Keywords: The man went from being submissive to cheating and divorce
Question: When I was about 20 years old, he was submissive to me, but he would not spend much money on me, and I was financially independent. We didn’t value these things either, so we chose to get married naked after five years of dating.
I went to his rural home once during my relationship and learned that his family was very poor, but I just thought that my husband’s family was too poor to support us, and we could struggle on our own.
After I got married, I found out that my husband’s family owed a lot of debt (my mother-in-law was a gambler and my father-in-law was lazy), and they needed my husband to support them with thousands or tens of thousands every year. They even had to give money to renovate a house in the countryside. My parents-in-law always asked for the money without telling me. .
The amount of his salary has always been kept secret from me. If the family needs money, they will always say that they don’t have any money. After marriage, our finances will be independent.
With the birth of my child, I considered that the child would need a house to study, so I used all my savings of more than 100,000 yuan to pay the down payment for a house in my city (I asked him to find a way to borrow the remaining tens of thousands).
His parents did not support it at all, and scolded us for being unfilial. We should give them the money to build a house in the countryside (the reason was that my brother-in-law needed a new house when he got married).
Except for taking my children back to my husband’s house during holidays, I rarely go to my husband’s house, and my husband’s family doesn’t want to see me either.
After buying the house, my husband is responsible for the monthly loan of several thousand dollars, and my salary is responsible for the children and family expenses. It is okay to live a simple life.
But within 2 years, my husband started working overtime to socialize, drinking five or six days a week, coming home in the middle of the night, and I was basically responsible for the children's housework, just like a single mother.
As his job position rose, his income increased and his temper became stronger.
Because he never lets me know the money he earns. When I ask him for living expenses, he always says he has no money, which makes me want to know where he spends his money?
I found out from WeChat Moments (picture below) that he cheated on a fat and ugly female colleague. He spent tens of thousands to open a house and buy jewelry and even rented a house to live together. However, he had always been stingy with me and my children. I realized that I had been cheating on him for so many years. Pay in vain.
I didn’t go to his workplace to make a fuss and directly applied for a divorce certificate (the house and the children belong to me). He refused to move because the children needed a complete home and slept separately.
He still eats and drinks. I don’t have any trust in him. How can I completely get rid of this scumbag?
cold love reply:
The above story is a very typical emotional story, once again showing us the "power reversal" in relationships.
The so-called "power reversal" refers to the huge contrast between the beginning and the end of a relationship. For example, for this heroine, when she was about 20 years old, her husband was completely submissive to her, but now her husband is getting more and more angry and cheating on a fat and ugly female colleague.
"Power reversal situation" is also a pitfall to be avoided mentioned in our [Mission Psychology] pitfall prevention guide.
I can understand the anger and pain of the heroine. She originally chose to have a naked marriage with her husband. She has always relied on her own efforts to buy a house and raise a child, and it has not been easy along the way.
I also hope that everyone can avoid the big pit of "power reversal" in their relationship.
So how to avoid it? I will share from the following two aspects.
First, don’t expect the other party to be obedient.
Many girls try to be submissive to boys when they are in a relationship. This is actually a very bad start, but they will mistakenly think it is love.
Everyone must remember:
Being obedient is not true love. Submission is not love.
Obedience is a mask with a knife hidden behind it; obedience is a strategy with hatred hidden behind it.
No matter how filial a person is to his parents, it is difficult for him to be obedient to them, let alone to others?
is like the heroine's husband. His obedience at the beginning is his mask and a strategy to marry the heroine. If he is not obedient, he will not spend money on the heroine, and the heroine will definitely not be willing to marry her, let alone marry him naked.
His obedience provides the heroine with the ultimate emotional value, but in his heart he is angry and resentful towards the heroine. Because he is a human being with flesh and blood and emotions, not a cold, emotionless puppet.
Therefore, as his job position rose and his income increased, his temper became stronger and stronger. He later cheated on a fat and ugly female colleague, spending tens of thousands to open a house and buy jewelry, and even later rented a house to live together, but he was always stingy with the heroine and her children.
This is his revenge on the heroine, and the innocent children are also implicated because of their parents' relationship.
As for the female colleague he cheated on, no matter whether she is old or ugly, one thing is certain: he found a man's dignity and sense of worth in front of this female colleague.
Of course, no matter what, his cheating is very wrong and irresponsible.
And what kind of girl would want a man to be submissive to her? A girl who makes a lot of unreasonable demands.
Why do you ask the other party to comply? It's because the request I made is unreasonable.
If a girl’s request is reasonable, can the other party refuse to agree? If a person can agree sincerely, there is no need to compromise and obey.
Therefore, the female protagonist sees that she has a strong desire for control and insecurity, and hopes that the other person will act according to her own wishes like a puppet on strings. She hopes that the other person will meet her needs without any bottom line or principles.
Therefore, in order to avoid "power reversal", don't expect the other person to be submissive from the beginning in the relationship. A person who is completely obedient to you is likely to be a trap later.
2. Do what you want but don’t rely on it, grow up but don’t slaughter
If a girl’s comprehensive conditions are better than those of a man, it is the so-called down marriage. In order to avoid "power reversal", we must do what is said in the "Tao Te Ching" To "do it without relying on it, grow without killing it".
That is to say, don’t be arrogant because of your good conditions. Don't want to control or dominate the other person just because you are in a high position in the relationship.
respect and understand each other. Treat the other person as a human being, rather than a tool that can constantly extract emotional value and satisfy your various unreasonable needs.
Life may last thirty years in Hedong or thirty years in Hexi. No one can guarantee that he will be in a high position throughout his life.
usually achieves the goal of "doing things without relying on them, growing up without killing them" and accumulating enough character and kindness. Then if you are in trouble or the other person becomes successful, the other person will still treat you kindly.
In addition, when you are together, you must also be willing to do so, and don't always feel that you are at a loss.
You must know that you choose to be with the other person. No matter how poor or frustrated the other person seems, it must be because you value something valuable in the other person, such as coveting the emotional value of the other person.
Moreover, if you always feel that you have lost money, you will definitely have troubles and troubles frequently in order to achieve psychological balance, but feelings cannot withstand the torment. Even if the other party tolerates and coaxes you at the time, one day these grievances and anger will erupt.
The above two points are guidelines for preventing pitfalls in the "power reversal game".
In the first dimension of our [Mission Psychology] survival period, preventing pitfalls, cultivating the mind, and forming a team are three important things. Preventing pitfalls can at least ensure that we are "good people who have a safe life."
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