Huang Qituan (Photo provided by the publishing house)
Cover News Reporter Zhang Jie Intern Zheng Hao
Love is a kind of ability that needs to be learned and expressed.
Many adults have a confusion in their intimate relationships: What is true love? Why are we always deeply hurt by the people we love? Where does love go after the passion fades? How to have a healthy and long-lasting intimate relationship? What is a healthy way of getting along that can not only maintain your own personality but also enjoy the warmth of love? Whether they are young or middle-aged or old, as time goes by, conflicts and doubts will arise more or less in the intimate relationship between the two. How to enhance emotions without seeming so deliberate? How to understand each other's inner words without touching the bottom line and stepping into a minefield?
Huang Qituan, a psychological counselor with 25 years of practical experience in emotional counseling, has focused on the educational dissemination of psychological applications for many years, and has successfully applied psychological theories to business management, business, marriage, family, parent-child education and other fields. "Intimate Relationships" is a psychological book in which he uses psychological theoretical methods to answer questions about intimate relationships for readers. In this book, the author analyzes the three elements of love, eight potential models of intimate relationships, and the seven levels of self-awareness of the iceberg principle, etc., to analyze the family of origin, emotional crisis, and misunderstood needs in intimate relationships one by one. It provides practical solutions to profound problems such as love, helping readers find their true selves and build happy, lifelong intimate relationships.
Currently there are many books on the subject of sexual relations on the market. Huang Qituan's "Intimate Relationships" still has its own uniqueness: it analyzes the potential model of Chinese people's intimate relationships, fully absorbs the advantages of Western psychology, and advocates a "self-existing" , and there we are again." The golden mean philosophical way of getting along, integrates the advantages of Chinese and Western thoughts, and proposes a thinking mode of intimate relationships and a view of love that is suitable for modern Chinese people.
Huang Qituan said that although there is no so-called "perfection" in this world, we can pursue excellence. And the only way to make a marriage better is to grow and act. How can there be a perfect law in the world, which can live up to the Tathagata and not let you down? The so-called beautiful love is nothing more than two people knowing how to tolerate, understand and respect each other.
Dialogue with Huang Qituan:
proposes a new era view of marriage from the perspective of Zhongyong philosophy - both "I" and "us"
Cover news : There are many books on psychology, and you can find many in bookstores now. Books on the same subject. From the author's perspective, could you please tell us what is special about your book?
Huang Qituan: Most of the people who write about intimacy in the publishing market are influenced by psychology. Psychology, as a science, first came from the West. Western culture values individuals, so Western concepts of marriage tend to favor individual consciousness. Eastern culture values the whole, so Eastern views on marriage generally focus on the family. People who value individual views on marriage are more likely to get divorced. However, the traditional Eastern view of marriage that focuses on the whole family also has shortcomings. For the sake of the family, many people compromise and sacrifice themselves. Therefore, from the perspective of moderate philosophy, I propose a new era view of marriage - one that respects individuals and has a sense of community, both "I" and "we". According to my observation, this angle is rarely seen in other books.
cover news: Regarding the topic of gender emotions, we will see a high usage rate of the word "pua" on the Internet.
Huang Qituan: In fact, the word "pua" originally means "the art of striking up a conversation", which tells people how to better communicate with strangers. The word itself is neutral. But now someone is using this technology to control the other party, so "control" has become the new meaning of pua. It's definitely wrong to manipulate others. When communicating with anyone, no matter what your purpose is, even if you really do it "for your own good", even if the other person is your partner, your children, including your parents, cannot control others.
In my book, I suggest that everyone must respect that others are different from us. Two people must be together based on respect.The best way to avoid being pua is to distinguish between "communication" and "control" - communication is to jointly discuss a plan acceptable to both parties; control is to use every method to guide and persuade the other party to achieve the goals you set.
cover news: Some people will lament that they no longer even have the ability to fall in love and are incapable of love. In other words, some people think that there is a lot of economic pressure now, or the pressure on society as a whole. It seems that falling in love has become a very luxurious behavior, and the negative emotions in the whole society are serious. What do you think? Has human nature become fragile?
Huang Qituan: In fact, in any society and era, pressure always exists. So why do so many people feel like they don’t want to get married now? I think it’s because the conditions for not getting married have become more complete, and the division of labor in today’s society has become more and more detailed. For example, there used to be no takeout, and if you went home from work, you would have nothing to eat. It will be much more convenient for you if there is another person at home. Now that we have takeout, no matter what time I work overtime, I can make a phone call at home and my dinner will be ready. Therefore, this provides a basis for the division of labor without getting married and creates conditions for not getting married. I don't think people are more selfish now than they used to be. In fact, human nature has not changed since ancient times. What has changed is that social development has created more conditions for people. Marriage is the best choice when society develops to a certain stage. With the development of technology and social progress, the concept of marriage will also change.
cover news: For a while, the term "original family" has become very popular. If something goes wrong in life, the problem will be attributed to the parents. What do you think of the original family?
Huang Qituan: The original family does have a great influence on a person. There is no way for us to get rid of the influence of our original family in our words and deeds today. For example, the word "I" we often talk about actually does not have a concept called "I" at all. The so-called "I" is actually you. The sum of all the cognitions that we have identified with in the past, including your name, what kind of person you are, what you like and dislike, etc. The most source of "I" is from our family of origin. The answer to who "I" is affects our lives just like the script of life. Of course, the influence of the original family on a person can be changed. As long as you are willing to learn psychology and master the method of change, you can change the influence of the original family on you just like you can change your name. Therefore, I oppose the theory that a person blames all his misfortunes today on his family of origin.
cover news: There is a hot word recently called intimacy disorder. A person does not have the ability to have this kind of intimate relationship. When he encounters a relationship, he withdraws. In fact, he does not think that way in his heart. This is a psychological disorder. Is studying considered a disease? Is this a phenomenon?
Huang Qituan: To use a psychological term from positive psychology, it is called "learned helplessness." In fact, some people have encountered some failures in previous relationships between the sexes, and they will feel frustrated. When he feels frustrated, he no longer dares to try. After he no longer dares to try, he is eager but does not dare to try. We can also use another term called avoidant attachment personality disorder. People with this kind of personality are generally related to the negative experiences they experienced when they were children.
cover news: Some people say that I understand a lot of truths, but still can’t live a good life. Your book also includes some good suggestions mentioned by other psychologists. He knows them all, but he can’t do it. What advice do you have for these people?
Huang Qituan: We roughly divide the human brain into two parts. One part is called the "brain" (correctly called "cerebral cortex"), and the other is called the "cerebellum" (double called primitive brain and animal brain). The books we read during the college entrance examination, that knowledge is actually a kind of cognition, which is stored in our cerebral cortex. This is a unique part of human beings. It is different from animals and is responsible for the concept of time and reasoning logic. But this cognitive thing will be forgotten. The cerebellum is found in both humans and animals. This part controls our abilities.For example, you learned how to ride a bicycle when you were a child, I guess when you were 8 or 9 years old. Maybe you have been driving for 10 or 20 years recently, and you haven’t ridden a bicycle for a long time, but now you are given a bicycle and you can ride it right away. Yes, this is something you will never forget. This kind of thing that cannot be forgotten is called ability, and what can be forgotten is called knowledge. Therefore, when we read books, we learn knowledge. If reading is just reading, it will not be of much help to our lives. However, there are exercises in my book. If you can try and experience them as required, you can turn knowledge into abilities. Only in this way can you change your marriage by reading the book. Therefore, if you really want to change your intimate relationship, the best way is to practice the methods in the book. As long as you are willing to take the courageous step, your relationship will definitely become better.
[If you have news clues, please report them to us. Once adopted, we will be compensated. Follow us on WeChat for reporting materials: ihxdsb, QQ for reporting materials: 3386405712】
