People always say, don’t fall twice in the same place!
But the fact is that most people will fall in the same place twice. Have you noticed?
When you face your true self one day, want to analyze yourself, and muster the courage to strip yourself "naked", you will be surprised to find after half a life: Even if reminds yourself repeatedly, your reaction pattern is the same when facing the same people and things.
This is the fate we ordinary people call it. In psychology, it is called subconscious , also called compulsive repetition .
If you think you can't, then maybe you are still very young.
Most people, even those with high awareness, will keep falling down in the same place. The difference is that the latter will minimize the regrets in life.
Can fate be controlled by the five fingers?
Compulsive repetition can be understood as the continuous reproduction of relationship patterns formed when a person was a child.
From the initial univariate relationship, the relationship between the child and the mother, to the later binary relationship, the relationship between the child and the father, and then to other social relationships, or the childhood, first love, a person's relationship model in friendship and love, which he has cared about since childhood, it is basically a repetition of the relationship model between the important caregiver and important others in childhood.
It can be traced back to babies
It is precisely because this pattern is formed so early that it is difficult for us as individuals to detect the rules . It penetrates deep into our unconsciousness and forms our destiny . When we learn trust from important caregivers, we will copy this trust when we grow up, attract trustworthy people, and even bring trust to those who are naturally suspicious.
If we learn that suspicion is hostility, then we will continue to replicate this suspicion in future relationships, passing on pain , turning originally trustworthy people into doubters, attracting bad people and getting hurt.
Why do women who hate domestic violence attract men with domestic violence characteristics again and again? Why do ordinary-looking girls always get the favor of their boyfriends easily? Why do many people spend their lives looking for the shadow of their first love?
When you complain about the unfair fate, are you aware of the deepest fear in your heart in the relationship? Have you ever thought about facing it yourself?
Don’t fall in the same place twice is one of the most common warnings we hear. But it's exactly the hardest thing to do with .
In 1920, the famous psychologist Freud published an article called "Beyond the Pleasure Principle", which first proposed the concept of "compulsive repetition" . He observed his children at home. After the children experienced a painful or happy event, they would unconsciously create the same opportunities again and again in the future in order to experience the same emotions.
For example, if the mother leaves the child, the child will throw his favorite toy out of the crib and cry continuously to attract the mother's attention, so that the mother will come back and hand the toy to him. Then he learns this pattern, deliberately throwing away the toy, and then crying to get the toy back, and repeats.
This mode of asking for love and receiving love allows young individuals to unconsciously create the same situation after experiencing a painful thing in order to obtain the familiar love experience and the same emotion .
The curse of identification and disidentification
There are always people around us complaining: "I want to find a girlfriend as gentle as my mother" "I will never find a man like my dad". This kind of recognition and disapproval of parents is called identification and disidentification in psychology .
The simplest understanding of "identification" is "I want to be like him" or even "I am him", and "anti-identification" is "I don't want to be like him" or even "destroy him".
Identity is the most common thing in relationships. Sometimes people will joke, you want to know what kind of woman this man likes? Just go see what the hell it's like.
This is a typical phenomenon of identification. However, the most troublesome thing is counter-identification. Because of the discord with their parents, many people do not want to find a partner like their parents. But the amazing thing is that these people end up living like their parents, which is what we say:
"I became what I hated most at the beginning. " .
Let me tell you a story and you will understand. Girl A and Girl B grew up in a family that favored boys over girls. The parents of the two girls were quite patriarchal and often abused, insulted and ridiculed them. They did not want to use their own money to send their daughters to study until boy C, the younger brother of the two girls, came. The parents regarded the younger brother as a treasure, and their attitudes towards the siblings were very different. All useful and delicious food was given to the younger brother.
In the family relationship, the father is the master with the highest status. Although the mother cooperates with him to exploit the two daughters and becomes an accomplice, she herself seems to be a victim , being called around by her father, and even punished by her father.
All this was seen by the stubborn girl B. A girl continued the relationship model of her parents, found a violent husband, and copied the relationship model of her parents.
Woman B is different. She hates her father's strength and violence, and marries a man who is weak, timid and loves to cause trouble. During the marriage, Ms. B is very strong and holds a position of authority in the family. She suppresses and belittles her husband everywhere. Although she is fragile and helpless inside, she is very aggrieved, strong and paranoid. The man's self-esteem cannot stand it, and he constantly resists her, resulting in constant conflicts and wars.
Ms. B hates her father, but she becomes a person just like him . Just like her father belittles her mother, she recruits her children to find fault with her husband, belittles her husband, and complains about her sufferings to her children.
It is a pity that Ms. B gave birth to a son. Ms. B loved her son but always beat, scolded and belittled her son, just like her husband, making her son feel split and painful love. Later, the relationship between mother and son was also copied. When the son grew up, he found a particularly strong wife and became a coward like his father, reprinting the marriage model of Ms. A and her husband.
Regarding this, Ms. A has been immersed in deep self-blame.
Perhaps Ms. AB’s grandchildren will continue to pass on the legacy when they grow up...
It can be seen that Ms. A is a typical identification, while Ms. B is a typical counter-identification.
So the summary is: In an unhealthy and painful native family, whether it is identification or disidentification, they are two extreme choices. One does not change the consciousness, while the other changes too much and subverts the essence of the original relationship .
Are you redeeming yourself or destroying yourself?
Sometimes we have to think about a question. Many people believe that a person's destiny is controlled by five fingers. However, is what you do really counterattack and save yourself?
The essence of "compulsive repetition" is subconscious self-salvation. Yes, you heard it right, the reason why you keep making mistakes in is precisely because you constantly want to redeem yourself . The self-salvation here is "control and reversal".
The so-called subconscious mind is controlling your life, which emphasizes the corrective effect of forced repetition on personal destiny, but we are accustomed to calling it destiny.
Take important caregivers and others in your early years as an example. Your relationship with them will always generate pain at the same stage, hindering your deep intimacy. This unfinished event will make you continue to look for similar people for the rest of your life, continue to experience this pain, and try to reverse it and control it.
A man who suffered from the trauma of poverty in his early years developed a sense of material and emotional unworthiness due to his parents' excessive frugality. Even after he gained wealth through starting a business as an adult and became a rich generation, he still had a strong sense of unworthiness deep in his heart.
He felt that he was not worthy of the person he liked, as if achieving success was a betrayal of his parents and that important other person. Therefore, he deliberately created a huge trouble: he failed to start his own business and became a complete loser.
Although he complains to outsiders that God is unfair to him, in fact, this kind of pain is created by him unconsciously and actively, because this kind of pain is familiar, and this kind of change is familiar to him. , but what he does not understand is that this kind of mental pain cannot be reversed by material things.
A scumbag who keeps changing boyfriends. She looks cold and ruthless on the surface, but in fact she wants to take the first step to trample her boyfriend under her feet. She destroys others first to defend herself from the fear of being abandoned. The scary thing is that she herself is not aware of the purpose of doing so because she cannot face the fact that her father abandoned her and her mother in her early years..
People who lacked love in childhood always fail to handle intimate relationships , making relationships that were not so bad at first become particularly bad, because they always try to reverse it first and "attack" or "hurt" others.
However, this kind of harmful behavior is completely incomprehensible to outsiders . It is impossible for outsiders to tolerate us like our parents, so we finally complained that God was unfair to us "Look, I knew he would leave me in the end, and I knew I was not worthy of being loved" .
1,000 readers have 1,000 Hamlets
No two leaves in the world are exactly the same. Because of this, everyone in the world is unique . The same is true for fate. Everyone has different compulsive repetitions and different personal experiences in childhood, giving birth to completely different paths of destiny. Therefore, the standards of pain and happiness are also completely different. 1,000 people have 1,000 lives.
Instead of envying the happiness of others, it is better to be aware of your own fear and pain. Everyone has different "first love complex", "Electra complex" and "Oedipus complex". These are the unhealed parts of the subconscious mind and have become the obsessions we continue to pursue throughout our lives.
Understand your own subconscious complexes , what subconscious complexes are you bound to? How did your subconscious complex come about? How this subconscious affects your interpersonal relationships, intimate relationships, and then your values, worldview, and work ideals can be traced back to the source step by step.
Jung said: " The complex is the loyal road to the subconscious mind."
I hope you can open the channel of the subconscious mind, heal the trauma of the past, relax yourself, and truly embark on the path of your own destiny.
