"If you don't have a girlfriend, would you like me?"
Liu Bin only replied one word: "Yes."
"Who is she?" Chen Hong pointed to this piece of information and asked. Liu Bin only glanced at her coldly and said, "You don't need to know."
Looking at this man who once loved desperately,
Chen Hong cried into a silly dog: "Break up!"
The mountain of love collapsed, the love rose from the east to the west, and the love ended in this way.
No wonder someone said: When love happens, you are always on standby when you break up.
Why did the oath of the mountain alliance at the beginning become a person's sadness in the end?
Why does he try his best to love, but he still leaves?
Is it true that no matter how good I am, he will not fall in love with others?
There is a girl who, like Chen Hong, has experienced the catastrophe of a breakup. In the sleepless night, she asked again and again in her heart: Why did he leave?
The difference is that she decided to take a cruel hand to herself, tore open the wound again, carefully examine the whole process of her broken love, find the truth of the breakup, and embark on a journey of resurrection to heal and rebuild herself.
She is Dr. from Fudan University, and Xuemin Cao, a psychologist. She wrote her research results into the book "Breakup Psychology", analyzing the psychological texture behind the breakup from the perspectives of psychology and brain science , and jumping out of the popular perspective of "love" and "not love".Draw the conclusion that "in addition to love, the more important thing is self".
You can have love only if you have oneself, and can you have intimacy if you can be independent.
01 2+5 steps to get out of the pain of breaking up
The greatest anxiety and fear of human beings is separation. The fear of separation brought about by the breakup is close to death. The fear of breaking up makes us weep and feel ecstasy. It takes years or even a lifetime to heal the psychological trauma of breaking up.
So, how to get up from the breakdown of the breakup first? Dr. Xuemin Cao shared 2 methods and 5 effortless actions.
Two methods:
·Empty chair therapy, is to put a chair in front of you, imagine sitting on the chair, and then put down your personality and so-called strong, like a child, like an animal, yes If you want to talk in an empty chair, you can speak loudly, cry bitterly when you want to cry, and swear if you are angry, so as to calm your mood and learn how to deal with the coming and going of emotions.
· Diary therapy, write a diary. Zhou Ling wrote in "Cognitive Drive": When you can't digest your emotions, write them down, write down your true thoughts, and write down what you are angry about? What are you sad about? Keep anger and sadness in your diary.
The staying power of the breakup not only caused a mental breakdown but also caused physical injuries.
After breaking up, there is nothing more struggling than touching the scene. The author believes that to relieve pain, you can do 5 simple and effective actions:
creates a sense of strangeness in a familiar environment, changes the placement of furniture in the room, and uses a small cost method to increase the sense of strangeness. There are many girls who do it, change their hair style and dress style; sunbathe; insist on regular aerobic exercise; eat well,It is necessary; watching a movie or TV series, If it is watching a tragedy, we can shed our own tears in other people’s stories; if it is an inspirational movie, it can arouse our fighting spirit. The peach blossoms are gone, I will buy roses for myself in the future.
At this point, we who are out of pain can calmly think about the reason for the breakup.
02 Find the truth about the breakup. The breakup is not because you are not good enough.
It was said in "The Ten Deadly Sins": Love is always unprepared, but the breakup is a long-planned.
The author jumped out of a single perspective of "love" and "not love", and looked at the question of "why he (she) wants to leave (derail)" from the perspective of psychological needs.
"Why" is called motivation in psychology. After breaking up, some people can't help but take out that period of love experience (marriage experience) and taste it over and over again, trying to find out where and when there is a problem in the relationship between the two.
The author believes that it is useless to always think about the past. What needs to be figured out is what will break up for him or her? What needs did he or she meet?
The breakup is not necessarily because the two people no longer love each other at all, but the breakup must be related to changes in needs.
The needs of each other are not met, and a little bit of disappointment is piled up. Gradually, there is no passion, alienation, no more intimacy, until you give up.
There are two changes in demand:
A kind of breakup is because the needs are not met, but they find satisfaction in others.
A kind of breakup is to meet needs, such as for freedom, for a better job, and for a better material life; to repair the stalemate relationship with your parents because of your love partner.
Breaking up is related to demand,The change in demand often comes from a change in role.
This is why breakups, derailments, and divorces often occur before and after graduation, separation in different places, promotion and salary increase, or marriage or marriage, pregnancy and postpartum... These time points are periods of rapid changes in roles. .
The role change will bring new demands. Once the change in demand is not noticed and not met in time, it will lay a hidden danger for the breakdown of the relationship.
The so-called breakup refers to the change in the needs of the breaking up party, and it has nothing to do with whether the person being broken up is good enough or not at fault.
Only by clarifying the truth of the breakup can we untie the knot, avoid repeating the same mistakes, and find the golden key to affirm and rebuild ourselves.
03 The more you love yourself, the more the world loves you
Everyone has been panicked all day long with the gains and losses of love. Some people’s breakup pain will go away over time, while some people no longer believe in love after experiencing a painful relationship, or even believe that they are worthy of being loved. Falling in love not only loses the other person, but also loses the confidence and courage of the lover.
The author tells us in a pro-test effective method: breaking up is not necessarily a disaster .
The crack is where the sun shines in. The twists and turns of intimacy is the best opportunity for us to see and reshape ourselves.
" Wonderful Story " has a wheel battle, which is about the predecessor's debate.
Fu Seoul The first sentence is: My predecessor is very good. She said that only occasionally saw news about him that I remembered this shining person, I had loved him.
Because the former mother thought Fu Seoul was too strong and opposed their relationship, they broke up.
After the breakup, Fu Seoul is better and stronger, and is suffocating his energy to make a name for himself. In those years, she ran forward desperately like a "gyro" that never stopped.
She read books, blogs, and contributed articles day and night. She wrote silently for 10 years, until an article about her ex’s sentiment became a hit, and her public account became popular, and then she published a book. The writer's dream.
She is so strong, she actively participates in various competition programs. In every game, I don't be afraid of scolding, disdain the ridicule of "ugly and fat", and try my best to do my best. Until 2021, won the "Wonderful Talk" Bbking, ushering in the most dazzling moment of life.
While working hard to pursue her dreams, Fu Seoul also corrected many shortcomings, learned many lessons before, and turned the influence of her predecessor into nourishment. She said, When I was with him, it was a stone. But with others, I turned myself into a diamond.
Every love has its egg, and the name of this egg is growth.
If you miss a person, you can't miss life; if you miss a good relationship, you have the opportunity to see yourself more complete and to meet yourself better.
In the book, Dr. Xuemin Cao thoughtfully provides us with a growth roadmap for rebuilding ourselves.
First learn to accept yourself . Do not suppress, reject, or blame yourself for your feelings of sadness, sadness, and regret. When we are close to our own heart, we truly love ourselves. Only when you can love yourself can you have the ability to love others.
The second is to build a psychological support system that "always grows and is not afraid of harm". A good psychological support system not only allows us to safely pass the low period after a breakup, but also helps us improve our mental flexibility and resist stress.
Third, rebuilding oneself means being able to be oneself freely and rethinking life goals, and insist on it:
·Find the value you want to pursue. For example, I hope to have outstanding performance at work; I hope my life is full and meaningful; I hope to get the support and love of my loved ones; I hope to do something useful to others and to society.
·Set a small goal that you can do right away. For example, read a five-page book before going to bed, run 1 kilometer a day, and optimize your life state
·Set a short- and medium-term goal, keep reading for 1-3 years, participate in the half marathon two years later, experience and try Things not done.
·Set long-term goals and hope to be who you will be in 5 or 10 years.
Continue to adjust and correct toward the goal, and grow upward to the sun. Only the tears shed by the wounds are valuable, and the meaning of life can be magnificent and rich.
When we love ourselves enough, the world will love us more; when we become a diamond, we have the opportunity to meet another diamond; when we can smile to the future, we will find that the meaning of breaking up is far beyond us Imagination.
Conclusion
Love is the motif of life, and it is also a difficult problem. Therefore, many media and books are teaching people how to confess and how to love each other, but few people tell us how to end love decently, and no one tells us how to forget, how to heal, and how to start a new life after being forced to end love. Love, how to be happy and complete.
The book "The Psychology of Breakup" answers the doubts and questions after the breakup, giving us a definite reference and basis. Dr. Xuemin Cao’s research and exploration have filled the gaps in the field of emotional cognition.
In today’s ever-changing and uncertain era, it is not only the love between men and women that is separated at any time, but also the lost affection, friendship, lost youth, health, and living conditions... the original old me will be destroyed at any time, Being changed and abandoned, it is especially important to learn to see oneself, accept oneself, rebuild oneself, and start anew. From this perspective, the scientific concepts and practical methods of "Broken Up Psychology" have a broader meaning beyond simply healing emotional pain.
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