In the past month, I felt like I was trapped in a terrible vicious cycle. I watched my mother fall asleep every day. Before going to bed, I would pray that I could see my father again in my dreams and hear my father say something to me, even if it was just a smile. , but dreams a

Father, I hope you are well in the distance, and I will work hard to live my life!

Today is the 30th day since my father left me. It was supposed to be the last day that I would go home for the Dragon Boat Festival. As usual, my father would send me to Station, watched me enter the station before leaving. It's Father's Day in one week, but he will never hear me say "Happy Father's Day, Dad".

In the past month, I felt like I was trapped in a terrible vicious cycle. I watched my mother fall asleep every day. Before going to bed, I would pray that I could see my father again in my dreams and hear my father say something to me, even if it was just a smile. Laugh, but there are always few dreams.

I have never slept in again. I always feel lost in a daze for a while in the morning. When I see my mother coming back from a walk alone, I know that I have to start a new day of restraint. I listen to my mother telling stories about my father when he was young and watch. Mom cried.

Busy work can make me "forget" for a while, which is what I need at the moment, but once I stop, everything returns to its original state; after a busy day, I turn off all the lights, and I can finally be alone Quietly thinking about the past between me and my father, there are so many memories that I think about them differently every day.

Day after day, maybe this is a vicious cycle, but it is also the psychological comfort that can support me at the moment; maybe this makes me unable to find an outlet to release, but this is the only thing I want to do at the moment.

My father has a tall body, handsome appearance, and a simple, kind, optimistic and open-minded heart.

My father’s life was short and tortuous, and he lived a difficult life. He had a heavy burden on his shoulders from childhood to adulthood. He was hard-working, frugal, optimistic, and contented. I am proud to have such a father. But now, all that is left to me is endless thoughts.

My father is a skilled worker who has been dealing with work where "a slight difference can lead to a loss of a thousand miles" all year round. It is these high-speed machines and sharp steel that often cause injuries to my father. In that apprenticeship era where "the master would starve to death after teaching the apprentice", my father would buy many, many books to teach himself, and these books were kept until I graduated from graduate school.

When I was very young, I would often stay in my father's workshop, sitting aside and watching my father draw drawings and operate machine tools seriously.

My father taught me to be conscientious, meticulous and meticulous in doing things, and to rely on myself to study and struggle in everything I do. This is also the most precious thing my father left me.

My father is introverted and shy when interacting with others, but he is very popular. He is gentle and accommodating and never fights with others. Both his colleagues and friends speak highly of his father, which makes him so popular in the end. Many people came to see my father off and shed tears of regret.

My father has a tenacious will that ordinary people don’t have. Whatever he decides to do, he will stick to it and work hard. He believes that as long as you put in the effort, you will be rewarded. My father never said a word when he had minor injuries and pains. When he had gallstones many times, he was in unbearable pain, but he still smiled and dealt with it.

My tooth hurt all night, and I just drank cold water all night, so I went to the hospital to have it extracted the next day. My hand was seriously injured, and I went to the hospital for stitches and was told that no anesthetic was needed.

My father always told me not to be afraid of injections, they don’t hurt at all, just like a mosquito bite, but I always don’t believe it. I still remember that when I was a child, I was sick and needed an injection. I ran all the way home from the hospital with my father chasing me. From now on, I will think carefully about what my father said to me, because when I go to the hospital, my father will no longer be with me.

In the past twenty-nine years, my father has been busy with work and has been away from home for many years, so I will stay with my parents whenever possible. My father was always responsive to my requests. He never said a harsh word, but always said "囡囡". My mother once told me that my father had always said he wanted a daughter before I was born, and he finally got his wish.

When I was in school, whenever I won awards or received honors, my father was always the first to be happy for me. When I was a graduate student, whenever I published a paper, I would give it to my father with a sample journal, and my father would wear reading glasses and read it carefully. to read.As far as I am concerned, my father is a big tree that protects me from wind and rain. His broad shoulders and thick palms give me a sense of security.

But I can only see such a father by flipping through photos or in my dreams.

I often think about it but never dare to take the initiative to think about everything that happened in that half day. In this short period of time, a living person's life ended, and it shattered all my beautiful imaginations about the future.

From the confusion when I received the call from my mother, to praying that my father was safe, to learning on the phone that the hospital had given up on rescuing my father, I had only one thought at the time, I just wanted to see my father as soon as possible.

I recalled the phone call with my father the night before over and over in my mind. My father was talking and laughing, and told me to go to bed early. When I arrived, I ran out of the taxi and tried to run home. At this time, many people were already downstairs, but my legs were completely out of control. It was extremely difficult to walk only one flight of stairs.

As soon as I entered the door, I saw my father lying quietly on the simple wooden board in the living room. My knees had already brought me to the ground heavily. I gently leaned on my father's body and carefully opened my father's face covering. I saw that his eyes were closed and his face was as usual. Except for his face being a little purple, it was no different from when he was asleep. I didn't believe him even more. I really left, but I called my dad loudly and constantly, but I never got a response.

When my mother, who was crying on the sofa, heard that I came back, she ran over and cried in front of my father. With the joint efforts of everyone, my father was carried into the ice coffin. The transparent coffin lid allowed me to look at my father all the time. Under my father's body is the sheet I used before, hoping to bring a little warmth to my father.

As an only daughter, I am unable and do not know how to take care of my father’s funeral. Thanks to the help of my senior brother, god-sister, cousin and family members.

My mother and I chose a photo of my father when he was young. He looked so energetic. I went to the emergency room of the hospital to ask the doctor about the cause of my father's death. The doctor issued a death certificate of myocardial infarction for my father. I held in my hands the medical records and critical illness notice that stated that my father had no vital signs when he was sent to the hospital. I still couldn't believe that on weekdays, Why did the strong father become like this?

Yesterday I watched the second episode of the documentary "Human World 2" "Birthday". In it, a 25-year-old heart disease patient died after undergoing intense resuscitation in the intensive care unit. He saw the doctor perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation and declare his death. I have not experienced the condition of my parents and relatives, but I can imagine the situation when my father was rescued in an emergency and my mother’s inner suffering and collapse at that time. It was me who was unfilial. I was not with my father at this last moment, which also made it impossible for my father to say anything to me.

In the next two days and two nights, I kept looking at my father and never looked at my face again. My mother shouted to my father loudly, saying that everyone else had a father, and from now on I would not have a father, and I could only stay. Crying there.

In the early morning of the third day, my father was taken to be cremated. I personally signed the document agreeing to the cremation of his body and saw with my own eyes that my father’s life was ended.

My father’s urn is made of raw stone and is really heavy, but I still stubbornly insisted on carrying my father’s urn for the last journey. My father yearned for a rural life and liked to be self-sufficient. I always said that my father was like a hermit. I hoped that a cemetery surrounded by water and fields would be a place that my father would like.

After taking care of his father's funeral, he returned home. Everything had changed. There was no trace of his father's breath in the house full of his father's footprints.

I slept with my mother, saw her wake up countless times, heard my mother call me my father's name many times, and watched my mother think of my father all the time at home. I wanted to say that I was not the same. ! I heard my mother asking my father countless times how a good man could pass away at such a young age; I saw my mother secretly crying in the kitchen outside the window.

Dad, why didn’t you leave me a word?

Tell me, how should I comfort my mother?

Who will comfort me?

I never believe in promises, just like my father’s promise to watch me give birth to a baby and help me take care of the baby, but it can never be fulfilled. I have also been regretting that I did not take my father for a physical examination, buy more things for him, and take him out more often.

At last year’s wedding, my father led me towards marriage. I hugged my father deeply, but I also saw his loneliness and sadness. I tried hard to make my father feel that his married daughter was still his most caring little cotton-padded jacket, but time no longer gave me this opportunity.

When I was 18 years old, my grandfather passed away. It was the first time since I can remember that I felt so close to death. My grandfather was 81 years old when he passed away. He passed away painfully after three months of illness. I still remember that when I came home from school that day, I immediately ran over to see my grandfather lying on the hospital bed. My grandfather told me that he was fine and asked me to Go have dinner quickly.

Late that night, I lost my grandfather who grew up with me. It took me many years, and I still miss my grandfather very much, but I don’t shout so loudly anymore. However, my father's death did not leave me a single word. I was so confused that I didn't know what to do.

has always been thinking about where people go when they die. There are mentions of the theory of lights extinguishing after death, the theory of becoming ghosts and gods after death, the theory of reincarnation, the idea that people will go to another planet to continue living after death, and how to deal with quantum after death. Overlaying the theory of state and so on, I would rather believe that my father is only temporarily separated from me. He has stepped out of the dimension of time and has been paying attention to me in a place where I can't see. I hope that what I say, think and do will be my father's. can see.

And I can only keep my father in my heart forever, turning into longing until the day I pass away; trying to adapt to this changed life, trying to make my mother miss my father better, and get rid of endless self-blame and Regret and live healthily.

Human beings are born with death, and "born into death" is interpreted by us as risking one's life, regardless of personal safety. In fact, the original source is from Chapter 50 of "Laozi": "Being born into death. There are three out of ten disciples of life; there are disciples of death." "The road is three out of ten", which means that as soon as a person is born, he goes straight to death. I have seen before that there is a sentence in the "Tao Te Ching" that expresses the meaning of "He who dies but does not die will live ", that is to say, a person dies, but his spirit, character, reputation, etc. do not die in the world. It’s true longevity.

I once heard a person say that he is not afraid of death, but is afraid of being forgotten.

I hope that my father’s legacy and our deep memory of him will make him live longer even if he dies. I also hope that my father will be well in the distance!

Death is a required course in the process of human growth. Time is the best medicine. Everything will return to peace. You just have to endure the change and reality that a person will disappear forever.

Maybe I will gradually become happier, but I can never find the carefree smile I had before.