entered the threshold of thirty years old, began to slowly taste the taste of life, and realized the helplessness and desolation of the world. Although he tried hard to maintain his dignity in the mortal world, his heart was filled with more and more powerlessness.
After experiencing some things, I realized that all these things came from my family of origin, and getting rid of its influence is what I have to do throughout my life.
I was born in a small rural town. I have four children in my family, including an older brother, older sister and younger sister. My parents divorced when I was about four or five years old. My older sister and younger sister were raised by my mother, and my brother and I were raised by my father.
Later, my father married an aunt who was 13 years younger. He asked me to call him mom and my brother to call me aunt. This aunt never had any children of her own.
About a year or two later, my mother died of a sudden cerebral hemorrhage, and my father took his older sister and younger sister in to raise them together. My mother is a very vague shadow to me, but I cannot restrain a young girl's desire for maternal love, and this desire has been with me throughout my life.
My father is a car driver and should be at the bottom of society. In an era when most families had only one child, it was particularly difficult and difficult for a man to raise four children. Therefore, the relationship between the aunt and the father is not good, and there are also reasons for the father's own personality.
He is a man with a bad temper and a slightly strange personality. This is due to both his natural personality and the cruel oppression of life. The father is very dedicated to the education of his children. Although there is a traditional thinking in his heart that boys are to support the elderly and have to rely on their whole life, he does not neglect the education of girls. If they can study, let them study. If they do not do well in studies, they should learn a trade, which can at least help them in society. Get a foothold.
He is also a father worthy of admiration and respect by his children, but his life also brought many unspeakable influences on my subsequent life experiences. This is probably fate.
Compared with my peers, my childhood was full of shabbiness and low self-esteem, although I did not lack food or clothing. I often had to pay breakfast fees or tuition fees, and asked the teacher to go back and bring the tuition fees before going to school, or I had no money to pay for school uniforms. He always seemed out of place among his classmates.
Fortunately, I met a very good female teacher, who greatly inspired me during my childhood of low self-esteem. I will remember and be grateful for it all my life. The stressful real life also caused his father to lose his temper frequently and break out into quarrels with his stepmother. The two divorced, remarried and divorced again for many years, leaving their adult children extremely helpless.
When he loses his temper, the air in the house is particularly solemn. Everyone acts cautiously and watches their father's face. There were no beautiful clothes, no gentle nourishment from mother's love, and a depressing and tense family atmosphere. As a result, I was particularly sensitive and fragile in childhood, had low self-esteem, lacked a sense of security, and longed for maternal love.
Whenever I meet an older woman and she calls me affectionately: Girl, I will be touched for a long time, and my whole body will feel like it is covered with warm sunshine. This also paved the way for my future marriage decisions in life.
As children, we all understand the difficulty of our father, so we are very sensible and frugal. And I seem to be different from other brothers and sisters since I was a child. I would rather go hungry and spend my little pocket money to buy some decorations that little girls like.
My brother is recognized as a handsome guy, the eldest son in the family, and a very responsible man. He has inherited the same bad temper as his father.
When his father was busy with his life and had no time to take care of his young children, he took on a lot of responsibilities to take care of his sisters. There are many tender scenes in my memory of him taking care of our three sisters’ daily life. When he was in high school, he would buy steamed buns in the school cafeteria and send them home after early self-study. He would take care of us after eating and then rush to school. He would send me to school on his bicycle, and would kiss me on the cheek to say goodbye.
He is an older brother and sometimes like a father. Later, my brother got married and had his own family, and he became much indifferent to his brothers and sisters, including the family. But these tender feelings in my childhood helped me cope with some of the disappointment when I felt hurt by this family when I grew up.
My elder sister and younger sister are also sensible and kind-hearted people, because the original family has the same sensitivity and fragility as mine and longs for maternal love. They hope to be loved, but sometimes they don’t know how to love. After stumbling upon each other, both of them got married and had children, living ordinary lives.
I was a lucky person in this family, but later I found out how insignificant I was in society. I studied very well since I was a child, and later I was admitted to a key university. I am the one with the highest academic qualifications in my family. I had the dream of taking the postgraduate entrance examination to further my studies, but I was not a smart person and my family’s financial conditions did not allow it. I quickly found a job after failing the postgraduate entrance examination without sufficient preparation.
My family has high expectations of me, and I have been working hard to repay my family and gain more recognition.
Even more fortunately, I chose a stable and decent job within the system. I am very diligent and professional, and I work hard without complaining in the workplace. My leaders and colleagues all like and value me and have given me many opportunities.
Naihe came from a small place, and no one gave him guidance when it came to the ways of the world, so he learned slowly by bumping into things on his own.
As I work longer, I understand more and more that within the system, family background and parents are more important than hard work to some extent. I have seen more of the supremacy and snobbery of power, and I feel more and more deeply my own insignificance. To give a very simple example, the daughter of the leader driver of our unit also works in the unit, with mediocre qualifications, but under the protection of her father, she easily got the same position as me.
even got more than me because he could get a lot of information in advance and was good at being worldly. In the eyes of outsiders, I am beautiful, smart and talented, and I have a good job, but my qualifications are inferior to many others. Even so, I still couldn't suppress the inferiority complex deep inside. Yes, I'm not confident. Especially after experiencing emotional setbacks. I am a contradictory person. On the one hand, I have low self-esteem and sensitivity, but on the other hand, I use a thick shell of pride to protect myself.
I don’t want to be aggressive and have my desires and ambitions written on my face for the sake of power. What’s more, I don’t have any background. I have to pay more to compete with others, such as laughing with others, or harassment from leaders such as holding hands. These all make me uncomfortable. Disgusted. When it comes to work, I only do my duty and don't put too much thought into social sophistication, so my life circle is very small.
I am very grateful to the noble people I met at work who gave me a lot of help. I am very satisfied to be in the current state. Apart from the hard work, what is easy for an adult?
When I was 23 years old, a boy from my workplace pursued me. This was my first love, and it also allowed me to taste the ups and downs of life. He is the only son in the family. His father is in business and his family is well-off. His economic conditions are not much better than mine.
He is also considered a second-generation rich man. His mother was very satisfied with me. Three months into our relationship, she started planning to buy a house and decorate it to be our wedding room. In the eyes of outsiders, there is nothing about this boy that is worthy of me, but I long for love, especially because his mother has given me a lot of care and warmth. This is the warmth that comes from both parents doting on their children.
Although we had a lot of quarrels with this boy due to different views, we had been dating for nearly two years. With the strong encouragement of his mother, I got married. I was less than 26 years old this year. If I had a happy and warm native family, I would not easily fall in love with my ex-husband, let alone get married so early.
However, my family, especially my father, was very dissatisfied with my ex-husband. Although his ex-husband's family was much more thoughtful in etiquette than his brother-in-law's family, he was still very picky. He may have felt in his heart that he invested too much in me and got married before he could repay his capital and give more money to his family. On the other hand, he may have used this kind of asking to balance his inner inferiority because of the huge gap in family background between the two parties.
But at that time, I was too young and had not experienced the complexity of human heart and human nature. I was dissatisfied with my father's pickiness and defended my ex-husband. I was also unhappy because my ex-husband could not meet my father's requirements and I would quarrel with my ex-husband. This was a very awkward experience. After half a year of marriage, we separated. After half a year of separation, my ex-husband and I divorced and we had no children. Yes, I don’t even want the house or car. We got a peaceful divorce.
Divorce was also the beginning of my gradual realization that people are lonely after all, and that I need to keep distance from my family of origin. The year I was about to get divorced, I had been separated from my ex-husband for a long time. I went back to my parents’ hometown to celebrate the New Year, but my father asked me to spend New Year’s Eve in a hotel outside. The reason is that after a girl gets married, she cannot go back to her parents' home to celebrate the New Year, as it will bring bad luck to her parents' family.
My hometown is a relatively affluent town, not so feudal and closed. I was very sad and sad. In the New Year with thousands of lights and fireworks, I completed a mental transformation in my life alone in the hotel.
Although my father later realized that this was wrong and said that I could go back to my parents’ home for the New Year in the future, I rarely went back since then because I didn’t want to touch this wound. In the five years since
, I have been living in my own little world to heal. He doesn't take the initiative to contact anyone, and he doesn't communicate much with the outside world. During this period, my leaders and colleagues were very tolerant and tolerant.
It was a very painful experience. I was very traditional-minded and never thought I would get divorced. I cried all day long and thought about death many times, but in the end I never put it into practice. I longed for a warm home, but lost it and a good life due to various factors. I am immature myself, and my ex-husband cannot bear the responsibility of a family. My family of origin, especially my father, has an unshirkable responsibility. Only then did I realize that I was trapped in the shackles of my original family.
After I started working, there were always various things at home that required me to find connections. They seemed to think that I was very knowledgeable and that finding connections would be an easy task and there would be no need to return favors. And the truth is, how insignificant I am. The things I need to do to find a relationship are becoming more and more troublesome, making me feel more and more strenuous.
I don’t like worldly relationships, but they are my closest relatives, and despite this, I still try my best. The shackles that you should find a relationship as a matter of course also made me more and more suffocated. Until my father faced being prosecuted and imprisoned for some things, the task of finding connections naturally fell on me. In the
system, such a thing can be said to be fatal to the future of a person with no background. I was helpless and didn't know who to turn to. But the pressure kept coming again and again. A boy I know said he could help find him, but he would have to fall in love with him. At that time, I did not fully understand the dangers of society, so I asked him to help solve my father's problem.
In fact, after this scumbag cheated on me and got me pregnant, he left it alone. Previously, my ex-husband and I were in a relationship for two years, including the fact that we didn't use contraception after marriage, and we never got pregnant. I once thought that I had a cold in my uterus and was unable to have a child.
That was also the most tragic experience in my life. After aborting the child, I rested at home alone with no one to take care of me. Due to the epidemic lockdown, I had to work and take care of myself to survive alone. None of my brothers or sisters gave me any care.
But my father ended up in jail, which did not affect them at all in blaming me for "not being good at finding connections." Since then, my heart has become colder towards this family, and I have made up my mind to keep a distance and try my best to get rid of the influence of this family.
Of course, my heartache didn’t start from this incident. After my divorce, I moved out of my marital home and rented a house by myself. All my savings before getting married were given to my father, and I only had a few hundred yuan to get married. I didn't save any money after getting married, so I had to rent a house. I moved back and forth by myself several times. I really didn’t like the life of being homeless, so I decided to buy a house.
But I didn’t have much money on hand, so I borrowed 60,000 yuan from my father, and my sister borrowed tens of thousands of yuan to pay the down payment. During this period, my brother and my father came to my city to help me look at the house. Later, because my father and brother quarreled, my father walked away and my brother returned.
The experience of looking at a house was extremely unpleasant. When we were eating out at noon, my father started to scold me as soon as he sat down: How much did you give me after working? What have you done for this home? There were so many people coming and going, and he complained so loudly, and this was the most difficult moment in my life!
Later, I took time to look at houses alone after work, booked a house, went through the formalities, and decorated it without anyone interfering. Of course, they have no obligation to ask.I was working, looking at houses, and renovating. I don’t know how I survived. It was probably because I was suffering internally after the divorce, and the physical pain was ignored.
My father said he would come over to help, but when I thought about his fiery temper, which could explode over a small matter at any time, which would affect both my work and the decoration, I declined and took care of everything myself. During this period, my ex-husband’s mother also gave me some help. She always hoped that I would remarry. The house was quickly renovated. My brother mentioned twice that my father’s name should be written on the house. It was the only place for me to settle down during difficult times in my life, and I never thought about not paying back my father’s money.
Naturally, I felt aggrieved. I called my sister to complain, but she said that you will always get married and you are considered an outsider. Maybe you were afraid that the house would fall into the hands of others. Such cruel words made me feel gray and cold after the divorce. Life adds a touch of darkness. In the end, my father consulted himself and gave up after saying that he was too old to take out a loan and could not sign the loan.
This was the first time that I clearly felt the calculations from my family, and it also made me start to remind myself to keep a distance.
After the divorce, I was in a bad mood and was afraid of the quarrels at home, so I rarely went back and rarely contacted my family. It was only after going through these ups and downs that I suddenly realized that my previous experiences could never escape the origin. Family influence.
And many of my future decisions in life are to make up for the lack of childhood. For example, marrying your ex-husband is more about the warmth of maternal love. For example, reflecting on the reasons for divorce, most of the reasons are that you live an extremely awkward life in order to repay your original family and gain approval from your original family. For example, you are not confident and generous in dealing with worldly affairs at work. It was also because of my inner inferiority that I didn't fight or grab to maintain my dignity without any background. After the divorce, my colleagues introduced me to a boy with very good conditions, but as soon as I heard that his mother was gone, I immediately declined and I didn't even meet in person... too much Too much.
After my divorce, I went on a shopping spree to make up for the insecurity and pain caused by my emotional frustration. I also kept reading, practicing piano and growing flowers to keep my mind at peace. Fortunately, five years later, I met my current boyfriend, a boy with good character and great sense of responsibility.
has a similar experience, the only drawback is that he has a daughter who is raised by his ex-wife. Despite my imperfections, I am now mature and feel safe when I get along with him. Our relationship is going smoothly and we plan to get married and buy a house.
But my father, who had been pursuing marriage all his life, did not receive the divorce certificate after his separation from his stepmother. They separated. He is looking for his wife on various major platforms to find true love. We all objected, but we couldn't overcome his stubbornness. Many years ago, he insisted on going to Yunnan alone in order to meet his online dating partner. As a child, he was very worried about being cheated. His sister asked for leave to accompany him, but in the end he did not come out to meet her.
Later, my father fell in love with an aunt from a city in the south, and the aunt came to her hometown to meet my father. The father also brought his children to meet him very solemnly. The other brothers and sisters were indifferent. When they arrived in my city, considering my father's face, I invited my aunt and the others to dinner.
During the meal, my aunt took the initiative to tell me that her father told me that we bought him a house in the city, so she agreed to live here, and she thought that her father had received a divorce certificate. I asked my brother what house it was, and he said calmly that it was your house. My aunt is a very honest person. She even cried when she talked about her previous marriage. I couldn't bear to hurt such a person who had been hurt by marriage.
After dinner, because I had to go to work, I called my father on the way and asked him to make it clear to his aunt and not to lie.
To be realistic, when I learned that my father used the house I worked so hard to buy as capital for his romance with others, I felt sad and helpless.
I have thought about bringing my father to live in this house when I get married, but at present I have no other place to live. His actions have left me a girl wandering alone in the city. I had no thoughts during the afternoon meeting, I just tried my best to digest these grievances and sadness.
But this is my father. I can't ignore him. When I called to ask where they were, I found that all contact information had been blocked and I couldn't contact him. At the age of 30, I already have some ability to control my emotions. I called my other siblings to tell them about my father's "blind date", but they all said that they were powerless and couldn't control it.
I silently endured the whippings from my family of origin without crying or affecting my work. I even pretended that everything was not hidden from my boyfriend. I didn’t want others to know about such an unbearable thing.
After falling asleep at night, I woke up crying twice in my dreams. I remember the second dream very clearly. It was me writing a diary. I burst into tears as I wrote. When I woke up, tears had already blurred my face. The boyfriend asked: What's wrong? Dreaming? I said it was okay, it was just a dream. But why only I know in my heart.
It turns out that the hearts of adults are really bitter. The sign of maturity is to act as if nothing has happened during the day, but cry with unbridled emotions in dreams. What a profound understanding.
After holding it in for several days, I was finally able to review the system. I became more determined to separate from my original family as quickly as possible, and not to spend my whole life healing my childhood and affecting my future happiness.
hopes that everyone will have a happy childhood and warm their future life.
