1, why are you full of happiness before marriage and have severe insomnia after marriage?
Ms. html said she suffered from moderate anxiety, which was the "conclusion" of her going to the hospital for treatment due to severe insomnia in the past six months. Her presentation of her marriage and psychological state: I have been in love with him for 5 years and have a son who is one year old. Two years ago, he loved me so much that he was afraid of falling off when holding it in his palm and was afraid of melting when holding it in his mouth. But soon after getting married, he changed and was cold to me, had many social engagements, went home late, or even didn't go home at night, cheating, and everything that shouldn't have happened. I can't imagine that he would betray our feelings. He made me feel irritable, insomnia for a long time, trapped in a marriage without love, and didn't know where to go.
The story of Ms. html is very common. The reason for happiness before marriage and insomnia after marriage seems to be clear at a glance. But many unfortunate people like her may not know and understand the reasons for the misfortune, in addition to being hurt by a man's transference, her own anxious personality also hurts her.
People are essentially related species, and the health of their personality is determined by the pros and cons of their raising relationship after they are born. If the raising relationship is warm and safe, then he will internalize a safe and loving inner relationship. vice versa.
Marriage is a field that examines a person's inner relationship patterns. Many people with personality problems, such as narcissism and neuroticism, are easily unconsciously ignored by the other party after entering marriage, touching her fragile nerves, or activating her pathological need for care, and causing intimate conflicts.
The essence of an anxious personality lies in the fact that you are not famous for worrying. The inner reality of the person involved is: fear of losing important objects insecurity, long-term fear of loneliness and loss. As a result, anxious people will develop a series of "skills": they are extremely serious in doing things and are very sincere in their hearts to win the acceptance of intimate people and prevent the fear of being separated. Their motivation to use these "skills" is completely unconscious.
Ms. is such an anxious person. Before getting married, she attracted the favor of her boyfriend because of her gentleness, kindness, seriousness and simplicity. She experienced the completely accepted "father's love" she had never had before, and enjoyed the omnipotent happiness of baby. What she unexpectedly expected was that when time restored the truth of her husband, he also longed for love, and had the willful little boy side, rather than the "father" who could only give love, she collapsed.
Many women in marriage, like ladies, were initially cheerful, gentle and intellectual ladies, and gradually became the opposite of their original image, a bipolar, strong, and emotional resentful woman. Is it because men are too unreasonable and bullying? Or are women too cowardly and have a changing personality? Or something else?
Reality is almost always, and the "culprit of intimacy" is always unclear about the injury of intimate relationships. The so-called difficulty of a clean official in separating family affairs also shows that the conflict in relationships is difficult to find. Objectively speaking, both parties injured are perpetrators. But in those stories of turning from a little woman into a resentful woman, like a lady, it seems that what we see is that women are victims and men are persecutors.
Indeed, men become much worse after marriage and are more obvious, and women are mostly injured or passively "going bad". Once a marriage is formed, the appearance we see is: women lose control of their emotions and insomnia due to injuries, while men become more silent, do not return home at night, and evade responsibility. If we carefully analyze the causes of the divorce, we will find that the "hurt" or injury incident is just a fuse, and the woman's heart is filled with resentment, that is, the bipolar mood caused by her neurotic personality and lack of love is the source of the outbreak of the war.
Intimate relationship, if one party has tenderness and confidence in his heart, or, if there is no accumulated resentment, then the war cannot be burned, so how can it be hurt? As the saying goes, "There is no tree in Bodhi, and the mirror is not a platform; there is nothing in it, so where can dust be caused?"
A certain party in an intimate relationship is not just because of the other party's "too cruel" but mainly because the victim's mentality is weak and his own anxious personality that creates insecurity, which hurts the chain of emotions like the thorns on hedgehog .
2, , behind postpartum depression (here, refer to depression )
Many women, they are all well before marriage and pregnancy, but they are depressed after delivery.
Some women with postpartum depression already have obvious signs of depression before marriage and during pregnancy, but are ignored by themselves and their families; some women have no signs of depression before birth, but it means that they have depressive characteristics in their basic personality, otherwise they will not experience sudden depression after birth. Delivery is just an external cause that prompts her depression.
For women, production should be the harvest of life and the ultimate happiness, and it is of great significance. Then why do they "choose" to be depressed at this time?
Depressive reactions are regardless of age and occasion. They may occur at any time in life and can be as early as in infancy. If a baby within 18 months is ignored or abandoned for some reason, the baby will experience loneliness, melancholy and fearful emotions. The reason why women "choose" postpartum depression is that there is the following metaphor during the delivery period, which reflects the following psychological background of the mother:
(1) The original fear of life. Only when a person gives birth can he arouse his most primitive fear of separation. The postpartum depression highlights the depth of separation complex in the person involved. If the baby experiences excessive separation anxiety and depression during the mother-infant period, such as separation from January to several months, or continuous changes in raising people, then she will easily feel the depression of separation during the second maternal and infant period (particle period) of her life.
(2) After giving birth, I can see the once weak and helpless inner self through looking at the baby, which arouses the feeling of depression of self-loss and fear.
(3) The fear of losing love is aroused. The object in a relatively intimate relationship, the newborn symbolizes the competitor of love. People who highlight depression after giving birth may show fear of being no longer loved, which is a serious loss. If she had experienced the pain of her parents' love in her early stages, her birth younger brother and sister "snatched away" her parents' love, she would be more likely to feel lost after giving birth.
(4) Mapping of lack of love ability. When you have your own children, you suddenly feel a lack of confidence in caring and raising them, and you will feel helpless and depressed. Postpartum depression reflects that the mother is still a child who wants to eat or a girl who wants to be loved. It may also reflect that because she lacks the experience and confidence of her lover because of her lack of experience and feelings of being loved.
The motives of postpartum depression are complex, but through the above interpretations of postpartum depression, it is no longer difficult to understand why those first-time mothers "choose" for postpartum depression.
3, the outlet of emotions
Anxiety and depression are two different emotional and psychological diseases, but as an overreaction in a marriage relationship, they are common emotional diseases. To find the outlet for emotions, first get familiar with their differences.
has different differences, and the inner feelings are different. Anxious people often have inexplicable expectations and worries, and even feel the nervousness that is always in a panic. When interacting with each other, they will always remind each other: be careful in everything and pay attention to it. Depressed people always think about the past and care about the present, feel bored, and even feel desperate that "the end of the world is approaching", and feel cold when they get along with each other.
has two differences, and its internal motivations are different. Anxiety people are eager to be accepted and have an absolute sense of security. In close relationships, they are required by others according to their needs. Depressed people are eager to be loved and have an absolute sense of importance. They are highly sensitive to the views of others in their relationships, and they are often irritable and abused.
One of their common features is that they are extremely insecure and lack of boundary consciousness due to lack of love. In close relationships, they unconsciously infringe on the other party’s feelings and needs. The second commonality is that the sensitivity and fragility of neuroticism will immediately appear once the fear of loss is triggered by the real cause. Insomnia is just a physical symbol, representing that the tension of a premonition of threat spreads after the inner "worry" is detonated by someone or something. It is necessary to understand that sense of crisis is the personality trait of anxious and depressed people. The emotional pain they experience is strictly caused by their own personality, not harmed by others in the relationship.
So for those who are anxious and postpartum depression after marriage, we can consider it like this: accept "reasonable" emotions from a realistic perspective. Just like a person suffers from a cold, it is not a disease, but it is uncomfortable, but as long as we accept the inevitable and reasonable discomfort and rest more, it will naturally be cured. The same is true for negative emotions. It is not a problem in itself, but an inevitable result of worrying in your heart. We just need to accept it and accompany it. The principle of emotional processing is to express it without avoiding, hiding, blaming yourself, and express it without harm.
Previous analysis shows that anxiety and depression people often suffer from emotional outbursts due to fragile narcissism and lack of self-appreciation and love. Therefore, whether you are anxious after marriage or depression after giving birth, you should start by learning to accept yourself and appreciate yourself. In the long run, we should start by improving our personality. Although this is the most difficult thing to do when it comes to being easy, it is something that must be done to the road to healing. If you are willing to regard it as a goal to improve yourself, it is worth doing.
