01. The definition of Notre Dame personality
Are you a good old man in the legend?
Do you never say "no" to others, even if you are reluctant to do so? When attending a multi-person gathering, do you feel embarrassed to go to the bathroom or leave first in order not to discourage everyone? Whether it is your job or not, as long as a colleague makes a request, you will help you without hesitation?
In life, such people abound.
They spend most of their energy on family, friends, and colleagues. They are also responsive to strangers. Once they stop doing this, they will feel very guilty, as if they have suffered a "cute Curse". In his (her) view, many things are prioritized higher than their physical and mental health, and as a result they have supported everyone, but they have broken themselves.
Psychologists call these people who have always treated friendly people as the only code of conduct and who have been wronged because of this as "Mother-shaped personality."
Don’t think that this is great and selfless. When you give without a bottom line but do not get the respect, recognition and attention you expect, one day you will be like a balloon that is constantly being blown up explosion.
And before self-destruction, take the time to read this "Lovely Curse: Our Lady Personality Psychological Self-Help Manual", you can also "rescue" your flood of Our Lady's Heart.
The author of this book, Jaki Mason, a psychologist, therapist, and a member of the British Psychological Association, is also a "Madonna" who is tortured by the "cute curse".
She used to insist on driving for her family with a broken arm, and even went boating together. It was not until the doctor issued a diagnosis 10 days later that she finally felt that she could have a rest after being cast. This incident made her realize that if she did not want to remove this "curse", her life would eventually be destroyed.
02. The Causes of Our Lady’s Personality
Regarding what kind of person we are and how we should behave in the world, many ideas deeply rooted in our minds originate from our childhood and can usually be traced back Before the formation of rational thinking ability.
Therefore, we will always be inclined to believe in those wrong and outdated concepts.
"I can't bear the slightest dislike from others, even strangers. I am very sensitive to other people's body language, and I can feel even a little change. I keep observing my words, and that's what makes People are exhausted.”
The girl in this example moved to an isolated village with her parents when she was 3 years old. My father goes out to work and is not at home all year round. The lonely mother often yelled at her because she was dissatisfied with her words and deeds. At this time, she would use singing and dancing to please her mother, and her mother would be happy for a while. Over time, she formed her mindset, and felt that only by deliberately pleasing her mother would her mother not beat herself up angrily.
mentioned in the book: In fact, children have no real power to resist, run away or seek help from others. They have very few choices. One of them is to control their behavior to satisfy their guardians.
For this girl, if she can make her mother happy, then she can avoid pain and the accompanying intense fear. Therefore, she brought this almost fearful response into her Used to deal with everyone in adult life. She subconsciously regards these expressions as a sign that her body or spirit will suffer pain after rejecting others.
Many children who have been injured in their native families or who have been sent to others for a long time have become good people when they grow up.
Because of being sensitive, glass-hearted, and afraid of being excluded, I keep compressing my psychological needs, and I will criticize myself and treat others kindly in many things, thinking that "it is nothing to be wronged by myself" and "Hello everyone is really good." "If I meet his expectations, he will love me more."
inBetween their own interests and the interests of others, good people often weigh the pros and cons, but in the end they will persuade themselves to cater to others.
Because in the eyes of those who are excessively lacking in love, being accepted and recognized is the basis for them to no longer be free from the crowd.
has a good saying: Don’t be embarrassed to reject others, because those who are embarrassed to embarrass you are not good people.
The book concludes that many good old people try their best not to say "no" to friends, neighbors, colleagues and other acquaintances, and cannot draw some boundaries with them. They always put the needs of others before their own, and do not feel that they have the right to say "no."
"Lovely people" tend to fall into an "either-or" thinking mode: if it is not 100% A (usually a good thing), then it is B (usually a bad thing) ). The translation is: if I do not have 100% sympathy, then I am a stingy, selfish bad person. This can lead to exhaustion and so-called "compassion fatigue." If you think that you are a good person only if you can help people in need around the world and agree to everyone's requests, then you will definitely feel overwhelmed, resentful and exhausted.
03. How to get rid of 母型人格
So, what do you need to do?
1. "Three Goods in a Day" Diary
Help yourself reserve a resource that you can use when you encounter difficulties and self-doubt. Feel free to go back and re-read the content you listed, and remember when and under what circumstances you felt good about yourself.
A large number of studies have found that focusing on positive things can greatly improve mental health. By writing positive thoughts into the "Three Goods in a Day" diary, it is possible to create new neural pathways in the brain. If you can record at least one commendable thing you have done every day, and stick to it for a few weeks, then after you develop a habit, you can think of new and useful ideas even if you no longer write them down.
has the format:
I made a study plan. I am a person who is organized and eager to succeed.
Today I made a new dish according to the method taught in the cookbook. Children don't like to eat, but I still keep calm. I dare to innovate, I am choosing life and health.
I went to see the department manager today. I told her that I felt the workload was too heavy, and asked her if there was any solution. She was actually willing to help me. I was brave and honest, and I dared to directly ask my boss for help.
This has to talk about the similar magical effect of the hand account, I made some small changes and small expansions according to my own ideas.
Just take a notebook, find a pen that can give you water, before going to bed every night, quietly list the things that made you happy and unhappy that day, and then review it regularly, you will find that you You are living your own life, your thoughts and feelings are the most important.
For example:
开心: Although there is a traffic jam, I still clocked in early. Take a taxi decisively and keep the perfect attendance award. I am wise, act decisively, and have good luck.
不开心: He didn't reply to my message for a day in his long-distance relationship. Did he not receive the gift I secretly bought him? In front of him, I was always a little bit worried about gains and losses, maybe being more reserved would make me look noble, maybe he would be courteous to me.
Summary : There are gains and losses, basically the same. A good mood is mixed with a little loss. It seems that the workplace and the love scene may not all go well.
2. Tell yourself: You deserve all the good things in this world
After the slogan "You deserve to be owned", the well-known cosmetics brand "L'Oreal" almost monopolized an important concept, that is, the concept of rights. It strongly encourages you, as a great person, you have important and precious value, you should treat yourself in the best way.
And many people are just the opposite of the idea that L'Oréal wants to instill in us: we don't deserve anything good and special. "Lovely people" always devote their time, energy, health and love to other people, but don't save a little for themselves.
A certain girlfriend, since she had a child, she has devoted her whole body and mind to the child. She is reluctant to eat and wear it, so she desperately buys and buys for her child.
In the end, even her husband couldn’t stand it anymore, saying: "Even if you don’t have to go to work, wipe your face, buy some new clothes, at least let me watch it not too sloppy. You look in the mirror, you are still the same You, why are you not cute at all?"
girlfriend casually said: "A bottle of water and milk is several hundred, besides, it is not without clothes to wear. If you have that money, it is better to buy more picture books for your children. "
One day she went to pick up the child at the entrance of the kindergarten. The child pointed to the mothers next to him and whispered: "Why are the mothers of other children so beautiful? You are old and ugly, and you have a fat belly."
The girlfriend was stunned. In fact, what she took for granted to the child is not what the child wants most. A mother in the book
said: "I was addicted to the idea that after I became a mother, I must put my needs to the end, otherwise, I would not be a competent mother. But now I I understand, if I don’t take good care of myself and find a way to'fill myself up&x27;, then I will not be able to effectively pay for my children."
3. Think about someone you like and admire. Under the same circumstances, what would he do?
In "My First Half Life" starring Ma Yili and Jin Dong, there is a bridge I was deeply impressed by the paragraph:
Regarding the 500,000 house price difference compensation filed in the divorce lawsuit, Chen Junsheng initially approved it, but later he proposed that he could only pay 200,000. The former in-laws deliberately sold miserably in front of Luo Zijun, lowering the price. The former father-in-law also played an assassin, and asked her how she became like this.
If you put it in the past, Luo Zijun, who is a bun, would definitely compromise, but she suddenly thought of what she would do if the congratulatory letter encountered this incident.
So, after a short period of thought, she firmly expressed her position and won the benefits she and her son deserve.
Because the congratulatory letter once said to her that you can’t take back what you say, otherwise others will think you are a bargaining person, with endless troubles.
Facts have proved that Luo Zijun made the right move.
So, when you encounter something embarrassing yourself, you might as well think about what your "idol" will do.
Summary
In life, you must be good to yourself before you can be good to others. It can't last for long.
If you prioritize the important things, your first priority should be to please yourself.
And what you need to understand is:
1. You have the right to let others down
2. You are not responsible for other people’s emotions
《Lovely "The Curse of the Virgin: The Psychological Self-Help Manual of Our Lady" does not make people give up expressing kindness to the world, but encourages people to buy some time and freedom for themselves. After all, everyone has the right to love themselves.
So, from today, say "I love you" loudly to yourself in the mirror every night.
