With the start of school in the fall of 2020, a series of things that happened in high school, that is, high school, have happened for a full ten years. If I hadn't come to me so seriously this day, I wouldn't have had such a deep feeling, nor would I realize that only after I completely let go of the past, especially psychological counseling, can I completely cut off the negative impact it had on me.
I regard letting go of psychological counseling as the last step to get out of the shadow of high school, because I found that over the years, the word "psychology" has gone off the line again and again. The reason for this result was that I started with the experience of psychological counseling in my senior year. So leaving "psychology" means that I have healed my psychology.
2020.9.1 night, remember
Preface: Everything you want to escape will always be bound by you.
1. Learning crisis
Twelve years ago, that year, I was 16 years old and was admitted to the first high school in the county. In my father's words, it was "the highest institution of learning in the county". He felt quite glorious, so he personally sent me to school on the day of school. At that time, I was also very excited. It can be said that I was "strong and fierce" and quite "spirited to the sky". My academic performance was at the forefront of the class, so I also served as the class monitor, which made me and everyone around me feel that my future will be bright.
At the beginning, everything seemed so natural. With my good learning foundation and habits, I listened carefully to the teacher's lectures in class, took detailed notes, worked hard to memorize texts, remember words, and did various exercises... Naturally, I was praised by the teacher and got better results in the exam... I also hoped that things could continue to develop in this plot, but the good times did not last long, and things quickly changed. Until now, I feel that the most glorious period of my life is over soon.
probably started to change significantly before the subject was divided, and at the same time, I fell in love with literature, so I started to spend a lot of time reading extracurricular literature books. Now that I think about it, if I had based on my own feelings, I might have directly chosen liberal arts, but due to the advice of my parents and class teacher, I chose science. I still remember before the subject was divided, the head teacher called me out and patted me on the shoulder and said, "You are suitable for academic theory." In addition, the concept of "focusing on science and over literature" has always been popular, so I followed the crowd and signed up for science.
After the subject classification, my grades became worse and worse. At the beginning, I felt very upset and regretful, and felt that I had disappointed the expectations of parents and teachers, so I really wanted to catch up and restore my former glory and glory. I even conducted a review in the class and said that I was "very unbearable" at that time and decided to change my past mistakes.
But later, my thoughts began to decline. In order to pursue the so-called "self" and "personality", I began to hate the current education system and methods, and dislike parents and teachers. I am still proud of it.
2. Being persuaded to drop out of school
Just like that, because my grades are hopeless to recover, and my thoughts have gone astray, I began to become more and more unreasonable, and I feel a little "unrestrained". Not only did I have a mess in various subjects, I even despise my studies, and I read books even more unscrupulously. Not only did I blatantly read extracurricular books in class, but I also ignored the teacher's discipline. What's more terrifying is that the "useless theory of reading" began to look up in my mind, thinking that learning in class is "destroying" myself... All these things are all. The conflict between me and my class teacher was getting bigger and bigger. The position of class monitor was removed. I also criticized and advised me in the early stage, but later I simply stopped caring about me.
Just like that, after the second year of high school, all the accumulated problems finally broke out.
It should have been not long after the start of high school in the fall of 2010, the head teacher saw that I was hopeless to turn back, so he called me to the office. In fact, he had notified my father and told him about my situation, so he decided to let me drop out of school.
—What a thunderbolt on the sunny day! Call parents! Being persuaded to drop out of school! I didn't expect that the crisis of going to school would be placed in front of me in this way. My father couldn't understand and could not accept it. I, who had always been obedient since childhood, actually did such a thing and fell into such a situation. At that time, he was so angry that he burst into tears and beat me hard. But I refused to admit my mistakes and was still promoting the views and reasons I thought were correct at that time. Seeing that I had no intention of repentance, the teacher was completely desperate. He didn't know that he was just saying that he wanted to convince his father, and he really thought so, so he told my father that I might have psychological problems and suggested that I go to Nanyang for psychological counseling.
3. Psychological consultation
Psychological problems? What kind of interpretation will this give? Based on my experience and feelings at that time, even when I was in high school in the county, I would think of this person first - is his brain broken? Improper mental illness? Such words are enough to destroy a person's psychology. Even if there is no problem, if you post such a label, the problem will follow, not to mention that it is in the countryside where the concept is relatively backward and conservative. My father might not know that this might be just a teacher's statement, but he took it seriously, so he pushed me into another abyss...
I think my father might have adopted the "advice" to the head teacher at that time, and more of it should be out of concern for me, because after all, "psychological problems" are still a difficult problem for most people now, so it is better to solve it early.
So, after returning home, my family took me to Nanyang Central Hospital for "treatment". I don’t know if the attending doctor was not there or because of professional problems, the hospital recommended me to another person who was doing psychological counseling elsewhere. In this way, I remember that the first time I went to Nanyang was to have a psychological consultation. It seemed like I spent 200 yuan at that time. I remember that after chatting with the counselor for a while that day, he said something that he had no major problems and ended in a hurry, saying that he wanted to come again, but because he didn't say what was going on, his family in the countryside really had limited understanding of psychological counseling issues, so he didn't take me to continue consultation.
My first psychological counseling experience was left unresolved.
4. The trip to Zhengzhou
Maybe it was because my self-esteem was hit unprecedentedly, maybe I was a little unwilling to give up. In addition, after I got home, I clearly felt that if I didn’t go to school, I really didn’t want to go on like this, so I didn’t want to continue like this, so I said I would go to Zhengzhou to become a disciple - to visit teachers in the literary world. My family had no choice but to do anything to me, so they agreed. They probably considered that if the road to school was not working, it would be a solution to stay at home all the time. Then just go there and go out and try it out. Thinking about it now, my parents’ disappointment with me must have reached the extreme.
That's it. In November 2010, I came to Zhengzhou with what I usually wrote, lived at my aunt's house, and started my trip to Zhengzhou...
It was during this trip to Zhengzhou that I met my first literary teacher, Teacher Li Haibo, and made a decision that affected my life - transfer to a subject.
At that time, I first came to No. 98 Jingsan Road based on the address of " Selected Essays ". When I saw the big words "Henan Academy of Literature" written on the gate, I was extremely excited and thought that this was the highest literary hall in the province. "The people in the book" are really not bullying me! I hesitated at the door for a while and then bravely walked into the door. After walking in, I was still in a hurry. I was both happy and scared. I wandered in the corridor for a long time and didn't dare to knock on the door. Later, I thought that this might be the closest time I had with literature in my life, so I plucked up the courage to knock on the door of the editorial department of "Selected Essays".
The one who received me was Mr. Li Haibo, who was the editorial director of "Selected Essays" at that time. I first showed Teacher Li’s works that I was immature and explained my purpose, and we started talking about literature and writing. I remember that he solemnly said to me, "You must work hard when you do literature!" After talking about my situation and current situation in school, he advised me, "You still have to go back to study now. When you get admitted to university, you can do what you like." Speaking of this, although I was a little reluctant, this was a piece of advice from the literary predecessors I respected, so I listened to it a little, so I had a sudden inspiration and found a way for myself and said, "Then I will go back to the liberal arts, how about it!" Teacher Li said, "Of course it's good." So in this way, I stopped, returned to school, transferred to the liberal arts, and took the second year's college entrance examination, until now.
That day, Teacher Li gave me the book "Old Village" he had just published at that time, which became the most precious proof of this incident. The signature date above is November 7, 2010. I was 18 years old at the time.
What needs to be added here is that when I visited Zhengzhou and transferred to the liberal arts, I also received encouragement from a relative who worked as a reporter in Beijing. Although he was behind the scenes, it increased my courage. It was crucial for me who was unconfident at the time.
5. Conclusion
Although the high school incident came to an end, the school crisis was resolved, but this series of events had a huge impact on my psychology, causing me to fall into a psychological crisis that lasted for ten years. Later, I learned and mastered metacognitive intervention technology and gradually got out of the psychological dilemma. Therefore, I contacted Mr. Li Haibo again on the Dragon Boat Festival in 2014 with the opportunity of Yu Guangzhong's behavior in Henan. However, these are all later stories...
Looking back now, my above practices are not appropriate enough, too reckless, and even are simply wrong. If I had not met Teacher Li Hai that day, nor did I have the enthusiastic reception and patient persuasion of Teacher Li, then maybe my achievements in education for more than ten years would be wasted, and where would I go? Now that I think about it, I feel a little scared. I am also lucky in this regard, so I am grateful to those who have helped me in the process, and also apologize to those who have been hurt by me.
I am the source of all problems. All the mistakes were caused by me! And I also earned the bitter fruits that followed. For the past ten years, I have been escaping and distorting the past and myself...
Everything you want to escape will always bind you. The same is true for the past. Whether it is good or bad, right or wrong, it happened like that. All we can do is to face up to and accept its existence, and then we can talk about letting go and learn lessons and wisdom from it. This invisible inner change is the real and best change, isn’t it?
2020.9.1 After changing
I originally thought that after writing the article, it means that I can let go of the past or reach a certain state, but my various performances and facts prove that this is not the case. It was not until now that I felt like I let go of some deeper obsessions about the past. When I stopped entangling with the past, I felt relieved and felt much more relaxed inside. It seems that nothing is what you think or what you say. There is a distance between thinking and doing, and it requires process and practice.
2020.9.1 postscript
