Have you ever encountered such a person? Or are you one of them?
They are always ready to lend a helping hand or volunteer to take on tasks that others are putting off;
are sensitive to other people's feelings, easy to get along with, and rarely quarrel with others.
My friend Xiaoxi is like this - a typical "good old guy".
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In the university dormitory, Xiaoxi is always very enthusiastic:
Whoever runs out of hot water, she will help to get it;
Whoever is unable to do duty due to physical discomfort, she will take the initiative to do the cleaning work that day.
But recently, good guy Xiaoxi also has his own troubles.
She found that everyone's liking and interaction with her were based on her ability to talk:
"I'm too lazy to go down, Xiaoxi, buy me a meal, you're the best!"
In fact, many psychologists I believe that there are huge dangers lurking in playing the good guy all the time.
What are the disadvantages of being a good person?
1. Emotion accumulation
A good person may behave well and relax all the time, but are such positive emotions normal?
Those who have always been good people may tend to internalize some negative emotions.
When negative emotions accumulate to a certain extent, depression, anxiety or addiction problems will occur.
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2. Periodic outbreaks
Suppressing the accumulated negative emotions will eventually explode.
You may act out suddenly, and you may get angry at your partner, friends, or colleagues because of minor frictions.
This kind of outrageous behavior often appears out of thin air.
You will feel very guilty about this, keep apologizing, and promise that you will never do it again... but you will often fail to keep your promise and act out of line again.
Such an outbreak will pose a great challenge to your interpersonal relationships and personal cognition.
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3. Self-criticism
A good person will be more inclined to blame himself instead of complaining about others:
You will think that everything is your own fault-
You should be more aware of some things, or others have done bad things, It must be caused by yourself...
You always feel like the people around you are pointing your nose and educating you.
Under this continuous self-blame, you vow to work harder not to mess things up, and even to perform better than before.
But you always feel that nothing you do is good enough. Your faults, mistakes and guilt are everywhere.
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This is undoubtedly a miserable way to live.
4, resentment
Good people will also be more likely to feel resentment.
This is because people's friendliness is often accompanied by expectations for others -
You expect others to appreciate your sacrifice or effort, or to follow your steps, learn to think differently, stand up, etc.
You may never express this kind of expectation, but you also silently hope that they will realize it and satisfy you.
Over time, unrequited efforts and expectations will turn into resentment.
At first, the resentment was just a slow but ever-present simmering discontent.
When it accumulates to a certain level, it will, like other negative emotions, begin to fuel your sudden erratic behavior.
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5, periodic crashes
If you can't say "no" because you are a good old man.
You are constantly doing heavy lifting and are prone to periodic crashes.
Such a breakdown may be the result of an occasional cramp-like exhaustion, or it may be the result of illness or a deep depression.
Exhaustion may cause you to take a brief period of passive rest.
But once you recover, you'll soon have to pick up the slack again.
Repeating this process will cause greater and more indelible damage to the mind and body.
6. Compromise in advance in relationships
A good person is more likely to be the one who feels aggrieved and compromises in any relationship.
You are not communicating with others about what you want.
Instead, he will first predict or guess what the other party wants, and then lower his own requirements.
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For example, at work, you will tell yourself, Little A will not want to switch two-day shifts with me.
So even if I need it, I won’t ask her if she can switch shifts with you for two days.
When you keep compromising like this in a relationship, you'll never really get what you want.
(even though you imagine that the other person will understand your mind and take the initiative to satisfy you).
On the contrary, you will always get the "okay" version.
As time goes by, all that is left is a makeshift life.
7. Stagnant Relationships
Your relationships may lack depth.
Between pre-compromising and internalizing emotions:
You may never say what you really want and how you really feel.
In this case, you will not be able to establish a truly honest and intimate relationship with the other person.
If both parties are good friends, the shortcomings in this relationship will be more obvious -
forming a relationship that although there is no conflict, is always very superficial.
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9. The regrets of life
Have you really lived for yourself?
A life that is diluted, not truly understood, and missed countless opportunities to do what you want to do and get what you want...
A good old man is destined to have a life full of regrets.
So shouldn’t we be good people?
certainly isn't.
But there is a difference between a values-driven life and an anxiety-driven life.
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A values-driven life comes from your core beliefs as an adult about how to relate to others:
You are kind and understand that we are all small beings struggling in a vast universe;
You feel that human beings There should be no strife with others and treat others like good people.
You don’t do this because you think you “should” do it.
Otherwise you will feel guilty, but because it is in line with your life values.
But at the same time, you can say no and confidently and honestly take care of yourself while taking care of others.
Such a life is a win-win situation.
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On the other hand, anxiety-driven life makes kindness a way to manage anxiety.
You learn to adopt a friendly stance to avoid conflicts and confrontations that you cannot tolerate.
This posture is "If you are happy, I am happy" -
Do anything to avoid the other person's dissatisfaction and thus avoid anxiety.
As a result, you can't say "no", you can't voice your dissatisfaction, and you can't treat others honestly and confidently.
This kind of kindness does not reflect your values about how to treat others.
It is more of a psychological protection to protect you from this seemingly scary world.
In fact, if you are tired of being a good person all the time, or tired of accepting all the negative consequences of this style of behavior.
Well, it’s time to stop this behavior and start making some changes.
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The following are some suggestions that can be changed:
1. Stop and examine your true feelings
If you are a good talker, you may not be aware of your feelings many times.
When someone asks you to do something, why not take a few deep breaths and ask yourself if you really want to do it.
The same goes for negotiating with your partner:
Stop compromising beforehand and figure out what you really want.
If you can't know right away, then stop and continue asking yourself how you really feel.
The answer will eventually come.
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2. Practice rejecting others
It does not mean that hesitating and hesitating in answering is rejecting others.
What you need is to refuse more actively -
This means establishing your own sense of boundaries.
For example, if you are asked to help with something but you need a break and don't want to participate, just say no.
A better approach is to be proactive in making your point of view known to others before they come to you.
If it's hard to say no in person, you can try calling or sending a text message.
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Just be bold and express your thoughts.
3. Treat your anger as a message.
When feeling angry or resentful, treat your anger as a message.
Let this emotion tell you what you need and what you don't like...
Absorb the angry message and reiterate your thoughts directly.
4. Practice being more honest
Honesty is essentially what setting boundaries is about, but it is also the driving force behind intimacy.
Step away from superficial conversations and try deeper conversations -
Tell the people around you how you really feel rather than "I'm fine."
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If your partner is doing the same thing, bring the issues you are facing to the table.
works together to solve these problems.
5. Know if you have reached your limit through your symptoms and manifestations
Don’t hide overeating, exhaustion, or passive-aggressiveness.
You can think of them as red flags that you're trying to please others while neglecting your own needs.
Stop apologizing or catering to others and speak up about your needs.
6. Deal with the critical voices
When you start any of the above actions, the self-critical voices will become more crazy.
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You may feel ashamed, anxious, or that the world looks down upon you.
This is all terrible...
When you first start to break out of your original behavior pattern, any small action will arouse the anger of others.
But don’t stress, take a deep breath, pat yourself on the back and keep going.
So, are you ready to fight those critical voices?
Compiler: Livvy Editor eva
Picture source: Pexels
First release: Yidianling Psychology (yidianling0)
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