If the heart of a person who avoids is compared to a castle, then when outsiders enter the castle, the originally brightly lit room will suddenly be powered off and become dark.
avoidant personality always has the top frequency of asking questions in the background, but this topic is too big, so it has not been made into a video for a long time. Sure enough, after I made a collection with everyone, I exploded the background again, but I found that many people have very big misunderstandings about avoidant personality. Today we will talk about this eternal problem.
1 What are you thinking when you avoid it? The metaphor of the castle at the beginning of
was told by a friend of a severely avoidant patient. This is the first time I have truly felt in my mind that the avoidant person feels this world and the people around me. Why do others turn off the lights as soon as they get close?
The most critical word is: conflict. Why do others directly turn into conflict if they want to understand themselves? Of course, it is difficult for people who are not avoidance to understand, but this is the logical loop that quickly flashes in the avoidance brain.
1. Although we are friends, we must take good care of ourselves. I don’t want to rely on you, and you’d better not rely on me. dependencies will cause conflicts , so turn off the lights.
2. Although I like you very much, you know me too deeply and will inevitably know more of my ideas. these ideas may not be consistent with you. Inconsistent may lead to conflicts , , so you need to turn off the lights.
3. Although I also want to have a relationship, I may be separated when I am together. will cause conflicts. . I would rather have never experienced it than lose it, so I have to turn off the lights.
4. Although I may not like you anymore, proactively asking for a breakup may hurt you. damage will bring conflicts , so I would rather continue to date without emotion in this way and turn off the lights at the same time.
I think there are many things like this when turning off the lights. To sum up, it is: As long as the avoidant person catches a trace of conflict, he will turn off the lights , This is a subconscious reaction.
2 Why some people like to turn off the lights so much
causes avoidance, there are also innate and acquired. Let’s talk about innate first. When we were still a little baby, we would show different degrees of attachment to those who took care of us. For example, if the parents who took care of you were their parents, and then your characteristics at that time were not obviously particularly sticky or rejecting them, then you would be closer to avoidant attachment. So if you want to know if you have a congenital tendency, you can ask who took care of you before you were three years old, and then find out if you were a clingy baby, a cold baby or a crying baby at that time. cold baby may have a tendency to avoid .
But this kind of attachment formation is not entirely innate, and some experiences in growth experience will also make some people avoid it. For example, emotional hurt, campus violence, etc., which make you fear and uneasy about the proximity of interpersonal relationships, you may subconsciously use avoidance to protect yourself, forming a conditioned reflex.
Summary, is born to look at what type of baby you are before 3 years old, and to see if you have suffered interpersonal injuries the day after tomorrow.
3 Avoidance = scum, inferiority, introvert?
Why do I say that some people may have some misunderstandings about avoidance? For example, when You Tang Waner mentioned such keywords, such as being ambiguous, having no sense of value, having to keep praising yourself, being inferior, being introverted, etc., they are actually not typical characteristics of avoidance.
People who may avoid it also have other problems, but avoiding it itself does not mean that you will be inferior and will be very scumbag. people are actually instinctively afraid of conflict, but the way they use it is different. Some people just want to have a big fight and get a good quarrel; while some people want to get a good quarrel the further away from the conflict. People who avoid them may be overly upright people, or people who are confident and expressive.
Don't equate avoidance with scumbag. My real experience with my friend who avoids me has given me a deep experience. My avoidance friends are probably the ones I have ever seen who care about others the most, and they have nothing to do with scum. I don't like what my friends hide from me, so I think hiding is the harm to me, but this is just my perspective.
What did my avoidant friend actually think? As we said just now, because he thought that his true thoughts would hurt me, so in order to protect me, I firmly said nothing, and even if the misunderstanding is deeper, it is really a headache. If there are people around me who avoid them, I will talk about how to get along with you later. I just want to tell you that because it is really difficult to empathize with different personalities, should not easily evaluate people whom you don’t actually understand so well.
Summary: avoidance is a way to deal with conflicts. It is actually the same attribute as some people who love to be acquainted with love. It is not the same as scum, inferiority, and introvert.
4 I don't want to avoid it anymore, is it possible?
What should I do if I am avoidant attachment?
1. The first thing we need to be clear is: avoidant attachment is not a problem that must be solved. Sometimes some avoidance can also protect us well, but if this kind of avoidance will cause great pain to ourselves, we need to adjust it. Be careful, it brings pain to yourself and wants to change it.
2. Then we need to understand our avoidance instead of blaming , so that we can help us see clearly what we are worried about and let ourselves get out of the moment when avoidance behavior occurs.
3. Next is the time to try. When others approach us, they often have no time to react and have no time to muster up the courage to face it. Because avoidance happens too quickly. The easier way is to actively think about the people around you when no one is approaching you. Which people make the lowest fear and the least rejection of themselves can consciously express their thoughts and feelings more when they get along with them, even a little bit. Only when we actively experience more "I can face pain" can the pain be relieved. In fact, it is also some of the rules I often said before. Don’t wait until your body has collapsed before starting to exercise. It's too late and there will be no effect.
really needs to rest because of the sensation. However, when is in better condition, you can try it according to your wishes. I have discussed this method with my avoidant friend. He will be willing to share some private things with me when I am in a very good mood, and only say a little at a time. Of course I am very happy, but I am not too excited and I am relatively calm. He even tried to give me some advice later, and I heard it very calmly and could discuss it. Gradually, the problem he avoided was actually not that serious.
However, some people's avoidance is too deep and too heavy. If you feel that it is particularly affecting your life and feel uncomfortable, and today's method cannot help you, it means you need to seek professional help in time. find a psychological counselor who is suitable for you to solve the problem in depth.
Summary
1 Avoidance is a way of dealing with it. You can not change it.
2 If you want to change, don't blame yourself. Find out what is avoiding it.
3 The practice of overcoming avoidance should be performed when you are happy and the object you are practicing is also happy. Don't try to practice when conflict occurs.
5 What should I do if I care about?
You may have noticed it. The above self-rescue method also requires the company of a trusted friend to have the best effect. Here I will give me some comfort to the vast majority of sugar pills who avoid friends or lovers around me. Thank you for your hard work.
Compared to myself, I am an avoidant person, getting along with avoidant people may be more painful . I have a deep understanding of it. I often fight with my avoidant friends for 300 rounds. After all, some avoidant people accept their avoidance, which is their mode of dealing with things, but for avoidant friends, especially those in close relationships, it will be very troubled to get along with them. Here are two suggestions:
The first is to distinguish whether the other party is an avoidant person . Avoiding a relationship does not mean not paying attention to this relationship. If we can feel the other party attaching importance to this relationship and we also want to maintain this relationship well, we must work hard for this relationship. Some relationships seem to be avoiding, but in fact they don’t care about this relationship at all. everyone just remembers that avoidant people are just simply rejecting the relationship, without any interest, and there is no so-called trick of hard-to-get.
For example, my friend and I have been working for a long time, so we can make it clear. In addition to avoiding, there are actually many people in life who care about and take care of me in their own way. Although it is not exactly the way I want in my ideal, I can at least tell that he is not doing this trick or perfunctory to me.
So an important criterion for distinguishing is whether you can feel the other person’s feelings and love for you from other aspects in his own way. If you can't feel anything, there are two possibilities. One is that your problem is also very serious. You regard your own feelings as the center of the world and cannot feel the feelings of others; the other is that you are indeed tricked. At this time, ask the attitudes of those who know you both at the same time and you will know which one it is.
The second is to try not to get along with each other with anxiety. avoidant people are most afraid of anxiety symptoms. For example, if you send a message to him for a long time, you don’t reply, so try not to ask too much questions. Maybe he is fighting in his heart at this time. If we are very anxious, it will aggravate our avoidance. At this time, he was thinking: "He is so anxious, we should not be together." The most important thing about is to keep your heart's acceptance of your avoidance and let him stay in his comfort zone for a while, rather than change him.
In general, it is not easy to discover the other party's avoidance and accept it. Because this will ignore our own inner needs, , you must do what you can if you want to interact with avoidant people in depth and do not force yourself too much. It was also after a long period of ideological struggle that I decided to try to understand my type of friend, and I suddenly found that there was more than one by myself. Although avoidance often drives me crazy, when I really need help, they can provide me with support and help as soon as possible, so I will practice with them.
Summary of the practice method
1 Learn to distinguish whether it is true avoidance or true routine
The standard is whether you can feel the other person's love. If you can't feel it, it depends on whether you are also an insecure person.
2 When the other party avoids it, don’t worry
What you should do, and the other party feels that the air has cooled down and you will come to play with it.
3 Just like avoidant people can not change it, You can also not accept it, you have to make a decision yourself.
I believe that no matter whether you avoid it or not, you can find a language for communication. Because I have experienced many such friends myself, I can confidently tell you that it is OK.
Finally, I said something fun. I also have a friend who avoids me. He is my high school deskmate and I especially like to do scientific research. Now I am studying for a doctorate in the United States. I always take the initiative to contact him, and his mobile phone seems to not exist. Before he went to the United States a few years ago, I went to the airport with his mother to send him off and his mother complained to me that he couldn't contact him all the way. I told his mother, just send a message if you want him, don't expect his reply, because he must have received it, and you will definitely feel your love when you receive it. just frequently reply to such love, which is not the way he is used to.
Because I don’t contact you frequently, sometimes I really forget that I have such a friend. But the magical thing is that every time we talk to the phone, it seems that we still had a feeling when we were a deskmate in high school.
Finally, I would like to send you my feelings: We are so different, but we can still love each other.
