose of therapy is to break the illusion and return to reality; to accept the true self instead of maintaining the existence of a false self. At this time, we can build a healthy and strong support-self-love.
However, patients always focus on their mental problems, but do not realize that a person's psychological problem is not a point problem, but a systemic problem. There is no point in trying to eliminate symptoms without understanding how the entire system works.
has a good saying: The devil is hidden in the details. Inner demons also seep into every aspect of life, and are difficult to detect if you are not careful. Only by being aware of the details can we understand how deeply we are controlled by inner demons and morbid desires, how fake our lives are, and realize that the symptoms are just a mockery of self-deception by reality. One patient wrote: The conflicts of neurosis are so hidden that it is difficult for me to detect them. Only when I have symptoms do I realize that there are pathological values and obsessions that I cannot understand. I should also analyze more deeply what it is that doesn’t let me go.
Whether it is self-treatment or psychological analysis, the first thing we need to do is analysis and awareness, to discover things that we were not aware of before. Of course, this process is like a maze. If you are not careful, you will go astray and be unable to see the essence of the problem. Therefore, this is also the meaning and value of the therapist's existence - to help a person understand himself better.
There is actually no trick or shortcut on how to know yourself. You can only discover and understand through symptoms, through fear, through conflicts, through experiences, and through life bit by bit. Perhaps, in some seemingly mundane things, there are often important clues to understanding yourself hidden.
A female patient said during a treatment that she realized something that she had not realized before. For example, she realized that her parents had always protected her too well, but this protection was not love, but a kind of control. Even though she has grown up, her parents always treat her as a child, but this is very heavy and she feels like she has been wrapped up in every aspect. As for herself, she also made some new discoveries. For example, she couldn't put the thermos bottle where she thought it should be placed, but her husband always didn't follow her rules.At first she would talk about her husband, but later she stopped talking and just took it back by herself. Of course it was a small thing, but she realized from these small things her requirements for all aspects of herself, which was actually a big problem. She finally understood why she always had periodic outbursts. After all, she could not be impeccable and perfect in every aspect of her life. For example, she would be attracted to the opposite sex except her husband; When these things accumulated to a certain extent, she began to have an emotional breakdown.
She didn't understand why this happened before, but now she knows that she must have internalized all kinds of pathological requirements and rules from her parents, so she can't accept herself, and she unconsciously imposes all these requirements on her husband and children, so she always finds fault with them. Only then did she realize that treatment was not as simple as improving her mood, but about breaking the constraints of these "rules" on her own humanity. Before that, she mistakenly thought she was free, but now she realizes that she has actually been living in a "prison", but she didn't know it.
Understanding, discovery, and awareness are the basic methods of treatment. It is like Sherlock Holmes solving a case. Suspicion is often the first step. If we always take everything for granted, we are destined to be unable to go deep, let alone see the truth behind it. So we have to keep an open mind and the unknown, and be true to ourselves, rather than self-righteously thinking we already know ourselves and the truth.
When the patient has more insights, he is not more relaxed, on the contrary, he may become more panicked. A patient wrote: Teacher, you took everything away from me. After reading the theory you wrote, I suddenly woke up. I realized that I could never fill the vacancy in my heart. I realized that I had never lived, I had been pursuing honor, I had always kept myself safe, and I had never lived according to my true appearance. But since I stopped pursuing vanity, I became even more afraid. I was afraid that I would become a timid person and that anyone could bully me. You took away everything I had before, everything that could keep me safe. I can no longer live freely.
Neurosis is actually a wall built to protect ourselves, so when we try to tear it down, we will definitely encounter inner resistance. Although the patient wants to solve the external symptoms, the fact that there are no symptoms may make him more afraid. After all, it is better to struggle with the symptoms than to face the real fear deep inside.
A female patient said: She felt that what I said was meaningless, it did not get her point, she was not touched, and it was useless no matter what I said.
One of her problems is: she always takes the initiative to say hello to others, and when others ignore her, she becomes nervous. She always reflects on what she has not done well. She tries to do everything well, so that others will like her.
Obviously, the problem is not whether others like her or hate her, whether she does well or not, but that she has no sense of security and worth within her. She cannot accept her true self in her heart, so she fantasizes about filling the hole in her heart through the acceptance and recognition of others, and tries to maintain a perfect self to escape her true self.
But this overly theoretical explanation did not make her feel the same way. After that, I explained the principle of treatment to her in more detail - treatment is like peeling off an onion, layer by layer. The stronger the fear in the heart, the thicker the skin and the more layers it has.
For her, the first level is the issue of interpersonal sensitivity and pleasing. In this regard, she needs to accept the reality that others may not like her without forcing it. On the second level, even if this interpersonal disharmony is caused by your own problems, you still need to accept it. However, she retorted: What if it was really because she was too picky and serious that she had conflicts at work with others? Are you ignoring your own problems? My answer is: still accept it and leave it to be dealt with later.On the third level, she talked about: Accepting it for a while and solving it later. Isn’t this contradictory? I mentioned that this is actually not a contradiction. After all, the problems that are not solved at this level actually come from the non-acceptance of the next level. For example, being picky actually comes from her not accepting that she will make mistakes, not do well, and is not in line with the personality of an excellent employee. And if she can accept that she is an ordinary person who can make mistakes and do things poorly, then he will naturally not be pathologically serious and will not conflict with others because of this. On the fourth level, she cannot accept herself as an ordinary person and lives in the illusion of a perfect self. She bases a person's value on the outside world instead of coming from within. Therefore, she cannot objectively evaluate herself. She either feels that she is superior to others or that she is worthless.
core: Uncovering layer after layer, what is hidden underneath is a child who was despised. Not only was she disliked by her parents since she was a child, but she also internalized their parents' pathological values, so she did not dare to accept and become her true self. Therefore, she had to hide herself, had to disguise herself, and had to become a better person.
treatment: If you can "accept" this core, that is, accept your true self, then all these "onion skins" of self-protection will no longer be necessary. There is no need for her to compete with herself, no need to please others, and no need to live in fantasy.
Of course, many people want to get rid of Huanglong all at once, but this is unrealistic. Treatment needs to come step by step. After all, if a person can't even accept shortcomings, failures, or even someone who hates him, how can he accept an imperfect self?
's final self-acceptance must be based on previous continuous efforts. For example, he lives a more real life; he is braver; he is more tolerant of himself; he can face people who don't like him; he has less to please and less forced efforts; he has less fantasy and more reality. And in this small progress one after another, he is one step closer to accepting his true self.
For example, this female patient was finally able to "criticize" me during treatment. She reminded me that I always interrupted others during consultations and said what they didn't want. Of course, I don’t really care about the content of her criticism of me. What I’m happy about is that she finally has the courage to express her dissatisfaction with others, which was unimaginable before.
She mentioned that she didn't say it before because she was worried that her thoughts were incorrect. She was worried that her thoughts were incorrect, she was worried that the other party had something to say, and she didn't put her own feelings first, so she suppressed it and endured it for so long. Not only in consultation, but in life, she is also much more relaxed than before. For example, when others assign more work to her, she can also raise objections. In the past, she did not dare to raise questions for fear of being laughed at and criticized. The reason why she couldn't come up with good ideas in meetings was because her attention was on others, and she found that others had their own egos, dared to express and insist on their own things, and didn't care what others thought, but she didn't dare. Now she can bravely express some of her own ideas.
With the awakening of the self, the patient began to use his true self to get along with the world, lowering his standard of perfection, and his self-blame was also reduced; he began to show tolerance and acceptance to himself and others that he had not had before, and his dependence on the therapist or others was also reduced; his self-power became stronger and stronger, and he had a real sense of value and existence. He found that not only could he live by relying on his true self, but he could even live better, and he believed in himself more and more.
Being himself, being himself, gave him more satisfaction, and he became convinced that he was on the right track. At this time, his fantasies and desires began to weaken, and he could pursue those things that he was truly interested in. He began to admit and face that he was just an ordinary person with various difficulties and troubles like others. His energy can be used more constructively.When it comes to interacting with people, he is more real and sincere than before. He doesn't have to like everyone, and he doesn't have to make everyone like him. He knows that this is his own and other people's rights; for work and study, he increasingly regards them as themselves, rather than as a bargaining chip to prove his excellence, and he has found real happiness in them. This kind of joy and happiness in being oneself is not a sense of superiority brought about by proving that one is better than others, but a real sense of security and belonging that comes from accepting oneself.
's growth is by no means achieved overnight. In this process, he will inevitably encounter a lot of resistance and confusion. After all, the wrong values instilled by his original family are still very strong, and the fear of not being loved is also deeply rooted in his heart. Therefore, the false self is still the basis for his survival in this world, and if all of this is shattered, his soul will have nowhere to rest. At this time, it will appear as a phenomenon of circling around a certain point, and the manifestation is that one moment he sees the fantasy clearly and sees through the temptation of the inner demon, and the next moment he falls into it and lives in his own comfort zone, living in fantasy and escape.
A patient wrote: I realized the deep twisted personality, the me who abandoned the true self and the beauty of life for perfection and vanity. I have never really lived. I only pursue external perfection and praise, but ignore the original beauty of life. Many things and even friends are just a means to maintain perfection for me and have no value of their own, but I still risk my life to pursue that beauty. Even though I have a deeper understanding than before, I am still controlled by the devil in my actions. When I go out and study on my own, I always feel that others are looking at me. I am afraid that my image will be bad. I am still very anxious if others don't reply to WeChat messages.
treatment is actually a level-clearing game. Failure to pass any level will become a hindrance to growth. These levels are the themes covered in this book, about fantasy, inner demons, values, ego, tyrants, and original family.
One patient said that treatment is like Harry Potter, and the whole series is about the struggle between Harry Potter and Voldemort. Voldemort was a senior in their school. By chance, he got the magic that could divide his soul into 8 parts. So Voldemort placed his soul in 8 different hosts - the Sorcerer's Stone, books, rings... This led to 8 Harry Potter movies. Isn't this just like psychological therapy? Every pain and every struggle is killing a Horcrux. In the last episode, Harry Potter and Voldemort were fighting head-on. This was the day of the decisive battle. It should also be a milestone in psychological therapy.
The decisive battle in psychotherapy is between the true self and the false self. Psychologist Karen Horney has actually given the answer to the cure in her book "Neuroses and Human Growth": Does the patient want to retain his fantasies and continue to be immersed in false conceit, or does he accept that he is also an ordinary person with common human limitations, facing various practical difficulties, and also having the potential for growth? Only when he gives up his fantasies and truly takes responsibility for life can the inner conflict caused by neurosis be resolved and he can achieve real personal growth.
But this process is not smooth sailing, and the inner demons will not surrender obediently. This is a war between truth and falsehood. Although after treatment and analysis, he has a deeper understanding of the nature of the problem than himself, his inner demons will still try to intimidate and seduce him into giving up his pursuit of truth and freedom.
The inner demon is like the narrator of the movie, trying to persuade him to give up his pursuit of freedom, similar to the director's words in "The Truman Show" to persuade Truman to stay: listen to my advice, the outside world is as false as the world I gave you, with the same lies and the same fraud. But you don’t have to be afraid of anything in my world. I know yourself better than you do. You are afraid, so you can't leave. I watched your life, I watched you when you were born; I watched you when you learned to walk; I watched you when you entered school; and the scene when you lost your first tooth. You can't leave, Truman, you belong here, come with me...
A patient wrote: Today I suddenly thought about why I have never been happy again.In fact, my direction has been wrong. I have always pinned my happiness on a perfect job and a perfect myself. However, countless facts have proved that there really is no perfection. Just like my body, my relationship with the opposite sex, my relationships, every job, and others are not perfect, so I have never been happy, and true happiness should be to focus on what already exists and discover its goodness, instead of looking at the bowl and thinking about the basin. I should not find a bottle full of water, but should find the half bottle left. Although countless facts have proven that there is no such thing as perfection, I am still unwilling to accept it. I used the word "seem" to say that there is no real perfection. When I said this, there was a clear voice in my heart that said: No, there is perfection, and you can pursue it. You see, you were one step short before. Look at your glorious past, you did it. I know this must be my inner demon. I have not completely given up. Every time I tell myself to give up, a voice will definitely jump out.
It must be the inner demon - am I wrong? I just want to find a good job, because if there is no perfection, shouldn't I force it? If the world is wrong, do I have to adapt? What's wrong with perfection? Why is there no perfection? Just because it doesn't exist, you can't say it's wrong. Inventing an airplane wouldn't be realistic. My understanding should be wrong and distorted, but I didn't find out what was wrong. I now look at myself from the perspective of my inner demons, defending my desire for perfection and my inner demons. How can I realize that it is wrong? Just because it is not perfect, do you say it is wrong? My inner demon is always tempting me: You see, perfection is only a little bit away from you, it is within reach. But the reality is that every step I take and every well-thought-out effort pushes me further and further away, running in the opposite direction.
Is there perfection in this world? Can one person maintain a high status all the time? Presumably the answer to this question is self-evident. Therefore, the obsession with perfection does not come from reason, but from the temptation of inner demons. The truth cannot convince a person to refuse temptation, only when he is deceived by the inner demon again and again, becomes disillusioned again and again, realizes that perfection does not exist again and again, and realizes it through painful struggles again and again - although it seems difficult to become oneself, it is a possible realization. Although the perfection in fantasy is full of temptation, it is just a dream, and in the end it will only come to nothing.
Finally, we end this book with a sentence from Karen Horney in "The Conflict Within Us" - As long as everyone is alive, they have the possibility to change themselves, or even completely transform themselves. Children are not the only ones with plasticity.
