Today we will talk about psychology, what are the deeper reasons for anxiety and avoidance attachment, love and killing each other.
If you lack a sense of security in your heart and are particularly afraid of being separated from the other person, you need to always understand what the other person is doing. Even if the other person's tone is cold, you will start to think randomly, such as "Does he not love me anymore" and "Does he be with other opposite sex?", then you are very likely to have an anxious attachment personality.
Whether you are often anxious or occasionally anxious, please think carefully about the pattern of getting along with your partner:
When you control the other person, is the more obedient or rebellious the other person?
The more you please the other person, is the more grateful or indifferent?
I guess it must be the latter, right?
This is actually a typical anxiety type and avoidance type get along. Enduring anxiety, avoiding escape.
Then, anxiety-type attachment is more determined through the interaction with avoidant attachment through this pursuit, that is, one of the ideas that one can only get love by asking others, and one cannot escape the fate of being hurt.
And avoidant attachment also recognizes one thing more, that is, the partner really needs to constantly control himself, so he must keep running away.
These two types of personality people are constantly strengthening their own understanding of themselves and their interpretation of love in the process of falling in love with each other.
However, their original cognition of themselves and their interpretation of love are based on the limitations of their own personality, which means that their cognition is inherently biased, and they do not realize this, or they stubbornly refuse to admit it.
This is why the longer you get along with anxiety and avoidance, the more obvious the anxiety symptoms and avoidance symptoms in each other. The conflict between the two is getting deeper and deeper.
Here I also want to mention a professional term called relational kinetic energy. What is the relationship kinetic energy of
? In any relationship, there will be a motivation to balance this relationship, especially in relationships.
When an anxious type falls in love with an avoidant type, from the perspective of relationships, the overall situation is balanced, just like a person chasing someone and escaping. Their relative speed is balanced, and both parties will maintain a relationship that cannot be let go and cannot be separated. There are many contradictions in the same area, but they cannot be separated by force. They both miss each other very much.
At this time, you will find that even if you are not an avoidant person, when he encounters an anxious person, he will become an avoidant person.
On the other hand, even if it is not an anxious type, when he encounters an avoidant type, he will become a little anxious because the relationship dynamics need to be balanced.
When the relationship kinetic energy is in a delicate balance, anxiety and avoidance will show a state of love and killing each other.
So if you encounter an avoidance and feel that you have become anxious, it is normal. If you encounter an anxiety and you have avoidance symptoms, it is also normal.
However, you cannot let this state continue, because both parties will become increasingly stubborn in the limitations of their own personality. Until one party can't stand the contradiction of love but cannot live in harmony first, and the relationship will collapse completely.
1. The source of avoidant personality disorder
● It usually comes from the original family because it does not receive enough attention and love from parents during infancy and toddlers. Parents always show that their demands for babies are hot and cold, sometimes satisfied and sometimes ignored, making the baby unable to gain a stable sense of security.
● " inferiority " from childhood or original family
When I was young, I was often criticized and ridiculed by my parents, friends, classmates. Few people are willing to contact them, and they are indifferent to interpersonal relationships, or have been excluded in public places. In addition, it is possible that due to external reasons, ability problems, family conditions are not very superior, and I often feel that I am inferior to others.
This "humiliation" formed during growth will gradually internalize a person's self-awareness of "I have no value", "I am not worthy of being loved", and "no one will really care about me".
Even after entering society, they will put on the mask of "I am very confident" to disguise themselves, but in close relationships, they will be manipulated by this inherent thinking pattern.
2. Why does avoidant attachment always escape
● Your own fear
● The impact of parents on his growth
In childhood, parents did not establish confidence for him, and often criticized and suppressed him, making him lacking in solving problems independently, which led to his preference for using escape to solve problems in close relationships.
● Afraid of trouble, afraid of disputes and entanglements
dare not face the true emotions in your heart. Maybe they want to establish good communication with the other party in their hearts, but because of the defects in their personality, they dare not express it. They even think that as long as I don’t speak, this problem will pass
3. What are the characteristics of avoidant personality
● The boundaries of self are rigid, and the real thoughts of closed one’s own
Some people say that avoidant attachment portrait Cat lover . Because the characteristic of a cat is that the closer you get, the more it escapes; if you ignore it, it will come over and scratch you from time to time. Most people like
are not good at expressing themselves, so it is not that they are not good at communicating with you, but that they know how to express themselves.
● cannot get a sense of stability in intimacy
When an avoidant person falls in love with someone, he may not be so enthusiastic, and may even be very seldom proactive, or completely passive.
After confirming the relationship, this kind of person's instinctive reaction is to doubt the stability of the relationship. Simply put, in their world, they do not believe that intimacy will last. In their cognition, love is like a flash in the pan, fleeting, and no matter how beautiful it is, it is just a moment. They will think that only by leaving you can I feel safe.
● Self-worth is above emotional needs
People like this generally have the values of putting interests above emotional needs. Therefore, this type of people are usually stronger at work and relatively capable. On the contrary, they are very light on emotional needs, and even the requirements are really not high.
In their view of love, "salt effect" often appears. Everyone knows that salt is an indispensable seasoning in life. If you don't consume this ingredient for a long time, people will die, but if you consume too much, it will be unbearable. This is the "salt effect".
● Habitually devalue your partner
Degrade your partner's value to maintain a balance point in your heart.
4. How to establish a sense of dependence with such people?
has a benefit, it is easy to be led. Deep in his heart, he needs a leader, that is, he needs a person who is stronger than himself to be his psychological support, maybe like his parents, maybe like a leader, if you want to have a sense of dependence on such a person, then you have to be a strong person.
For example:
● Be able to be trusted by him so that he can feel safe and comfortable around you.
● You must be able to make him feel that he can be protected by you, and he can help him solve any problems when encountering
● You must "strictly take care of" him and be able to control him.
When you meet the above three points, he will feel dependent on you. If you want to rely on you, you will be able to lead him well.
5. How to be a leader.
● Compress the escape space
Because this kind of person lacks self-confidence, the more he lacks self-confidence, the more he feels that he can do nothing, and then he will have fear, followed by escape.
So if you want to give them some space, it might be better, then I'll say you're very wrong. This way of giving space can only make them more and more avoid it, and they will never take the initiative to solve the problem with you.
Then what we have to do is compress his escape space. Those messages will not have any effect on him at all. Even if he returns to you, he will be perfunctory or impatient.
so we have to invite him to meet him. If he doesn’t work once, it will be twice. Over time, this kind of face-to-face heart-to-heart talk will solve the problem very well.
After meeting, he has to face you. It is also under your pressure that he must meet you. There may be a situation during the meeting, which will show all kinds of bad faces and ignore them, but don’t be too nervous and afraid.
Because he is timid and also has a fear element, he may not be afraid of you, but because you pull him out of the state of escape through the behavior of meeting, making him feel like he is "like facing a great enemy". People like
are typical "problem-solving households", so when they know that they are facing solving problems, they will feel fear.
This is his innate inertia, and you are now breaking his inertia. That is to say, he finds that he has to face problems and has to face your pressure. At this time, he will panic and will not give you any good face, or even lose his temper. This is his instinctive reaction and resistance.
To give a simple example,
You like the neighbor's puppy, you want to touch it and hug it, but it always screams and bites at you, repels your mentality. You may not pay attention to it at once and you are bitten, but it does not want to hurt you, but it just reacts in an instinctive way and does not want you to get close to it. This is a sense of self-protection.
So when you go to find the other person, the other person is in this state. Many people will retreat or even be afraid when facing this situation, and feel that they have encountered tough problems. However, the most effective way to deal with such people is to lead toughly.
● Give him status
As the name suggests, it means letting him see your attitude, because your attitude will directly affect his status
● You can be blunt and tell him that you don’t avoid me, because it’s useless to avoid you. You do not hide from the first day of the lunar month or the fifteenth day of the lunar month. This time, you escaped, and next time I will insist on finding you until you explain the problem face to face.
At this time, he will also implant a " heart anchor " to him, which means that when he wants to escape, he will remember what you said. When you don't give him this space, he will appear in front of you and solve the problem with you.
● If he says "Are you annoying?", you have to tell him that I am not annoying, nor are I here to trouble you. I just want to solve the problem with you. Don't think this is a trouble, because some things cannot be eliminated with just one sentence.
At this time, the other party's inertia has not yet appeared, so you should persist in finding him. In short, don't leave any space for the other party to solve it with him.
● You can’t be timid. When dealing with this type of person, if you are weak, he will be strong. If you are strong, he will naturally be willing to give in.
But you can’t lose your temper or do it. You must describe your problems with yourself with reasonable standards and use a reasonable model to make the other party convince what you said.
People of this type have a feeling of being conquered in their hearts. If you convince them in theory, they think you are stronger than him. In fact, they don’t say it, but they also agree in their hearts. They will unconsciously feel that they are led by you.
is a state where he never lets him escape. After he comes back, he can chat with you on WeChat and establish connections on the Internet. Slowly, as this emotion increases, he will be completely within your control.
Establish benign communication and gradually develop into familiar chats. In the chat, leading the other party from emotions and talking about topics he is interested in. If he talks well, he will naturally date. Once the date is successful, you will give the other party a sense of security and trust, and once the relationship warms up, it will not be far from reunion. This is such a logical relationship.
So, when we are avoidant lovers break up, as long as we use effective methods to establish normal communication, then the emotional things that led to you breaking up will slowly disappear, and reconciliation is a matter of time.
During the process, we do not quarrel, we do not lose our temper, and we must rationally win back the other party so that he can see that you are strong and can lead him.
Psychological test: Test the words your ex wants to say to you most
1. Do you quarrel over trivial matters when you are together?
Yes, I often feel very tired —2
seldom argue about trivial matters —2
Occasionally, but I can make up soon —3
2. Do you think you are a person who likes to reflect on yourself and is willing to correct your mistakes?
is —3
is not —4
3. Will TA take the initiative to tell you about your troubles?
often says - 5
doesn't say much - 4
4. Will you tell your parents about the process of your love?
, and often complain to my parents. —6
, occasionally, they will talk about it when they ask. —5
, hardly say it, there is nothing to say —5
, there is nothing to say —5
5. How much energy are you willing to spend to get what you want?
Everything goes with the flow, it’s mine after all, it’s mine —7
Work hard, maybe you can succeed —6
Try your best, I have to get everything I want —B
6. Is it because a third party appeared?
Yes—A
No—7
7. Has the other party taken the initiative to contact you after breaking up?
Yes—D
No—Ch
