A few days ago, a netizen sent me a private message asking me: What is a happy and happy marriage? What exactly does it look like? The question
is not new, and there are many answers. People with a person have different opinions. Everyone has their own unique insights on successfully managing a marriage. However, for me, I remembered a passage from Zhou Guoping " Love and Loneliness ":
The antonym of love is not loneliness. Deep in our hearts, love and loneliness are actually the same emotion, they are like shadows and are inseparable. A person's experience of loneliness is proportional to his experience of love.
As a carrier of love, marriage must also have a "lost" temperament and soul to achieve happiness. This kind of "lostness" is not about the couple separating from each other and living in isolation. But compared with the outside world and others, as a whole, "husband and wife" should not be disturbed and bound, and use their own ideas and correct ways to find the true meaning and happiness of marriage.
01 "Loneliness" of marriage value - having your own independent view of marriage, not caring about outsiders' evaluation of their own marriage
The value of marriage value is an issue that couples must carefully consider choices. It is your definition of marriage happiness, it is the recognition and firm belief of "what can I get from my marriage to be happy."
seems simple, but it is actually very difficult. People live in society, and their marriage value is inevitably influenced by others and contaminated by the world. After getting married, we need a brand when buying a car, a house when buying a house, and a luxury brand when buying a bag. Even if our children go to school, no matter what the conditions are, they have to squeeze into the best schools in the city. All of this is exhausted, but we have to do it, just because "our marriage is happy and lives in the eyes of others."
In this competitive society, we want to win too much, even after marriage, it is still the case. What can we do if we get praise, envy, or even jealous from others? There is nothing in the life I want to live. This is not the happiness of marriage, but the "slave of others".
Whether it is poor or rich, whether it is in cities or rural areas, whether it is ordinary office workers, or the high-paying class in the business circle. The happiness of marriage should come from the heart without being mixed with other people's opinions or judgments. We can use the voices of the outside world as a reference and we must not use them as the "benchmark" for our happy marriage.
"The environment is born from the mind". There will be many answers to a truly happy marriage, but the root of it still needs to come from the heart, which contains at least three elements:
1, intimacy. "Love over time". This "love" means being close friends and becoming soulmates of each other. Knowing what the other person thinks, thinks, feels, and is hurt, and not taking the opportunity to properly comfort him, it will become the other person's "unique". When you cannot replace it in the other person's mind, your marriage will naturally be unbreakable, and those marriages tied up with secular concepts such as money, status, family background, etc. will also be shaky because of people's kitsch.
2, peace of mind. Do not make unnecessary fantasies and extravagant hopes about life, and be content with ordinary people and the years are quiet and peaceful. The more greedy you are, the more you are unable to satisfy yourself. The more you meet, the greater your needs and extravagant expectations will be. And the easier it is to get out of the reality of marriage and the easier it is to get out of your own abilities. Marriage is more stable.
3. Craftsmanship. is "unique" in business marriage. You must concentrate on your trivial matters, no matter how big or small, and not afraid of complicated things; you must cherish your relationship when you get along with each other.
02 Marriage grows "lonely" - a good marriage is run by the couple themselves, and it cannot be tied to parents
Chinese-style marriage is inseparable from the support and help of parents. The pressure of life and the high cost of marriage have to make us seek or accept the "generousness" of our parents. Even if we start a family and start a business and start a self-employed family, our parents will still regard us as "big children" who have not grown up. The endless ways of marriage and the endless "marriage methods" always influence our views and attitudes towards marriage, and also influence the harmonious relationship between husband and wife.
The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, the relationship between mother-in-law and son-in-law, etc. have all become insurmountable troubles and obstacles in our marriage. Otherwise, there will always be people sighing: Every family has its own difficult sutras. Originally, the relationship between husband and wife is very difficult, and other relationships need to be entangled, otherwise it will be "a clean official will find it difficult to get rid of family affairs." My parents always say: This is for your own good. But how many couples can tell whether this kind of "good" is good or not?
Even parents cannot control their marriage. The happiness of the previous generation is based on the summary and judgment of past years, while the marriage of the younger generation is to live in the future.
A happy and fulfilling marriage, the simpler the relationship, the better, and the fewer the bonds, the better. Parents are so willing to give, not only because they are parents, but are used to giving advice to their children. Moreover, the immaturity of young couples and inadequate handling of problems, without the help and support of their parents, I don’t know how many detours they will take? Marriage growth requires "lostness", and 3 things must be done:
1. Husband and wife must have the ability to be independent. Couples should be able to handle housework and do housework, and don’t let their parents worry about everything, and don’t let their parents know about big and small things. The more parents know, the more they are uneasy they are, and the easier it is to worry about it.
2. Couples should have their own opinions. You must have your own opinions on marriage. For example, children's education, buying a house, etc., you must do it yourself. Don't just because your parents are "experienced people", it seems like you have obtained the "Bible of Life". In fact, parents’ experience can only be used as a reference, and it is the experience of past years. "Times change", how to guide young people's marriage and future.
03 "Loneliness" in marriage - husband and wife should become each other's only spiritual sustenance
A truly happy marriage, the husband is the wife's spiritual sustenance, and the wife is the husband's spiritual sustenance. Only when you have me and I have you can you be happy.
Best friend and her husband have been married for 7 years. Not long ago, her best friend discovered her husband's extramarital affair. After several quarrels, the two went through the divorce procedures. My sister once complained to me:
The ex-husband accused me of always not caring about him, making money outside to support the family, and when I got home, I had to listen to my endless nagging, without a moment of peace, which made him breathless.
From the words of my best friend, it can explain a basic problem: for marriage, cheating is just a "scabies disease", and having no support is a "giant trouble". And when a man feels helpless in your heart, it means that the "danger of marriage" has begun to appear.
When divorced, the man said you were wrong, don’t pay attention to it, and don’t bother with it. Those are just official remarks. The man’s “subtext” is to leave the responsibility for divorce to the other party. And behind the "subtext", the reason for the real divorce is very simple: his heart is no longer with you.
