Qian Zhongshu said that marriage is like a besieged city. People outside the city want to go in, and people in the city want to come out. But in fact, due to many factors, divorce is not so easy. Some people get along in another way: separation.
1
This year 34-year-old Zhang Min was born in a small town. After graduating from a three colleges and universities, she came to the provincial city to wander around. Diploma, a job is difficult to find, and later applied for a cashier in a shopping mall.
Zhang Min is 22 years old this year, at the age of youth and invincibility. But she knew very well that if she wanted to live well, she still had to rely on herself. Zhang Min's conscientious work attitude attracted the attention of Wang Tao, an employee of the Treasury Management Department.
Wang Tao is a local, 3 years older than Zhang Min, the only child in the family, his parents are both workers, and his family background is average. He took the initiative to pursue Zhang Min, and soon the two fell in love.
They fell in love for about a year and a half, and Zhang Min and Wang Tao decided to get married. Wang Tao's parents sold the small two-bedroom house as a down payment and mortgaged a large three-bedroom house. Of course, Zhang Min and his wife would pay the mortgage.
After marriage, Zhang Min lived with his in-laws. At that time, many little sisters who came to work from other places admired Zhang Min. They felt that she not only found a good husband, but also managed to stay in the provincial capital.
Soon, daughter Linlin came, and her in-laws helped them with their children. But even so, the pressure of life is still coming.
Due to the strong attack of e-commerce, the business of the mall is not as good as every day, and Zhang Min and Wang Tao's income has not increased but declined, and in addition, they have to pay off their mortgages. Life is very difficult.
Zhang Min said to Wang Tao: "We can't both be here. We have to go out and look for opportunities, otherwise the days will pass and it will be harder." Wang Tao hesitated because he didn't know what he could do when he went out.
Seeing that her husband was so timid, Zhang Min's heart was frustrated and he resigned.
That year, when she was 28 years old, she was looking for jobs everywhere, but unfortunately she was repeatedly frustrated. finally,She got a job as a salesman in an insurance company.
As we all know, insurance sales is hard work, but it is also a miracle industry. In the first three months, Zhang Min was not discouraged during the difficult period of buying insurance for himself and his family to fill his performance, insisting on "sweeping the building" and visiting one by one. Finally, after half a year in the industry, Zhang Min's performance has improved.
Since then, Zhang Min put all his enthusiasm and energy into work, and her income has been increasing year by year in return.
As a result of dealing with all kinds of people all the year round, Zhang Min's vision has become broadened and people become more confident. It was just that she discovered that she and Wang Tao were drifting away unconsciously.
In the past, she and Wang Tao relied on wages for their meals, and planned to spend money every month. But now Zhang Min is different. Whether it is buying daily necessities or buying vegetables or fruits, he always pays attention to quality.
Good quality is of course a lot more expensive, but Wang Tao believes that the most expensive food is eaten in the stomach, which is obviously not worth it. For this reason, he often quarreled with Zhang Min, accusing Zhang Min of making a little money, not knowing how high it is, and forgetting his roots.
Zhang Min felt that Wang Tao was simply unreasonable, and immediately retorted: "What's wrong with me earning money by labor and improving the quality of life? You have the ability to earn it by yourself!" Zhang Min's words made Wang Tao angry. There is no way to refute it.
Especially when Zhang Min proposed to buy another house, Wang Tao firmly opposed it. He felt that living a life could not make himself so stressed. Zhang Min was so angry that he cursed: "I don't understand why a big man doesn't want to make more money, and thinks about saving food and clothing all the time. Is it interesting for you to go on like this?" This is starkly despising yourself. He felt that the simple and hard-working Zhang Min had disappeared and was replaced by a vain woman full of money.
After that, the couple quarreled frequently. Zhang Min reads and studies, Wang Tao said she was pretending; Zhang Min worked overtime to visit clients, Wang Tao said she was outside; Zhang Min wanted to buy a house and a car, and wanted to send her daughter to the Peiyou class. Wang Tao said she was vain and self-conscious. Capacity.
In short, any move by Zhang Min can be spotted by Wang Tao.
Gradually, Zhang Min felt that life was very depressing. In fact, Wang Tao is a good man in the eyes of outsiders. He doesn't gamble or prostitute. He doesn't have any bad habits. In addition to going to work, he goes home to surf the Internet and watch TV. He doesn't socialize with others. But such Wang Tao had already lost its luster in Zhang Min's eyes.
After careful consideration, Zhang Min and Wang Tao reached a consensus: separate.
The reason why they do not divorce is because they do not want to cause psychological harm to the children and the elderly, and neither of them has any plans to find someone again. They just want to live apart and be free to each other.
Soon, Zhang Min bought a small apartment and moved out alone. Daughter Linlin stayed with her mother three days a week, and three days with her father. On Sunday, Zhang Min would go back to her in-laws.
After a period of running-in, Linlin quickly adapted to this kind of life.
One day, Linlin said to Zhang Min sensibly: "Mom, I like this very much. I feel much happier now than you quarreled every day before."
Zhang Min held her daughter and was very moved. Yes, who said that separation is not good, at least she feels that the whole person is relaxed.
2
37-year-old Yao Jing and her husband Shao Bo are an enviable pair of golden virgins in the eyes of outsiders.
Yao Jing works as a sales manager in a famous foreign company, and Shao Bo, who is two years older than her, works as the project director of in a large technology company. Shao Wavelength is very gentle and handsome, and Yao Jing is also responsible for the appearance, and the couple earns a lot of money, and they always bring their own halo wherever they go.
Yao Jing and Shao Bo met through a blind date. Yao Jing was 28 years old that year, when Shao Bo was still working in another city. Long distance relationships are very hard, but Yao Jing rarely complains. This makes Shao Bobei gratified. He feels that this kind of spiritual and financially independent woman is a good match for him.
The two fell in love for less than a year and then walked into the besieged city.
After marriage, Shao Bo still works in other places, except for coming back every holiday,I go home for three or four days every month. Maybe it's the distance that produces beauty, there is almost no contradiction between the two, and the life is very harmonious.
In the second year after marriage, a son is born. Shao Bo not only hired a full-time babysitter, but also an hourly houseworker. The elderly on both sides take turns to take care of Yao Jing's mother and child.
When the child was 3 years old, Yao Jing was promoted to sales manager, and her work became even busier. At this time, Shao Bo was transferred back to the headquarters. At this time, the family of three was finally reunited.
However, the strange thing is that less than a year after Yao Jing and Shao Bo have lived together, the contradiction has become prominent.
Shao Bo is a typical technical nerd. He doesn't like socializing, and he doesn't understand the fun and romance of life. In his concept, giving the money he makes to his wife is the greatest love for his wife. Yao Jing's character is exactly the opposite of his.
Yao Jing was born as a salesperson and is good at dealing with people. She especially likes to attend various gatherings, make friends with people in various industries, and expand her network. Of course, she hoped that Shao Bo could go with her.
At first, Shao Pomian went there twice, but he complained for a few days after returning. From then on, no matter how Yao Jing mobilized him, he would rather play games at home than go to the place where coveted things are intertwined.
Moreover, Shao Bo is a bit machismo.
Yao Jing and Shao Bo not only have different personalities, but also have different hobbies. Shao Bo likes sports; Yao Jing prefers literary style. Whenever Yao Jing sheds tears from reading a book or a movie, Zhao Bo laughed at her and moaned without illness.
The most unbearable thing for Yao Jing is that Yao Jing loves spicy food and likes hot pot and other heavy-tasting foods, while Shao Bo can't touch it at all, otherwise it will cause stomach troubles. As long as the two eat together, there will be quarrels.
After living together for a long time, Yao Jing finds that she and Shao Bo are completely people in two worlds, without any intersection. Moreover, both of them have strong personalities and always hope that each other will follow their own arrangements.
But the opposite is that the two strong combination, no one can convince the other, but turned the family into a battlefield. Although not yelling or insulting, the cold war and ridicule are indispensable.
Over time, both Yao Jing and Shao Bo feel very tired,Use various excuses such as overtime and business trips to avoid facing each other.
However, they are soberly aware that divorce will affect their children and their careers at this time, and they don't want to change their lives at all.
In the end, they also chose to separate. Shao Bo moved out, but just like many years ago, he came back to live for a few days in a month, accompany his children and see his parents.
In this way, the couple are respectful and relaxed. Don't care about the other person's opinion, don't worry about the other person's feelings, don't follow the other person's will, and don't have to waste your mind to cater to the other person.
According to Yao Jing: "Seeing Ben forty, I don't want to accommodate anyone, I just want to be myself."
3
I have repeatedly emphasized one point: " Marriage is a collection of interests, and the main purpose is legal sex and childbirth."
Many people criticized me for only talking about interests, not feelings, and there is no human touch. In fact, I have a black question mark on my face. Because, even if I define it this way, I didn't say that there can be no warmth in it!
subdivided, feeling is a kind of interest. If you have feelings for him, if you get married, your feelings will be relatively stable, and you will have legal possession of him. At the same time, your income is half of each other. It is in your common interest to raise your children together and be responsible for your children together.
If he wants to get a divorce, it will not only hurt your feelings, but also hurt your interests and at the same time hurt the children's interests. Similarly, if you want to get a divorce, the same is true for him. Therefore, stability is the top priority for marriage.
Why do you want a divorce? Perhaps the two are no longer in love, or one of them has moved away from each other, or they have an irreconcilable conflict and don't want to live with each other.
It is often not the feelings that determine whether a marriage can dissolve, but whether the separation of the common interests of both parties is reasonable.
If the two parties can properly cut their interests, let the loss fall within the range that each other can bear, and the children's interests have been fully taken care of.Then, the marriage is divorced.
Another situation is that the two people really don't want to live together, but they don't want to or it is difficult to cut their interests (including the child problem), and finally the two parties decide to keep the marriage. However, what should we do if we don’t know each other?
Separation is a good way that is not a solution.
The advantage of living apart is that without interfering with each other, both parties can do what they want, even including love and dating. However, in the legal sense, this is still a derailment. If it is discovered by others, it is very troublesome.
For example, a female celebrity was found cheating, and her husband came up with a separation agreement, saying that the two parties had long since not interfered with each other's emotional life. The implication is that this is not a green hat, and the people who eat melon are wrong.
Indeed, everyone knows that separation is not a divorce, but empathy or falling in love is still not appropriate, but everyone feels that this cannot be regarded as a moral issue.
Separation is the best proof of the marriage interest group-as long as there are common interests, even if they don't love each other or sleep in the same bed, their marriage can still be maintained.
However, separation is not a divorce after all. Maintaining the original interests will harm the new interests and eventually bring new harm and troubles. Because after a relationship has been frozen, people are likely to find new relationships.
For example, you fell in love with someone and wanted to marry him, but he said, sorry, baby, I just separated from my partner. Therefore, I cannot give you a name, nor can I give you a home.
is a joke: If you do something like this, do you want to take a photo of the other person with a brick?
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