After the child's father comes home from get off work, he either "Ge You Lie" or play on his mobile phone. The child ran over and called him to play games with him. The child's father said directly, "Have you finished your homework?" The child didn't care and insisted on playing games with his father. As a result, the child cried and his father used the authority of the parents to criticize the child.
You pretend to have diarrhea, sit on the toilet and play mobile phones or read e-books, and let the young Erbao rush to find his mother outside the door. You just don’t open the door, and hope that he will retire if he finds it. Dad playing with mobile phone on the balcony.
If your child bites his nails, you stop him at first, then you don't stop him, and even want to encourage him, so that you don't have to cut his nails every week.
You take good care of your children every day, exhausted, facing your aging face, looking at the only cosmetic on the dressing table-9 yuan and 9 bottles of Dabao SOD honey, the kind that works for two or three years, you feel There is a sense of powerlessness with mixed flavors. You finally understand why the old lady in the community always thinks you are the grandmother of the child. We must know that in this era when Li Jiaqi’s live broadcast of cosmetics sold for tens of thousands of yuan can be sold in seconds, women who only use big treasures are simply rare animals.
After you finally put the two children to sleep, it was 11 or 12 o'clock in the evening. You turned on your phone and wanted to read e-books for a while, but your eyelids fought unconvincingly. You simply turned off your phone to go to sleep. The lack of energy and time to chat with her husband for a day has led to more and more conflicts between the husband and wife, and the two are tired of seeing each other. What about
saying good learning and good self-growth? All lost to sleepy mind.
Many times you can’t wait for yourself to be a Monkey King, and you will change in seventy-two ways: a complete mother for your child, a complete wife for your husband, a complete self for yourself, and a chef who specializes in three meals a day. Become a cleaner who specializes in sanitation...This way, mothers and children can be filial, husbands and wives can be loving-children can always have an energetic and peaceful mother; husband has a gentle and considerate wife; they can also have a positive and optimistic , Study hard, be self-improving every day; and do all kinds of housework impeccably.
However, this is just a pipe dream.
Life forces you to admit this cruel reality: you are not Monkey King, there are no seventy-two changes, you are just an ordinary woman, you also need to eat, drink and sleep, you will also burp, fart and lose your temper. It’s not that you don’t want to grow, but that you’re tired every day and become a dog. Even sleeping is a luxury; you don’t want to learn, but life has become a chicken feather. What’s more, every chicken feather can make you emotional collapse.
You can't help but sigh, it's hard to be a woman, but even harder to be a mother! Is the child not good enough? Or are we not doing enough? Obviously, I have tried very hard to control my emotions, why is it still burning?
After reading "Childhood No Lack of Love: How to Give Children a Lifetime Security" (hereinafter referred to as "Childhood No Lack of Love") written by Xinxin's mother, I want to understand this question. It is not that we are not good enough, but that we have not learned to love ourselves. We are busy every day, for the children and the family, but we have not reserved private time and space for ourselves, so that we can recover and "charge", so as to maintain a peaceful mood to get along with the children and give them better love and safety sense.
Xinxin's mother is the mother of two daughters. From a bank clerk to a full-time mother, she has found her direction in life-raising children can give her a sense of accomplishment more than a workplace close to business. So, Xinxin's mother opened her own official account, and while updating the official account, she became the author of Uncle Kai's storytelling and growth tree platforms.
Xinxin's mother shared her parenting stories and experiences in the book "Childhood Is Not Lack of Love". has refined the key points for mothers to cultivate children's sense of security from six aspects: one is to "see" and understand the child; the other is Understand children and give love reasonably; third is to pay attention to parent-child connection and nourish the relationship; fourth is to communicate effectively and learn to reflect; fifth, mothers must learn to love themselves and get along with their children in a peaceful mood; sixth, learn to deal with "parenting partnership" People’s relationship to get more support.
After reading this book, I found that as a mother, explores the real reason for emotional out-of-control, the ability to reflect after emotional out-of-control, and learns to be considerate and caring for myself, so that I can "charge" in time to be "full of power". Face children, face life, onlyIt is a skill that every mother needs to learn urgently.
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The real reason why mothers lose control of their emotions
As mothers, why are we always easy to lose control of emotions? Because the child is really bad? Or is it because I am not a good mother?
Xinxin Ma reveals four reasons why we lose control of our emotions in "Childhood Is Not Short of Love".
The first type is to take the opportunity to release one's tension, anxiety, powerlessness, guilt and fear.
The child woke up in the morning, and the mother kept reminding him, but the child didn't get any faster at all. Instead, it made the mother feel that she was deliberately against us. So the mother raised the decibel and began to blame or scold the child. The child finally couldn't stand it and began to cry. The more the child cried, the more irritable the mother was, dragging the child out of the house with shouts and curses, counting all the way. The child walked up to the school gate with tears, even before breakfast. I believe many families have played the scene of
urging children to go to school. But why did the mother change from urging the child to losing control of her emotions? The author of
pointed out that our emotional out-of-control is actually an opportunity for us to release our tension, weakness, anxiety and guilt.
For another example, when the child did not follow his mother to cross the road and was almost hit by a car, the mother excitedly blamed the child for not following herself and nearly had a car accident.
Why would mother blame her child instead of herself? In fact, my mother felt guilty for not pulling the child well, and felt nervous and fearful about possible car accidents, but it was wrongly manifested through emotional loss of control.
The second, the surrounding environment and the evaluation of others make us emotionally out of control.
We are always susceptible to the surrounding environment and people's evaluation to affect our opinions. If you care too much about other people's evaluations, your family atmosphere will easily be affected. As the saying goes, "If you don't read a book, your values will be determined by your friends and family." My husband
quarreled with me about his son's walking problem. My son hadn't been able to walk when he was almost one year old. My husband was anxious and accused me of not teaching him how to walk. The father-in-law also called to say that many children would be gone in ten months, and asked us to buy a walker. I disagree, because I know about walking. Every child has his own developmental pattern. There is no problem in walking before the age of three or four months. But it should not be too early. For example, it is a bit early to walk at ten months, and the pediatrician does not recommend that the child walk so early. But my husband and father-in-law were too anxious, thinking that my son was walking too late because I didn't teach.
Fortunately, his son learned to walk not long after he was one year old.
I analyzed it. The reason why my husband loses control of his emotions is because he sees the children around him walking earlier than his own children. Under the influence of this environment, he has anxiety. At the same time, he did not take the initiative to learn knowledge about the growth and development of infants, and was unable to resolve his anxiety, so he transferred the anxiety to me. Another example is
. It is generally believed that children are fatter and taller than other children when they are young. If the child gets thinner, you will be considered an unqualified mother.
The child has gone to school, academic performance should be good, and good habits must be developed. If the child fails to do so, you will be considered an unqualified mother...
mothers want to be completely unaffected by these so-called standards and evaluations It is too difficult. Sometimes, even other relatives of the child want to go crazy when they say "the child is thin".
Xinxin’s mother said in the book: “If we don’t have a clear ruler in our hearts, other people’s evaluations will wait for the opportunity to define what kind of person we are.”
The third type is not worthy of self. Bring frustration to the embodiment .
British psychoanalyst John Bowlby criticized the status quo of society: "People who devote themselves to the production of material goods will be included in the economic index of the society, and they devote themselves to cultivating healthy, happy, and self-reliant people in their own families. Children’s people will not be counted in the economic index of the society. We have created a society that is completely upside-down." When going out to work, the value of mothers can be measured by things like wages, and when bringing children at home But there is no reliable thing to measure the value of mothers, which leads to the fact that mothers cannot be sure of their dedication to family and children, Stable "income" like wages.
The value of full-time mothers is not respected and recognized by the society, and the frustration caused by the failure to reflect this sense of self-worth of mothers makes full-time mothers in anxiety.
Lijiang Huaping Girls’ High School principal Zhang Guimei said to a student who was a full-time wife who came to donate: “Get out!”
Judging from the oath of Huaping Girls’ High School, I can understand her. Her starting point is good. She hopes that the students she has worked so hard to train can do more valuable things and can contribute to the society by her own ability, rather than relying on men to be full-time wives.
However, as a person with social influence, President Zhang denies the value of a full-time mother. I think it is inappropriate. Although her high school for girls is completely opposite to the idea of educating girls in a girls’ moral school, in my opinion, it is two extremes, both of which are a bit extreme, which is not conducive to family happiness and social harmony. Whether
is a full-time mother or not is someone else’s choice, we are beyond blame. On the contrary, I think society should respect and recognize full-time mothers more. After all, no nanny can treat children like mothers. If wages are used to measure the work of a full-time mother, I think there are not many families that can afford it.
's respect and recognition for full-time mothers can promote family happiness, harmony and stability. Only when the small family is happy, harmonious and stable will the society be harmonious and stable.
The fourth type is to scold children for pursuing perfection.
Is the child a perfect child as long as the mother is 100 points? The answer to
is no.
Xinxin's mother pointed out in "Childhood Is Not Short of Love" that a mother who pursues perfection will be too harsh on her child.
For example, a mother who pursues perfection cannot accept that her child's grades are worse than others, even if the child is already second in the class; cannot accept that her child has no confidence in other children; cannot accept that her child writes as well as other children , Can't accept that their children sing as good as other children... They always say to their children, "You see XXX is much better than you", "You see XXX is one point more than you".
Actually, what this kind of mother can't accept is that their own contribution is not proportional to their gain. In their eyes, they have already given so much, and their children should be perfect "children of other people". If children do not meet expectations, perfect mothers will easily lose control of their emotions.
Under the pressure and blow of the perfect mother, children often form unobjective self-evaluations such as "I am not good enough", "I am wrong", etc. This affects the child's sense of security and self-confidence, and is not conducive to building a healthy parent-child relationship.
In fact, children do not need a perfect 100-point mother, but a "good enough mother", that is, a "60-point mother". The author of
pointed out in the book that the 40 points lost are left to children to explore freedom and independent life space.
For example, when a young child got angry and threw blocks because he couldn't build blocks, you used to help him build all the blocks, and you were the perfect mother.
When you see the child being angry, having a temper, but trying to rebuild it again, and the building blocks fall down again, and he continues to cry and build, you go to stroke his shoulder and encourage him to "don't worry, let go" , You are a good enough mother.
When a child loses his temper and lay on the ground crying, but you step forward and give him a sentence, "Why can't others build it up, you are so stupid", you are a bad mother.
The perfect mother will deprive the child of every opportunity to explore, think and improve, and will make the child doubt his abilities.
can be seen from the above, in fact, good enough mothers should see the children's efforts, not the results; they should encourage the children to continue to explore and continue to work hard instead of hitting the children. The child also needs a good enough mother who can see his efforts and encourage him.
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Learn to care for yourself and give your children a sense of security with a peaceful mood.
Moms “roar” their children because of the above reasons. They also know the negative impact of emotional out-of-control on the construction of children’s sense of security, but There are still times when emotions are out of control.
"The British psychoanalyst John Bowlby said that it is not the key to hitting the child or not. If you have a stable, predictable and secure attachment relationship with your child, you will occasionally shoutCalling and scolding will not cause much harm. "Z3z
A stable and predictable secure attachment relationship is like a "psychological band-aid" that can heal a child's small psychological trauma. This is why when we are still guilty of hitting the child, the child But they can show their love and attachment to us as if nothing has happened. Z3z
Even so, mothers should not over-digest this "psychological band-aid", but should actively learn some emotion control techniques to keep themselves in Under the state of "full power", give children a stable sense of security with a peaceful emotion.
In order to give children a stable and predictable secure attachment relationship, mothers need to learn to reflect and manage their emotions in daily parent-child interactions, and accept them. Be imperfect and learn to love yourself.
1. Use Satya Iceberg’s Diary to reflect
Reflection plays a very important role in personal growth. When there is a problem in the parent-child relationship, we need to reflect and seek solutions to avoid the problem from recurring . In this way, we can become a better self and the parents that children prefer. The author of
mentioned in "Childhood Is Not Short of Love" using Satya Iceberg's diary for reflection.
, a famous psychotherapist and family therapist Virgeny Ya Satia believes that human "self" is like an iceberg, and human behavior is only the tip of the iceberg that can be seen, and most of them are hidden under the iceberg. That is the "innerness" that has been suppressed for a long time and ignored by us. ". In these "inner" we will see the desires, expectations, opinions and feelings in life, and see the true self.
Therefore, when our emotions are out of control, we must not only see the surface emotions, but also Learn to look deeper and find out the reasons that make us lose control of our emotions.
For example, once my daughter wanted to eat steamed buns, I gave her money to buy them herself, but she didn’t dare, so I had to help her buy them. I was first Encouraging her, but she still didn't dare to go. I became angry and started to scold her, and she began to cry. As a result, I was so entangled that I couldn’t help it. While scolding and accusing her, I took her to buy a bun.
is here In one incident, the child did not dare to buy buns alone:
● My way of coping is-to blame and blame.
● My feelings are-irritability and anger.
● My feelings are-frustration and self Negative. Because seeing a child of the same age or younger than the daughter dare to go to the store or buy fast food, but the daughter dare not, it makes me feel very frustrated.
● My point of view is-I try to take her so hard, She should be perfect and brave.
● My expectation for myself is-I hope I can encourage my children to buy buns by themselves in a calm mood.
● My expectation for my children is-I hope they can buy buns by themselves.
● I hope that the children I have nurtured can make me feel fulfilled, and I hope my dedication is recognized.
● My self-evaluation——I think I can do many things well.
By filling the "iceberg", we can see that there is a big gap between the child's actual performance and my expectations. This is the reason why my emotions are out of control.
But if I could realize that my daughter actually has many advantages, and her timidity does not mean that I am a failed mother, then I might handle this matter with a peaceful mind, such as satisfying her requirements and letting She will try to buy it by herself next time.
What is gratifying is that later my daughter dared to go to the community supermarket to help me buy things. This made me realize that there is no need to force children to be brave every time, and allow children to be timid occasionally. When they are mentally prepared, they often have amazing changes.
Moms and dads treat the "slowness" in their children's growth with a normal attitude, and give them enough time for psychological preparation, which is much faster than forcing them to come.
2. Using emotional trigger points to manage emotions
News once reported that after a 6-year-old girl fell faint, her 12-year-old relative was afraid of being punished by her parents and hit the girl with a wooden board on the head and killed her. The news of
projects the sorrow of family education. Parents without exception blame their children for various types of mistakes, causing children to be afraid of making mistakes. In the caseThe 12-year-old relatives prefer to kill the girl in order to escape the parents' blame and punishment.
What a twisted psychology this is. Isn't this caused by the parents' indiscriminate scolding education?
can see how important it is for parents to learn to manage their emotions and treat their children rationally. The author of
mentioned an emotional trigger point awareness form in the book. Emotional trigger points mainly include three parts, namely trigger point, reaction and reaction source.
Psychology mentions that the reason why negative emotions are uncontrollable is because our strong reaction is not based on the current situation, but some past experience.
For example, crying of a child is a trigger point. If the child keeps crying, our response is to be upset. If the persuasion fails and the child still does not stop crying, then our response is to be irritable, accuse or even beat and scold the child. The source of the reaction may be that we were forbidden or even punished crying by our parents when we were young. Therefore, when our child cries, it awakens the sad memory of our childhood, and makes us especially uncomfortable and suffering. The form
is actually very practical. I find that I sometimes use this method to manage my emotions unconsciously.
For example, once my daughter broke a bowl, when I was about to blame her, my rational brain immediately scolded me for breaking a cup when I was a child, and was pierced by glass and my fingers bleed during the cleaning process. When I was wronged and dared not to replay the memory of my parents, I realized that I could not repeat the mistakes of my parents. Therefore, I changed my attitude towards my daughter’s unintentional mistake of breaking the bowl and said to her: “Be careful not to cut your hand. Just go to the balcony and take a broom to clean it.” After listening, my daughter was not afraid. His expression did not resist cleaning up the ceramic shards. After she cleaned up the big pieces, I took the transparent glue to glue the small pieces and threw them into the trash can.
I am glad that my daughter did not feel wronged and saddened by her parents for an unintentional mistake like when I was a child.
Think about how pitiful and sad the children who dare not go home for fear of making mistakes and dare not seek help.
Being a parent, you can be more tolerant and empathetic to your children, give your children a sense of security and trust in their parents, and at the same time, it is easier to cultivate your children into a responsible and responsible person.
3. Accept your own imperfections and learn to love yourself
"Love yourself is the foundation, we can't give others what they don't have."
people are not sages, who can be inferior. No one is perfect. Being too paranoid will only make yourself more tired and affect the relationship between husband and wife and parent-child.
Sometimes, women learn to accept their imperfections, tolerate themselves, let them let go of their bad emotions in time, and give their children a sense of love and security in a "full power" state, which is far more important than the pursuit of perfection and harsh children .
There are cracks in everything, and that is where the light comes in.
Because of the cracks, we can find the entry point to love ourselves.
Xinxin's mother mentioned in "No Lack of Love in Childhood", "To love yourself is to give to yourself after you understand yourself"; to "satisfy yourself with peace of mind"; and to "accept yourself to yourself after seeing the deficiencies". Uncle Kai
said in his micro headline:
"Middle-aged mothers, learn to decompress yourself. Z3z
be lazy:
don't need to be perfect in everything, don't have to clean the house spotlessly from time to time. Z3z
don't need to take care of everything. Child, he needs to grow up in trial, experience and making mistakes.
Your mind, time and energy can be used to take care of your emotions and do what you want to do.
look a little bit more:
life has a lot of things beyond your ability At the moment of giving birth to children and contributing to the family, we will not lose our value.
We can’t stop others’ eyes, just like we can’t repel the passage of time. When
is unhappy, we are not ashamed of crying and talking.
stop ourselves Doubt, self-denial. When
is helpless and low, imagine throwing yourself to the future, how will he solve it?
He will definitely tell you:
you have done well.
is no big deal.
So, please feel sorry for yourself now, relax and be that great you. "Z3z
Sometimes, less procrastination, less tidying up the closet, less lunch, less staring at the children's mistakes, less attention to the gossip, we can do what we like to do more once-read a few Pages I really want to read but have never had time to read; open the tea leaves in the cupboard that have not been opened for a long time, and make a cup of hot tea; draw a picture that I wanted to paint for a long time but did not paint; I have not listened to a song for a long time Worrying old songs; call the child’s father to check the child’s homework or wash the drenched pants; to have tea and chat with a friend who has always wanted to see but has no time to meet on the weekend...
are these "lazy" Things can moisturize our hearts most and let us be grateful for the gift of life. After a short break, we become a life warrior full of energy and a 60-point "good enough mother" that children like.
is a parent. Practice in the field. It’s the children who teach us how to be a "good enough parent", not how we teach them how to be a child. Realizing that your emotions will affect your children, then, Xinxin’s "Childhood Is Not Short of Love" will give you a lot of gains.
