It has been eight years since I first experienced what depression is today. It has relapsed once during this period, the third year after the first diagnosis. It took about half a year to control the symptoms for the first time. From the initial panic to the ability to face it positively, and enduring the torture and torture of nearly half a year, the dawn finally ushered in with the correct medication and the understanding and tolerance of family members.
The process of overcoming depression by itself seems extremely easy among many tortured cases. This gave me the illusion that it was not that difficult to deal with depression. Under this psychological effect, I began to try to study ways to deal with depression, and in the process I felt more and more confident.
This is an extremely happy time. I feel fulfilled and satisfied every day, and my thinking is different from the previous agility, clear logic, and full of energy. Running to fight depression has now become a habit, with the distance of running extending from five kilometers to full horses and cross-country horses. Never participate in the running group, I just like to run by myself. During the running, I am often inexplicably moved. Every breakthrough, the breeze blowing through my body, and some fragments of my memory will make me cry. The laughter is getting lower and lower, and people are becoming more and more tolerant of things. There is no hatred or complaint in my heart, and there is only a kind of joy of living in a desperate situation...
This series of changes made me believe that " Anyone who can get out of depression will become a real strongman " is true. So, I think I've done it. During this period, I brag about my family countless times that I will never be depressed again, and even shouted arrogantly: Let the depression come more violently...
The happy days made me happy, and I thank myself from the bottom of my heart for being baptized by depression . But I don’t know that this is actually a transition from depression to mania. Fortunately, it is just a symptom of hypochondriasis, a state that every patient with bipolar disorder is extremely yearning for.
This state made me face it with a rational and calm attitude when I experienced major changes in my work during this period, and I felt no turmoil in my heart. This made me more convinced that I had completely come out.
As time goes by, the pleasure brought by hypomania gradually fades away, and occasionally feeling depressed. A happy running can always resolve it until one day...
The changes in work made me choose to start a business. The business was not going well, but with the blessing of the pathological excitement brought by hypomania, I did not lose my confidence prematurely. Because at this moment there was a certain belief hidden in my heart: I have lived out myself and took everything lightly. Depression cannot defeat me, what else can stop me? The world will change because of me, and one day I will soar into the sky and make a splash.
Life continues to its pace, everything has not changed as hysterical, and emotions slowly turn from low to anxiety. The overwhelming confidence began to fade, and the long-lost sense of lack and helplessness came back.
I really have to thank myself for keeping my emotions alert.
After sensing that my emotions began to continue to deteriorate, and there was an uncontrollable trend, I began to run wildly and picked up the methods I used to fight depression... However, there was not much improvement, and the haze of depression once again enveloped my heart!
This recurrence did not last long, because when I found that my will alone could no longer fight against depression, I drove to the hospital, found the former doctor, and was directly hospitalized.
went home in less than a week, not because the symptoms completely recovered, but because the Spring Festival was the week later...
After opening in the first month of business, its condition has begun to develop in a better direction and soon resurrected with full blood.
This time, I began to re-examine myself and seriously recall how I slipped from a good state into the vortex of depression.
After the first recovery from depression, most of my reflection on myself is concentrated on external factors, such as human nature, my words and deeds, my helplessness in life, etc. It seems that I have seen the coldness of the world clearly and seems to have mastered the mystery of life.I think I have found a breakthrough point in depression, and the life I want can be easily obtained. I definitely didn't realize that I had actually gone from one extreme to another.
So, when I came out for the second time, I no longer focused on external factors, but on my own changes. Follow it and find the real reason.
Two different experiences made me see the same fact: The fear brought by depression and the excitement brought by mania do not exist in real existence, they are just an illusion, a kind of thinking carnival that is separated from reality .
When you are depressed, the imagined fear is even more real and terrible than death. However, after you come out, you find that nothing happened; when you are hypomanic, the confidence you generate is real as if you can control everything and do everything. It is not until the depression returns to you that these are fantasies.
Both states are not my true appearance. The real me is gone at this time, only the emotions that are either low or high are swaying my life.
Only after I realized this truth did I really find the reason for my depression, that is, I rely too much on and believe in the thoughts in my brain in life, but seriously ignore the true feelings in my heart, so that I lost control over my emotions and lost myself in my fantasy...
It is from this change that shifting attention from my mind became the primary task .
Eastern religious philosophy made me realize what the truth pointed out by "empty" is, while the thinking in my brain tried to find eternity in this "empty"; modern Western philosophy let me know how the "power of the present" resolves this contradiction and how to make myself live in the present; and modern psychology let me learn to resolve the "golden rule" of unreasonable beliefs about others or the surrounding environment, that is, " treats others like how you want others to treat you."
This is a real change!
From then on, low or high emotions will still appear, but I no longer go with the flow as usual and let it mercy. Instead, I can observe how they rise and develop from the perspective of bystanders, and then track the stories hidden behind them, and see clearly how thinking evolves an imagined event into an emotion. What changes will happen if
gets to this point?
has nothing changed. When I see this scene, it means that I have gotten rid of it, just like a person you see through. No matter what he says, you will never believe him anymore.
In fact, when I observe the story behind the emotions, my thinking is acting like a lie and the mouth shuts.
says that there is no change, it is actually a bit absolute, at least one has changed - the " In a Thought" 's consciousness turned from left to right, and then from right to middle, life is still the same, but the world in my eyes has undergone earth-shaking changes...
When I focus elsewhere, it will chatter endlessly, and once I notice it, it will stop. The process of arise and observation ranges from one day to a few hours, and then to a few minutes. I don’t know how many times I repeated it, both of them began to happen at the same time. Once the emotions arise, I will immediately observe the thinking , so I changed from being controlled by emotions to being controlled by me.
The word "awareness", I only realized what it is at this time - It is the observer, the consciousness of thinking activities, , according to emotions. When I realized the changes brought about by ascension awareness, awareness no longer lie dormant, but became more and more alert, like a conscientious sentry, observing every move of emotions at all times.
I can finally be myself!
