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The most common reasons for divorce are: personality disagreement, disagreement of values, mother-in-law and daughter-in-law problems, economic problems, sexual life disharmonious, cheating third parties, crossing the moral bottom line to solicit prostitution, etc.
But after careful consideration, many reasons can actually be attributed to different cognitions.
The difference between people is essentially a difference in cognitive ability.
01.
Marriage is composed of two independent individuals. Their combination is called husband and wife. In fact, before this, they came from different countries or different social classes and received different family education, , campus education, folk customs, religious beliefs, etc. They themselves have an independent thinking and feeling system for perceiving and distinguishing the world.
The precursor of divorce between husband and wife is usually a quarrel, and I always feel that the quarrel cannot defeat each other and cannot convince each other. Both of them are very puzzled, why is the other party so unreasonable? But few people can understand from the beginning of marriage that men and women have completely different ways of thinking, so indirectly lead to differences when dealing with trivial matters in marriage.
PhD in psychology John Gray said: " Men are from Mars , and women are from Venus." The relationship between two different planets, from thinking to language, will definitely be a war. Sometimes women really don’t care about some bad habits of men, they just want you to change it for her.
Philosopher Schopenhauer said: "The largest prison in the world is human thinking consciousness." Each of us is firmly imprisoned by our own thinking.
If you carefully recall the mistakes we have made in the past or the various opportunities we have lost, you will find that most of the mistakes are caused by our own "cognitive limitations", not deliberately destroyed by others, nor are they caused by the environment.
The higher the cognitive level, the more objective the people can look at things. The lower the cognitive level, the more subjective the look at things, is easily confused by appearances, is prone to bias, likes to blindly follow, and is more likely to fail.
As said in the movie "The Godfather", people who see the essence of things in one second and people who can't see the essence of things in half their lives will naturally have different destinies. Once the cognition of
people will be completely opened. Not only can you see a more thorough and real world, but you can also see the essence at a glance, grasp the key points in an instant, and make it easier to deal with complex things and easily control life.
02.
There are actually three types of real marriage status, one is torture, one is to make do with it, and the other is the rest of your life.
When you are with the wrong person, marriage is torture; when you are with the right person, marriage is to transform; it is obvious that choosing different people will lead to different marriage status.
As long as you observe the marriages of people around you more, you will find many traits. Different marriages bring different feelings and lives. Those who live well have more consistent cognition and thoughts, and can consider each other more in many things. And those who are not doing well are more concerned about themselves.
Many people are afraid of getting married. What are they afraid of?
is probably because he is afraid of bargaining when talking about marriage and mentioning betrothal gifts. I was afraid that the two of them would be strangers because of this. I was like a pair of smart businessmen.
The man said that our family’s dowry customs are just a form, just a formality. On the day the woman got married, the woman’s parents wanted the woman to bring the dowry back to her husband’s house, and the capable mother-in-law would have to pay the dowry.
The woman said that our family’s bride price custom is for the woman’s parents, and it is the son-in-law who is grateful to the mother-in-law for raising her wife.In the past twenty years, my parents have given birth to me, raised me, and offered me a little bride price. Is it too much to ask you for some bride price?
The man scolded his girlfriend at the highest moral point according to his family's dowry customs: "Your parents are selling their daughters. How can my family afford so much money? You have to say that your family wants a dowry, otherwise I wouldn't even look at you directly."
says that women are too material, but men who choose bread are more realistic than women. They will be petty and care about money, and even face the person they love the most, they have to weigh the pros and cons. After all, they are too selfish and are purely "egoistic".
Men who are selfish in their bones must not be able to support their marriage, because most of them are emotionally irritable, extremely selfish, and are self-centered in everything and never consider other people's feelings.
When he is happy, everything is good, but once he quarrels, he will become a person you don’t know at all, irritable and lack tolerance, and his patience with you will become zero, and he will even insult you, and will only pick unpleasant words to stimulate you, belittle you, and destroy your last trust in him.
The lower the cognitive level of people, the more they like to refute.
Behavioral Psychology , there is a word called "habitual rebuttal". People with the mentality of
No matter what you say to them, they will deny you and sing the opposite tune with you. You talk about the world, he talks about the west, you talk about the values, he talks about the methodology. The more you try to reason and logic to him, the more exhausted you feel.
In fact, this is not a question of who is right or wrong, but a difference in cognition. A person's cognition determines the world he sees and the way he thinks about problems.
"Zhuangzi" says: "A frog in the well cannot speak to the sea, and a insect in the summer cannot speak to the ice." People with different cognitive levels cannot communicate at all.
Picture from the Internet
03.
Many people are afraid of saying "I love you" at the wedding, and turn around and treat marriage as the end of love because they have a few words. In the backend of
Xiaohongshu , there was a private message from a Sichuan little girl who planned to return to Sichuan to divorce with her husband at the end of the year. She said she was very confused and wanted to talk to me.
She is 25 years old, her husband is 31 years old, and she works in Beijing from Sichuan. She, her husband, her mother-in-law, and her father-in-law lived in the same room (because renting in Beijing is too expensive, their family's total monthly income is less than 20,000 yuan). Her bed and mother-in-law's bed were covered by only one foot of cloth curtains. The reason for the divorce was that her husband and her mother-in-law thought she was not actively giving birth to children and said that she would not continue the incest for her husband's family. After all, in the Sichuanese thought, a 31-year-old man who has no children yet will be uttered by his neighbors.
But this girl believes that her husband is in debt of 70,000 yuan before marriage and is financially in a shortage. It will only be even more difficult to have another child. She wants to make money first and have a child. She will talk about it in a few years. After all, she is still young.
They have been quarreling, and the general problems that cannot be communicated are summarized as follows: "1. The in-laws don't know that her husband has a debt of 70,000, and the girl dares not tell her that her father-in-law has a heart disease; 2. The idea of having a child was just the mother-in-law, and over time, her husband also joined the battle for sex; 3. The girl is not convinced that her husband has any faces and sex, and she doesn't know what kind of face she has? She is in debt. The girl helped her to pay it back together. The financial situation is like this, and she dared to give birth. 4. What the girl is even more angry is that they only give birth, and there is not even a decent room to sleep. How do you say how to give birth? "5. After the quarrel, the girl moved out. During the three months of the cold war, the girl tried to save her and wanted to communicate well. As a result, the man said that he had made a decision to divorce. The girl asked the reason. The man said that from the moment you moved out, he was no longer my family.
I think this man will definitely regret it in the future. There are really not many women who can endure hardships with you and help you pay off your debts. The girl has always emphasized that she is not afraid of hardship or poverty, but she is afraid that she will no longer be united between husband and wife.
Another example:
Man: "Do you tell me if this matter is my fault? Are you unreasonable!"
Woman: "You actually yelled at me! You yelled at me!"
Man: ......
In this kind of conflict pattern that looks funny, both men and women are very angry, and neither can understand each other's thoughts.
No matter who you have conflicts with, you usually just click on it in a few words. Sometimes you can't understand the three words in a few words. Maybe you just can't understand this matter with him, and there is no need to waste your words.
What really limits our lives is never economic poverty, but cognitive difficulties.
Everyone can only think based on their cognitive level. Never try to debate problems with people whose cognition is not on the same level, otherwise, they are committing chronic suicide.
has different positions, less words are expensive, different cognitions, no arguments or arguments, disagreements, and a waste of words. If your thoughts are not at the same level, there is no need to conquer each other. If you don’t believe in Buddhism, there is never a shortage of incense burners in the temple.
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