Today I will share with you some practical methods to help you heal yourself after you have cheated.
If you want to let go of the pain of betrayal, you must do at least these 3 things:
1. Reduce "self-guidance" and learn to respect yourself;
2. Restrain yourself to indulge and increase self-care;
3. Let go of self-reproach and understand your needs.
01 Reduce "self-guidance" and learn to respect yourself
As a psychological counselor, every time I hear about my lover cheating on me when I hear about my visit, I am still angry about them. We all hope to be cherished and treated kindly in our intimate relationships, and no one should be hurt like this.
But I have to say that although the love cheats is a big mistake, the harm of others is limited after all. Only we can hurt us more seriously than betrayal itself.
Because all harm and pain must be brought into our own body through our personal "identity" and "permit", it can only be put into itself and erupt with horrifying negative energy.
In other words, only we have the ability to hurt ourselves to a very tragic level. (No physical violence, only discuss psychological pain)
. What methods did you use to amplify the harm caused by your lover's cheating and make yourself more and more painful?
is "absolute dependency" and "self-guided" .
is "absolutely dependent" when the cheating party is a mentality, which is very common in the early stage of traumatic stress (it is just discovered that the cheating is not long ago).
The so-called "absolutely depend on" means that you are devoted to the other party, observing, interpreting, overturning, and analyzing the other party's performance and behavior again and again, and then your emotions are tilted with each movement of the other party -
He said this and you feel a little relieved, he did that thing, you are particularly unhappy...
Are you Spending a lot of energy to repeatedly chewing the other party's words , trying to clarify whether it means that he has various plans in his heart?
Will you always analyze his behavior in this way or that means he doesn't want to atone for cheating . You have been lazy in compensation?
You often guess whether you haven’t cut off with a third party? What are the signs of breaking clean and what is the starting point for breaking clean?
He said to prove it to you with actions and you will wait quietly for his actions. If he does not act, you will fall into a low mood again?
…
Focusing most of the energy on the other party is "absolute dependence".
In these scenes, your self seems to have disappeared, everything is up to him like this and that, and your feelings follow.
While taking harm, it also handed over all the initiative to the other party and forced your self to "disappear". How could this not be painful?
In the face of betrayal of your lover, you need to consciously remind yourself to "recycle" your attention and perception from the other person, and use them more on yourself.
It is not easy to do this. You can try the following methods:
1. Reflect on whether you have turned the "infidelity incident" into your life theme after experiencing trauma . You must turn it on every day. You no longer invest time and effort in other things;
2. Try to switch to studying the other person's enthusiasm to pay attention to yourself , and close your eyes to look at yourself for the time being and look at yourself more.
3. Pay more attention to your current emotions , distinguish the surging feelings in your body, analyze the source of these feelings, and touch the experience of "I am more familiar with and understand myself."
4. Moderately divert attention , do not be obsessed with making cheating happen in a short time, so that other parts of life can continue - go out more and watch a gust of wind and the withering of leaves; spend more time communicating and interacting with friends and children; find freshness at work or open a new book or follow a drama...
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people have limited energy, especially when they are harmed by betrayal.If you pour all your energy into the other person, there is no "balance" to take care of yourself.
Before forgiveing the other person, the important thing is always to heal yourself.
If you want to heal yourself, at least you need to care about yourself and see yourself first, rather than lying your heart all over the other person’s thoughts and doings.
In addition, after encountering betrayal, you still need to be vigilant about the "self-strategy" mentality.
In psychological counseling work, some of the cheating parties are very familiar to me:
"I don't want to file for divorce. He said that he was confused outside for a moment and that he was sincere to me."
"He said he would separate from a third party, but he couldn't break off his diploma immediately because... or... etc.."
"He promised me to compensate me, but I asked him not to do this and that, and he refused a lot."
"Ta wants to return to her family sincerely, but will she be more and more perfunctory towards me and less and less want to continue to compensate me?"
"I don't want/can't divorce, I can't bear to leave her children, so what can I do if I don't do well!"
...
...
In fact, most people are reluctant to leave, unwilling to leave, unwilling to leave, or they have no conditions to leave.
But as the injured party, you should know: although it is your intention to give up the other party, whether to divorce or forgive is your decision, the other party has made efforts to keep you, earnestly compensate for the harm you suffered, abide by the various regulations on compensation for cheating between the two, prove to you again that you can be believed by you (to a certain extent, such as accepting a post check), and provide evidence that you will not betray again in the future...
These are all practices that he must complete in person.
Maybe you haven't figured out this interest, or you lack confidence because you care too much, but the bottom-line concession will only slowly change the marriage that needs to be healed -
It is obvious that the cheating party should try his best to seek peace, go home, not divorce, or forgiveness, but it is not yours who try to "strategy" you.
You try every means to help the other party find excuses and reasons because you don’t want to divorce; you swallow your anger because you “must” forgive, and you resentful to the diary or other irrelevant things...
The other party just needs a few nice words, and you will stop and live whatever life should be. The underlying reason for this "self-guidance" is that you do not respect yourself and do not value your needs.
People who respect themselves and understand that marriage is a complex proposition, and there is no rigid rule of "must be forgiven" or "never forgive".
You know that divorce should be an open ending. Not wanting to divorce does not conflict with sticking to the bottom line. You deserve to be treated kindly and have your own requirements.
If you deceive your lover to meet your requirements and fulfill the compensation and efforts you promised, you will continue to have the relationship if you want to continue; the other party just talks but doesn’t practice or even shirks the argument, and even if you choose to end the relationship, you can take good care of yourself and have the ability to be happy again.
After all, the marriage you want to stick to is not enough to cheat on him, it depends on you to coax yourself again and again!
And the more people who know how to be kind to themselves and emphasize their own needs, the more they can get the respect of their partners.
Fraud lover knows that you do what you say and do what you say and do what you do, so that you will work hard to compensate, spend time rebuilding your marriage, actively manage your relationship with your husband and wife, and break it clean if you talk to a third party...
If you don’t need the other party to work hard at all, you have already helped him find excuses and reasons, so why should the other party work hard?
ta Of course, every time I just want to talk, and then wait for you to guide yourself.
02 Restrain yourself from indulging in, emphasizing self-care
Of course, as far as my personal experience in consulting is concerned, most cheaters feel guilty about their hurts for their lover, and will try their best to remedy the mistakes they have made and compensate for their lover.
But a lover who is more willing to atone for sin does not necessarily mean that you are suffering less of the pain of being betrayed.
Abductive lover is more attentive to you and takes various practical actions to regain your trust and not leave him. You are indeed less likely to have the mentality of "self-strategy", but you may also go to another extreme - "self-indulgence".
Some visitors will say to me with some "pride":
"I am not 'absolutely dependent' at all! When I found out that he cheated, I decided to live for myself only in the future! I only seek benefits for myself, who can see him!"
You may also complain that the cheating lover is ruthless, but often you don't focus all your energy on judging what the other party says and does, but use that set of logic to weigh yourself:
A nameless fire broke out, You will think about whether it is because the other party didn't take you. To serve , you have to scold him and vent, maybe ask him for some more requests to relieve his breath;
Sometimes the mood is better, you are thinking about whether this means that you no longer love ta. The marriage between the two is already in name but not real, and they are in harmony with each other. What is the meaning of such a relationship?
It is difficult to fall asleep at night, and you will fall into self-pity and feel that you are still so sad after so long. Does mean that you will never get better ? Should you just leave him early? It is better to have a short pain than a long pain?
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But such self-gaze to relieve pain is useless, it will only make you over-indulge in narcissism or inferiority complex, causing you to gradually lose control of your own emotions, and disconnect your feelings and needs.
You may think, isn’t this what I mean by “returning your attention to the other person to yourself”?
is, but we withdraw our attention to provide ourselves with "mindfulness" energy, rather than throwing our obsession back to ourselves.
The expression of obsession is not limited to the following:
You constantly understand your feelings, make judgments about yourself, then doubt yourself, overturn, reset your definition of yourself, and try to find an "absolute truth" about yourself;
You may catalyze your own intense emotions, pursue dramatic experiences for a while, and even become a "performance personality", repeatedly pulling and fighting with the other party for 800 rounds;
You have an excessive utilitarian mind for rebuilding your relationship, and may mistakenly think that you are losing your temper, trampling your lover on your feet, imposing punishments, and not talking about feelings but only fighting for interests is the real "love yourself".
Indulging in the obsession with self-interest after being hurt can easily make you unable to get out of the traumatic period.
and mindfulness is "experience but not definition":
You just slowly approach your own feelings and see what they want to reveal to you what they want to reveal to you;
You try to accept the repetition of emotions, do not define emotions as "good" or "bad", and treat yourself patiently like a child;
You will not always force yourself to speculate on what the starting point is behind this feeling, and that kind of thought represents what you must do...
Whether it is facing the other party or targeting yourself, over-interpretation, over-speculation, and over-judgment are always more harmful than good.
You can treat this time as a serialized story, and do not rush to the ending, but accompany yourself to uncover and explore the plot of each page with curiosity.
What makes the damage gradually weaken is not self-indulgent or obsession, but self-care in these mindful ways.
In fact, the job of a professional consultant is often just to do these things -
helps visit to take back excessive attention to others and guide them to explore themselves;
deeply tracks the mode and intensity of "visuality" of visits, and assists visitors to pay attention when they do not pay enough attention to themselves;
takes too much attention to visits, too strong judgment, or even falls into self-indulgence to bring them back to a healthy level of psychological activity.
So I know very well that it is not easy to do this, and you should give yourself time and tolerance more.
03 Let go of self-reproach and understand self-needing
"Why can't I bear to leave someone who betrayed me? I'm useless!"
"Why haven't I gotten out of the pain for so long? So spineless!"
"Stop crying! It's not worth shedding a tear for such a person!"
"If I had a little bit of self-esteem, I would have divorced him long ago!"
...
Are these words very familiar? Yes, they are the voice inside you who have been criticizing yourself and even humiliating yourself.
When physically injured or sick, we always take care of ourselves carefully and be gentle to ourselves; but when faced with our hurt hearts, many people are very strict and even rough.
If your lover hurts you, you have to scold yourself and force yourself. If you tear the wound a little bigger, how can it be easier to heal?
Emotional pain is no different from stomach pain. What makes you heal is not to belittle your own pain, but to find clues from the pain, understand your needs and make them effectively respond.
When you have stomachache, we will go to the hospital and do gastroscopy to see where the stomach is problem. gastric ulcer takes stomach medicine, and intestinal problems will be treated according to intestinal problems;
is emotionally injured. You can also relieve pain by understanding the meaning behind emotions and listen to your feelings. What is it telling you?
feels wronged , is it because you always focus on yourself and ignore yourself, and your emotions want to help you get rid of your self-repression?
Feeling Angry , is it because you are used to solving things only and not taking care of your mood, and your body is reminding you not to be too anxious about yourself and to spend time caring for your soul?
Although some negative emotions will cause you pain, as long as it is your emotions, they occur out of good intentions, because people will not hurt themselves from the bottom of their hearts.
Treat your feelings as friends rather than enemies, and try to see what their needs they have and what kind of help they are calling for you to give them.
You are strong and you are fragile. Let go of your self-reproach, stop "stopping" and take good care of yourself in every cross-section.
Finally, I want to say, I know that you may feel indignant when you are deeply suffering from betrayal. You think it is him who did the wrong thing, but why is it that you have to overcome difficulties and obstacles to heal.
I understand this is cruel, but in fact, it is not for the sake of my partner, but for the sake of being more comfortable. In the end, whether it is to leave or stay, I have the ability to make choices that are beneficial to me.
And self-care is the best way to relief. Learn to love yourself, and no one else can take advantage of this "cheap".
I know very well that it is not that easy to keep caring for ourselves, because we always overestimate our understanding of ourselves, or feel bored of always paying attention to ourselves, but in our lives, only ourselves will be tied to ourselves every minute and every second.
Be kind to yourself, so that your injuries will heal faster and you will live happier every day in the future.
