Many mothers have this question: Why do I love my children so much, but I keep yelling at him all day long?
After a busy day, I went home from get off work. I planned to live in peace with my son, and bought him the pork ribs I liked to eat the most. But as soon as I opened the door, I saw the house full of messes. My son was sitting on the sofa watching TV casually, and suddenly became angry, followed by a "storm".
Almost all parents know that yelling is one of the worst ways to educate, but what they can’t control themselves. How can we become a quiet and peaceful, good mother who is not anxious or impatient?
Why can’t I help but yell at the child?
1. Passed from generation to generation
The so-called "the dragon-slaying boy finally becomes an evil dragon". Many parents hate roaring parents the most when they were young, but when they were fathers and mothers, they would yell at their children at any time.
In the final analysis, this is because the educational methods of roaring have been passed down from generation to generation. When we were young, we were roared by our parents. In the process of observing our parents to understand the world, we would inadvertently learn this educational method. It is difficult to control our own emotions and become a "roaring" parent.
2. Special emotional mechanism
British psychologist Linda Kaye has conducted research on the relationship between image and text information and the brain. She found that when scene images are accepted into the brain, the thinking process will be skipped and the emotional processing mechanism will be directly activated, and when processing text, logical thinking will be first carried out.
For example, when we see the child’s apology letter, although the letter states the child’s naughty today, we will not feel angry. But if we directly witnessed the child’s “scene of crime” when we get off work, then this scene image will instantly arouse our anger, activate the emotional processing mechanism, and yelling will become an inevitable result.
3. Take off your anger on others
Many parents will have such problems. Perhaps there is a conflict between husband and wife, or they encounter difficulties when they go to work during the day and are scolded by their boss. When they get home, they will look at their children horizontally and dislike them. Even if it is a small mistake, they will be furious.
This is because parents subconsciously believe that even if they treat their children as punching bags, even if they yell or scream, they will not have serious consequences. Therefore, they will become angry and use their children's mistakes to use their mistakes to vent their accumulated emotions.
Children who are often yelled will have their IQ reduced
Some parents will think that their children will be so angry every minute, how can they not yell or scold them? If you don’t do it, you will have “burn high incense”. Besides, no child has ever been yelled by his parents, and he has not grown up yet.
However, the harm to children is far greater and far-reaching than we imagined. Scientific research has found that children who are often scolded by their parents will have significant impact on their brain development and IQ.
psychiatry professor Teicher, a professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, has conducted extensive research on the long-term harm of parents' verbal attacks, among which verbal violence by parents includes long-term yelling, rebuke, curse, blame, insult, threats, belittle, make fun of them, etc.
In 2009, Teicher's team found that the brains of adults who had suffered from verbal violence from their parents, Wernik's district (mainly responsible for understanding spoken language) have decreased connections to the prefrontal lobe, and the fewer connections in these two areas, the worse a person's verbal comprehension will be.
echoes the results of this study that people who often suffered from verbal violence from their parents when they were young had only 112 points, which is much lower than those who did not have similar experiences.
In 2018, Teicher's team once again discovered that verbal violence changed the children's processing circuit for sensory signals, and the size of hippocampus and corpus callosum both decreased, affecting the children's memory ability and emotional intelligence. In Teicher's view, this impact is comparable to the harm caused by witnessing domestic violence.
Don’t yell or scream. These 3 tricks are better for children to use
1. Accept children
There is no perfect child. If we use the perfect standards in our hearts to demand children, it is easy to lose control of emotions due to huge psychological gaps.
Einstein once said: "If you judge the ability of a fish based on whether you can climb a tree, you will think it is stupid all your life."
Only when we know how to accept children, understand their imperfections, and see their strengths, can we reconcile with ourselves and with children.
2. Guide children to express emotions
Emotional effects are often mutual. When we lose our temper and yell at the child, the children will also produce "negative energy" to form confrontation between each other.
When we find that our children make mistakes, we might as well guide the children to express their emotions and see where the problem lies. The two sides have a rational communication.
3. Apologize in time afterwards
Many parents will regret it after yelling at their children, but because they want to maintain their own "authority", they will only show kindness to their children in a tactful way, rather than apologizing actively.
However, yelling will cause real harm to the child. Once we yell at the child, we should immediately put down our posture, apologize in time afterwards, and tell the child that what he did just now was wrong. Mom still loves you. Next time, we will try our best to control our emotions and try to comfort the child.
Waomo Conclusion:
Most people have had the experience of being yelled at by their parents in childhood. It is precisely because of this that some people say, "Parents are waiting for us to thank, but we are waiting for our parents to apologize."
I hope all parents can understand that their children may not be as perfect as they imagined, but they are independent individuals with their own advantages and strengths. We must treat them equally, rather than yelling at will, causing lifelong harm.
Today's topic: Do you usually yell at your child?
I am @波, I have a cute baby at home, focusing on the research on knowledge during pregnancy and parenting. For more information, please follow me.
