Reader question: Hello General, although I don't have any story to tell, I really want to talk to you about my confusion.
I am a female student who has not graduated. I have talked about two romances. After the love period is over, I will always face the same problem. I can't help but compare the current behavior of the other party with the previous ones. Many small ones detail.
For example, when he sent WeChat before, he would often ask me if he missed him, and he often took the initiative to tell me that he missed me, but now he rarely said that he missed me. , Hee hee and the like passed back.
The more you compare, the more doubtful you are. Can't understand why the other party can't be like before? I feel that he has paid less, so I feel that the other party doesn't like me anymore and starts to think about breaking up.
I feel like I’m not good at managing intimacy, and I don’t know what to do to free myself from this emotion.
Because both relationships are like this, I began to suspect that I have a problem, but I don't know where the problem is, so I don't know how to solve it.
General Answer:
Your confusion will make a lot of girls empathize. After the love period, the other party’s sweet words are less, not so greasy, you think TA has changed, and you don’t love so much.
This may not be your problem, nor his problem, but the "problem" of the relationship itself.
A mature relationship must go through 4 stages, coexistence, anti-dependence, independence and symbiosis.
"Coexistence" is equivalent to the period of passionate love, and "anti-dependence" means that after a passionate love one party starts to want more time for himself, it will show that he is no longer sticking to the other party, and at the same time, what you said "he has changed" will appear. , The output of sweet words is reduced, and the emotional response to you is not as frequent and enthusiastic as before.
This is an inevitable stage, which is very normal. Both the ambiguous period and the passionate love period require strong output of "like" and "missing" to confirm each other's minds.At that time, the concentration of passion was the highest, and there would be the urge to express frequently.
But no one can always be in a state of high passion.
It will make our brain pay more resources to deal with it. The nerves are overloaded and exhausted. The brain nerves will automatically adjust our feelings. After a certain high level of excitement, it will decline.
It’s just that you two don’t have the same frequency now, and if he “snap” first, you will be lost.
But this does not mean that the other party does not like you. The degree of a person’s likes to another person is actually fluid and changing. Love and likes are composed of moments. It may not be a continuous and stable horizontal line, and the manifestations of different periods and stages are different.
It doesn't mean that I want you to love you or I like you every day. The reduction of sweet words does not mean that there is no giving. "Giving" is multi-layered. Falling in love between two people does not just rely on verbal "paying."
You can think back to your daily relationship, do you have more understanding and practical actions about each other? In addition to expressing love, do you have closer and deeper conversations.
To tell you the truth, if I still want you and I love you all day after the love period, I will feel that this relationship has not progressed and deepened, and can only be supported by superficial words.
Of course, there are also two variables that cannot be ignored, age and gender. When I was young, I was really sensitive to verbal love. One was because my life was not fulfilling enough and I had leisure time; the other was because the two people involved in each other's lives were relatively shallow when they were students.
Entering society is different. You have to deal with work colleagues and bosses every day, and you have to consider rent, water, electricity and transportation in your life. At that time, what you miss, love or not, is not the first thing.
Can two people communicate with each other on work and life, and if can respond to each other when they need support and encouragement? These can reflect the relationship more than saying "I miss you" and "I love you" a hundred times. Not intimacy,Is it full of love?
And girls do have a higher demand for emotional expression. This is a neutral statement and does not contain any value judgments.
You can express to your boyfriend frankly that you hope that he can express more emotions instead of thinking about yourself, and at the same time adjust yourself to pay more attention to the actions of the other party and the relationship itself. Words are just icing on the cake.
Looking at your question, I remembered a movie I saw. A couple who had been married for many years chatted. The wife asked her husband, why have you not told me you love me for so many years? The husband replied, I said that I love you when we got married, and if the situation changes, I will tell you again.
I understand, how about you? #恋爱# #恋爱故事# #热恋期#
.General Guo, Beijing Normal University Master of Psychology, National Second-level Psychological Counselor, Han_ span77span 【ONE】Popular author, author of books "You are still a stranger to yourself" and "The world prefers you who heal and enjoy yourself".
