It has been almost 30 years, and one thing has always been hidden in the deepest part of my heart. I don't know if it has anything to do with my current life, but I have not been able to get rid of it.
Narrator: Ye Mei (pseudonym)
Age: 38 years old
Occupation: clerk
(1)
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Recently, my husband and I are always having trouble with that. It's a bit unpleasant, but in fact, our relationship has always been very good. Every time I talk to others about my family, I feel very happy, very excited and very happy.
I can’t bear to leave my house for a moment, and I don’t want to leave my lover. Even if I go to my mother’s house for a day, I think that my husband may not have dinner at home, I will be unreliable, so I eagerly want to go back. Unhappy.
I go to bed every night and I am used to holding my lover's hand. It has been 16 years now. Maybe no one believes it, but now, when I talk about his kindness to me, I will still be moved to cry. But I don't like to do that between husband and wife. I like to hold hands with him, like him to hold me gently, but he doesn't understand me very much in this respect.
I don’t understand either. Doesn’t it mean that I don’t love him if I don’t do that with him? I am almost 40 years old myself. It doesn't matter what is big, but sometimes I feel pessimistic because of a little emotion that suddenly appears. At this time, I feel lonely. It is the kind of loneliness from the bottom of my heart that makes me feel very helpless.
(2)
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I also have netizens who can chat on the Internet, but the strange thing is that every time I meet netizens, especially men, no matter how speculative they are, they only It can bring me and my love closer together. Especially if someone says that I am beautiful and temperamental, and women say that, I still feel happy in my heart. If I change a man to say, I will be angry and feel that he is very erotic, and immediately black him out. There is no room for other men in my heart.
My growing up experience is far more complicated than my marriage. Sometimes I have to think too much. I am afraid of doing things that my husband does not like, and I am afraid that my married life will be uneasy. I don't know why this happens. In fact, I maintain sufficient vigilance and vigilance for many things.
Actually, don't think of me as a weak woman. I have always been very independent. Whether it is work or other things, I have done very well. But I think there are always some knots deep in my heart that cannot be opened. Maybe my current state is related to my past experience.
(3)
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There is one thing buried in my heart for nearly 30 years. I have never mentioned it to anyone, including my parents and lovers and so-called friends.
I was sent to my grandma's house by my mother when I was very young, until I was 13 years old. My body began to develop that year, and I looked much more mature than girls of the same age, but at that time my psychological age was not extraordinary, I didn't realize what that would mean, and I was ignorant of everything.
One night, when I was sleeping in a daze, I suddenly felt something on my body, and I was awakened all of a sudden. Oh my God, that was actually a pair of big hands. Maybe it felt that I was awake, and my hands left soon.
I felt unprecedented fear, but I dared not make a sound. In fact, when the incident first happened, although I felt like my grandfather's hand, I didn't want to be my own relatives. Since then, I dare not go to bed at night, even if I am asleep, as long as there is a little movement, I will immediately open my eyes.
Once again, the hands reached into my quilt and began to touch me. I was very annoyed and grabbed a handful of nails on the backs of both hands, just to prove whether it was my grandfather. Because at that time, my grandmother’s house would often come to play cards, I wonder if they were hiding in a certain corner, and they would come out to do bad things at night.
(3)
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But,When I was eating the next morning, I clearly saw the obvious scratches on the back of my grandfather's hand. Who can understand the complicated emotions of that 13-year-old girl at the time of that horror, loss, and pain? But I dare not tell my grandma all this, I don't know how to say it, I'm afraid she won't believe it, I don't want my grandma to quarrel with my grandpa, and I'm even more afraid of unexpected things happening to me. That day, I ran to a place where no one was crying, crying very sadly.
It has been almost 30 years, those hands, that incident is still like it happened yesterday, and I burst into tears every time I think of it. I actually experienced many things in my childhood, but I remember this unique event very clearly.
After that, I never wanted to go to my grandmother's house anymore, but my mother didn't know what happened and still forced me to be with them. I remember it was getting dark one day, and my mother hurried me to go home. I am sad and angry. Because I saw other children live with their parents, why should I go to live with my grandmother. I asked my mother, am I your biological child? Do you love me or not?
No matter how I cry, in the end, I still have to be forced to go to my grandmother's house by my mother. It was a cold winter, and the road passed through a deserted clearing. I sat there alone crying loudly. It was really sad. An acquaintance happened to pass by and asked me what happened. I said it was okay. I lost something and couldn't find it. I was afraid of being scolded by my mother.
That person told my mother about this. Early the next morning, my mother went to see me at my grandma's house and bought some delicious food. Later, when my mother asked me what happened, I made up a reason and insisted on leaving my grandmother's house. Then my mother agreed.
(four)
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But this incident still hurt me too deeply, until I get married, when my lover wants to make me intimate, just think of it , Thinking of the big hands that appeared late at night, I immediately lost the mood.
Actually since that incident, I have become a bit introverted. Later, I left school and went to work in a factory. I don't like actively making friends, so I impress others very proudly. Actually I am a very sincere woman,Once I have been in contact with people said that I have a good temper and I am good at talking.
I have a friend named Huazi, who is 3 years younger than me. Because I don't care about things, Huazi likes to be with me very much. It's just that Huazi and I don't work in the same factory. She is in another factory, very close to the leader's office. After a long time, rumors spread, and no one paid any attention to her. She was always looking for me at that time. I felt that she was nice and kind to me. People said that it was secondary, so I didn't care.
The leaders in the factory all like girls who can act like a baby, and they often get a free job. But I never fawn on being an official, on the contrary I often avoid them. I feel that my purpose is to use my own labor to get the corresponding reward, there is no need to sell my dignity to please the leader.
At that time, my work was in three shifts. One day in the middle of the night after I went to work, just after 3:30 in the morning, my work was completed. The director said that he took me home, and felt warm at the time, so he agreed.
(5)
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On the way home, he did not take me home directly, but led me to a restaurant door. He said, hungry, what do you want to eat?
I was really touched at the time. Since I was young, no one has ever treated me like this. I bought steamed buns and drinks, and I was quite full. Then I said go back. The factory manager said well and drove forward, but it was not my way home. I think something is wrong.
The factory manager drove the car on a remote road, stopped there, and lit a cigarette without saying anything. At that moment, my heart was full of fear, like going back to that night many years ago. I don't speak until he finishes smoking. The director said, Xiaomei, do you need money? Say whatever you want, I'll buy it for you.
Let me say something: Thank you, uncle, I will not ask for your money. In fact, I know what he wants to do, but it's impossible for me. Later, he chatted with me a few more words and sent me home.
I still work as usual the next day,As if nothing happened.
(six)
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is another night shift, and work ends at 5 am. I was worrying about how to go home, the deputy director came over and said to me, let's go, go home together.
The deputy director and I are on the way, but his style and character are not good, especially when looking at people, his eyes are always squinted, I hate him very much. But there was no way, because there were few pedestrians on the road in that place, and I was a little scared, so I agreed to go home with him.
We rode our bicycles and turned to a very secluded road. He suddenly said, "Come down, I have something to say." At that time, my heart was very alert, and the place where I stopped was 3 steps away from him. He put the car in, and walked towards me, still saying, "I'll give you money, you'll be nice to me, etc."
I was very annoyed and answered him loudly: "You are great if you have money. I respect you and call you uncle. You are an elder. Are you not afraid that I will tell this kind of thing? I won't tell you. How is it."
He stopped there abruptly, just staring at me like that. I was not afraid at the time, and looked at him unyieldingly. I knew he didn't dare to do anything to me, so his eyes were facing each other for a full minute. Later he said, let's go, I will take you home.
(seven)
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That thing passed like this, stay more vigilant in my heart. Two more days later, when I was sleeping at home, someone knocked on the door, it was Huazi. I opened the door to take a look, and was stunned, because the deputy factory director was here with me.
I poured a glass of water for both of them. The deputy director said, Huazi went to buy cold drinks. Huazi agreed and left. The deputy director began to say something provocative again. I said bluntly, if you are like this, I will tell my family. He seemed to be shocked by my words, and then he smoked silently. I really want him to leave right away, but he is the director of the factory and dare to offend too deeply.
but since then,Such a thing never happened again. The factory manager also introduced me to someone, and he has always respected me. As for the deputy director, he never troubled me again, but there were many rumors about him.
After a while, I left the factory. Once when they were chatting with some former friends, they talked about Huazi, saying that she and the deputy director had a turmoil in the city, and how angry the deputy director’s wife was.
I was stunned after listening, but I couldn't believe it was true. Suddenly, I seemed to understand something. That time Huazi took the deputy director to my house, it must have been premeditated. My heart trembled again. Since then, I have never contacted Huazi again, and I have never trusted anyone again.
Later, I met my husband. In fact, my parents’ marriage has a great influence on me. My parents, as far as I can remember, the two have often quarreled, but they have always made do with it. I don't have too many thoughts about my marriage. I just want to find someone who loves me and can spend my life safely.
(eight)
Actually, my parents didn't look down on my husband. He looks very ordinary and he is not tall. If I stand with him in high heels, it seems to be taller than him. Every time he came to my house, his parents would show him his face.
Back then, it was strange. The more I wanted to get things that my parents didn't like. The more they dislike and oppose it, I prefer to like it. Therefore, I inexplicably pityed him, and I wanted to be nice to him. When he eats at my house, I am afraid that his parents will embarrass him, so I will not let him eat with my parents. Later he noticed it and stopped coming to my house for dinner.
At that time, I was working in a big shopping mall. He was an ordinary worker in a factory. He didn't pay attention to his clothes at all. In order to prevent him from having a psychological gap, I tried my best not to dress myself up as fashionable as possible. He also knows that I am very accommodating to everything I do.
When we started dating, we often went out to eat.Every time I don’t want him to waste money too much, and dare not eat more of the dishes he likes. He can tell that every time he pays the bill, he asks for another dish that I love and asks me to pack it. I was very touched, and slowly I really fell in love with him, despite the strong opposition from my parents, I decided to marry him.
Later, he asked me to leave the mall and come to my current unit. In fact, I am willing to stay at home, not going anywhere. I know this is not good, but I still like it. I can spend a day at home quietly without feeling lonely. Just waiting for her husband and children to come back. It’s just that sometimes I’m in a bad mood and I love crying. I don't know if these emotions are related to my past experience, but I really want to get out of that emotion and live the rest of the day well and easily.
Marriage navigation:
Some girls are susceptible to molestation when they grow up. Such molestation may come from strangers or relatives around them. This has become a trauma that is difficult for them to get out of in their lives, which affects their quality of life, and this is not their fault. I hope that after reading this article, people who have had the same experience as the protagonist can find a professional consultant to heal themselves.
If you also have emotional stories and emotional confusion that you want to talk to, you can send a message to Sister Yan!
This article is organized according to the protagonist's dictation. It is not easy to be original, please do not plagiarize.
article/Hebei Youth Daily reporter Pi Xueyan
editor/Pi Xueyan
The copyright belongs to Hebei Heqing Media Co., Ltd., and it is not allowed to reprint
without permission.
