Last night, I entered the live broadcast room of a classical teacher and listened to his conversation with teacher Li Songwei . It felt very rewarding.
This is a conversation about "change".
Why is it so hard for us to make changes?
What is the correct "posture" for change?
here extracts three of his learning gains and shares them with everyone.
First, start with 5% change
When we encounter difficulties, or when we want to make ourselves better, we always hope to make major changes, but the result is often falling short and making it difficult to persist.
For example, if you want to keep writing, after you have this idea of changing, you hope to write an article every day and publish it. But I haven’t written an article in the past few months, and now I want to write one every day. This change may not be too big.
The best way is not to write an article every day, but to be able to sit in front of the computer every day, turn on the screen, tap the keyboard, and write the first word.
Like this, stick with it for a week and see what changes happen to you. On this basis, make another 5% change. Reducing difficulty is the core tenet of making changes stick.
For example, you want to use your career consulting skills to earn hundreds of thousands of dollars in income every year, but currently you may not even start to earn a penny. The best way is not to make yourself fat in one go, but to start from now, start from earning 10 yuan or 1 yuan. Let your climb go up step by step, instead of making the leap so big that you will doubt your life after failure.
If you want to develop the habit of getting up early, you used to sleep until you wake up naturally every day, but now you want to get up at 6 o'clock every morning. The sudden change from one state to another is a big span, breaking the stability of life. Even if you can persist for 2 days and rely on a whim, you won't be able to persist for a long time and you will eventually give up.
A more feasible way is to set an alarm for 6 o'clock and let yourself wake up at that time. It doesn't matter whether you get up or not. Only you can wake up at 6 o'clock, even if you turn off the alarm clock and go to sleep. , are also possible. Stick to it for a week and see if there are any changes, and then slowly adjust, such as sitting up, brushing your teeth, washing your face, and then reading and studying.
It's like I didn't have the habit of writing a diary before. Starting from 2013, I hope to use my own computer, paper and pen to record my thoughts. At first, I could only write a few lines in a notebook, but now I sit in front of the computer and type out thousands of words naturally every day. This is the result of gradual changes. Why can
only change a little bit each time? From a psychological point of view, if we always want to make huge changes in ourselves, the subconscious is actually unable to accept our current self. We think that we are not good enough, not perfect enough, and are full of judgments about ourselves. and self-blame. When we view ourselves in this light, we create resistance to change.
"The most powerful words in the universe are what you say to yourself." Negative evaluation of yourself will hinder change; only positive evaluation can bring about beneficial changes. Just like when driving, we step on the brake and the accelerator, leaving ourselves in a state of energy consumption, but we can't move where we are. Accepting 95% of your imperfections, and on this basis, making the 5% of changes will make it more possible.
Second, accept and then change
In the connection, the classical teacher asked Teacher Li Songwei a question: "If, for some reason, you must go to a desert island to stay for 3 years, and you can only bring one book, So which one will you bring?" Classical actually wanted Li Songwei to recommend one of his favorite books, but he didn't expect his answer to be better: "Because this is a hypothetical question, I will answer it with a hypothetical, if I am going to stay on a desert island for three years. I will bring a book on shipbuilding and let myself build a boat and leave the desert island. This is my most common way of thinking. The most powerful answer I've ever heard.
accept the current situation, no matter good or bad, I will take actions to make myself better in the future. This is a very advanced way of thinking. It is the most exquisite underlying operating system that operates our lives. When driving, we allow ourselves to let go of the "brakes" of "self-judgment, complaints, and accusations" and only step on the "accelerator" to move forward. The best way.
If your current income is not high and your work is not satisfactory - well, first accept everything brought by fate, or accept everything caused by your previous choices, it doesn't matter, the important thing is me You can start from today, from now on, and do something to change this situation.
If you feel that you are not beautiful enough, or handsome enough, too fat, or too thin - it doesn't matter, first accept yourself as you are now and recognize that this is your true self at the moment. Complaining cannot make oneself return to the womb and be born again as a human being. Build on who you are now and figure out what changes you can make.
For example, I can beautify myself through my mobile phone to make myself look more beautiful and slimmer in photos and videos; I can earn enough money to have plastic surgery to artificially become beautiful. Or, simply show your imperfections openly and form your own unique look.
In short, shift your focus from regrets about the past and dissatisfaction with the present, and focus on the results you want to achieve in the future. In this way, various solutions to the problem will emerge. The adoption of
is easy to say, but it may not be so simple to do. Therefore, in consultation, we always lead the client to re-understand the current challenges, change the perspective, first see a different scenery, and then seek changes.
If the visitor feels frustrated - we will ask: "What did you learn from such an experience? How can this experience help you improve your chances of success in the future?"
If the visitor is anxious Emotion - we will say: "With this kind of anxiety, what positive message do you think it wants to send to you?"
Only by being based on the present can we start a better future. Based on the present, we must not only recognize the current status quo, but more importantly, accept the "imperfect" self of the present. This is the basis for change.
Third, being a "ferryman" in life
changes the counselor's mentality.
How do counselors view themselves? The answer to this question directly affects our understanding of our own identity. During the conversation, there was a metaphor that impressed me deeply. The teacher said that the postmodernism school of thought believes that the visitor is like coming to a river at this time, being blocked here and unable to cross. The consultant
appeared in his life at this time and worked with him to build a boat to cross the river. Before and after crossing the river, he could move forward well, but he encountered obstacles at this moment. The
consultant is not a master or expert, but a person who happens to appear at this time and help him through the journey. The visitor is the expert on their life, and most of the time, he is completing his life journey.
Consultants, you must lower your expectations for yourself and accurately evaluate your role. Only in this way can you not be superior and develop the "detachment" of a consultant. Without excessive positional "advantage" and excessive psychological "expectations", it is easier to enter an objective, neutral, non-judgmental "position" during consultation, maintain a state of "suspended attention", and achieve the best consultation effect. .
Change is also an art. "Cliff-like" changes may only end in vain; "incremental" changes will be more long-lasting and stable. No matter what kind of changes, if you want to reconcile with yourself and the present moment, and release the "brake", you will avoid unnecessary energy loss and let your car move forward freely by lightly stepping on the accelerator.
