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text | Egret
Wan Xiaoqing and I were classmates in elementary school. Our interactions gradually decreased until we entered high school, but I was just jealous of her, her beauty, and her good life.
There are really lucky girls in this world. They are beautiful, born in happy families, grew up under the care of their parents, and have smooth careers and love.
Wan Xiaoqing is one of them.
01
In 2000, I went to preschool in our local village primary school. Among the classmates of
, I met Wan Xiaoqing.
She is well-behaved and cute. Among all my playmates, I like playing with her the most.
In the second year, we entered first grade, and she was in the same class as me. As I grow older, I feel more and more inferior to myself.
's hatred for her started in 2004 when she was in fourth grade.
The new semester has started, and the girls in our class are all playing outside the classroom. Wan Xiaoqing and I are playing and playing together.
The new girl is called Wang Lili. She has just transferred from another school. She is dressed up and surrounded by everyone.
At this time, Wang Lili noticed my presence and took the initiative to come over to me.
I thought she was here to make friends with me, but soon, I was slapped hard by reality.
"Why are you so dark and ugly? I don't want to play with you." Her arrogant words left me with no words to fight back.
Xiao Xiaoping immediately added fuel to the fire: "Well, she has been black and ugly since she was a child, because she has no mother."
Wan Xiaoqing next to them was praised by them: "Xiaoqing, you are so beautiful. Your skin is so white, I like you so much."
I knew it from this day on. Wan Xiaoqing is the beauty of our class. I can't play with her anymore because everyone looks down on me and I'm not as good as her.
I hate Wang Lili, I hate her from the bottom of my heart.
I am jealous of Wan Xiaoqing, the kind of jealousy that is deep in my heart.
Only later, my dislike and jealousy did not stop their excellence.
Wang Lili was admitted to Hainan University, and later admitted to graduate school, while Wan Xiaoqing was admitted to the second-level general examination. After graduation, he passed the special post teacher recruitment examination and became a rural teacher.
Their lives have not been affected in any way by the curse in my heart. On the contrary, they have gotten better and better.
02
When I graduated from elementary school, I took graduation photos.
Wan Xiaoqing stood in front of a piece of red cloth, looking firmly at the camera. Teacher Jiang, the head teacher, saw a few bangs floating on her forehead and gently moved them away with her hands.
In order to get the same attention from the class teacher, I also deliberately put my bangs on my forehead.
When it was my turn, the head teacher looked at me fiercely and said to me: "Zhang Xiaomei, why don't you go down and rearrange your hair before you come back up."
I hesitated for a while and urged me to hurry up.
Look, it turns out that being beautiful is really important.
My grades are not bad, about the same as Wan Xiaoqing's, and even her Chinese scores are not as good as mine. Wang Lili is the first in the class, and is the favorite of all teachers and classmates. In the first test of
, I scored 214 points, Wan Xiaoqing scored 224 points, and Wang Lili scored 252 points.
Later, my status as an only child added 20 points for care, and my score became 234 points.
Wang Lili went to a key middle school in the city, and finally I stopped seeing her. This was the happiest thing in my childhood.
I have long had enough of her beating me up, and I hope I never see her again in this life.
Wan Xiaoqing and I went to ordinary middle schools. I was in Class 2 and she was in Class 4.
We often encounter them. When we meet, we always have to chat for a few words before reluctantly going back to the classroom.
In my second year of junior high school, because my grades could not keep up with the progress of the eugenics class, I was transferred to the poor student class.
's math scores have never kept up, and he failed every monthly exam. On the contrary, his Chinese scores have always been the first in the grade. But partial subjects had an impact on the overall performance, so I still couldn't stay in the eugenics class.
Wan Xiaoqing, on the other hand, relied on her balanced grades to remain in the top 100 in her grade.
My grades and hers started when I was in the class for poor students.
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03
I went to Class 8. Class 8 was very chaotic at the time, and it was a class that gave all the teachers in the grade a headache.
I went from a class with a good learning atmosphere to such an environment, and my academic performance quickly dropped to outside the top ten in the class.
What makes me most happy is that I discovered that my primary school classmate Liu Lin was also in this class. The two of us hit it off quickly and played together all day long. Because I have good basic skills, he copied mine every time he took an exam.
Liu Lin is not a good person. When
was in elementary school, he was the worst in our class. What's even more amazing is that he also told me a secret.
Once we were playing truth or dare, and he told me that he had always liked Wan Xiaoqing since he was a child, and asked me to send him love letters.
At first, I was quite embarrassed, but I couldn't resist his insistence and decided to help him.
After it was done, he invited me to drink.
After self-study the next night, I found Wan Xiaoqing and handed her the love letter Liu Lin wrote to her, but I never received a reply from her.
Liu Lin wrote several more letters one after another, and I sent them several more times.
I have helped Liu Lin so many times, and the relationship between him and me is getting better and better. Some busybodies in the class began to spread the rumors that Liu Lin and I were in love. The few letters that
sent to Liu Lin almost disappeared.
Almost two months later, I met Wan Xiaoqing in the corridor. She handed a letter with love hearts folded into it into my hand and ran away with a blushing face.
I was originally happy for Liu Lin, but when I thought that Wan Xiaoqing was every boy's dream lover, I became angry.
Actually, I really didn't expect that my jealousy would penetrate into my bones.
04
I envy everything Wan Xiaoqing has, including her beauty, parents, grades, etc. I envy her, envy her, and befriend her on the surface, but secretly I have been cursing her.
Just like that, driven by curiosity, I opened the letter and read it carefully: "I have been very busy studying recently, and I don't have time to reply to you. My grades in our class are about to count down. If this continues , I have no hope of going to a key high school. After the exam, we will go to the lotus leaf pond to play..."
The lotus leaf pond she said is the dating spot for couples in our school. In this way, she agreed to meet Liu Lin. contacts.
I get very angry when I think of Liu Lin being listless all day and sleeping in class. If he receives this letter, he will probably change his mind and study hard.
But I really don’t want Wan Xiaoqing to succeed...
Growing up, she was beautiful and I was ugly. Where she stood, there was never a place for me.
I remembered a rehearsal for a cultural program in fifth grade. The girls in our class were going to dance Xinjiang dance . Everyone was very happy to sign up, but I was the only one who shrank in the exchange and didn't dare to sign up.
Under the arrangement of Xiao Li, the literary and art committee member, I also joined the performing team.
Wang Lili did not participate in this event because she was participating in a speech contest, and Wan Xiaoqing did not want to participate either.
The dance had been rehearsed for a week. The head teacher, Teacher Jiang, wanted to see the effect. But when we girls just stood on the stage and didn’t even start dancing, she pointed at me and said, "Zhang Xiaomei, go down and replace me with Wan Xiaoqing." Come on."
At that moment, my heart seemed to be wandering everywhere. Why, it was me. I had obviously been rehearsing seriously for so long.
The girl's self-esteem was ruthlessly destroyed at this moment. I hate that Wan Xiaoqing is a red flower, but I can only be her foil, and even her foil is not qualified.
I watched Wan Xiaoqing dance happily on the stage, tears falling drop by drop.
"Wan Xiaoqing, this was my opportunity. Why, as soon as you show up, I have nothing." I thought silently in my heart.
Scenes like this have been going on. After years of baptism, they have become jealous.
I casually tore up the love letter she wrote to Liu Lin into pieces and threw it into the trash can.
The next year, Liu Lin suddenly transferred to the city, and I lost contact with him from then on.
In the following years, I also inquired about his whereabouts in many ways, but still found nothing. There was no trace of him in the classmates or class gatherings.
He disappeared without a trace, without farewell or blessing.
05
After I entered high school, I studied hard and hoped to get into an ideal university through my own efforts.
Because I wasted three years in junior high school, my grades in high school couldn't improve for a while, but finally my hard work paid off. In my senior year of high school, I went from last in the class to first in the class.
Wan Xiaoqing was preparing for the college entrance examination at No. 1 Middle School in the city. She was studying science and I was studying liberal arts at the general high school.
I got into the top 100 in the city's unified test. The head teacher and grade leader at that time also specially commended me.
On the computer in our class, we can see the scores and rankings of all students in the city. I was very happy to see that Wan Xiaoqing only scored 320 points.
After ten years, I finally surpassed her once. Although I am not as good as her innate things, at least I can beat her once in academic performance through hard work.
In the next few city tests, my scores exceeded hers.
In the college entrance examination, I performed poorly and only reached the third level. Because my family was poor, I ended up going to a junior college, while Wan Xiaoqing chose tutoring.
In the second year of the college entrance examination, she passed the second level and was admitted to a university in a neighboring city, majoring in computer network technology.
After I completed the secretarial major in a junior college, I chose the ideological and political education major as an undergraduate through the self-study .
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For me, my family's poverty is my biggest obstacle. I don't have money for tutoring, and I don't have money to study from junior college to bachelor's degree. In the end, I can only complete my bachelor's degree through self-study examination.
And the gap between me and Wan Xiaoqing also started from this day.
Although Wan Xiaoqing comes from the countryside, she has both parents and grew up in a harmonious family. Her mother is gentle and kind, and her father is talented. She inherited her mother's beauty, with skin as white as snow, and has been the center of attention since she was a child.
My parents divorced when I was a child. My mother abandoned me because she thought our family was too poor, and left me to live with my violent and uneducated father. Because no one cared about me, I became a wild child.
In the spring of 2017, there was a reunion of primary school classmates.
Wan Xiaoqing and Wang Lili were both there. I had just graduated and was working as a substitute teacher in the village primary school, and they were still in college. After many years, Wan Xiaoqing was still the one all the boys rushed to toast to.
I didn’t say hello to her. My dark face stood beside her, looking out of place.
In 2018, Wan Xiaoqing graduated from university, passed the special teacher recruitment examination, and became a middle school teacher. From then on, my envy of her turned into dissatisfaction with her fate.
The year she became a middle school teacher, I got seriously ill and was admitted to the hospital. After several operations, I was able to save my life.
compared to Wan Xiaoqing's success, I once again believed in fate.
There are really some girls who can go on smoothly without having to endure hardships in this life.
Wang Lili, the person who once looked down on me, was equally lucky. She was born in a family of traditional Chinese medicine. She was finally admitted to a key university, studied for a doctorate, and became a surgeon.
Their dreams have all come true, but I am the only one who is depressed.
Although we have no intersection, my jealousy has already filled my heart. Even if we don’t meet, it has already penetrated into my bones.
No matter how good they are, I still can't reconcile with them. I can't accept that I have low self-esteem and sensitivity since I was a child.
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I am an egret, thank you for reading
