01 I received a request for help from a reader a few days ago: Hello, Fat Fish. I often read your articles. Today I encountered something that I wanted to talk to you about. My husband and I fell in love on campus. After graduating from university, we stayed in Nanjing together.

01

I received a request from a reader a few days ago:

Fat Fish, hello, I often read your articles. Today I encountered something that I wanted to talk to you about.

My husband and I fell in love on campus. After graduating from university, we stayed in Nanjing together.

We got married in the third year after graduation. Our parents pooled money to buy the wedding house, plus our two people’s savings of 100,000.

My husband and I are two outsiders. It is not easy to build a small family in Nanjing. I had a child in the second year after marriage, and my parents helped raise the child.

My husband and I are both only children. In my family, both my parents are teachers and both have retirement salaries. As for my parents-in-law, they have a retirement salary and are living a pretty good life. Therefore, during the holidays, we take our children back to see them, and they inevitably use the children as an excuse to give us subsidies.

’s husband worked hard. When the child was three years old, he was transferred to the Suzhou branch as a small person in charge. His income also increased to 16,000 yuan a month, and there was a bonus at the end of the year.

In recent years, because I have to take care of children and take care of work, my position has not been promoted, and my salary is only 6,000 a month.

Before, when my husband and I were not living apart from each other, his salary was entrusted to me for safekeeping, and I was responsible for all household expenses.

Later, he went to work in Suzhou . Every month my husband gave me 8,000 for household expenses, and he kept the rest for flowers. As for my own salary, I can basically save it.

Of course, as a woman, I always feel that there is one less piece of clothing in my wardrobe. I also like to dress myself up, so I usually buy myself better clothes and cosmetics.

My children have grown up in the past few years. My work is not too busy, and I can also take care of picking up and dropping off my children. My parents-in-law and parents are living their own lives in my hometown. Therefore, when I buy these things, I completely follow my own wishes and don’t worry about what they will say.

Occasionally, when my husband comes back from vacation, he will express his dissatisfaction when he sees the things I buy, thinking that I am spending money too much.

My husband had a hard time when he was a child. When I fell in love with him, I knew that he was very frugal and not a spendthrift.

However, my husband said, I still have to buy what I should buy.

As a woman who has to work and take care of a baby, occasionally buying small things can help me reduce stress and make me feel better. Except for cosmetics, clothes and shoes, I didn’t buy anything else expensive. So I still have money saved every month.

02

But I didn’t expect that my husband would call me last month and tell me that from now on, he would save 10,000 yuan per month for his salary and would not give it to me. My own salary should be enough for my family, just me and my children at home.

I don’t know what happened. When I heard him say this, I suddenly became very angry and blurted out immediately, why? He is out of town, and I have to take care of children, work, and do housework. Aren’t I harder than him? Isn’t it right for him to contribute to the family every month? Now, he doesn't even provide for the family, and I still raise children like a widow. Why should I come to such a marriage? It's better to just leave.

Immediately afterwards, I vented all the dissatisfaction I had accumulated against him.

My husband was also very angry after hearing this. We had an argument on the phone. In the end, he even said harsh words, saying that I was unreasonable and that he wanted to divorce me!

I was more ruthless than him and said, OK, if you have the ability, you can come back tomorrow and let’s go to the Civil Affairs Bureau! Whoever doesn't go is a dog!

Then, he hung up the phone angrily, and I sat on the sofa, shaking with rage. I don't know how we ended up like this.

The next day, of course my husband didn’t come back for divorce, and I didn’t rush him or ask. It's just that we've been in a cold war.

To be honest, I don’t want my salary to be used as household income, because that makes me feel very insecure. I feel like my husband is plotting against me. After reading so many articles and stories about marriage, I know that a woman must protect her property.

Fat Fish, I feel that the cold war between my husband and I is very draining. In fact, my anger has not gone away. In the past few days, I feel that I am impatient with my child and I am a little angry with him. Looking at his aggrieved look, I knew that he was not at fault, it was all my fault.

can you tell me, how should I do it?

03

has done a lot of consultations in the past two years and received a lot of help from readers. I found that many times, our problems are related to communication.

We talk and communicate with people every day, but few people think about how to express and communicate with others, and how to give strength to the other party? How should we express it so that the matter can be truly resolved?

This seeker, I just told her to take the initiative to call her husband to hear what he thinks.

Don't think that if you call him first, you are treating him poorly and losing face. Compared with face, a harmonious relationship is what you want most, isn't it? Then work hard towards a harmonious relationship and take the first step yourself.

This is just a phone call. I need to express it in another way, like this:

Husband, I’m sorry, I was a little rude the day before yesterday and my attitude was very bad. You said that day that you would no longer support my family and let me spend my own money. I felt very insecure, uncomfortable, and a little aggrieved. I was so angry and irritated at the time. You must have your reasons for arranging it this way. Now I want to hear your plans. Can you tell me?

Originally, she was very nervous, fearing that her husband would not appreciate her love. Unexpectedly, after listening to her words, her husband softened his attitude and apologized to her, saying that it was all his fault for not expressing himself clearly that day. Later, when he saw her accusing him, he also lost his mind. He has also been feeling very uncomfortable these past two days.

Immediately afterwards, her husband told her why he planned to do this. Because he works outside and has contact with many customers, he knows that it is difficult to make money now, and she is a bit aggressive with money, so they have to prepare for a rainy day.

He plans to save 10,000 yuan from his salary every month, so as to prepare for emergencies. If you don't need it by then, you can save it for investment or buy a house in a better school district. Your son will go to elementary school in two years.

After hearing her husband's explanation, she felt much better. However, she felt that her husband still didn’t believe her, so she said: Husband, thank you for telling me this. I feel like you are still afraid of me wasting money, which makes me feel a little uncomfortable and a little hurt. Although I am not usually as thrifty as you, I have saved most of the household expenses you gave me before. You can trust me.

Her husband continued to apologize to her, saying that he did have concerns in this regard. She took the opportunity to ask if her husband could leave the household expenses to her in the future, so that she would feel more secure. After all, she was a woman, and it was good to have some money.

Her husband also readily agreed, saying that he had not considered it carefully before and did not care about her feelings.

A storm was settled like this, no divorce, no tearing up.

04

Every one of us has needs, but many people don’t know how to express their needs, and often come up with negative emotions, which will only mess things up.

Commonly expressed needs, there are several wrong ways to see which one do you belong to?

The first type, accusations and complaints

Accusations and complaints are relatively common and often happen in real life. For example, "You don't do anything", "You just know how to lie on the sofa", "You don't even know how to help me", etc.

expresses needs through complaints. The other party must not see our needs.

Because complaining and blaming mean attack, when the other party receives our dangerous emotions, their first reaction is to escape, avoid and confront.

The second type is to speak ironically

For example, your real need is: "Don't leave me."But if it's the other way around, you might say: "Go away, I don't want to see you again!" "

When the other party really wants to leave, you become even more angry, "If you leave, don't come back again! "

Under the pressure of your expression, the other party may not be able to distinguish what your real needs are, so they really pack up and leave.

The third way is to give the other party the right to choose.

When making a certain decision , such as where to eat, where to travel, and which cram school to enroll your children in, you often choose to let the other party decide.

But after the other party really makes a decision, you appear dissatisfied and even complain: "Why are you like this? "Would you choose?" or "Don't you know I don't like it there?", two people will conflict.

Remember, you must be clear about what you need and fully express your true needs.

The fourth way: after talking about your feelings , be sure to add your needs

Just to express feelings, others may not know what we want.

For example:

Husband, I am so sad today. This is to express my feelings.

Husband, I am so sad today, can you Hug me? This kind of expression, feelings and needs are all present, and the other party does not have to guess what you want.

The fifth type: the expressed needs are very vague and not specific

We are asking for help from others When making requests, the more specific the requirements, the better. If our meaning is vague, it will be difficult for others to understand what we want.

For example, your significant other is playing games, but you want him to accompany you, then you You can tell him: "Husband, I want you to talk to me. Let's go out for a walk for half an hour after dinner every day, is that okay?" "

This may have a better effect.

05

So, how should we express our needs?

Here we teach you a template for expressing needs: speaking object + facts + feelings + needs.

For example: husband (object ), I was misunderstood by my colleagues today (fact), I feel uncomfortable (feeling), Can you hug me and comfort me (need)?

Remember, focus on me. And Instead of focusing on others, that will lead to complaints, accusations and attacks, and the other person will not want to be close to you.

I want to say that our parents, our husbands and children actually want to love us, but they don’t. The roundworms in our stomachs don’t know how to love us.

All, we have to teach the other person how to love us.

When the other person does something right, we have to praise and affirm them, and tell them: Thank you, this is what I want most.

And what should you do when you are in a bad mood, or are hurt by other people’s harsh words?

Then try to learn to delay the response time.

This is a bit difficult. Because many times, this kind of thing happens face to face, especially between us and our families.

In this case, adjust your breathing, especially let yourself take a few deep breaths, or temporarily leave a place. Yes.

You can tell your family: I'm sorry, I need to adjust my state. I don't want to respond to you when I'm so angry. This will hurt you and myself. I want to be alone for a while. Yes.

When you can really say and do this, the other party will actually have a quiet and buffering space.

Communication is a university subject, which requires us to experience it carefully and do it. This process, for many It is difficult for people. After all, our past habits are difficult to change and require a process. Even at first, we may feel that it is awkward to change the way of expression.

If you want to have a harmonious relationship, you can practice deliberately .Let us work together, talk well, and love each other well from today on!