Text | The problem of Mi Xiaomu’s mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has been difficult to solve through the ages. In Xiao Hong's "Little Reunion Wife", the originally healthy Little Reunion daughter-in-law cannot be said to have been caused by her mother-in-law, but she is still

text | Mi Xiaomu

The problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law has been difficult to solve through the ages.

In "Little Reunion Wife" by Xiao Hong, the originally healthy Little Reunion daughter-in-law, although it cannot be said that her final outcome was caused by her mother-in-law, it is also inseparable from her mother-in-law's participation. Two days ago, I saw a netizen discussing the confusion caused by her mother-in-law online. The mother-in-law doesn't shy away from anything at home. She can change and take off her clothes in front of her son, who is nearly 30 years old, without feeling embarrassed at all. In the process of raising the child, she can't stop being picky about her daughter-in-law. The trouble caused to her by the netizen's mother-in-law has seriously affected the life of the couple.

The mother-in-law and daughter-in-law problem seems difficult to solve. But after reading Mr. Fei Xiaotong ’s description of family relationships, everything seems to be clear. Mr. Fei Xiaotong has this passage in " Rural China ": The expansion route of the Chinese family is monolineal, that is, it only includes the paternal side; with a few exceptions, the family cannot include both the daughter-in-law and the son-in-law.

Mr. Fei Xiaotong’s description of family relationships reveals the essence through phenomena. Although times are developing, not everyone’s ideas have been updated. The "essence" is difficult to change. How to solve the problem between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law? There are answers in "Original Family·Marriage and Love Edition".

"Original Family: Marriage and Love Edition" is a recent work by the famous American psychotherapist Susan Forward. Speaking of reading Susan Forward’s book, that was also a coincidence. A few years ago in the library, I randomly read "The Toxic Parent" written by Susan Forward, and I was deeply attracted.

Later, when I read her book " Emotional Blackmail ", I learned about the concept of "emotional blackmail" for the first time. Looking back at the phenomenon in life, I found that there are quite a lot of "emotional blackmail" phenomena, and most people Not aware of it. At that time, I was moved not only by Susan Forward's accurate description of the phenomenon of "emotional blackmail", but also by the high frequency of such scenes in reality.

Opening the book "Original Family: Marriage and Love Edition" in her hand, Susan Forward's understanding of the nature of family relationships remains as clear as ever. In this book "Family of Origin: Marriage and Love Edition", Susan Forward specifically shares her observations about her partner's family of origin in marriage. In the book, the 5 different types of partner parents are analyzed, the real reasons behind them are analyzed, and most importantly, specific coping strategies are given.

In "Original Family·Marriage and Love Edition", you will see many other people's marriage and family stories, and you will also see how they cope with it, including the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. If your partner's parental behavior also troubles you, reading this "Original Family·Marriage and Love Edition" may help you get out of the confusion in your marriage.

Distinguish types, understand

Susan Forward, in "Original Family·Marriage Edition", divides parents of partners into 5 types:

1. Criticism type
2. Possessive type
3. Controlling type
4. Troublemaking type
5. Rejection type

Although Susan Forward gave 5 different types, but it is difficult for a person to completely correspond to a certain type. There may be two or two combinations of the five types, or there may be multiple combinations. For example, a combination of critical and controlling types may be seen in the same person, as well as a combination of possessive, controlling, and troublemaking types.

What is the use of knowing the type? Perhaps, as educational psychologist Graham Lumsden shared in "What Are Other Children Thinking When They Bully", when facing bullies, you can step back and observe them, so that you can do better Understand each other rationally.

When facing a partner’s parents, sometimes the “bullying” between children is similar to some extent. Understanding the type of parent the other person has is equivalent to taking a step back and understanding the other person better.

Clear away the fog and look for the reasons

After understanding the general types, follow Susan Forward to see what are the real reasons behind these types that allow parents of partners to continue to interfere in their marriage life?

Susan Forward analyzed many reasons. Among so many reasons, there are two points that can be seen in many people:

• Thinking that you are right
• Is the center of the universe

No matter anything, as long as When you are facing your daughter-in-law or son-in-law, no matter what, you are right. Another reason is that deep down in my heart, I naturally feel that I am the "center of the universe" and the "absolute authority" of this family. With this way of thinking as a foundation, whether it is a daughter-in-law or a son-in-law, they all need to be "pointed out" by their elders. The result of

's "pointing out", regardless of whether he or she has the upper hand, will definitely end because his or her "participation" will severely damage the couple's small family. Some people will be complacent about their "contributions", while others will be stuck in this way and "cannot extricate themselves". Apart from touching myself, it is others who are disgusted.

Of course, "thinking you are right" and "being the center of the universe" are just some of the reasons your partner's parents may have. As for Susan Forward's other wonderful analyses, they are shared in "Original Family·Marriage Edition".

Take action to change the status quo

Understand the type of your partner's parents, understand the real reasons for their behavior after breaking up, and expect the other person to take the initiative to make changes? Don't be naive, that's almost impossible to happen.

It is extremely difficult to change others, but it is easier to change yourself. How to change yourself? How to extricate yourself from the difficulties caused by your partner's parents? Susan Forward gives very practical countermeasures in the book. To sum up, the most useful are the following three points:

1. Change the concept

What kind of concept should be changed? Most importantly, let go of expectations. Let go of expectations for yourself, your partner, and your partner's parents. Don't expect to read a book. With your own power, you can change the status quo immediately.

Don’t expect that when you have a conflict with your partner’s parents, your partner will be the first to stand firm and defend yourself. Do you think that when your partner conflicts with your parents, your partner will naturally defend you? That was in a dream.

Most of the time, partners will stand by their parents unconditionally regardless of right or wrong. Therefore, when you have a conflict with your partner's parents, let go of your expectations of your partner and that your partner will stand on your side. How should you deal with your partner being against you? Susan Forward also made an analysis in "Family of Origin: Marriage and Love Edition".

Understand the type of your partner’s parents, understand the reasons behind their behavior, and expect the other person to make spontaneous changes? Never have such expectations. Once you have such expectations, disappointment is inevitable.

Changing your mindset and letting go of your expectations is the first step to making the current situation better.

2. Learn to love yourself

If you are stuck in the chaos of marriage, you must love yourself even more. Is it hard to love yourself? It can be really hard to love yourself when you are trapped in a marriage and have been suppressed for a long time. But loving yourself is easy. For example, say encouraging words to yourself every day and take the initiative to give yourself some alone time.

I have a friend who has just become a new mother. During her pregnancy, she rented a room opposite her home. What is this room used for? Use it to recharge yourself and your soul. Later, whenever she felt out of breath, she would run to the rented room, stay alone, and do what she liked without being disturbed. A short period of alone time gave her more strength to face real life again.

Love yourself well and start from where you can. When you learn to love yourself, you will find that you become stronger inside.

3. Start taking action

The troubles caused by partners’ parents are due to deep-rooted thoughts as analyzed by Mr. Fei Xiaotong, and also due to the reasons analyzed by Susan Forward.

Whether it is Mr. Fei Xiaotong's description or Susan Forward's more detailed analysis, all the crux, if boiled down to one word, is inseparable from "crossing the border."

has no boundaries and is a mess. Looking at the many cases shared by Susan Forward in the book, they are all inseparable from the shadow of "crossing the line."

When you have boundaries, you are free. However, even if you keep your boundaries, the person causing the trouble may not understand. What to do? to express and define boundaries.

Express your troubles, express your demands, express your boundaries, speak out. How to say? The sweet Susan Forward gives step-by-step instructions in the book. Of course, what if you expect Susan Forward to have a scripted solution to your problems? That was too embarrassing for Susan Forward, and too embarrassing for herself. What

can do is to refer to Susan Forward’s words, compare the type of parents of your partner, and find a way of expression that suits you and the other person. Only by expressing it can the other party have the possibility to change. If you don't express it, the other party will definitely not be kind enough to change themselves. Of course, it is very possible that even if you express your opinion, the other party will not be moved.

allows a person to go from having no boundaries to holding boundaries. There is a long, long way to go. When you express it, no matter how the other person reacts, the most important thing is that you redefine the boundaries. If you lack confidence, it is better to read this passage from Susan Forward:

Everyone’s position is different. Only you can decide where your bottom line is, but there is a point for everyone. The common thread is: you have to find the courage to take a stand, even if you still feel unsure or scared. This is the only way for us to grow.

Changing your mindset, learning to love yourself, and starting to take action can be practiced immediately. If you're struggling with your partner's parents, try these three steps. Of course, you can also read Susan Forward's "Original Family: Marriage and Love Edition", maybe you will find more surprises.

Your married life should be controlled by you.

I am Mi Xiaomu, a sincere reader and sharer, welcome to follow me.