Parents want their children to grow up healthily! But the reality is often not perfect, and the psychological problems of children in the current society are becoming more and more common, often due to one or other reasons, causing the whole family to be in pain. The following is a family therapist's observation of children's psychological problems, which deeply explores the root causes of family pain and children's psychological problems.
Observation 1 Strength
A wife who likes to complain that her husband is a cartilage doesn't know, and she happens to be the reason why his bones are getting weaker.
In the child’s early psychological development, the mother’s role is far greater than that of the father. Consider that the child is gradually separated from the mother's body and embrace. You believe that there is nothing wrong with this view.
The relationship with the mother almost determines whether everyone has enough sense of security, intimacy, happiness and growth motivation. But his father was an important partner and guide in his initial growth and self-identification.
When facing adults and children suffering from neurotic conflict (fear, depression, anxiety, etc.) and behavioral disorders, we can often find a very strict, correct and responsible mother or There is a careful father like a strict mother.Because such a mother must be a very reasonable person. She always does things rationally. She is diligent and conscientious. When a mother is a wife, she should be very serious. When you talk to them, you often feel a little short of breath and feel a little guilty.
Balance is the first principle of family relations, and tilt is another balance.
In clinical treatment, it is often observed that the mother’s role is too strong, which weakens the role of the father in the growth of the child, and is even forced to leave the family’s intimate and parenting relationships.
Due to the imbalance, there is no psychological buffer space in the interaction between the child and the mother due to the father’s insertion, and the right to make adaptive choices in parental behavior is also lost. Simplify to obedience and disobedience. Over time, the motivation for growth is suppressed, and the desire for change and confrontation is exhausted, leading to a delay in the development of the child's mind and nature.
In fact, most children's behavior disorders are initially directed at the family, especially the closest person-the mother. For children to change, parents must take the lead in making changes.
Observation two people who do not do things span
22pNever do something wrong! People who do things always start from making mistakes."Double bondage" is the classic description of a contradictory situation in family dynamics by family therapy master Bateson. He believes: "Double bondage is a situation where parents or between parents and children There is an obvious contradiction between the level of relationship and the level of content during inter-communication, which makes family communication develop a contradictory uncertainty. Family members do not know whether the other party cares about themselves or complains about themselves.”
Just as the father said, "I do this to love you!", the child knows that the next disaster may be imminent. In traditional culture, parents like to hide their anger towards their children in a seemingly caring for their children. The parents who have a bad relationship with their children, the easier it is to vent their dissatisfaction with their children through "education". As a result, children have been in a paradoxical situation where the content level is cared for and the relationship level is hurt for a long time, and they cannot comment or resist these contradictory information.
Slowly, children will use contradictory information to escape punishment, use distorted behaviors to deal with all relationships, lose the ability to develop a correct understanding of themselves and others, and delay personality differentiation.
mother angrily said to her daughter: "Look at 15 years old, and you don't want to share a little housework for your mother. You are so lazy!" It means expressing a kind of expectation for the growth of your children and expressing another one. Kind of disappointment and complaint to her daughter. The daughter needs to balance the mother's emotions and feel that something should be done. The daughter said to her mother: "Well, I'll mop the floor." It expresses a kind of obedience, even a kind of deliberate flattery, but there is a kind of defense hidden in the heart, afraid of continuing to communicate with the mother. When the daughter is mopping the floor, if the mother is praised, the answer is successful and the heart is satisfied, and the mopping behavior becomes the driving force for growth.
But my mother shouted: "Look at the ground you are dragging! It's better not to drag.Raising you so big, you can't even mop the floor! "My daughter is forced to be in a position where he can't respond and is in a dilemma. In any case, he will lose, and there will be no way out of change or the same. Don't drag the ground, but continue to endure the mother's accusations and complaints; Tolerating the mother’s new accusations and complaints is always unhappy. The contradictory information from the mother has weakened the motivation for the children’s growth. The child’s feeling is: "In any case, I can’t get rid of the mother’s dissatisfaction with me. "
Appreciate children’s laughter and love, and accept their tears and anger. Dear parents create a sky of their own for their children. Under this sky, the children’s true self Only then can it take root, sprout, and one day it will grow into a towering tree.
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