Author: Dr. Guan Meilin (a well-known domestic positive psychology and education expert)
Editor: Fu Yang
Produced by: Marriage and Family Magazine
Many people use their strength to the beginning of marriage, such as holding a grand and beautiful wedding, making a solemn promise to "protect each other for a lifetime", and then happily "take the post" with the "red book".
In terms of intimate relationships, people have temporarily gained a great sense of security and satisfaction, but these feelings can also lead to subtle changes in cognition and behavior. For example, they think that it is time to focus on developing their careers after marriage, and finally don’t have to say love words so hard. They have become a family, and don’t have to be too particular about everything.
These changes will bring great challenges and risks to future marriage life, but most novice couples lack awareness and prediction about this, so they naturally cannot respond positively.
In fact, it is not the so-called "boring married life" that defeats romantic feelings, but we know very little about how to maintain and build a close relationship after marriage.
Today, we will talk about how to live a sweet and happy life through deliberate efforts.
1. Because external temptations and inner desires make it difficult for us to discipline ourselves sometimes, we must first maintain loyalty in having a happy marriage.
Loyal partners will make some positive cognitive efforts, such as realizing that they are no longer individuals, but part of marriage, and taking into account the overall interests of the marriage when doing things. They often use the word "we" to have a fuller understanding of their marriage roles and often think from this perspective.
At the same time, loyal partners will also strive to see each other with a "positive illusion", that is, "close one eye after marriage."
For example, do not overemphasize the unintentional mistakes of your partner, ignore or rationalize or beautify some shortcomings, etc. Research also found that loyal partners would think that their intimacy was better than most families, and to maintain this cognitive superiority, they would also strive to become more intimate.
Of course, when they encounter temptation, they will also deliberately devalue alternative choices cognitively, amplify the cost of problems in marriage, and avoid being tempted.
2. In addition to maintaining loyalty, people with happy marriages will also take many beneficial and positive actions.
They are more willing to make personal sacrifices for intimate relationships, which are small and big: they may be to accompany their lover to watch a movie that they are not interested in; they may also leave their familiar living environment for the sake of their lover's career development. They regard this sacrifice as a necessary effort to their family and do not complain about it. At the same time, they will not manipulate their partners to serve themselves and their marriage, but will actively support their partners in pursuing self-growth and learning new skills.
This feeling of respect and support often makes the partner feel grateful and willing to give back to them, so the two parties form a benign interaction.
Another important characteristic of a mature partner is to be truly considerate and tolerant of your lover. They are more able to accept some irrational behaviors in intimate relationships. For example, when lovers take their job anger on themselves, they will not fight back, but will restrain themselves. Lovers will cherish their marriage relationships very much because this tolerance is not common in other relationships.
There is also a content that needs to be practiced by your partner frequently, which is to participate in entertainment activities together. Research has found that when partners can participate in novel, challenging, exciting and happy activities together, they will rely more on each other and have a higher quality of marriage.
Finally, the aspect that everyone needs to take deliberate action is: A good marriage must learn to speak. Regardless of whether you are good at talking or not, you must work hard and often express your appreciation and gratitude for your partner, and be willing to make sure of loyalty and love for the other party when it is needed.
At the same time, we often open up and share our views to our partners, do not touch some taboo topics, and actively apologize when making mistakes... These are all beneficial actions to nourish the marriage relationship.
In short, you must avoid lying flat after marriage, but start consciously cognizing growth and action practice. A happy marriage is managed little by little, not fantasized day after day.
This article is excerpted from "Marriage and Family" magazine
Original title: "Don't lie flat after marriage"
