1. Correctly understand the psychological problems of children
1. In contrast, parents' own growth experience
2. The brain shaped by parents
3. Misunderstanding and consequences of modesty
2. Correctly deal with and solve the psychological problems of children
1. There is psychological problems
2. Closed communication channels
3. Changes to parents
4. Establish a good communication channels
5. If you have psychological diseases, you must seek medical treatment
6. Be a parent who is more encouraged and tolerant.
Gao Yueming:
1. Correctly understand the psychological problems of children
1. On the other hand, parents’ own experiences
Before talking about this topic today, let’s first look at whether you have ever been depressed when you were in school. Because of your poor academic performance, you have not satisfied your parents, or you have made various mistakes in your parents’ eyes in your life, and have been severely criticized, criticized, or even beaten by parents? Have you experienced a depressed state for a long time during this process? At this time, you will not be interested in anything and will feel very depressed and helpless.
The fact is that each of us has had such a similar experience.
Let’s look at it in contrast, why is a person not interested in something? In fact, the reason why we are not interested or "indulgent to live" is that we have suffered a serious psychological blow. If we do something that is not done well, we will be hit by criticism and accusation. Even if we do not receive the praise, praise and encouragement we should have, we will be hit in disguise. When we are hit, we lose confidence and interest in learning—in fact, it will generally become almost everything—at this time. I'll emphasize again, this is how we do anything. Especially when we are hit by our loved ones, our parents are hit the hardest.
Why is it so severely hit by parents? Because the status of parents in our hearts is supreme. This supremacy is not because of worship and liking, but because of nature. Why?
2. The brain shaped by parents
Because you are very young, the so-called very small means starting from the first day of birth, the recorded memory of the brain. The line template for all the neural connections in the brain - the basic template for understanding and analyzing the world, are all "carved" in your mind in the subtle influence of parents. Including all memories, preferences, dislikes, as well as all understandings of emotions, judgments of self, etc. Because this line template is the "original line connection", it is a natural connection that you cannot avoid and can only accept! Therefore, in your subconscious, who is the person you believe most? The answer is only your parents!
Every day you are held in your mother's arms, and every day you receive their language education, their language and way of thinking, fundamentally, are stamped in your brain like a seal. Maybe someone else scolds you, for example, you are a fool, and you won’t believe it. But when your parents say you are a fool, although you will resist emotionally, you will accept it subconsciously. As a result, you will behave like a "stupid". Although this is not the intention of parents, nor is it you are willing to do this, psychological rules will lead to such a result: if you believe in parents' words, you will be really portrayed as your parents' words!
I would like to emphasize again that the influence of parents on their children is supreme and irresistible, and children are unconditionally accepted by them in their subconscious mind. So when a child is not good at studying, parents will start to criticize, blame and complain about him. Although consciously the child has impedance , it will be completely accepted subconsciously. Remember what I said: "Accept it completely."
Everyone has seen hypnosis. After a person is hypnotized, he will unconditionally accept suggestive induction. For example, the hypnotist issued an order: to ask him to raise his hand, his arms become stiff, his eyes cannot be opened, he cannot stand up from his seat, etc. At this time, his subconscious mind completely accepted the hypnotist's instructions and would strictly implement them.Although in consciousness, he wanted to open his eyes or stand up from his seat, no matter how hard he struggled, he could not do it. Similarly, parents are the children's biggest "hypnotist", and their verbal hints are directly input into the children's subconscious. Although children will have impedance in consciousness, they will subconsciously fully accept the thoughts input by their parents. Children have no impedance ability to input this kind of content input into the subconscious. Therefore, the biggest subconscious input for children is their parents.
So from childhood to adulthood, all our personality preferences and emotional reactions to things are influenced by our parents in a subtle way. You have no ability to impede this subtle influence because this is your nature. So from a natural perspective, in the subconscious, what you value most is your parents’ knowledge and thoughts. Why do I keep emphasizing these sentences? Because I want everyone to understand that in the subconscious, if parents criticize their children, they will accept criticism; if you encourage them, they will accept encouragement! This is the key to all education!
Looking back now, we want to talk about a very important issue. In our traditional culture, there are some educational methods that do not conform to the principles of psychological science. For example, modesty. In fact, modesty itself is fine, but we cannot use it everywhere in education.
3. Misunderstanding and consequences of modesty
If you have a misunderstanding of "humility" and are generally generalized in education, then parents will often criticize and accuse them when educating their children. Most parents will think: "If I say you are happy, you will be proud. If I say you are bad, you will work harder!" In fact, the same is true for our family and friends. For example, in most cases, you point out the other person’s mistakes out of kindness, with the goal of getting the other person to correct them. However, although this method of correcting mistakes is correct and also required, it is used in education. If this kind of criticism and correction of mistakes accounts for too much, few will be effective, and most of them will be invalid. Even your friends or relatives don’t like you to review their mistakes frequently, and they don’t need to be such “small injuries” every day. Therefore, driven by this wrong psychology, many parents criticize their children more than encourage them, and ask their children to be more humble and reflect on their mistakes!
I have also had this situation. For example, grandpa once said, "Even if you do a good job, I won't say you are good. Because you will be proud, you have to work harder and reflect on your mistakes." It's not that my grandpa doesn't love me, but that 90% of our educational methods are criticism and accusations. This kind of criticism and accusation may be in line with some of our moral culture, but it does not conform to the principles of psychological science and does not conform to the scientific educational methods. Too much criticism and accusation will cause us psychological depression and anxiety, which will cause a huge blow to our confidence, and cause us to lose interest and confidence in everything!
We do not do well, and parents will blame us. When we do well, parents will still blame us: "Tell you not be proud!" This will be a "storm" at any time. Under the storm, it is difficult for "little trees" to grow, and the same is true for our psychological world. With the constant accusations of parents, some people may grow tenaciously. But you have to know that in fact, many people are not tenacious in their hearts, and our hearts are very fragile. Look at yourself, even if you are an adult now, are you very strong? Not strong! Your heart is easily angered by a word, and you will immediately enter a state of depression or anxiety because of a word or a small thing.
Many times our mentality is very weak, so our children are even more like this. Don't expect him to be stronger than you. Each of us has emotions. In fact, everyone’s psychology is not as strong as you imagined. Everyone has various psychological problems, so today I want to give you the biggest warning: As parents, you must reflect on your educational methods.
Children will feel ashamed of their parents’ criticism, accusations and complaints.Parents’ criticism and accusations will make their children experience shame and self-blame again and again. In this case, the child will lose interest and hope for the related things. If this continues to be severe, he will experience short-term depression. If this situation exists for a long time, it may lead to the child's sense of shame becoming more and more serious, fall into frequent self-negation, become extremely unconfident, and then experience a long-term depression. Sometimes this strong sense of shame makes him want to find a crack in the ground, and he wishes he could cut himself into pieces. He will feel that he is worthless and has no value. He is simply a waste and does not deserve to live in the world. As his parents sometimes say, "You might as well die." In the end, it is possible that he will develop to this point. He uses suicide to relieve the extreme pain caused by shame and helplessness!
Some time ago, a friend's child became a school-loving state. I talked with this child for three hours, and the most critical question he expressed was: no matter how good he did, he did not receive the encouragement he deserved in his family, including his father and mother, and he was very strict. He was criticized by almost everyone, and he felt that he had lost the trust of almost everyone, including his grandfather, grandma, uncle, uncle, and aunt. This child is very good at studying, but in his impression, no one gives him encouragement. Everyone criticized, accused and distrusted, as if they had been negotiated. It was like everyone took a bow and arrow and shot it at him. He was already scarred and no longer interested in anything.
No matter how much parents think they love their children, the result is that the children have psychological problems such as depression or anxiety. Parents have the responsibility to have such problems. Parents should not expect their children to be more rational and stronger than themselves. I give this example, so that you can look back on yourself: although criticism and accusation are ways to correct behavior, it also has a strong punitive nature. Although such a method is useful to a certain extent, its effectiveness in education only accounts for a small part. You should use 80% of your language to encourage your children. If a family encourages their children in 80% of the cases, it will be difficult for the child to experience school aversion or severe depression.
I would like to emphasize again: in some traditional cultures, there are some one-sided views on education. As everyone advocates, parents tell their children to be more humble, reflect on their mistakes, and parents strictly discipline their children, or concepts such as "a stick produces a filial son, and a kindness is not righteous." In fact, in modern education, it does not conform to the educational methods of psychological science.
For example, "A stick produces a filial son, and a kindness brings no righteous son" is just a part of the individual educational experience of some people in a specific social environment. It is possible that a prodigal son will turn back with one blow, but this is not a universal truth. In fact, in the statistics of psychological science, children living in an environment of more encouragement, tolerance and love are more mentally healthy, know more about love and gratitude, and have more filial piety. For example, whether abroad or at home, many families have no "sticks" every day. The children they are eventually trained are very caring and filial when they become adults, and have made great contributions to society. Those unfilial children are not the reason for "no sticks", but the reason for spoiling. For example, the "bad boys" we see experienced excessive spoiling or excessive indifference from their parents when they were young. From another perspective, what you want is a positive, mentally healthy, hard-working and confident child, rather than simply asking him to be filial as an adult. If you simply ask him to be filial and add sticks to each other every day, wouldn’t you be too selfish? For education, it must conform to the modern and mature scientific concepts, rather than copying and copying some one-sided moral concepts.
For me personally, my parents often criticize and accuse me of my education, and left some "scars" in my heart, which affected my preferences, personality, etc.Although I walked out tenaciously, there were actually some people who were not so lucky and were knocked down directly, which was very unfortunate!
There are two other points that need to be clarified:
1. Psychological problems are hereditary. For example, some of our children have psychological problems, which may be caused by their parents, grandparents, or grandparents.
2. Girls are more likely to have psychological problems than boys. A survey shows that during puberty, girls are twice as likely to suffer from depression than boys. This 2:1 ratio runs throughout adolescence and adulthood. This is determined by the different psychological characteristics of men and women.
For example, most boys are not particularly afraid of seeing small insects or mice. But most girls will scream when they see little bugs and mice. What I want to express is that girls are more susceptible to psychological suggestion. By the same token, criticism, accusation or complaint will have a greater impact on girls. Because it's gender. Gender determines the differences in brain structure-related areas and determines children's response to the world in certain aspects. This is caused by evolution and not by acquired learning. This point needs to be clarified.
Everyone should understand psychological phenomenon clearly. The clearer you understand, the more you can know what it is, and then how to deal with it, and what should you do if your child has psychological problems?
2. Correctly respond to and solve the psychological problems that children have
1. Psychological problems
0 are often criticized by parents or have bad relationships with classmates, and children often suffer from depression. What is depression? Depression means that you can no longer be interested in anything and have no hope for anything. To put it in an analogy, a person's mood is like a severely corroded iron fence that is about to collapse and is about to collapse and crush!
When the child has these problems, in fact, his understanding of the surrounding environment has been made incorrectly and his understanding of himself has also been made incorrectly. He didn't know how to get along with people, he completely lost confidence, he didn't know what the real situation in this world was, he turned everything into hostility because he had no communication channels. He may only have a few good friends. For example, the child I talked about had only two good friends. When his two good friends were here, his studies were positive and he was interested. But after these two friends transferred to school, he completely lost his psychological support and had no interest in anything. This child had clear ambitions before. His ambition was to be a judge, but his mother did not agree with it. He had a relative who promised him that as long as he graduated, he could arrange a good job for him. This decision from his parents about understanding was also a big blow to him!
Because a child’s ambition is his own, parents must not impose their will on their children. And 80% of the cases, a person said when he was a child what he would do in the future. In fact, when he really grew up, he had a career that was different from his ambitions or wishes at that time. That is to say, this may be the ideal or ambition of the child at that time, but it may not be certain after he truly graduated. So don't dispel his ideals and wishes. Although you think this ideal may be illusory. We know that no president knows that he will be president in the future when he is born. Therefore, you should encourage your child’s ideals or ambitions and not attack him. The key to the problem is not whether he has realized his ideal, but that he will make great efforts to this ideal! The result is not important. What is important is that he improves his abilities for his ideal purpose. This life experience and experience are the most important.
2. Closed communication channel
Let’s go back and talk about communication issues. Once a child has psychological problems, the channel between the parents and the child will basically be half closed. Even if there is communication, the effect is limited.
I will use hypnosis as an example, because hypnosis can best illustrate the problem. The communication channels between the hypnotized person and the hypnotist are 100% smooth.The hypnotized person absolutely believes in the hypnotist and can only be hypnotized in such a situation. But you cannot hypnotize between relatives, such as siblings, or between parents and children who have already had psychological problems, or between friends who are more familiar with you. Because in their subconscious, they do not believe each other. What I am talking about now refers to prestige hints, rather than the general "belief" that everyone understands in life. Only by believing in the subconscious mind is “true belief”. For example, people who are familiar with each other will not have mutual worship.
Generally speaking, the way to enter the subconscious is to hypnotize a person and then tell him how to do it, and he will do it. This is a way. The second way is to believe in someone who absolutely believes in him. You can not hypnotize him. He believes in whatever you say directly, such as the doctor and his parents. This is hypnosis in a waking state. When we believe in one thing, it is actually being hypnotized. This is a broad definition of hypnosis.
When the child has psychological problems, the communication channels are actually half closed. Imagine that you have been unable to communicate clearly for several years. Can you communicate clearly suddenly? The child has been growing by your side for more than ten years and has psychological problems. So can you free him from this in a short period of time? It's very difficult! Why?
3. It is difficult for parents to change themselves by themselves. Unless the parents make huge changes, in fact, the prestige of parents in their children's subconscious has been greatly reduced. Even if they say the same words as psychological counselors, the effect will be greatly reduced or even invalid. And the most important thing is that parents cannot change themselves. When parents talk to their children, they will soon slide into the past thinking and education model. This is the character and thinking pattern that everyone has formed for a long time, and it is difficult for anyone to make huge changes in a short period of time!
You must remember that people’s thinking patterns are subconscious. Do you think you can change your thinking patterns or education methods? Unless you experience major setbacks or major events, or you have been thoroughly educated or seriously educated, you can change your ideas and education model.
I have a friend who, because of his poor academic performance and his strict education, eventually caused his child to feel severe depression. It was not until he finally took a leave of school and his parents sought medical treatment everywhere. Only then did the parents truly look back on themselves and their parents' education methods changed. Although the education method has changed, it is already a step too late. What I want to express is that psychological prevention is the most important thing before the child gets sick. So for everyone, you should look at yourself, whether your criticism, accusation, and complaints are effective, and whether you should change it.
Take me as an example, and I think my own father is the same. I don't think his criticism, accusations, and complaints have played an educational role in me. Even if there are, there are very few. On the contrary, there are some words of encouragement that I will never forget in my life. Now I will always remember it. I miss my father very much!
Let’s look at our parents. So, we should change our education model. Everyone needs to reflect on themselves, why should they reflect on themselves? Look at your parents, how do you feel under your parents’ education? Yes, this is the best example. We ourselves need to know how to effectively educate our own children.
4. Establish a good communication channel
When a child has psychological problems, it is difficult for parents to have a positive therapeutic effect on the child. We should establish a good communication channel for him. This communication channel is not possible for friends. I just said that friends cannot hypnotize each other. So who can do it? In fact, teachers, doctors, and psychological counselors are all OK. These people are people with strong prestige and hints. You may have more options. But relatives are not good, especially close relatives. On the surface, it may be OK. The child listens to you in everything, but in fact he does not accept it subconsciously.
In general, the teacher is only responsible for the time being. He is not a professional psychological counselor, so he will not give advice from a psychological perspective or a therapeutic perspective. A doctor in mental illness is OK, but he just makes some diagnosis and gives some medication. Long-term psychological counseling and treatment are also impossible. Therefore, a psychological counselor is the best choice, and a psychological counselor can give you a long-term counseling. Remember: the long-term is very important, and it will only be effective in the long term. You must establish a long-term effective communication channel with your children.
What I am talking about now is that when a child has a problem or an adult has a psychological problem, it is best to have a psychological counselor to provide long-term psychological counseling guidance. How long is it? Not necessarily, half a year, a year, or even a few years. Don’t think that the problem can be solved in one or two months. Mild or very mild psychological problems can be solved in a short period of time. However, in severe cases, long-term consultation and treatment are required. The longer the time, the better the effect. Children or adults suffering from severe depression need an effective communication channel. This channel can be given by a psychological counselor.
5. If you have mental illness, you must go to the doctor
. Another thing is that when there is a real problem, whether it is a child or an adult, when there are symptoms of depression, you must go to the mental illness hospital for diagnosis and ask the doctor to give medication treatment first. Drug treatment is effective. Why? For example, some people love smoking, and some people love drinking. What will happen after smoking and drinking? The mood will be in a relatively relaxed and pleasant state. It shows that changing the chemical environment of our brain will have an impact on our emotions.
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For example, in some foreign movies, we will see some characters, who all have their own psychiatrists. You see, this person seems to be very healthy, but in fact he has psychological problems. Let’s look at the biographies of great men from abroad, and many people have psychological problems. So, if anyone without a completely healthy person has more or less problems with mental health, he will experience all kinds of depression, anxiety and other things. I mean, don’t think that psychological problems are not diseases, in fact, psychological problems are diseases, and you need to treat and prevent them early.
When a child is tired of studying, or shows such a situation, you must pay attention to him. Don't think he'll be fine in two days. Maybe he will be better in two days, so will the next time, and will it get better next time, and will it get worse? Due to the cumulative effect, the last straw that broke the camel's back was likely to collapse completely after a certain blow and fall into the abyss of depression!
Let me give you an example. A small wound was cut by a knife. Generally speaking, will this wound heal? It will definitely be good. It will be fine in about a week. But what if it is infected? It won't be good after one week, and it won't be good for two weeks. If you use anti-inflammatory drugs, you may recover after three weeks. However, if you do not use anti-inflammatory drugs and it will continue to be infected, then it is possible that the person will die in the end. Those who commit suicide by depression are "dead in the end"!
I mean, if the disease of depression is allowed to develop, it may be very serious. When a person experiences a short or short-term depression and anxiety, for example, if a child is scolded by you, you think he may have forgotten it after a while, but in fact he has not forgotten it. This memory is suppressed into his subconscious mind. Why? Do you think he won't remember it in his life? Yes, and he will often think of it, and even have a direct impact on how he understands the world and how he experiences his emotional life. Why am I so sure? Because that's how we come here. You can now reflect on the beating or scolding your father or mother, or encouragement you, but in fact, the more you think about it, the more you think about it. The same is true for your child. At that time, your parents thought you had forgotten, but how could they actually forget this? They are all suppressed into their subconscious minds, and they often appear in dreams. It will have a direct impact on our emotions and our ideological and cognitive decisions.
6. Be a parent who is more encouraged and tolerant
Now sometimes I think of my father’s image, a certain sentence he said, a certain action or a certain expression in a certain place. My father passed away last year and I missed my father very much. When I remembered that when I was seriously ill, my father encouraged me and said some helpless words. When my father went to the hospital to deliver money to me, "Take out all the money at home for you", then my father turned around and left. I looked at his back as he walked away, and I felt despair and my infinite gratitude to my father!
In fact, each of us can recall our parents' encouragement, abuse, accusations and criticisms, or some other daily life scenes and events. You must remember: all your emotions, all your feelings, and everything is controlled by your memory, and your memory is your subconscious mind. Our reaction to the outside world comes from what we have experienced before, that is, experience. We have a lot of experience in our brains. Sometimes we have analytical errors, which lead to depression or anxiety. This is because we have insufficient experience in the past or because we have had the wrong experience.
I would like to emphasize again: parents have imprinted a lot of experience in each of our brains. If this experience leads to a person's depression or anxiety, it is the responsibility of the parents. You have to look at yourself and how you should treat your children. It’s the same thing I said before, try not to criticize, accuse or complain as much as possible. We should encourage him more, love him more, tolerate him more, and understand him more. Where are the saints and perfect people in the world? Even you make mistakes frequently. You can forgive yourself, why don’t you forgive the person you love?
Essentially, there are no bad people in the world, and your child will not think he is bad, it is just that he has not realized his mistakes. You just need to let him realize the mistakes he made and let him understand the reasons for his mistakes. When he realizes this, if he commits it again, you can give it accordingly. But it doesn’t necessarily mean criticizing, accusing, or complaining. Never just vent your negative emotions. Doing that is meaningless and will have negative effects. We should encourage and understand more. In life, we do not need to be "completely correct" and "right everywhere". Life is life, mixed with right and wrong, bitter and sweet. It is very important to recognize this. A child who grows up in such an environment, even if he has a genetic influence and is prone to depression or anxiety, he will develop a personality that he cannot have mental illnesses such as depression.
Let me emphasize again, that is, everyone should pay attention to children’s psychological problems. Maybe you blame and complain to your child, but he doesn’t respond in two days, and it’s over! You think you can criticize him fiercely next time and he may correct it. In such a case, it is possible to perform 5 times, 10 times, or 100 times without any problem. But if it is 200 times or 500 times, one day he will be knocked down by you. Once you are knocked down, it will be difficult to get up again. Even if you get up, you will be covered in injuries. It is impossible to go back to the past. So be more tolerant, understand, encourage and love. As parents, everyone must reflect on this.
