Marriage is the grave of love, this is a widely circulated proverb.
Think about it, how many couples have a deep relationship before marriage, and love each other to death. It may be okay at the beginning after marriage, but after giving birth, chaos begins to follow one after another.
Mother-in-law, sister-in-law, career and family balance, various expenses, children's education... The seven-year itch also appeared.
After itchy, I was tired, I couldn’t make any noise, and no change happened. What should I do or what should I do? The throbbing, happiness, and rapid heartbeat that I was together at the beginning disappeared.
And most of the marriages of the previous generation are disappointing.
quarrels, cold wars, cheating... Even if you don't have a divorce, you just live together, which also makes many people fear marriage because of their original family, so marriage has become a very contradictory collective.
On the one hand, many people think that entering marriage is the most perfect ending of love and the beginning of happiness, so they have a super-real yearning for marriage.
On the other hand, many people firmly believe that marriage is a mess, which is the shattering of love. If you are a couple who have a different dream, it is better not to get married at all.
More and more people are afraid of marriage, not getting married or divorced, which seems to have verified that marriage is really the grave of love.
Even if some people who have found the so-called "true love" outside of marriage, they will be very sad to live a good marriage life after divorce and then merge.
And those old couples who have been married for eighty or nine years or more years still have strong feelings, mutual trust and loyalty, seem to be only in the legend.
Marriage is just like Qian Zhongshu Telling the secret of heaven: people outside want to go in, people inside want to come out.
After years of marriage, will there really be no love left? Marriage can only bury love?
Fortunately, in recent years, countless marriage experts and psychologists have studied many rules and discovered the mystery of difficult marriage to manage well.
If you can do these three things, it is not impossible for marriage to keep the sweetness of love.
1
Let go of changing the other party's obsession
If we analyze the reasons for the quarrel in marriage, we will find that most of them are because one of them has the obsession to change the other party.
You think he is not hygienic enough, and you talk about him day by day. He thinks you are too silly and wants to change you, so you fight against you and you start arguing.
You think she is petty and petty for small things. She always says she is not generous enough. She thinks you like to preach and be a teacher. She also wants to change you. If you say less, you will argue endlessly...
If you want to change the other person, we will fall into entanglement with the other person, and our efforts are often futile.
A person's behaviors and habits have been developed in his original family for decades. They are by no means just one sentence or two sentences. We can change it by making rules. We strive to change others, and we must be ourselves who are hurt and suffering.
If the other party continues to teach us repeatedly, it will arouse our sense of powerlessness, and even make some people think that the other party is against them, which will trigger strong negative emotions.
Confrontation, quarrel, power struggle... After a while, no change happened except for the quarrels and quarrels.
. It is something that must happen in almost every broken marriage.
Only by letting go of changing the other party’s obsession and accepting the other party’s true appearance will the confrontation disappear.
On the surface we let go of others, but in fact we let ourselves go.
We no longer spend our energy on changing the other party’s ineffective things, so that we can have more energy to build the marriage and family life we want.
And if the other party's habits are really unbearable, we should also think about it:
Assuming that the other party cannot change it 100%, can we accept it?
If you can't accept it, leave earlier and find someone else, it is a wiser and more energy-saving way.
2
Maintain your own spiritual independence
Many people think that independence means ensuring your financial independence.
Therefore, many women insist on finding a job after marriage, and even if it is very hard to take care of their children, they still have to earn an income.
But spiritual independence is actually not the same as economic independence. Even those who are economically independent may not be independent.
Similarly, there is a little lack of economics, and you can maintain spiritual independence. Spiritual independence is more important than economic independence.
Some common situations we have, such as the wife in a marriage is uncomfortable and wants the other party to take care of herself. This is of course OK, and it is not an exaggeration.
But if the other party fails to take care of himself for some reason, or fails to take care of himself properly, the wife will feel angry. This is a typical mental inseparable situation.
The wife regards the other party as an extension of her will and requires the other party to do things according to her own wishes at any time and serve herself. This situation exists in many families.
The husband feels that his wife should obey and listen to her own words, and that his wife should do what she arranges. This is also a manifestation of spiritual independence.
In psychology, psychologists call this situation "symbiotic strangulation".
My spirit is entangled with your spirit, and a body can only accommodate one soul, then either I kill your soul, or you kill my soul.
And many of these "symbiosis strangulation" in marriage are still under the name of love and take "for your good fortune".
For example, if you say it’s for your own good, but you require the other party to eat according to your own requirements, or to interfere with the other party’s work and friendship.
When we cannot guarantee our own boundaries, stick to our inner will, always go against our will, and are forced to obey the other party, and are unwilling to do so, how can we develop true love and gratitude for the other party?
No matter how deep the emotions are, they cannot replace the yearning for freedom.
Although marriage itself will make people lose a certain amount of freedom, it is impossible for people to be as willful as they were when they were single.
But if you lose too much freedom, you will be interfered with by another person in every move of food, clothing, housing and transportation. Of course, you can no longer have a good impression of marriage.
3
Turns outward shirk responsibility to seek inward
Many people's marriages will have some problems and contradictions, and our most common practice is to blame the other party for the focus of the problem, believing that it is the other party's fault.
is because he has a bad temper and cannot communicate, so we cannot communicate many things;
is because she is pretentious and stingy, so she can't handle the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, which makes me stuck in the middle and in a dilemma;
is because he is too lazy to do housework, so we quarrel all day over housework...
is because he is too lazy to do housework, so we quarrel all day over housework...
is easy to throw all the causes of the problem to others, because in this way we can occupy the moral commanding heights with confidence.
Become the "right" person, venting his emotions to the other party, shifting the responsibility to others, and not making any changes to himself...
can attribute all the problems to the outside world, believing that they are all other people's faults, and will not bring any good changes to our situation and precarious marriage, and at the same time cover up the real cause of the problems.
There is a saying: Explore outward, you are still dreaming, and you are exploring inward, and you are awake.
Marriage is the best place for intimate relationships and the best place to practice. Many problems that arise in marriage can be answered within us.
When we feel that the other party always ignores ourselves, while venting our emotions, we first explore whether we have neglected trauma within ourselves, and whether we regard some of the other party's very normal reactions as the other party's ignoring ourselves.
When we find that the other party is too lazy, we always act as a hand-off manager and throw all the burden to ourselves;
We need to explore whether we like to take responsibility too much and are prone to anxiety, and take the other party's responsibilities on ourselves, which leads to this extreme imbalance.
If we can treat each other as our mirror, explore our inner secrets, understand our own trauma, reconcile with ourselves, and change our relationship with ourselves, we can naturally change our relationship with each other and achieve true harmony and intimacy.
At that time, marriage was not only not a grave, but also a helping to nourish us and help us live the life we want better.
And the partner in marriage is our closest growth partner.
It is entirely possible for us to live the kind of beautiful ending described in the fairy tale: the prince and the princess live a happy life.
Author | Zhishui, healer, has the qualification certificate of psychological counselor of the Chinese Academy of Sciences and the IHNMA International Hypnosis Teacher Certificate, committed to exploring the depth and greatness of human nature.
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