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alone does not survive. If a person lives in a social group, he will inevitably need other people to help and cooperate in order to go further. But there are skills in helping people. If good deeds overflow without thinking, it will inevitably lead to bad results. If anything goes through, it will be bad.
"Zeng Guang Xian Wen" says: "A drop is like nectar when you are thirsty, and it is better to add a cup after drunk."
Kindness is indeed a virtue, but everything needs boundaries. Many people do not understand human nature and think that they only need selfless dedication. , Do not ask for a return, at least there will be a good ending, but in the end it will often be squeezed to the point that there is no residue left.
When we help others, we must understand that over-helping will only lead to dependence on the other person. The first response to a problem is not to solve it by ourselves but to look for dependence outside.
Once you stop helping and the long-standing interest relationship is broken, they will breed resentment, which is the so-called fighting.
saw an article in the circle of friends before, the title is "The colleague who took me a free ride for more than half a year blocked me": Lao Zhang and his colleague Lao Zhao live very close, and Lao Zhang will drop by to work every day after buying a car Bringing Lao Zhao, I was on the way, and Lao Zhang also felt that there was nothing to do. At the beginning of
, Zhao would also express his gratitude in words, but after a long time, Zhao behaved extremely naturally. He took the car on time and even adjusted the seat to the maximum so that he could sit comfortably. Every time
gets in the car, he is as presumptuous as he is in a private car, playing with his mobile phone, eating snacks and making calls, completely ignoring the old Zhang who is driving.
One day, Lao Zhang left early in a hurry. Unexpectedly, the call came just after the front foot was gone. As soon as Lao Zhang got on the phone, he heard the other party say: "You are too unsophisticated, so you don't even say hello. I left early." Lao Zhang said, "I'm in a hurry, I didn't have time."
, but the other party still reluctantly said: "Then you have to notify me in advance. I am still anxious to go home for dinner? The company’s shuttle bus has gone.”
Old Zhang was angry when he heard it, and replied: “Then take a special car, I am not your full-time driver.” The other party hung up the phone as soon as he heard it, and Zhang was in a hurry. Did not entangle him. When
got off work the next day, Lao Zhang sent a message to his colleague to leave, but he did not expect to remind him that he was no longer a friend of the other party. After that, Lao Zhao spread Lao Zhang's character, stingy, unkind, etc. everywhere.
This is a typical story of revenge, the farmer and the snake. Such cases are not uncommon in life.
If you give unprincipledly, you will give the other person an illusion that what you have is deserved. When one day you are unwilling or unable to give it, he will feel that his own interests have been harmed, and he will naturally I hate you.
can help people, everyone needs help from others, but how to help is more important, it can kill a lot of evil in the cradle.
The first principle of helping people: the other party has the willingness to get better.
must remember that mud is impossible to support the wall, unless it changes in quality and becomes good cement with hard texture, but the probability is very high. Low, so don't take risks.
A person who wants to be better, even if you just look at him more, he will feel that he is valued and become more positive.
When helping people, you have to judge whether the other person has the same value as you. This is not based on the person's order, but on the basis of psychology.
Psychologist Helinger once said: “When we give, we feel right, and when we accept, we feel obliged.”
Therefore, in giving and receiving, those who only give and do not accept have an absolute The right feeling is less burdensome and more comfortable than the recipient. Correspondingly, the receiving party will frequently feel heavy and depressed.
I have witnessed similar incidents with my own eyes: my cousin's family conditions are very good, her parents are both university professors, she has good looks and good schoolwork, which is a combination of beauty and talent.
When she was in college, she liked a young man. The young man is self-motivated. The only flaw is that her family is not good, but her cousin died.Life is just a fancy, and the family also showed respect. The two got married after graduating from college. When
got married, the cousin’s parents invested in buying a house for the young couple. After the marriage, they gave financial support every three to five times. The man did not live up to expectations. His work steadily increased as he wished. Everything is getting better and better, but the man But filed for divorce.
At that time, many people did not understand that the man was ungrateful, but when I read Helinger, I finally understood that in fact the man bears far more than the woman.
Because of his ability, it is very difficult for him to give the other party the same reward for a while. If he is a person with a conscience, he will definitely experience suffering in his heart. If he is a person with no conscience, things that have often happened in recent years are likely to happen. , The woman was eaten and wiped out.
So when you help someone, you must be careful, to put it simply, the other person is worth your help. The second principle of
helping people: Choosing to help younger groups
There are many charitable activities that care for the elderly. There is nothing wrong with respecting the elderly and loving the young. Everyone will grow old. The lives that have been struggling are indeed worthy of our awe.
But in fact, each fruit has its own cause. Most of the elderly are unwilling to take responsibility for their lives when they are young, and they will be exhausted in time when they are not willing to be responsible for their lives.
Instead of helping them, it is better to help children who are facing difficulties. From a human point of view, this is also a choice for maximizing benefits.
Some people may think that it is contradictory, why the society asks us to accumulate virtue and do good, while asking us to weigh the pros and cons.
Because the world is inherently a contradictory body, only by learning to find a balance between contradictions and conflicts, can the planted causes and results form a closed energy loop, otherwise it will be interrupted and accidents occur in other places, which is not good for the individual and the whole development of.
In real life, we always face some requests inevitably. If we still feel wrong after meeting the above conditions, we must not help.
Xi Murong once said: "If you think something is wrong, then no matter how you indulge and seduce people around you, you have to reject them." When you don't know how to choose, follow you heart.
- The End -
Author| Magic little
reference materials:
Heider, F. The psychology of interpersonal relations. New York: Wiley, 1958.
