This year, I spent more than 3 months losing weight. From late spring and early summer to late autumn and early winter.
After losing 17 kilograms, I, who was originally a normal body, got what I wanted and became skinny.
Weight loss comes at a price, I know this from beginning to end.
So when eating disorders and endocrine disorders come together, I told myself: I don’t care, as long as I can lose weight;
When I exercise every day and have no time to accompany my family, I told myself: I don’t care, as long as I can lose weight;
When I start to suffer from insomnia due to lack of carbohydrates and feel depressed in daily life, I still firmly told myself: No matter what, as long as I can lose weight.
I feel this blind "being thinner" is gnawing on my reason little by little. My behavior and emotions seemed to have become its slave. In my mind, the same voice circulated day and night: lose weight, lose weight, lose weight...
When my mother tried to persuade me not to diet again with a worried look, I interrupted her irritably. After that, he began to blame himself deeply.
My exhausted sanity told me that I was sliding towards an uncontrollable obsession. But my body didn't care, and it decided to continue to torture myself.
Finally, one day at the beginning of October, I arrived at Rome .
I stood barefoot on the scale, and the number flashed 3 times and was frozen. After losing 17 kilograms, I completed the preset in my mind.
This moment, I have been waiting for too long. This is the moment when I chew repeatedly on every hungry night!
I'm waiting for this moment for more than 100 days. But I didn't expect that when it really came, it was like this. I stared at the scale in a daze, as if it was just a string of meaningless numbers on it. And my heart is not filled with joy and joy, and is still immersed in the anxiety and melancholy of the past. The moment I achieved the goal of
, I suddenly realized that relief did not exist. My extreme desire to "lose thin" did not disappear because of this, but instead imposed it on me in a new form. This new form is called: keeping it.
originally expected that when the goal is achieved, I must post a circle of friends, as a record and as a reward. But at that moment, I didn't write a single word. I seemed to be trapped in a new confusion.
I opened a movie in a downturn. " Mind Travel " released in 2020.
A small fish swims to the old fish, and
asks it: "I want to find what they call the ocean."
The old fish said: "Ocean? But you are in the ocean now."
The small fish said: "Here? This is just water. What I want is the ocean."
This conversation hit me.
Xiaoyu's myth is very similar to the Zen saying " riding a donkey to find a donkey ", which is a fallacy in practice.
That is, only the real world is real, and people cannot find another reality outside the real world, and there is no ocean outside the water.
But is water the sea? Obviously not.
Xiaoyu asked: "If this is the ocean, why does the turtle have a dazzling light in his eyes when it mentions the ocean, but that light does not appear in my eyes?"
Thinking of this, I have to mention why some people criticize this movie of spiritual healing and call it shallow and powerless chicken soup.
Movies tell people that your meaning lies in your life, and even your life itself. People who call it cheap chicken soup obviously feel that their life does not contain this power, it is just trivial, boring and exhausting.
Just like a little fish can't feel it, it's always in the ocean. Shouldn’t the ocean be a shining and out of reach?
The fact is that the little fish cannot feel the ocean. It is not that it is not in the ocean, but that the water will become the ocean only through the search of the fish. If you don’t realize this, the little fish will never find the ocean.It either accepts the concept of old fish and tries to deceive the water in front of it is the sea; or it has to spit out a mouthful of water and say, "Bah! Poisonous chicken soup! I also said I am your father."
and talk about weight loss. When did I temporarily let go of my obsession with weight?
It was a weekend night, and a beautiful and wise friend of mine and I sat at the table and chatted leisurely.
We used a green glaze porcelain bowl and warmed up one tea cup rice wine. Several plates of wine and food were placed on the table. Sweet and spicy duck neck, braised lotus root slices and potato slices , a snack that you roasted by yourself.
We slowly drank wine. Warm one cup after another. When only the bottom of a bottle of Huadiao was left, we even stood up and danced while we were slightly drunk. We danced out of order, our faces flushed, and we were amused by each other.
I ate foods that I never dared to eat since I lost weight, and poured out my anxiety and fragility that I had never dared to express.
That night, I found that the warm rice wine was the most delicious in the world. I found that braised duck neck is better with some sweetness. I found that the close friends I have been with for many years are one of the most important people in my life.
That night, I suddenly became blessed to my heart. Realizing the obsession leads me to how much it costs me. and the biggest price is: I reject any other life options and do not accept any other possibilities. This is not only true in weight loss, but also in other and more important things.
That stubborn obsession was gently let go of my heart on that warm night.
Now, I have rebounded by nearly 7 kilograms, and my jeans have climbed from 25 yards to 27. But I found that the relationship between my spirit and my body gradually reconciled and returned to a relatively friendly state.
Yes, my heart is much more peaceful.
In order to maintain this beautiful calm, I tried to find a suitable path of cultivation and imagined several realms of it.
The first level is called for nothing but , and the second level is called for nothing but .
for without any desires means doing more attentively and conceiving less results.
I have made a new plan for myself: three meals a day, eat 7 minutes full each meal, exercise for one hour a day, and change the daily weight to weigh once a week.
Since you have a plan, you must persist with your heart and internalize these actions into your own habits.
For a long time, there is no need to deliberately remind yourself to do this, so as to reach the state of doing without doing anything , but do not feel that you are doing it intentionally.
Actually, in my heart, I secretly formulated a third level of realm (because the name is too second-class, I feel embarrassed to say it), called and Tao .
This realm is abstract. It is about gradually figuring out what the purpose of losing weight is when I practice my plan. Is it for health or a sense of control over life? Is it for others or for yourself? Then conforms to my true purpose and makes adjustments that conform to my nature . Or is it unknown whether it should be adjusted to me.
and Tao are to combine habits with self to form a new state of existence. In this way, calmness and happiness will naturally be in the self.
Then, in the past month, my plan has been quite full.
diet: Three meals a day are guaranteed, and some snacks and fruits will be added in the dining room. But I must admit that sometimes because it is too delicious, I will eat 9 points (cover my face).
exercise: In order to make up for daily exercise time, I tried my best to change the means of transportation to walking. It was even decided to include mental labor in the category of exercise. For example, thinking (covering your face).
After spending this for a while, I remembered the little fish in "The Strange Journey to the Heart".
The small fish after searching hard, break free from the wandering currents, fight over the stormy waves, and avoid the huge rocks and reefs... Finally, on an ordinary morning, I smelled the salty smell.
He remembered what the old fish said, "The sea water is salty."
finally! Finally! The little fish that used to be, may now be an old fish. He is in the sea that has always been in the middle of it and feels extremely happy for himself to be a salted fish.
