Wen\一草
Last time, we shared the book "Just Right Intimacy" about "3 points to pay attention to when establishing long-term intimacy".
In this issue, I will share with you the book, about "intimacy, we have three misunderstandings in understanding".
The first misunderstanding: Love can resolve all loneliness
Famous psychologist Wu Zhihong once said:
On the contrary, we are all immersed in the way we treat our lover and think that we are the only right one, which leads to loneliness in love, and you will find that the more we love each other, the more lonely we are.
Falling in love cannot solve all problems. On the contrary, because of love, some problems will follow one after another.
Love is a double-edged sword. There is beauty and cruelty.
Because, the fatal flaw of love is that it is fickle.
In fact, not only love, but also other emotions will constantly change.
There will be a change in the relationship between parents and children when they are young, and the relationship between parents and children in adulthood.
The author said:
Under certain circumstances, love can certainly alleviate loneliness, but in unfavorable circumstances, love can also deepen loneliness.
Unlike "love", "intimacy" can always reduce loneliness.
Love and family affection are just a kind of relationship. Whether this relationship is moving toward intimacy or alienation is a question mark.
Intimacy is a choice, and so is alienation.
Don't think that love will help us maintain all feelings. Only when we work hard to create intimacy, love will help us resolve loneliness, otherwise, it may be the opposite.
The second misunderstanding: family relationships naturally have a sense of intimacy
Home is a safe haven for our lives.
We think that as long as we are a family, we will care for each other and warm each other.
However, we have overlooked a problem: in the family members, maybe not everyone can get close to you naturally. Some people, perhaps a certain cousin or a certain uncle, may turn out to be the object of ridicule.
Everyone has a different definition of family.
In addition, not all families are due to blood relationship, some are also based on parenting relationship.
So, what exactly is home?
Maines has this interpretation of the family: "Family is a small group, with a common cultural identity as the link, the establishment of marriage or similar contractual relationship. Because of blood or adoption, in a certain period of time, together Live and live."
However, such a contract is not stable.
Blood relationship and adoption relationship are just some forms. If you don't care about it, you can't achieve the effect of intimacy.
The author of this book gave a new definition of "home". She said:
In my opinion, the basis of family comes from a feeling, a feeling of intimacy. Intimacy makes a family feel at home. No close family relationship is as bad as other relationships lacking understanding and love.It's even worse, because we tend to have higher expectations for family relationships.
Therefore, even a family requires us to manage it carefully to create that kind of "intimacy".
As the author said:
Any interpersonal relationship can become close, and it can also become alienated. Even parents or family members may be estranged.
There is no interpersonal relationship, it is natural intimacy.
The relationship between parents and children, although it comes from nature. However, if you do not care about business, it will also create estrangement and alienation.
The third misunderstanding: walking into the crowd can alleviate loneliness
There is a good saying: If loneliness can be cured by the crowd, it is not loneliness.
The author summarizes our relationship in the crowd as "situational intimacy", namely:
describes those inactive interpersonal relationships that approach us because of certain situations. The four roommates in the same dormitory, the classmates who go to class together, and the colleagues who work in the same office all have this relationship.
People who are together for a certain purpose have different needs, so it is difficult to have an intimate relationship.
The author gave an example in the book:
For example, if you chat with a classmate next to you because you are a little lonely, and he chats with you, maybe he just wants to better understand the content of the course and respond to you. The author of
concludes:
has a completely different purpose and intent. I want to resolve loneliness through this kind of situational intimacy.The results may disappoint you.
Colleagues in the unit do not get together because they like each other, but only because they make money.
In today's increasingly large organization, colleagues in different departments may not know each other, let alone have any close relationships. It seems like a fantasy to get rid of loneliness.
Psychology expert Jennifer Mueller coined the term "relationship loss". Relationship loss means that as the team grows larger, individual members will feel that the care and help they receive is gradually reduced, and they will become more lonely.
Today, our relationship is due to the advancement of science and technology. In the past, we needed to meet and solve the problems, but now a phone call and a WeChat can be completed.
Technology shortens the time and space for communicating with each other, but extends the actual distance between each other in space.
However, if you want to improve your personal relationships in the workplace or school, the author gave a good method, which is "Create intimacy through close contact."
The author gave a concept called " Repetitive work".
For example, at a fixed time every day, drinking tea together in the company's pantry, talking about work and hobbies, these are all good ways of communication.
It doesn't matter, it can be managed without effort.
There is no easy thing in the world. Only when we work hard can we have good results.
In life, there is learning everywhere.
Today’s sharing is over here, thank you for reading.
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