Author: Shuimuran
This article is selected from Shuimuran's new book "Awakening in the World"
What is the essence of marriage?
Why do many people feel good when they are in love, but once they get married, there will be problems?
Because the essence of love is a " emotional " exchange, while the essence of marriage is a " value " exchange.
"Value" is something one dimension higher than "feeling". When is in love, you only need to rely on your feelings. Just make each other happy. However, once you get married, it depends on whether the marriage can last for a long time.
Therefore, when in love, appearance, figure, charm, fun, and even piano, chess, calligraphy and painting are the keys to attracting each other. However, in marriage, all these will fail and become boring, because there is only value exchange in marriage.
An anonymous answerer shared several examples:
The first example: A girl has been learning piano since she was a child and practiced for an hour after get off work every day. In the early stages of dating, her boyfriend appreciated her skills very much.
After her relationship was stable, she still maintained the habit of going to the piano shop to practice for an hour after get off work. Therefore, she never made dinner before and would eat directly after she got home. Of course, it was made by her boyfriend.
At this time, the contradiction arose: she used to take up her own time when practicing piano, and now her partner also needs to bear this time.
At this time, his boyfriend had nothing to be excited about having a girlfriend who could play piano (he has become used to it and has finished showing off). At this time, it is more important for him to have a hot meal when he goes home.
This is the transfer of “ core interests ”. Just as we said at the beginning: the core interests in love are appreciation and emotional exchange; while the core interests in marriage are fulfillment and value exchange.
That is to say, it is no longer valuable to him when his girlfriend can play the piano.
Another example: a girl spends 20 minutes curling her hair every morning. In the early stages of her relationship, her boyfriends like her curly hair very much because it is pleasing to the eye. But after a long time, because she has to curl her hair every morning, her boyfriend complains that it is too troublesome and too delayed.
Its essence: this is because she violated the interest that boyfriends can sleep longer, or their time value.
I often say: All relationships are interests, and the same is true in marriage and family, but there is only a layer of love and family affection as a cover-up.
Indeed, in family affection and love, loving someone will sacrifice for her and be loyal to him unconditionally. However, everyone should remember one sentence: in any relationship, because as long as there is sacrifice, it means injustice. As long as there is an injustice in this world, it will be compensated in another place or in another form.
For example: Many boys are not good at chasing girls, and they will overdraw their strength and do some impolite things.
Indeed, girls are easily moved. Many girls just see a man who can do whatever he wants to do to his own good at all costs, and then choose the person who is the best for him. However, the final result of this kind of love is often a tragedy.
Because boys who made sacrifices will continue to pay for girls at the beginning, but when they reach a certain stage, they will ask the other party to compensate them in disguise, and invisibly have many requirements for girls. Girls are often held hostage by the so-called sacrifices of boys, and some extreme boys will even force each other to death.
The more developed the society's economy, the more independent people will become. This is no longer the era when who can die for whom, or who needs whom to die for themselves.
Those lovers who just start saying they love you and say they are good for you. When they reach a certain stage, they often ask you to do this and that, or they cannot do anything. This is a disguised compensation.
We must see through a trend: the more developed the society, the stronger the independence between people. In the future, everyone will be an independent economy , and everyone's value will be fully displayed.
In the future, all value can be quantified by money, and everything can be traded, including people's time and even people's emotions, all are clearly marked. Therefore, if you want to get a value return, you must first have the equivalent value.
In fact, whether it is love/marriage, or entrepreneurship/social, if you can see the problem from the perspective of value, everything will be solved. Because value is the highest dimension of the world. Looking at the problem from the perspective of value, there is nothing in this world that cannot be seen through.
For example: Each of us has received gifts from others more or less, but have you found a " law of receiving gifts ":
The things that others give you can afford. No one has ever given you those things you can't afford! Why is this?
In fact, when others give you gifts, they will first measure your value. They will only give you things that are within your value.
can also be understood in this way: when others give for you, they will not pay more than your value. Therefore, if you want others to give you something, you must be able to afford it yourself. So we must keep this truth in mind: No one will pay for anything other than your value!
In this world, no one has the obligation to be loyal to another person. All the loyalty of a person is evolving loyalty to value.
In the future, don’t expect someone to be loyal and dedicated to you unconditionally, unless you always have the value he wants to obtain. Once the value in you disappears, not only will the times abandon you, but the people around you will also abandon you, and the same is true for cooperation/love/marriage.
In the future, whether two people can eventually be together depends on whether they can provide value to each other. How long two people can be together depends on how long this value can be provided interactively. When one party breaks, the other party will leave.
This is the The value law .
is not that we are becoming more and more realistic, but that we live in a great era where everything is efficiency-oriented. This society always requires people to be value-oriented and put efficiency/benefit first so that you can survive better.
Some people complain that the human feelings in society are becoming less and less popular today. People are too realistic. In fact, it is because everything is valued/quantized/standardized. Money is the specific quantification of value. Once value is quantified, many problems will be simplified. All traditional relationships are torn to pieces, and new ethical relationships/interpersonal relationships/business relationships are being demolished and rebuilt.
Someone said: Family and marriage are about finding a balance point in your interests and the interests of the other party. A strong marriage relationship is: is as clear as a comrade-in-arms; it is as even as a gang. Otherwise, no matter how beautiful it looks, it will be difficult to get to the end.
This sounds cruel, but it is the truth of the world. I often say: 99% of people live in illusions. They would rather deceive themselves than hide their ears than face the truth of the world, because the truth is too cruel. A person does not have enough courage and wisdom to accept it.
But I still want to tell you the truth: the world is becoming more and more mechanized. In this cold and noisy sound of machines, what you can really rely on is always yourself. Your happiness has nothing to do with anyone, including your so-called partner.
last ShuimuranSummary of three sentences:
1: Before you have no value, keeping yourself alone is a virtue.
2: True love is not mutual support, but mutual fulfillment;
3: Letting ourselves be full of value forever is our lifelong event.
The most rare thing in life is "sober in the world"
The master is profound and relaxed, and the mediocre are superficial and painful!
Please buy Shuimurran's new book "Awakening in the World"
